Porn...has it ruined your relationship or helped it?

[candiel]

Porn has been an ongoing problem with DH and I thought that he was done with it (his words not mine) before we got married.

We've been married two years now and today, I discovered that he is still looking at it all the time. I am really upset and I'm tired of dealing with it. I know that some women are okay with it but, I find it very disrespectful. It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him and he has to find other alternatives. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm overreacting or somethingerplexed.

Have any of you ladies had to deal with this? Have you ever had to end a relationship over it? Or, are you okay with it?

 

[mrsjohnson75]

No, I have not had to deal with this. However, I do want you to know that you are not overreacting. If YOU feel disrespected and upset that's understandable. I hope you continue to let your husband know this. Just keep telling him how it makes you feel then hopefully he will see how it hurts you and thus change his ways.

 

[Cichelle]

Porn is a non-issue in my marriage. I couldn't care less if my husband looks at it, unless it were an addiction interfering with our family life or responsibilities. However, I do NOT think you are overreacting. To me, the issue is really about trust and respect. I'm assuming he knows how you feel about the issue. If that is the case, he is disregarding those feelings and doing something you find disrespectful behind your back.

Do you think you could calmly talk to him (maybe again) about how it makes you feel and maybe discuss why he feels the need/desire to watch it? Do you think he is addicted?...because that is a-whole-nother issue which most likely requires counseling or outside help from what I've heard and seen.

You might feel better if the two of you can talk openly and honestly about it. I hope you do.

 

[candiel]

Porn is a non-issue in my marriage. I couldn't care less if my husband looks at it, unless it were an addiction interfering with our family life or responsibilities. However, I do NOT think you are overreacting. To me, the issue is really about trust and respect. I'm assuming he knows how you feel about the issue. If that is the case, he is disregarding those feelings and doing something you find disrespectful behind your back.

Do you think you could calmly talk to him (maybe again) about how it makes you feel and maybe discuss why he feels the need/desire to watch it? Do you think he is addicted?...because that is a-whole-nother issue which most likely requires counseling or outside help from what I've heard and seen.

You might feel better if the two of you can talk openly and honestly about it. I hope you do.

I do feel that I could talk to him about it but, it would be one of hundreds of times that we have had to discuss this same issue.

I really think he is addicted to it. When he's not looking at it on the computer, he's looking at the magazines (I've found them in his bag that he takes to work) and ordering the movies on Pay-per-viewerplexed. I guess I could suggest counseling.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

My college ex boyfriend was addicted to porn.... I found out that issue was deeper than just the pictures. He went to boarding school and he stated himself it was his ONLY form of female companionship at the time. He felt like the fantansy was great because the women could be and do ANYTHING he wanted.... Eventually, he had to go to counseling because this issue, things got so bad he carried pics in his wallet to get him through the day...After almost a year of counseling he found out the porn wasnt just the addiction he was addicted to sexual acts! Now he has settled down and got his life together...it was tough for him but he and his wife are making it.

 

[Country gal]

Do you like watching Porn? Can you watch it together? Why is he so stimulated by Porn? Have you ever ask him?

 

[vikkisecret]

I do feel that I could talk to him about it but, it would be one of hundreds of times that we have had to discuss this same issue.

I really think he is addicted to it. When he's not looking at it on the computer, he's looking at the magazines (I've found them in his bag that he takes to work) and ordering the movies on Pay-per-viewerplexed. I guess I could suggest counseling.

Hmm that's alot to take in. You really think he is addicted to it? I guess from what you are saying from the magazines to movies on paperview to computer sites ...i wouldn't say your not overreacting either. That is definantly a problem. My man watches porn but in moderation. Usually only if it's leading to the mood or during the mood and most of the time all of his focus is on me. That is the healthy way to do it that gives the other person respect but with pleasure. I hope that he listens to you and how it makes you feel. At first I wasn't comfortable either but I realized he loves me for me and whats on tv is never going to be me.

 

[candiel]

Do you like watching Porn? Can you watch it together? Why is he so stimulated by Porn? Have you ever ask him?

No, I don't watch it all. After I first noticed how much of a problem it was becoming, I agreed to watch one with him and it did nothing for me at all. It felt awkward really.

I have asked him why he feels the need to watch it and he told me that it's just entertainment for him. Whatever.....

 

[reallynow]

If DH watches porn, we watch it together as a part of our sexual relationship and it's not often but sometimes. It's not a big deal to me, but he doesn't disrespect the way I feel about it. If he was reading magazines, on the net, etc. all of the time then yeah that would be a problem.

I don't think you are overreacting at all-it's about the way you feel. If you have had this conversation more than one time with DH and stated your feelings then to me it is disrespect. I suggest counseling because for me the heart of the matter is the lack of regard for your feelings on this subject that may carry over into other aspects of the marriage-IMHO.

Talk to him again and suggest maybe he do some solo sessions, you two if you feel they would be beneficial and then some together in some sessions.

I hope it all works out.

 

[eyunka]

I can't say if you are overreacting or it's according to how you feel. Why do you feel disrepected? Is it because he is keeping it a secret? or because he is watching it period? Do you feel as tho if he watching it there is something you aren't doing for him to go there? Do you dislike porn?

my SO will watch it every nowand again when i'm not putting out. He needs something to help him....big deal. NOW me i love to watch it. I have actually learned new tricks from watching it. I will watch it during our time to together it heightens things

But i guess if you don't like it from jump I can see how it bothers you but just think about this it could be worse what if he chose to go outside of the marriage to get what ever it is he getting from the porn. just my

 

[Ms Red]

Since you are his wife I have a hard time believing it is only 'entertainment for him.' He sees that you feel it's disrespectful, even to the point of frustration in your marriage but still continues. I agree with you, it sounds like it is beyond entertainment- more like addiction. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you but can't stop watching-- it's out of his control.

I would suggest counseling or therapy.

No, I don't watch it all. After I first noticed how much of a problem it was becoming, I agreed to watch one with him and it did nothing for me at all. It felt awkward really.

I have asked him why he feels the need to watch it and he told me that it's just entertainment for him. Whatever.....

 

[MissScarlett]

Porn has been an ongoing problem with DH and I thought that he was done with it (his words not mine) before we got married.

We've been married two years now and today, I discovered that he is still looking at it all the time. I am really upset and I'm tired of dealing with it. I know that some women are okay with it but, I find it very disrespectful. It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him and he has to find other alternatives. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm overreacting or somethingerplexed.

Have any of you ladies had to deal with this? Have you ever had to end a relationship over it? Or, are you okay with it?

Porn is not a problem for me, I don't care if dh watches it. If he was spending alot of money, hiding it or it was affecting our intimacy, then yes it would become an issue. And yes I admittedly will/have watched it with him.

But a person's comfort level or respect leve is completely individual. If it bothers you and it does, then out of respect for YOU and your marriage, then he should stop doing it. You're not overreacting if its bothering you.

I can't say I'd end a relationship over it. IDK. Perhaps counseling??? Have you tried that? I know you've expressed some strain in your marriageI'm sorry because I know you are really trying to make it work. ((HUGS)))

 

[candiel]

I can't say if you are overreacting or it's according to how you feel. Why do you feel disrepected? Is it because he is keeping it a secret? or because he is watching it period? Do you feel as tho if he watching it there is something you aren't doing for him to go there? Do you dislike porn?

my SO will watch it every nowand again when i'm not putting out. He needs something to help him....big deal. NOW me i love to watch it. I have actually learned new tricks from watching it. I will watch it during our time to together it heightens things

But i guess if you don't like it from jump I can see how it bothers you but just think about this it could be worse what if he chose to go outside of the marriage to get what ever it is he getting from the porn. just my

Yes to all of the bolded questions!

It makes me feel inadequate that he feels the need to look at it, he has to sneak and watch it and I just don't like porn in general. I thought that maybe I would feel differently if we looked at it together and I didn't.

 

[Southernbella.]

I ended a relationship over it. It can be a serious issue. For some men, watching every now and then is no big deal, but it sounds like your dh is addicted.

He needs to go to counseling. Porn addiction is not about the porn or the sex, it's about intimacy. Do you often feel like he is not connecting with you? Do you feel like he has trouble opening up to you? Addicts use their vices to cope with life. It could be alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever. The nature of addiction is the same.

He won't stop on his own because he can't. This has most likely been a problem for him since before he even knew you. He's probably terrified of facing life without it, and he probably resents you for even asking.

It is very hurtful, but you have to realize that it has nothing to do with you. You could make love to him 3 times a day and it wouldn't matter one bit because it's not about sex and it's not about you.

(((HUGS)))

 

[JFemme]

I ended a relationship over it. It can be a serious issue. For some men, watching every now and then is no big deal, but it sounds like your dh is addicted.

He needs to go to counseling. Porn addiction is not about the porn or the sex, it's about intimacy. Do you often feel like he is not connecting with you? Do you feel like he has trouble opening up to you? Addicts use their vices to cope with life. It could be alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever. The nature of addiction is the same.

He won't stop on his own because he can't. This has most likely been a problem for him since before he even knew you. He's probably terrified of facing life without it, and he probably resents you for even asking.

It is very hurtful, but you have to realize that it has nothing to do with you. You could make love to him 3 times a day and it wouldn't matter one bit because it's not about sex and it's not about you.

(((HUGS)))

Excellently Stated...

{{HUGS}} Candiel....

 

[JamericanGurl]

Here's my fif-tee cents.........

I don't care for porn....Nor does my SO. If I don't like something...Call me selfish... I'd prefer you stop...but don't bring that ish around me. Does that mean you have to give it up...Nope! Just don't bring it around me. Am I stifling your expression...Errah maybe? But you may be crossing the line with me if you do something you know I don't likeerplexed

So? Do I think you're overreacting...No!

Is there something wrong with porn...No! I don't like it, because most porn objectifies women. It's not a stimulant for me I said for me! It's hard for me to reap the benefits of something that makes me illerplexed

As others have expressed you need to have a dialect with your husband and express your concerns as to how it may or may not affect your relationship be it positive or negative.

Like I've expressed in similar threads....Honey you don't have to indulge or entertain nothing you're not comfortable with.

JMO

 

[MissScarlett]

I can't say if you are overreacting or it's according to how you feel. Why do you feel disrepected? Is it because he is keeping it a secret? or because he is watching it period? Do you feel as tho if he watching it there is something you aren't doing for him to go there? Do you dislike porn?

my SO will watch it every nowand again when i'm not putting out. He needs something to help him....big deal. NOW me i love to watch it. I have actually learned new tricks from watching it. I will watch it during our time to together it heightens things

But i guess if you don't like it from jump I can see how it bothers you but just think about this it could be worse what if he chose to go outside of the marriage to get what ever it is he getting from the porn. just my

To the bolded, sorry I guess I just didn't like that

So she should just let him watch porn because "oh well at least he isn't cheating on you" I'm sorry I don't like that whole "take the crumbs b/c you can't get the whole piece of bread" attitude.

And this is coming from someone who will watch porn and doesn't care if dh watches it.

PORN or anything, if I asked DH NOT to do it, it would then become a respect issue because in a marriage your spouse should not do anything you are not comfortable with and vice versa.

 

[Southernbella.]

To the bolded, sorry I guess I just didn't like that

So she should just let him watch porn because "oh well at least he isn't cheating on you" I'm sorry I don't like that whole "take the crumbs b/c you can't get the whole piece of bread" attitude. .

And this is coming from someone who will watch porn and doesn't care if dh watches it.

PORN or anything, if I asked DH NOT to do it, it would then become a respect issue because in a marriage your spouse should not do anything you are not comfortable with and vice versa.

I agree. I also think it's an issue of something you HAVE to do, vs. something you enjoy doing. Some people just enjoy it as an addition to their sex lives, I guess.

But if a man absolutely HAS to look at porn, then there is a problem. If he runs to porn every time you aren't in the mood, I don't know...that doesn't sit well with me. It's like...he needs a fix, and if he can't get it from you, then he's going to get it from somewhere, and it might as well be porn. At least he's not cheating!

 

[Katt73]

He won't stop on his own because he can't. This has most likely been a problem for him since before he even knew you. He's probably terrified of facing life without it, and he probably resents you for even asking.

It is very hurtful, but you have to realize that it has nothing to do with you. You could make love to him 3 times a day and it wouldn't matter one bit because it's not about sex and it's not about you.

(((HUGS)))

ITA. Lauren hit the nail on the head:
1. He has an addiction that needs the attention of a therapist (especially if he's toting magazines to work...); and
2. It is so not about you! We all know that many men can have the most beautiful, loving, caring, willing partner at home and they'll still seek gratification outside of the relationship (think Halle Berry/Eric Benet).

I actually enjoy watching it w/ SO but it's certainly not because he's not "enough"... He is the sexiest thing on this earth to me (paunchy belly, flat booty and all), the porn is just a little icing on the cake. The key is that we enjoy it together. I would have a serious problem if he was watching it without me, but that's more because I'd be like, "Durn, you couldn't wait for me to get home?", not because I'd feel like I wasn't enough for him.

The bottom line is that you've told him you feel disrespected by it...that should be motivation enough for him to stop. He just needs some outside support to turn his motivation into commitment. I don't want to write him a pass, but asking him to give up the porn is like asking a coffee/crack/cigarette/LHCF addict to give up their habit. It's going to take some time and intervention.

 

[MissScarlett]

ITA. Lauren hit the nail on the head:
1. He has an addiction that needs the attention of a therapist (especially if he's toting magazines to work...); and
2. It is so not about you! We all know that many men can have the most beautiful, loving, caring, willing partner at home and they'll still seek gratification outside of the relationship (think Halle Berry/Eric Benet).

I actually enjoy watching it w/ SO but it's certainly not because he's not "enough"... He is the sexiest thing on this earth to me (paunchy belly, flat booty and all), the porn is just a little icing on the cake. The key is that we enjoy it together. I would have a serious problem if he was watching it without me, but that's more because I'd be like, "Durn, you couldn't wait for me to get home?", not because I'd feel like I wasn't enough for him.

The bottom line is that you've told him you feel disrespected by it...that should be motivation enough for him to stop. He just needs some outside support to turn his motivation into commitment. I don't want to write him a pass, but asking him to give up the porn is like asking a coffee/crack/cigarette/LHCF addict to give up their habit. It's going to take some time and intervention.

 

[eyunka]

I expected someone if not all to disagree with me.

and that is kewl you don't like it..no harm in that[/B]

So she should just let him watch porn because "oh well at least he isn't cheating on you" I'm sorry I don't like that whole "take the crumbs b/c you can't get the whole piece of bread" attitude. All i did was state that this is a possibilty if life. again this is my opinion and she ask if anyone had negative or positive experience with porn and it's obvious i have experience positive.

And this is coming from someone who will watch porn and doesn't care if dh watches it. why should i care if my husbands watches it with me or not what do you mean "coming from someone who watches porn" what exactly are you trying to say a women is not suppose to like watching it?

PORN or anything, if I asked DH NOT to do it, it would then become a respect issue because in a marriage your spouse should not do anything you are not comfortable with and vice versa.i agree with you here and i also know in a marriage there is compromise there is always going to be things we don't like doing but sometimes we have to and it's that individual who decides what they compromise about it's obvious this is not something you will compromise on...for me it's no bit deal. Something that is not a compromise is having a gun in the house with kids (which is off the subject) but others may say ok.[/quote]

 

[candiel]

To the bolded, sorry I guess I just didn't like that

So she should just let him watch porn because "oh well at least he isn't cheating on you" I'm sorry I don't like that whole "take the crumbs b/c you can't get the whole piece of bread" attitude.

And this is coming from someone who will watch porn and doesn't care if dh watches it.

PORN or anything, if I asked DH NOT to do it, it would then become a respect issue because in a marriage your spouse should not do anything you are not comfortable with and vice versa.

Yeah, I have to agree. I'm not surprised by the comment though because I've heard some of my friends say, " Well, if it is going to keep him from going out there and cheating then, let him do it." And for a while I tried to make myself believe this.

I feel like I'd be forcing myself to be okay with it and I'm not.

 

[envybeauty]

Bottom line is that YOU have to decide what YOU are going to do about it. You have expressed your concerns, he knows you are concerned, his actions have not changed. What are YOU going to do about it?

I was once confronted with a similar ultimatum by a guy at one point. He did something I didn't like. I confronted. He said, what are you going to do about it? I was like, excuse me?!?!?! He said that now that you know FOR SURE, either you will accept it (and act out in some way) or you will leave. I left.

The point being you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere...otherwise, after a while, you might as well stick your head in it.

 

[Katt73]

The point being you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere...otherwise, after a while, you might as well stick your head in it.

Excellent! Gotta make that my email signature...

 

[MissYocairis]

I agree. I also think it's an issue of something you HAVE to do, vs. something you enjoy doing. Some people just enjoy it as an addition to their sex lives, I guess.

But if a man absolutely HAS to look at porn, then there is a problem. If he runs to porn every time you aren't in the mood, I don't know...that doesn't sit well with me. It's like...he needs a fix, and if he can't get it from you, then he's going to get it from somewhere, and it might as well be porn. At least he's not cheating!

ITA...it sounds like he HAS to Candiel....that's something to be concerned about.

 

[meaganita]

I ended a relationship over it. It can be a serious issue. For some men, watching every now and then is no big deal, but it sounds like your dh is addicted.

He needs to go to counseling. Porn addiction is not about the porn or the sex, it's about intimacy. Do you often feel like he is not connecting with you? Do you feel like he has trouble opening up to you? Addicts use their vices to cope with life. It could be alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever. The nature of addiction is the same.

He won't stop on his own because he can't. This has most likely been a problem for him since before he even knew you. He's probably terrified of facing life without it, and he probably resents you for even asking.

It is very hurtful, but you have to realize that it has nothing to do with you. You could make love to him 3 times a day and it wouldn't matter one bit because it's not about sex and it's not about you.

(((HUGS)))

Everything Lauren said is 100% on point. I too was in a relationship with a man who had a porn addiction and there is a huge difference between porn being optional and necessary. Sounds like your husband is swinging on the end of necessary. If this was truly just a form of entertainment for him, it wouldn't be nothin' but a thang for him to leave porn alone since it bothers you. Clearly the issue is much deeper, and as Lauren450 stated, the problem likely developed before you were even in the picture.

Is this a problem he acknowlegdes? Or is he still in denial or minimizing it? Do you know what it would take for him to be motivated to seek help? If you tell him how this is affecting your marriage and your self-esteem would he be willing to seek counseling? Would you be willing to go through all the ups and downs of therapy with him until the core issue is resolved? Because usually, underneath any type of addiction lies a much deeper, more profound issue. This could be something that reaches way back into his childhood. So if he does seek counseling, and he really works it, you'll need to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for whatever real issues come to the surface as a result. More than likely they will have nothing to do with you, but he will still need your understanding, compassion, and support.

One of the issues my ex (with the porn addiction) had was that as a little boy, he had to watch from the backseat as his mother was raped by a stranger in her car. Believe me when I say that was only the tip of the iceberg. But from the outside looking in, he was perfectly normal, scholarly, successful, ambitious, and many other things. No one knew just how tortured he was on the inside and how deep his obsession with porn was. Our relationship ended because of other issues. But I would have been willing to stand by him through therapy otherwise.

 

[eyunka]

Well if that is the way you feel do what the others have suggested i am only one opinion and its not one that is agreed upon and i accepted that.

Yeah, I have to agree. I'm not surprised by the comment though because I've heard some of my friends say, " Well, if it is going to keep him from going out there and cheating then, let him do it." And for a while I tried to make myself believe this.

I feel like I'd be forcing myself to be okay with it and I'm not.

 

[candiel]

I ended a relationship over it. It can be a serious issue. For some men, watching every now and then is no big deal, but it sounds like your dh is addicted.

He needs to go to counseling. Porn addiction is not about the porn or the sex, it's about intimacy. Do you often feel like he is not connecting with you? Do you feel like he has trouble opening up to you? Addicts use their vices to cope with life. It could be alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever. The nature of addiction is the same.

He won't stop on his own because he can't. This has most likely been a problem for him since before he even knew you. He's probably terrified of facing life without it, and he probably resents you for even asking.

It is very hurtful, but you have to realize that it has nothing to do with you. You could make love to him 3 times a day and it wouldn't matter one bit because it's not about sex and it's not about you.

(((HUGS)))

It's funny you should mention this because we've really been disconnected for the past few months due to other marital issues and the intimacy level has gone done to almost zero.

 

[MissScarlett]

I expected someone if not all to disagree with me.

To the bolded, sorry I guess I just didn't like that and that is kewl you don't like it..no harm in that. It wasn't a personal attack against you, I just didn't like the way it was stated, I try to back things up with smilies


And this is coming from someone who will watch porn and doesn't care if dh watches it. why should i care if my husbands watches it with me or not what do you mean "coming from someone who watches porn" what exactly are you trying to say a women is not suppose to like watching it?

Coming from someone as in ME, I watch porn. Sorry that wasn't clear.... I was saying although I LIKE porn, if someone doesn't, its their choice not to accept it. If she doesn't LIKE IT she doesn't have to adopt this "oh well, at least he's not cheating attitude" and accept it.

PORN or anything, if I asked DH NOT to do it, it would then become a respect issue because in a marriage your spouse should not do anything you are not comfortable with and vice versa.i agree with you here and i also know in a marriage there is compromise there is always going to be things we don't like doing but sometimes we have to and it's that individual who decides what they compromise about it's obvious this is not something you will compromise on...for me it's no bit deal. Something that is not a compromise is having a gun in the house with kids (which is off the subject) but others may say ok

Yes, I agree with this. There's going to have to be a compromise on someone's part, obviously she did for awhile, now its his turn.

 

[gone_fishing]

Porn has been an ongoing problem with DH and I thought that he was done with it (his words not mine) before we got married.

We've been married two years now and today, I discovered that he is still looking at it all the time. I am really upset and I'm tired of dealing with it. I know that some women are okay with it but, I find it very disrespectful. It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him and he has to find other alternatives. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm overreacting or somethingerplexed.

Have any of you ladies had to deal with this? Have you ever had to end a relationship over it? Or, are you okay with it?

My ex husband had a porn problem. I think it's an addiction. He calls it a hobby. He never thought it was a problem. He had upwards of 100 movies and he'd buy all the naughty magazines and have them strewn everywhere.

He apparently had this problem before we got married but hid it from me until -...you know...you get comfortable enough to reveal those demons.

Well, it manifested itself in our relationship that he wanted to do things sexually which I didn't want to do.

Sorry but I've never been into sticking parts into places where stuff is supposed to come out. I know some people like it but I don't. I also would never consider group sexual activities and these were things he wanted to "try".

I personally feel like porn can have an psychological affect on men and women. Many men who have a porn addiction also have sexual dysfunction. They may be desensitized so that only more increasingly taboo activities such as "golden showers" etc. and BDSM are exciting OR they may not even be able to come because they are not stimulated enough because of all the porn they've viewed.

Also, I think women become much like objects in their minds and they MAY start to view women as sexual objects rather than human beings.

These are just some of the things I've witnessed amongst friends who have experienced something similar.

They aren't fact though because I'm not a sex therapist but I'd say you have a genuine reason to be concerned.

I never liked him watching porn either...I think sex is healthy but the type of porn he was watching was a little fetishy...two men on a girl and what not...to me that's just not right...

My current SO doesn't watch porn. He does get the Maxim magazines but only if someone gives it to him. The only thing he has dozens of magazines for is sports - all sports all the time. He's a man though so of course he likes a nice set of t & a and you can't fault him for that BUT it's not an addiction.

Anything that causes you to lie to your spouse and hide things from your spouse even after a reasonable request not to do so is a problem to me.

OP is not being unreasonable. If he CANNOT stop that's an addiction. If he WILL NOT stop given her feelings and the fact that he already said he would...that's just disrespectful.