Porn...has it ruined your relationship or helped it?

[gone_fishing]

Porn makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like "What does that do for you that you cant get from me?" and I get all self concious of my body and my sexual appeal. Its like "What am i not sexy enough for you? And if I am, why do you need to look at that other person for gratification? And are you looking at the girl or the guy? And why are they white or asain or hispanic and i'm black? Is that what you really wish you could be with?" Thats just too much for me, and I'm already not the most self confident person. I can't see myself getting over it and just being like "Well hey, at least he's not cheating..." I can do way more for him than any porn could, and that's the bottom line. Me or the porn? My BF had a collection when we met, we had a talk and he threw it out. And If it comes back I'm gonna be like "Get some therapy or here's the ultimatum because I can't handle that."

Relationships are about compromise, and we both need to be willing to sacrafice for the other person. Since porn is non-bebeficial often destructive bahaivior anyway, I think he should be the one to make the sacrafice. It's like, If I have an alchohol problem and it makes him uncomfortable, I need to get help. I can't just be like "This is what I like so deal with it." But if we both drink together that's different... If the man has any sense at all, he'll get over it, or atleast make an effort. If not, he wasnt right anyway. Me, I'd rather be on my own than in a miserable relationsip.

Hope I didn't offend anyone but having been through this before, this is how I feel, and these are my personal standards.

I agree 100%.

And I'm mad at you. Your fotki was empty and I was being nosey.

 

[candiel]

And if I am, why do you need to look at that other person for gratification? And are you looking at the girl or the guy? And why are they white or asain or hispanic and i'm black? Is that what you really wish you could be with?" Thats just too much for me, and I'm already not the most self confident person. I can't see myself getting over it and just being like "Well hey, at least he's not cheating..."

I know that I shouldn't be thinking about it like that but,this is exactly what I thought when I saw all of the women he's been viewing. Since, porn seems to be fulfilling some sort of fantasy for him I couldn't help but think, "Is that who he really wishes he could be with?" erplexed

(Of course these were thoughts that were going through my head prior to starting this thread.)

 

[gone_fishing]

I know that I shouldn't be thinking about it like that but,this is exactly what I thought when I saw all of the women he's been viewing. Since, porn seems to be fulfilling some sort of fantasy for him I couldn't help but think, "Is that who he really wishes he could be with?" erplexed

(Of course these were thoughts that were going through my head prior to starting this thread.)

The short answer is no these are not the women he wishes he could be with. Trust that he would not trade in his wife for a whore who likes to get screwed by various men on video tape for money. They are not someone he would really ever want to bring home or have children with our bring around children that already exist. They are not someone he'd go out of his way to buy flowers for or try to get to know them as a person. I'm betting he views them a lot like attractive cattle.

And frankly MAYBE not even that attractive.

Some women in those porn movies are down right ugly and men still watch them.

I once had a man tell me pu$$y has no face.

That's why to him he doesn't see the harm because he probably feels like you should know that he's not really into these women in a romatic way. He probably really does just see it as entertainment.

*SMH*

BUT - that doesn't take away from the sting for you and the betrayal you feel and it doesn't make his actions okay.

Since women often connect sex with love - we have a hard time separating one from the other and we begin to wonder how does this impact our "emotional" relationship - does he wish he had a woman like this instead of me...He needs to know this is hurting you.

 

[MissScarlett]

So true!

Thanks ladies for all of your responses! It's really helping me to sort through my thoughts. I was about to call DH and go crazy on him this morning when I discovered he was looking at that stuff just last night.

Now, I'm getting a chance to think rationally and look at things from different angles.

I just know that I'm not going to be dealing with this for another 6 years. It's very draining for me.

It's great you've had a moment to calm down and think, get some opinions. Obviously you want to be as calm as possible when talking with dh and not confrontational. Although your stance is justified, it will be completely without merit in his eyes if it comes off judgemental and confrontational. sometimes that's an automatic for a communication shutdown, for my dh is anyway. Good luck.

 

[syze6]

I think Porn takes away from the relationship when addiction is involved. It is no longer about pleasing your partner, but imulating the images you see. Porn makes a man view women in an unhealthy way. They are purely sex objects and it is all about the sex. When you get to the point where you want to start peeing and being peed on, you have to me, left the healthy sex life.

Men addicted to porn DO seek to act on what they see. Their minds are consumed with the possibility of the act and being involved in the act they are viewing. It makes it hard to deny women, who remind them of those images.

It is unhealthy to any marriage . As a wife, I don't want my husband pleasing himself to naked images of women or watching couples have sex. That's what is happening and any man that says not; is a LIAR!!! I still feel it is a perverseness and sickness that has many layers!

 

[poetist]

My opinion is that porn does not and cannot benefit a committed relationship. If sex and intimacy is supposed to be considered sacred, then why bring the fantasy of someone else into you bedroom?

I think people can say that they watch porn for a number of reasons, but it all boils down to the fantasy. It is not entertainment. Entertainment is sports, drama, comedy, music, etc. Porn is straight up sex. If there is no fantasy involved and its not about the appeal of the women (for men) and men (for women) then why not watch gay porn or beastiality? Well, because, people only watch what appeals to them.

I think we underestimate the impact of what we see on tv and how it effects our subconsious mind. No matter how much we try to detach ourselves from what we watch, read, listen to, it does have an effect on us.

Candiel, I would talk to you husband and let him know that you feel betrayed by his dependancy on porn but that you are willing to help him work through it with outside help. Maybe you guys can talk to a pastor.

 

[bluefolli]

Porn has been an ongoing problem with DH and I thought that he was done with it (his words not mine) before we got married.

We've been married two years now and today, I discovered that he is still looking at it all the time. I am really upset and I'm tired of dealing with it. I know that some women are okay with it but, I find it very disrespectful. It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him and he has to find other alternatives. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm overreacting or somethingerplexed.

Have any of you ladies had to deal with this? Have you ever had to end a relationship over it? Or, are you okay with it?

Candie, I've met you before and you are so sweet. You sound sad...You have your standards and marriage is a committment, so no, you are not overreacting. I really hope you aren't debating divorce over this, as it is an addiction that can be removed...to a certain level with some spiritual and professional help. I deal with porn in my house, too, but I like to watch every once in a while myself. However, DH takes it to another level...but I knew he was like that when I married him. He doesn't hide it and I don't make him feel as though he has to. Girl, mags with Tocorra just lying around in his office. He's just into sex and views porn as an enhancement to our sex life. I guess for me, I don't have a problem with it. I don't get offended or mad because in my mind, those skanks ain't real...just a fantasy. 99% of the time, that stuff is just theatrics...I wish you peace in this situation, but try to have a heart to heart with DH. Watch it with him without puffing up and being defensive(not saying you are doing that now) and ask him what is it about this scene or xyz that makes you obsessed. He will give you answer. It may shock him that you are doing it this way, but you got to keep the communication rolling. I hope you two can get pass this...

 

[candiel]

I think we underestimate the impact of what we see on tv and how it effects our subconsious mind. No matter how much we try to detach ourselves from what we watch, read, listen to, it does have an effect on us.

Candiel, I would talk to you husband and let him know that you feel betrayed by his dependancy on porn but that you are willing to help him work through it with outside help. Maybe you guys can talk to a pastor.

this is how i feel.

He feels like it's no big deal but, I think it is indicative of some other issues/problems. I'm going to see if we can get counseling for this even though we've already gone for this same thing.

 

[Colliecole]

I agree 100%.

And I'm mad at you. Your fotki was empty and I was being nosey.

Sowwy!!! I had some pics in there but I took them out because they weren't recent. I need to do a hair journal and a weight loss journal but I HATE MY HAIR right now- Transitioning from a "relaxed mess" to "natural" and I'm waiting for my Silicon Mix to come in...Im on a diet took before pics and I'm down like 26 lbs, but still too fat to be posting progress pics. Keep a look out though I'll have something in there in a few weeks. (sorry that was really off topic for this thread LOL...back to the porn stuff)

 

[candiel]

I really hope you aren't debating divorce over this, as it is an addiction that can be removed...to a certain level with some spiritual and professional help. Watch it with him without puffing up and being defensive(not saying you are doing that now) and ask him what is it about this scene or xyz that makes you obsessed. He will give you answer. It may shock him that you are doing it this way, but you got to keep the communication rolling. I hope you two can get pass this...

Actually I am debating it but, only because of other issues on top of this recurring one.erplexed You are right, it can be removed but, only if he wants to remove it. I can't do it for him.

Also, I've already tried watching it with him and it's not my thing. He still can't give me a reason as to why he's obsessed with it because according to him, he's not addicted.

Thanks again ladies for sharing your stories and advice! :wink2:

 

[Farida]

When people would tell me to be careful about what I watch, I scoffed at them and figured, I'm an adult. I know right from wrong. Watching TV won't change anything. WRONG.

I now believe we get subtle ideas/notions/opinions/habits from what we watch. I won't lie and say the idea of watching porn doesn't turn me on, but I choose not to.

Those women are not fantasy. They are real and I refuse to support the industry, or even worse, have their dignity degraded for free by doing the download thing. I remember doing a lot of research and a lot of these porn stars had issues with molestation, rape, drugs, alcohol, self-esteem.

I'd say go to counseling. If you have discussed this 100 times, obviously it isn't working. But what I don't like, is I'm pretty sure many counselors will tell you it's normal and you just need to get over yourself

 

[reallynow]

I spoke with DH about this last night, because as many of the ladies expressed for me the core of the matter is his disregard and disrespect for your feelings. We agreed that it is probably and addiction for him and that you both should seek counseling. But he co-signed with the other posters (i just re-read the entire thread) and said that for some men-not all-the women in these movies/mags/etc. become a fantasy for them an unattainable fantasy that can put a serious strain on a relationship and gives the man false ideas of what intamacy is and what sex is and we all know there is a difference. He of course went on to call men who couldn't respect their wives wishes weak and uncompromising (not specific to Candiel's dh) but he was adamant about the fact that this situation is not about you but about him and if you have had this discussion before it is now time to move to the next level and let him know that it's time for professional help.

(((hugs))) DH and I went through a rough patch too and counseling helped-I can't imagine how this is adding to the strain already in your marriage. I will keep you in my thoughts. One of the many things I got out of counseling was no matter how much I love my DH and will fight like a shecat to make our relationship work I WILL NOT compromise myself and I will always take care of me.

 

[candiel]

When people would tell me to be careful about what I watch, I scoffed at them and figured, I'm an adult. I know right from wrong. Watching TV won't change anything. WRONG.

I now believe we get subtle ideas/notions/opinions/habits from what we watch. I won't lie and say the idea of watching porn doesn't turn me on, but I choose not to.

Those women are not fantasy. They are real and I refuse to support the industry, or even worse, have their dignity degraded for free by doing the download thing. I remember doing a lot of research and a lot of these porn stars had issues with molestation, rape, drugs, alcohol, self-esteem.

I'd say go to counseling. If you have discussed this 100 times, obviously it isn't working. But what I don't like, is I'm pretty sure many counselors will tell you it's normal and you just need to get over yourself

That's why we are in the process of finding a new therapist because the one we were going to was telling me, I should embrace my husband more instead of pushing him away when I get mad at him for looking at porn.erplexed

 

[Farida]

I'll pray for your efforts Candiel. Just because something is "normal" doesn't make it right. Especially if it hurts you.

 

[Lady Esquire]

Candiel,
I do not think you are overreacting. If you feel disrespected, then that is a genuine feeling. Many years ago, when DH and I first got married, I found some porn on my PC. Then after numerous times, I confronted him. A few months later I found it on my history and I was so livid. Finally I told him that I was hurt that he sneaks around. It felt like he was cheating. When I said that, he never thought about it like that. I remember that was when I had just delivered my first baby and the sex was much slower. Porn, now is a nonissue. In fact sometimes I watch it on my own, for a few minutes just to well...ya know. Porn is like alcohol. When alcohol is used the way it should be, in moderation, well...all is good. But when you sneak and use it alone – often – it becomes this nasty little secret. And when you get caught, all hell breaks loose. That is how we now look at it. So now its something that is used recreationally but not a crutch or used as a frequent fix.


Many of the women here have made some excellent points. I hope when you confront him, you two will be able to communicate and get down to the core of this issue. Or at least touch upon some issues that will shed some light to this attachment he to it. It definitely sounds like he has an addiction. With that, will come denial, guilt, anger, powerlessness, resentment, and a host of other feelings. You seem to be an extremely reasonable woman, and I trust that you will approach this in the most healthy way possible.

 

[erokawa]

I was about to make a topic about this actually, I'm struggling with this issue with my boyfriend. I feel really hopeless that he'll ever stop and I'm considering just moving on. He's a good guy aside from that though, but... it's just ruined things. I feel uncomfortable, and he's so desensitized and lacks passion because of it. And it's so hard for him to realize that it's a problem.

It's pathetic really. Of all things to be addicted to... porn? Come ON now. It just angers me so much.

 

[tarheelgurl]

You should get a camera, close the curtains and make your own porn then show it to him........believe me he will never want to look at another naked woman again!

 

[JamericanGurl]

You should get a camera, close the curtains and make your own porn then show it to him........believe me he will never want to look at another naked woman again!

Errah No! My hopes are high that this relationship can be salvaged...But, if it can't leave no evidence behind!

 

[erokawa]

You should get a camera, close the curtains and make your own porn then show it to him........believe me he will never want to look at another naked woman again!

Sadly that probably wouldn't work on my SO. erplexed And yeah, if the breakup ends badly, I wouldn't want the videos to end up online. x_x

 

[candiel]

You should get a camera, close the curtains and make your own porn then show it to him........believe me he will never want to look at another naked woman again!

I doubt that will work for him. Believe me, I've tried it thinking if I was doing more then he would stop. Guess, he's just greedy.erplexed


Thanks for all of your responses, ladies!

 

[Kawaii1]

Ok, I don't want to upset any of the ladies but I think first you should try to decide the reason why you feel disrespected. Is it a moral issue or a self confidence issue? If it's self confidence, then is it a matter of your man not making you feel like you are all he wants and you are beautiful because if that's the case there will always be problems.

If you feel porn is disrespectful to those woman and to you as a woman then that is different. I constantly harp on my hubby about respecting other woman because if he doesn't respect them I feel he won't respect me.So try to decide why you are feeling disrespected first, then figure out how to deal with the problem because for your hubby/bf it's probably just a matter of him wanting to masturbate to the act of sex not necessarily the woman in it.