Porn...has it ruined your relationship or helped it?

[Seeking8Rights]

I do feel that I could talk to him about it but, it would be one of hundreds of times that we have had to discuss this same issue.

I really think he is addicted to it. When he's not looking at it on the computer, he's looking at the magazines (I've found them in his bag that he takes to work) and ordering the movies on Pay-per-viewerplexed. I guess I could suggest counseling.

WOW, this sounds like a story coming from a friend of mine. Her husband is the same and it has really taken a toll on her because she thinks the same, that she is not good enough. Same story too, on the computer, magazines, movies (in fact their cable got shut off because he racked up $600 in pay-per-view porn movies). They are still together but for this reason alone they are hanging on a string. But in her words, counseling helps but what happens when he's claiming to be "okay" but then she still has the worry of if he is lying or not. erplexed

I think every man has once engaged in porn, but some just end up developing excessive bahaviors that they don't realize affects their spouse or girlfriend, or realizing that they are addicted. I just thank God that this isn't an issue in our house, but I do understand your feelings.

I would just say that try to hang in there, stay prayerful (I will add your situation to my prayer list) and see if the counseling will help. (((HUGS)))

 

[MissScarlett]

Bottom line is that YOU have to decide what YOU are going to do about it. You have expressed your concerns, he knows you are concerned, his actions have not changed. What are YOU going to do about it?

I was once confronted with a similar ultimatum by a guy at one point. He did something I didn't like. I confronted. He said, what are you going to do about it? I was like, excuse me?!?!?! He said that now that you know FOR SURE, either you will accept it (and act out in some way) or you will leave. I left.

The point being you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere...otherwise, after a while, you might as well stick your head in it.

I have to agree with this.

 

[MissScarlett]

It's funny you should mention this because we've really been disconnected for the past few months due to other marital issues and the intimacy level has gone done to almost zero.

I know that you have mentioned the other problems you and your dh have been having, do you think perhaps he has a sex addiction in general Sorry I"m not trying to put more negative thoughts in your head, I'm thinking that some things sort of follow a pattern. Or he has problems with REAL intimacy. IDK, I'm sorry though.

 

[candiel]

Bottom line is that YOU have to decide what YOU are going to do about it. You have expressed your concerns, he knows you are concerned, his actions have not changed. What are YOU going to do about it?

I was once confronted with a similar ultimatum by a guy at one point. He did something I didn't like. I confronted. He said, what are you going to do about it? I was like, excuse me?!?!?! He said that now that you know FOR SURE, either you will accept it (and act out in some way) or you will leave. I left.

The point being you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere...otherwise, after a while, you might as well stick your head in it.

Very well put.....you are so right. I need to decide what I'm going to do about it because I don't feel like he is taking me seriously. We have been dealing with this for the past 6 years now and it keeps on creeping back in.

I need him to see that I am very serious about it.

 

[meaganita]

Also, I think women become much like objects in their minds and they MAY start to view women as sexual objects rather than human beings.

This statement was exactly true for my ex. He was at the point where he didn't even have empathy towards women. It was like a woman might as well be a piece of furniture.

 

[Mocha5]

(((Hugs))) Now take a deep breath and relax. This is not about you. You are more than adequate and I'm sure he loves you very much. However, it does sound like he is addicted. In my opinion, watching porn plants a seed that can quickly grow into a raging addiction. One of the main reasons why it's a billion dollar industry is because it's addictive not because it's a leisurely way to pass time.

My advice to you is that you seek counseling, preferrably at your church if your have one. I think that this is a serious situation so it's going to call for some drastic measures i.e. turning off cable, disabling internet service, etc. because one of the biggest problems is that there are so many ways to feed this addiction. And at this point, I wouldn't wait for him to agree with me on anything because he doesn't realize he has a problem. Make the appointment and take him even if you gotta drag him. If he wants to save his marriage, he'll go. Just tell him to entertain you for a while. He may really need to hear from someone else that he does, indeed, have a problem.

Get drastic! Fight for your marriage!

 

[gone_fishing]

I can't say if you are overreacting or it's according to how you feel. Why do you feel disrepected? Is it because he is keeping it a secret? or because he is watching it period? Do you feel as tho if he watching it there is something you aren't doing for him to go there? Do you dislike porn?

my SO will watch it every nowand again when i'm not putting out. He needs something to help him....big deal. NOW me i love to watch it. I have actually learned new tricks from watching it. I will watch it during our time to together it heightens things

But i guess if you don't like it from jump I can see how it bothers you but just think about this it could be worse what if he chose to go outside of the marriage to get what ever it is he getting from the porn. just my

This is the problem I have (not with you but with that line of thought). A marriage or a long term relationship is about trust and respect. It should never be about black mail.

Personally, I don't agree with depriving sex from your husband if you are married unless you are on your period so the not putting out would never be an issue in our relationship.

However, I'd NOT want to be married to a man that implied he'd step outside our relationship if I didn't respond to his every sexual whim. That is disrespectful and blackmail and is not a product of love at all.

There has to be compromise but I'm sick of women thinking they have to do and be all these things to men for fear they will run out.

When Beyonce said in her cater to you song that she does what she does because she knows if she doesn't he'll find another woman that will...that hit me all wrong.

I'm all about being loving and submissive to my husband but it shouldn't be out of fear that he'll fall into another woman.

 

[MissScarlett]

This is the problem I have (not with you but with that line of thought). A marriage or a long term relationship is about trust and respect. It should never be about black mail.

Personally, I don't agree with depriving sex from your husband if you are married unless you are on your period so the not putting out would never be an issue in our relationship.

However, I'd NOT want to be married to a man that implied he'd step outside our relationship if I didn't respond to his every sexual whim. That is disrespectful and blackmail and is not a product of love at all.

There has to be compromise but I'm sick of women thinking they have to do and be all these things to men for fear they will run out.

When Beyonce said in her cater to you song that she does what she does because she knows if she doesn't he'll find another woman that will...that hit me all wrong.

I'm all about being loving and submissive to my husband but it shouldn't be out of fear that he'll fall into another woman.

ITA. I tell women all the time, why are we worried about them, they should be somewhere worried about how to keep us, but the pleasing always falls on us. I try keep my dh on his toes.

 

[eyunka]

I have to admit i did take it personal and i understand all your points i guess for me hard for to see how important this is and serious because i have never really had issues as such....i really hope all works out for her[

quote=MissScarlett;2823125]

I expected someone if not all to disagree with me.

To the bolded, sorry I guess I just didn't like that and that is kewl you don't like it..no harm in that. It wasn't a personal attack against you, I just didn't like the way it was stated, I try to back things up with smilies


And this is coming from someone who will watch porn and doesn't care if dh watches it. why should i care if my husbands watches it with me or not what do you mean "coming from someone who watches porn" what exactly are you trying to say a women is not suppose to like watching it?

Coming from someone as in ME, I watch porn. Sorry that wasn't clear.... I was saying although I LIKE porn, if someone doesn't, its their choice not to accept it. If she doesn't LIKE IT she doesn't have to adopt this "oh well, at least he's not cheating attitude" and accept it.

PORN or anything, if I asked DH NOT to do it, it would then become a respect issue because in a marriage your spouse should not do anything you are not comfortable with and vice versa.i agree with you here and i also know in a marriage there is compromise there is always going to be things we don't like doing but sometimes we have to and it's that individual who decides what they compromise about it's obvious this is not something you will compromise on...for me it's no bit deal. Something that is not a compromise is having a gun in the house with kids (which is off the subject) but others may say ok

Yes, I agree with this. There's going to have to be a compromise on someone's part, obviously she did for awhile, now its his turn.

 

[MissScarlett]

I have to admit i did take it personal and i understand all your points i guess for me for me to see how impotant this is and serious this is because i have never really had issues as such....i really all works out for here[

quote=MissScarlett;2823125]

I expected someone if not all to disagree with me.

It wasn't at you but moreso the philosophy of thinking. Like rich/wealthy men that cheat, some women ignore it because they say "well he pays all the bills, he takes care of us" etc. Its like a person has to sort of take something less because they can' t get more or get what they want. That was my point.

I wanted to clarify it wasn't against you personally. I know LOTS of women that are on either side of the fence, some like porn, some don't.

eta: i used to think the same way, no big deal, until I saw that some people really have a problem with it and some are addicted to it.

 

[meaganita]

Here's link to Kirk Franklin's (and his wife) interview with Oprah regarding his porn addiction.

http://www2.oprah.com/tows/slide/200511/20051130/slide_20051130_284_101.jhtml

 

[eyunka]

responds in bold

This is the problem I have (not with you but with that line of thought). A marriage or a long term relationship is about trust and respect. It should never be about black mail. That statement was not said to used as a tool for blackmail. It was simply stated that this could happen.

Personally, I don't agree with depriving sex from your husband if you are married unless you are on your period so the not putting out would never be an issue in our relationship. Understandable but when i have tons of things to finish with 3 kids somethings have to be put on the back burner in my marriage and has worked for 13 years so far with np

However, I'd NOT want to be married to a man that implied he'd step outside our relationship if I didn't respond to his every sexual whim. That is disrespectful and blackmail and is not a product of love at all. I agree with you there

There has to be compromise but I'm sick of women thinking they have to do and be all these things to men for fear they will run out.

When Beyonce said in her cater to you song that she does what she does because she knows if she doesn't he'll find another woman that will...that hit me all wrong.

I'm all about being loving and submissive to my husband but it shouldn't be out of fear that he'll fall into another woman.

 

[meaganita]

quote=MissScarlett;2823125]
I know LOTS of women that are on either side of the fence, some like porn, some don't.[/quote]
I agree that liking or not liking porn doesn't necessarily hinder woman's ability to be objective about whether it's a form of entertainment or obsession for her partner.

 

[kbragg]

Hey. I haven't read the entire thread yet, but check out this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAvEoWS1b-0 (starts approx 1 minute into the interview - it's short). Have DH watch it too. Also check out the CD as well: http://www.livingwaters.com/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=356&Category_Code= I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[candiel]

ITA. I tell women all the time, why are we worried about them, they should be somewhere worried about how to keep us, but the pleasing always falls on us. I try keep my dh on his toes.

So true!

Thanks ladies for all of your responses! It's really helping me to sort through my thoughts. I was about to call DH and go crazy on him this morning when I discovered he was looking at that stuff just last night.

Now, I'm getting a chance to think rationally and look at things from different angles.

I just know that I'm not going to be dealing with this for another 6 years. It's very draining for me.

 

[gone_fishing]

responds in bold

I was not trying to imply at all that you were doing anything wrong in your relationship so I apologize for that. I should have put that better.

I'm glad you do not see porn as a problem in your relationship. What I was trying to explain is that even if you needed a break, a man shouldn't give you the ultimatum of "it's porn or another woman".

I just find that to be disrespectful. Again, I'm sorry. I said that all wrong.

 

[candiel]

Here's link to Kirk Franklin's (and his wife) interview with Oprah regarding his porn addiction.

http://www2.oprah.com/tows/slide/200511/20051130/slide_20051130_284_101.jhtml

I remember watching this show, I even told DH about it. Thanks for the link! I'm going to watch it again.

 

[gone_fishing]

I remember watching this show, I even told DH about it. Thanks for the link! I'm going to watch it again.

And this is how you know it's not about YOU or the woman. OP is doing nothing wrong. You don't cause porn addiction.

Women take too much credit for their mate's ailments.

I wish they'd stop. Sometimes it's about THEIR problems and not about OUR inadequacies and men make me so upset when they try to convince us we are the source of something that's been deep seeded in them since before they even met us.

 

[eyunka]

we're good...it's all about opinions here

I was not trying to imply at all that you were doing anything wrong in your relationship so I apologize for that. I should have put that better.

I'm glad you do not see porn as a problem in your relationship. What I was trying to explain is that even if you needed a break, a man shouldn't give you the ultimatum of "it's porn or another woman".

I just find that to be disrespectful. Again, I'm sorry. I said that all wrong.

 

[Mocha5]

Here's link to Kirk Franklin's (and his wife) interview with Oprah regarding his porn addiction.

http://www2.oprah.com/tows/slide/200511/20051130/slide_20051130_284_101.jhtml

Thanks for posting. I was coming back to add about Kirk Franklin's addiction. I, personally, think that he has been very brave to speak publically about it. So Candiel, my final comment is that you do a lot of research. You need to know that you are not in this alone. I'll keep you and DH in my prayers.

 

[candiel]

Sorry but I've never been into sticking parts into places where stuff is supposed to come out. I know some people like it but I don't. I also would never consider group sexual activities and these were things he wanted to "try".

I personally feel like porn can have an psychological affect on men and women. Many men who have a porn addiction also have sexual dysfunction. They may be desensitized so that only more increasingly taboo activities such as "golden showers" etc. and BDSM are exciting OR they may not even be able to come because they are not stimulated enough because of all the porn they've viewed.

Also, I think women become much like objects in their minds and they MAY start to view women as sexual objects rather than human beings.

Very excellent points!

I think this is my problem with porn. I believe that watching it all the time will negatively affect your mind after a while.

Dh has repeatedly asked me to engage in activities that are just a big no-no for me.

 

[JamericanGurl]

I was not trying to imply at all that you were doing anything wrong in your relationship so I apologize for that. I should have put that better.

I'm glad you do not see porn as a problem in your relationship. What I was trying to explain is that even if you needed a break, a man shouldn't give you the ultimatum of "it's porn or another woman".

I just find that to be disrespectful. Again, I'm sorry. I said that all wrong.

Cuz the bolded statement is the truth! To me anything that is deemed hurtful by either party is disrespectful Meaning if she doesn't like porn and her hubby continues it's disrespectful to me.

I have a friend who's husband like to experiment with all sorts of stuff he saw in movies. One day she mentioned that he bought her a strap on
Use your imagination I won't elaborate. She started to pickup all sorts of bacteria one of which you can get from wiping from back to front. I told her that was from all that freaky isherplexed I had more thoughts but since she didn't wanna see the obvious...Wasn't my job to slap her with it.

One day she found this flyer for the Beautiful Erotic Ladies Show being held at a local club. The night of the event she called me up and says lets go see....Oh we saw alright A drag show was being held and her hubby was throwing money on the stage in the Shim's G-Strings

She was devestated! They went to counseling yadayada, eventually divorced she remarried and is negative and he now lives with his life partner in FLerplexed

This is an extreme case.

 

[envybeauty]

Cuz the bolded statement is the truth! To me anything that is deemed hurtful by either party is disrespectful Meaning if she doesn't like porn and her hubby continues it's disrespectful to me.

I have a friend who's husband like to experiment with all sorts of stuff he saw in movies. One day she mentioned that he bought her a strap on
Use your imagination I won't elaborate. She started to pickup all sorts of bacteria one of which you can get from wiping from back to front. I told her that was from all that freaky isherplexed I had more thoughts but since she didn't wanna see the obvious...Wasn't my job to slap her with it.

One day she found this flyer for the Beautiful Erotic Ladies Show being held at a local club. The night of the event she called me up and says lets go see....Oh we saw alright A drag show was being held and her hubby was throwing money on the stage in the Shim's G-Strings

She was devestated! They went to counseling yadayada, eventually divorced she remarried and is negative and he now lives with his life partner in FLerplexed

This is an extreme case.

You can't tell me that she had no clue from THAT point forward.

 

[candiel]

Cuz the bolded statement is the truth! To me anything that is deemed hurtful by either party is disrespectful Meaning if she doesn't like porn and her hubby continues it's disrespectful to me.

I have a friend who's husband like to experiment with all sorts of stuff he saw in movies. One day she mentioned that he bought her a strap on
Use your imagination I won't elaborate. She started to pickup all sorts of bacteria one of which you can get from wiping from back to front. I told her that was from all that freaky isherplexed I had more thoughts but since she didn't wanna see the obvious...Wasn't my job to slap her with it.

One day she found this flyer for the Beautiful Erotic Ladies Show being held at a local club. The night of the event she called me up and says lets go see....Oh we saw alright A drag show was being held and her hubby was throwing money on the stage in the Shim's G-Strings

She was devestated! They went to counseling yadayada, eventually divorced she remarried and is negative and he now lives with his life partner in FLerplexed

This is an extreme case.

OMG, that is so sad. Her clue should have been the fact that he wanted her to use a strap-onerplexed.

 

[JamericanGurl]

You can't tell me that she had no clue from THAT point forward.

Gurrrrrl! we can jus call her Cleopatra cuz her arse was in D-Nile!

Since she ain't wanna face it....it wasn't my job to beat her over the head with the fact her husband was a bottom

 

[candiel]

One of the issues my ex (with the porn addiction) had was that as a little boy, he had to watch from the backseat as his mother was raped by a stranger in her car. Believe me when I say that was only the tip of the iceberg. But from the outside looking in, he was perfectly normal, scholarly, successful, ambitious, and many other things. No one knew just how tortured he was on the inside and how deep his obsession with porn was. Our relationship ended because of other issues. But I would have been willing to stand by him through therapy otherwise.

That is just horrible! No child should have to go through that.

Well, DH did tell me that he has been watching porn ever since he was little ( age 13) but, I just thought it was normal at that time for a boy that age to want to see things like that.

I'm starting to think that he was probably addicted to it even back then. I don't know what may have triggered it though.

 

[gone_fishing]

That is just horrible! No child should have to go through that.

Well, DH did tell me that he has been watching porn ever since he was little ( age 13) but, I just thought it was normal at that time for a boy that age to want to see things like that.

I'm starting to think that he was probably addicted to it even back then. I don't know what may have triggered it though.

Even then there's a point when it's no longer normal.

http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/originals/cyberseduction.php

 

[Colliecole]

Porn makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like "What does that do for you that you cant get from me?" and I get all self concious of my body and my sexual appeal. Its like "What am i not sexy enough for you? And if I am, why do you need to look at that other person for gratification? And are you looking at the girl or the guy? And why are they white or asain or hispanic and i'm black? Is that what you really wish you could be with?" Thats just too much for me, and I'm already not the most self confident person. I can't see myself getting over it and just being like "Well hey, at least he's not cheating..." I can do way more for him than any porn could, and that's the bottom line. Me or the porn? My BF had a collection when we met, we had a talk and he threw it out. And If it comes back I'm gonna be like "Get some therapy or here's the ultimatum because I can't handle that."

Relationships are about compromise, and we both need to be willing to sacrafice for the other person. Since porn is non-bebeficial often destructive bahaivior anyway, I think he should be the one to make the sacrafice. It's like, If I have an alchohol problem and it makes him uncomfortable, I need to get help. I can't just be like "This is what I like so deal with it." But if we both drink together that's different... If the man has any sense at all, he'll get over it, or atleast make an effort. If not, he wasnt right anyway. Me, I'd rather be on my own than in a miserable relationsip.

Hope I didn't offend anyone but having been through this before, this is how I feel, and these are my personal standards.

 

[syze6]

I would suggest you get couseling if you think it's a problem. Me personally don't like the whole porn thing. What makes me any different from a person peeping in someones window watching them undress or have sex. I would categorize that person as a PERVERT and I really don't see the difference with watching porn.

 

[meaganita]

Well, DH did tell me that he has been watching porn ever since he was little ( age 13) but, I just thought it was normal at that time for a boy that age to want to see things like that.

I'm starting to think that he was probably addicted to it even back then. I don't know what may have triggered it though.

Yeah, my ex started off young too. I think it starts off innocent, but then gradually morphs into this complicated emotional and/or psychological escape, in the form of a sick obsession.