Please help me get out of this space

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

This is a post directed more so at the single mom. I'm so emotionally spent and disgusted with myself and I don't know how to move past this moment.

I am having the hardest time dealing with baby daddy. He knows how to make me feel worthless but truthfully it's my own fault. He's been talking about how much he wants to get back together. How it's all that matters to him. I'm immediately against it but find myself enjoying his vulnerability at the same time. I soak up the attention and now I'm emotional because he got mad at me, hung up on me, and block my call for hours. This was what he did when we were together. He'd refuse to answer my call when we were in a bad place or he'd walk away from our entire relationship for months. I have issues with feeling abandoned and I think that's why I become so distraught at these times.
But more than that it's the fact that again he got inside my emotions and messed around and I never saw it coming. I've posted about him before and he's definitely no good for me but that fact doesn't keep him from having an affect on me and I hate that.
Im sick of being here in this space with him... does it ever end? I guess that's my question... is there Some point where this will all be unemotional and I'll be able to look at him and talk to him without feeling overwhelming hatred or other wise?

 

[Mai Tai]

What gets me about your post is that you talk as if your baby daddy just works himself into your life without your FULL participation. He doesn't have your emotions all messed up...YOU have your emotions messed up and until you realize this, you will always be on the losing end.

With you knowing his pattern, and knowing how painful this revolving door is, why do you even bother with him? Your feelings of despair are a direct result of you letting him use you as his emotional playground.

 

[TayMac]

The only interaction you two should have should be in regards to kids...money and visits. Is he contributing or seeing his children? Once you break the hold you feel he has on you, maybe you can have conversations.

He can't play mind games without an available mind. You won't know your calls are blocked if you aren't trying to call.

Yes it will be over when YOU make it over. I know this from experience. It isn't worth it especially if he isn't doing his fatherly duties and if he is...you have got to be about your business.

 

[Jas123]

This is a post directed more so at the single mom. I'm so emotionally spent and disgusted with myself and I don't know how to move past this moment.

I am having the hardest time dealing with baby daddy. He knows how to make me feel worthless but truthfully it's my own fault. He's been talking about how much he wants to get back together. How it's all that matters to him. I'm immediately against it but find myself enjoying his vulnerability at the same time. I soak up the attention and now I'm emotional because he got mad at me, hung up on me, and block my call for hours. This was what he did when we were together. He'd refuse to answer my call when we were in a bad place or he'd walk away from our entire relationship for months. I have issues with feeling abandoned and I think that's why I become so distraught at these times.

read the bolded out loud to yourself

But more than that it's the fact that again he got inside my emotions and messed around and I never saw it coming. I've posted about him before and he's definitely no good for me but that fact doesn't keep him from having an affect on me and I hate that.
Im sick of being here in this space with him... does it ever end? I guess that's my question... is there Some point where this will all be unemotional and I'll be able to look at him and talk to him without feeling overwhelming hatred or other wise?

how can you say you never saw it coming when you stated he's done this before

my advice: treat him as kind as possible and nothing more because you share a child but that's it... keep him @ arms length and DON'T allow him into your space or heart (remind yourself of his history)... he may mistake your kindness for more but that's on him...

 

[biznesswmn]

You say you are immediately against it, yet you play the game... Once you really dont want him, i mean REALLY, then it will stop. You wont play the game with him anymore, his antics wont affect you at all. You will begin to look at him as he is and feel a totally different emotion. It will end when you are ready for it to end. Then he will hav no choice but to respect and deal with the new woman you will become...in time.

I think you still love him, and thats ok.. Gotta put your big girl panties on . It aint easy, but very necessary

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

I appreciate the honesty and blunt advice. ..I need this.
Why am I not getting it? I know it's me but I could never figure out how to just stop. I feel like if he see me changed then he'll change and it'll all work out. I have to accept that it won't amongst other things

 

[biznesswmn]

Well if you change and he changes, and it all works out then good! But YOU still hav to change, because you dont want things to remain as they are. You hav to be ready to stick to your guns, keep your feet on the ground, all that. Whatevr you need from the relationship has to be clearly conveyed and if he doesnt deliver in YOUR time frame (because remember, you are changing for you not for him) then you gotta keep it movin and trust that things will be okay.
You hav so much more to do with your time and energy. This is a temporary situation.

 

[mallysmommy]

I know how you feel sweetie. It took me two years to finally get over ds father. What helped me was the "out of sight out of mind" approach. I erased and threw away every photo article and memory that i had of him. I pretended as if he didnt exist. When he called i handed the phone to our child. If we spoke it was strictly about ds. Didnt ask about his day or nothing. I didnt care. I blocked him completely out of my personal life. Treated him like a "bill". Im cordial to him but our dealings are strictly about ds. Once i was finally over him i felt strong enough to get back out there and see other people. Make new friends. Find hobbies and whatnot. Baby daddy doesnt phase me anymore. I had a slight hiccup once i found out he was getting married and this is bad but i remembered how he treated me and how awful it was i immediately started feeling sorry for his fw. I said a prayer for her . Hope you feel better. If you are anything like me all the advice in the world wont mean a hill a beans until you can believe it yourself. Good luck.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

It's super hard when you have a child in common.

He sounds like an emotional bully and it seems you walked into this eyes wide open. Don't think yourself strong enough to carry you through the second time (or whatever time this is) with him.

Easier said than done. I'm not sure it matters why you can't stay away, just make the decision to focus on yourself.

hugs

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

I know how you feel sweetie. It took me two years to finally get over ds father. What helped me was the "out of sight out of mind" approach. I erased and threw away every photo article and memory that i had of him. I pretended as if he didnt exist. When he called i handed the phone to our child. If we spoke it was strictly about ds. Didnt ask about his day or nothing. I didnt care. I blocked him completely out of my personal life. Treated him like a "bill". Im cordial to him but our dealings are strictly about ds. Once i was finally over him i felt strong enough to get back out there and see other people. Make new friends. Find hobbies and whatnot. Baby daddy doesnt phase me anymore. I had a slight hiccup once i found out he was getting married and this is bad but i remembered how he treated me and how awful it was i immediately started feeling sorry for his fw. I said a prayer for her . Hope you feel better. If you are anything like me all the advice in the world wont mean a hill a beans until you can believe it yourself. Good luck.

This is what I'm working on... getting to the point where it's just about the kids but that's the hard part

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

I know how you feel sweetie. It took me two years to finally get over ds father. What helped me was the "out of sight out of mind" approach. I erased and threw away every photo article and memory that i had of him. I pretended as if he didnt exist. When he called i handed the phone to our child. If we spoke it was strictly about ds. Didnt ask about his day or nothing. I didnt care. I blocked him completely out of my personal life. Treated him like a "bill". Im cordial to him but our dealings are strictly about ds. Once i was finally over him i felt strong enough to get back out there and see other people. Make new friends. Find hobbies and whatnot. Baby daddy doesnt phase me anymore. I had a slight hiccup once i found out he was getting married and this is bad but i remembered how he treated me and how awful it was i immediately started feeling sorry for his fw. I said a prayer for her . Hope you feel better. If you are anything like me all the advice in the world wont mean a hill a beans until you can believe it yourself. Good luck.

This is what I'm working on... getting to the point where it's just about the kids but that's the hard part

 

[sunnydaze]

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. It really is a process getting over someone, no matter how unhealthy the relationship was, when there is a child/children involved. That keeps youi in contact, out of sight out of mind doesn't work when you have to be in contact with that person on a consistent basis.

It does sound like you still care for him, even though you know its not a healthy relationship. I agree with other posters who say you need to find other interests, make new friends, build new relationships. You seem to be in this emotional bubble with him, you need to have other outlets you can direct your emotions towards.

 

[Bublin]

You need to go No Contact or Low Contact since you have a child.
Google the terms as it's all over the internet in how to deal with these parasites.

 

[*CherryPie*]

OP, it sounds like you still want him.

This is what you need to do: Focus on what you DON'T like about him...stuff that irritates you...the bad/negative things about him. Soon, you'll be seeing him in a different light.

You have to find a way to cut those emotional ties. He's not making you listen and react to him...you're doing that to yourself.

Either that...or wait until he's through playing wth you. He'll leave you when he's tired of playing.

 

[shenitab]

Write down all of the the things you don't like about him.. the things he has done to hurt you.


Write down why you stayed with him. Were you scared of being alone? Didn't want to be a single parent? Didn't want to try and find somebody else? Make a plan to address/get over those issues.

Get a hobby, read up on parenting issues, take a class, learn about saving money, workout, do more activities with the kids. Be so busy that you don't have time to think about dealing with him.

 

[sistatv]

Sometimes giving some people as second chance is like giving them another bullet cause they missed you the first time.

The fact is you had a baby together and every single body I know that had a baby with someone wanted it to work out from jump. But sometimes you make a baby with a nut. And it has to be the way none of us wanted it. He knows that and is playing on that very natural and understandable emotion to get you back into the situation that you KNOW is not good for you. There is love to be had for you yet. And that love has nothing to do with him, his emotional bullying and continuing the relationship YOU know is not for you. He does need to be in your child's life but he no longer has a place in yours. He is no longer worthy.

You have to go gansta with it... Just like a PP said... Strictly business. STRICTLY business. If that means you have to have a friend or family member handle pick ups and drops offs of the child then so be it. Before you call him about a problem with your child be 1000% certain that he is the only one who can help with this issue. If not don't call. You need to become a TERSE email and texter

Child will be at point a at 6pm. Child will need to be returned by 7pm the following day.

Do not answer any questions about you and your day or ask any about him.
Only Skim his replies for the information you need and delete when you got what you need to get.

Of course, you want to be comfortable with your child's father, we still friends blah blah blah. But ya'll aint there yet and you may never be.Your child will not become an axe murderer just because mommy and daddy aren't friends. Don't bad mouth him to your child or anything but you don't have to be homies, lovers, or friends either.

All the time you are spending enjoying his vulnerability could be spent enjoying the company of a good man who won't exploit your emotions and will be vulnerable and shower you with attention for the right reasons. He is taking up space in your life and your future that is not his.

It does end. Its your life. It ends when you say it does. Get clear about the life you real want and go get it.

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

Write down all of the the things you don't like about him.. the things he has done to hurt you.

Write down why you stayed with him. Were you scared of being alone? Didn't want to be a single parent? Didn't want to try and find somebody else? Make a plan to address/get over those issues.

Get a hobby, read up on parenting issues, take a class, learn about saving money, workout, do more activities with the kids. Be so busy that you don't have time to think about dealing with him.

Thank you for the assignment....I will work on this tonight.

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

Sometimes giving some people as second chance is like giving them another bullet cause they missed you the first time.

The fact is you had a baby together and every single body I know that had a baby with someone wanted it to work out from jump. But sometimes you make a baby with a nut. And it has to be the way none of us wanted it. He knows that and is playing on that very natural and understandable emotion to get you back into the situation that you KNOW is not good for you. There is love to be had for you yet. And that love has nothing to do with him, his emotional bullying and continuing the relationship YOU know is not for you. He does need to be in your child's life but he no longer has a place in yours. He is no longer worthy.

You have to go gansta with it... Just like a PP said... Strictly business. STRICTLY business. If that means you have to have a friend or family member handle pick ups and drops offs of the child then so be it. Before you call him about a problem with your child be 1000% certain that he is the only one who can help with this issue. If not don't call. You need to become a TERSE email and texter

Child will be at point a at 6pm. Child will need to be returned by 7pm the following day.

Do not answer any questions about you and your day or ask any about him.
Only Skim his replies for the information you need and delete when you got what you need to get.

Of course, you want to be comfortable with your child's father, we still friends blah blah blah. But ya'll aint there yet and you may never be.Your child will not become an axe murderer just because mommy and daddy aren't friends. Don't bad mouth him to your child or anything but you don't have to be homies, lovers, or friends either.

All the time you are spending enjoying his vulnerability could be spent enjoying the company of a good man who won't exploit your emotions and will be vulnerable and shower you with attention for the right reasons. He is taking up space in your life and your future that is not his.

It does end. Its your life. It ends when you say it does. Get clear about the life you real want and go get it.

Thank you for this I so needed it today, right now. I love the second chance line it is my life and he's not welcome period.

 

[pearcey]

Sometimes giving some people as second chance is like giving them another bullet cause they missed you the first time.

The fact is you had a baby together and every single body I know that had a baby with someone wanted it to work out from jump. But sometimes you make a baby with a nut. And it has to be the way none of us wanted it. He knows that and is playing on that very natural and understandable emotion to get you back into the situation that you KNOW is not good for you. There is love to be had for you yet. And that love has nothing to do with him, his emotional bullying and continuing the relationship YOU know is not for you. He does need to be in your child's life but he no longer has a place in yours. He is no longer worthy.

You have to go gansta with it... Just like a PP said... Strictly business. STRICTLY business. If that means you have to have a friend or family member handle pick ups and drops offs of the child then so be it. Before you call him about a problem with your child be 1000% certain that he is the only one who can help with this issue. If not don't call. You need to become a TERSE email and texter

Child will be at point a at 6pm. Child will need to be returned by 7pm the following day.

Do not answer any questions about you and your day or ask any about him.
Only Skim his replies for the information you need and delete when you got what you need to get.

Of course, you want to be comfortable with your child's father, we still friends blah blah blah. But ya'll aint there yet and you may never be.Your child will not become an axe murderer just because mommy and daddy aren't friends. Don't bad mouth him to your child or anything but you don't have to be homies, lovers, or friends either.

All the time you are spending enjoying his vulnerability could be spent enjoying the company of a good man who won't exploit your emotions and will be vulnerable and shower you with attention for the right reasons. He is taking up space in your life and your future that is not his.

It does end. Its your life. It ends when you say it does. Get clear about the life you real want and go get it.

this is really a great post, whether you have baby momma/daddy drama or no, this can be used across the boards for any situation. thank you.