Parents Too Involved In Our Relationship!!!

[gabulldawg]

Ladies, ladies, ladies. I am too outdone. I don't know what to do!!! My boyfriend recently moved into a house. I am really happy for him and it's a great house and is very beautiful. However, it's about 4 miles from his parents house... When I found out where the house was being built I KNEW that his parents would be more of an issue for us! My SO is an only child, so him and his parents are very close, which has been very awkward for me coming from a family with 3 other siblings.

Anyway, my SO recently told me that his mom has expressed to his dad that he does not like the fact that I am staying at my SO's house regularly. She goes out of her way (but I guess not too far out since the houses are close) to drive by his house so she can check to see if my car is in his driveway!!! I think that's a bit much personally. I can't see why the woman can't mind her business! Both his parents and my parents have expressed to us that they don't want us moving in together and want us to get married before we do that. We both understand that (which is why we are BOTH currently paying rent/mortgage at two different places) but we still enjoy staying together at night every now and then!

Am I overreacting by being a little pissed at the fact that his parents are all up in our business?? My SO thinks that I am. I just think that his parents need to mind their business and get a life!!! Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? Was it ever resolved? Any help from you ladies would be greatly appreciated. erplexed

 

[locabouthair]

Ladies, ladies, ladies. I am too outdone. I don't know what to do!!! My boyfriend recently moved into a house. I am really happy for him and it's a great house and is very beautiful. However, it's about 4 miles from his parents house... When I found out where the house was being built I KNEW that his parents would be more of an issue for us! My SO is an only child, so him and his parents are very close, which has been very awkward for me coming from a family with 3 other siblings.

Anyway, my SO recently told me that his mom has expressed to his dad that he does not like the fact that I am staying at my SO's house regularly. She goes out of her way (but I guess not too far out since the houses are close) to drive by his house so she can check to see if my car is in his driveway!!! I think that's a bit much personally. I can't see why the woman can't mind her business! Both his parents and my parents have expressed to us that they don't want us moving in together and want us to get married before we do that. We both understand that (which is why we are BOTH currently paying rent/mortgage at two different places) but we still enjoy staying together at night every now and then!

Am I overreacting by being a little pissed at the fact that his parents are all up in our business?? My SO thinks that I am. I just think that his parents need to mind their business and get a life!!! Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? Was it ever resolved? Any help from you ladies would be greatly appreciated. erplexed

I think they need to get a life too. I've never been in that situation. How old is your SO? Personally if I was a parent, after age 21 what my child does is their business. They have to live thier own life.

I mean you are his gf, if you want to stay at his house a lot, that's between you and him.

 

[gabulldawg]

I think they need to get a life too. I've never been in that situation. How old is your SO? Personally if I was a parent, after age 21 what my child does is their business. They have to live thier own life.

I mean you are his gf, if you want to stay at his house a lot, that's between you and him.

Thanks for your input, loca. He is 26 years old!!!! I feel like I am not in the place to say anything, but I really want to tell her to let him grow up!

 

[locabouthair]

Thanks for your input, loca. He is 26 years old!!!! I feel like I am not in the place to say anything, but I really want to tell her to let him grow up!

yeah he's old enough. your right, dont say anything to her. has she acted funny towards you? driving to his house to see if you're there is very extreme.

 

[gabulldawg]

yeah he's old enough. your right, dont say anything to her. has she acted funny towards you? driving to his house to see if you're there is very extreme.

Definitely extreme. I don't get what would possess her to do that and why she doesn't see that's wrong!!! My SO also doesn't seem to think that it's weird or anything because he's defending her and her actions, saying that she has the right to feel how she wants to feel. I definitely think she's entitled to her own opinions, but she doesn't need to drive by his house everyday!!! She's never acted funny towards me and he claims that she is in love with me and wants to see us get married...

 

[strenght81]

Definitely extreme. I don't get what would possess her to do that and why she doesn't see that's wrong!!! My SO also doesn't seem to think that it's weird or anything because he's defending her and her actions, saying that she has the right to feel how she wants to feel. I definitely think she's entitled to her own opinions, but she doesn't need to drive by his house everyday!!! She's never acted funny towards me and he claims that she is in love with me and wants to see us get married...

In reference to the bolded, it's obvious that your SO is siding with his Momma. He is the only child, his momma's "baby" so to speak and he seems to respect her opinion a great deal. If you continue to make this an issue you may run into some problems, I think it's best to express how you feel about his parents actions and hopefully come to a compromise. If he is as close to his parents as you say, you may be drawing him away by constantly disagreeing with his moms opinion/action. When in relationships, we don't only marry or date the man we are actually in a relationship with the family, friends etc. I am close to my mom (I'm not the only child) but If my mate and family can't get along, my man will have to go.

 

[gabulldawg]

In reference to the bolded, it's obvious that your SO is siding with his Momma. He is the only child, his momma's "baby" so to speak and he seems to respect her opinion a great deal. If you continue to make this an issue you may run into some problems, I think it's best to express how you feel about his parents actions and hopefully come to a compromise. If he is as close to his parents as you say, you may be drawing him away by constantly disagreeing with his moms opinion/action. When in relationships, we don't only marry or date the man we are actually in a relationship with the family, friends etc. I am close to my mom (I'm not the only child) but If my mate and family can't get along, my man will have to go.

I guess I would like to know how we could come to a compromise! Do you agree or disagree that her actions are a bit harsh? Would a compromise be for him to express to her how I feel and let her decide what she will do from there?

 

[WomanlyCharm]

You two stay at your place. Momma goes to his house, doesn't see your car, and thinks her sweet little boy is alone in bed.


Problem solved.

Seriously though, she's gone waaaay overboard when it comes to the drive bys...that's just a little too possessive to me.

 

[gabulldawg]

You two stay at your place. Momma goes to his house, doesn't see your car, and thinks her sweet little boy is alone in bed.


Problem solved.

Seriously though, she's gone waaaay overboard when it comes to the drive bys...that's just a little too possessive to me.

LOL! Good idea! I just think this is so elementary having to sneak behind parents' backs! How old are we?? I TOLD him that it would be an issue. Now the next issue will be that if we do get married I don't want to stay in that house! I don't like people all up in my business...

 

[WomanlyCharm]

LOL! Good idea! I just think this is so elementary having to sneak behind parents' backs! How old are we?? I TOLD him that it would be an issue. Now the next issue will be that if we do get married I don't want to stay in that house! I don't like people all up in my business...

Oh, and best believe mommy dearest will be! She gonna have her fingers all over your personal business! How much does he tell her about yall's relationship?

I have never heard of a mother doing a drive by her son's house...that's like when an old girlfriend checks up on someone. Weird!

 

[gabulldawg]

Oh, and best believe mommy dearest will be! She gonna have her fingers all over your personal business! How much does he tell her about yall's relationship?

I have never heard of a mother doing a drive by her son's house...that's like when an old girlfriend checks up on someone. Weird!

Yea exactly!!! And that just gives me a sick feeling... Are you jealous of me????? If we do stay together that long I will need to figure out how I am going to break the news to him that he will have to give up his cherished home...

 

[strenght81]

I guess I would like to know how we could come to a compromise! Do you agree or disagree that her actions are a bit harsh? Would a compromise be for him to express to her how I feel and let her decide what she will do from there?

I agree that her driving to his house is over board . The compromise will have to be with you and her since she's the one you are having the problem with (not him) but that will only open up a whole other can of worms. To be honest, I have no advice.........Good luck.*slowly leaves the forum*

 

[gabulldawg]

I agree that her driving to his house is over board . The compromise will have to be with you and her since she's the one you are having the problem with (not him) but that will only open up a whole other can of worms. To be honest, I have no advice.........Good luck.*slowly leaves the forum*

LOL thanks anyway, strength! We will definitely come to SOME compromise because I don't like people all up in my bidness! I know that's his mom and all, but it's MY bidness! I couldn't imagine my parents doing that...

 

[poetist]

Maybe I'm by myself on this one, but I dont think his mothers "demands" are out of line. If she does indeed drive by his house JUST to see if your car is there, that may be a bit much. But, if she's religious or "old school" she may see it as disrespectful for you to be apending the night with him (no matter how infrequent). Im assuming your parents also think its inappropriate since they dont want the 2 of you living together until you're married.

No matter how old your SO is, his parents have expectations and obviously want him to carry himself with respect and treat you with respect. I think that is great. There are too many parents who try to be "friends" with their kids and choose not to speak up when their child is doing something wrong, all for the sake of being the cool parent. The "cool" parents and the "Im minding my own business" parents are part of the reason we have so many problems and unaccountability in the black community.

So If you are still gonna spend the night with him (which Im assuming you are) - discretion is the key - like someone esle suggested, he could stay at your house or come to pick u up when you spend the night at his house. Or maybe you could try not parking in the driveway or right in front of his house. I know you may feel like you're too old to be doing this, but I've done it before out of respect for myself and because I dont want my biz on blast.

 

[gabulldawg]

Maybe I'm by myself on this one, but I dont think his mothers "demands" are out of line. If she does indeed drive by his house JUST to see if your car is there, that may be a bit much. But, if she's religious or "old school" she may see it disrespectful for you to be staying with him. Im assuming your parents also think its inappropriate since they dont want the 2 of you living together until you're married.

No matter how old your SO is, his parents have expectations and obviously want him to carry himself with respect and treat you with respect. I think that is great. There are too many parents who try to be "friends" with their kids and choose not to speak up when their child is doing something wrong, all for the sake of being the cool parent. The "cool" parents and the "Im minding my own business" parents are part of the reason we have so many problems and unaccountability in the black community.

while I do agree with you, parents also cannot force their children to do what they want them to do. that's one thing that i do respect about my parents. they will always tell me what they like and don't like and what they want me to do, but they would never force me to do what they ask. i definitely agree that they are old school. however, i know that they stayed together before they got married as well. why try to make a big deal out of something you did yourself? i haven't moved in! i don't have any clothes there or anything.

i also wanted to add that i did just talk to him about how i felt. he told me that his mother doesn't just drive by the house to see if my car is there. he says that it is the way she takes to get to church and work, etc. i do know that the church she goes to is on the same street. however, she would be going out of her way to take his street to get to the highway (to where she works). he is also upset that i expressed to him that i thought it was weird that his mom drives by his house to check up on him. the conversation is still continuing so i will update more later...

 

[poetist]

while I do agree with you, parents also cannot force their children to do what they want them to do. that's one thing that i do respect about my parents. they will always tell me what they like and don't like and what they want me to do, but they would never force me to do what they ask. i definitely agree that they are old school. however, i know that they stayed together before they got married as well. why try to make a big deal out of something you did yourself? i haven't moved in! i don't have any clothes there or anything.

i also wanted to add that i did just talk to him about how i felt. he told me that his mother doesn't just drive by the house to see if my car is there. he says that it is the way she takes to get to church and work, etc. i do know that the church she goes to is on the same street. however, she would be going out of her way to take his street to get to the highway (to where she works). he is also upset that i expressed to him that i thought it was weird that his mom drives by his house to check up on him. the conversation is still continuing so i will update more later...

I mean, I guess everyone is different, but I for one, would not want my daughter spending the night with her BF even though I've done it. Parents do make mistakes, but always want better for their children. I think his mom is tight because too many parents have expectations for their daughters, but let their sons run wild in the streets. If my DH's mom ever saw my car in his driveway overnight while we were dating Id be mortified. Thats just me.

Since he's an only child and close to his mom, I do think you should be very careful when criticizing her. Thats can be a recipe for disaster. All in all, you guys can do whatever you want but I do think that respect for parents is key to a healthy, lasting relationship. Just my 2 cents.

 

[gabulldawg]

I mean, I guess everyone is different, but I for one, would not want my daughter spending the night with her BF even though I've done it. Parents do make mistakes, but always want better for their children. I think his mom is tight because toom any parents have expectations for their daughters, but let their sons run wild in the streets. If my DH's mom ever saw my car in his driveway overnight while we were dating Id be mortified. Thats just me.

Since he's an only child and close to his mom, I do think you should be very careful when criticizing her. Thats can be a recipe for disaster. All in all, you guys can do whatever you want but I do think that respect for parents is key to a healthy, lasting relationship. Just my 2 cents.

you are so right because i was bothered (but not mortified) by the fact that she saw my car in the driveway. but it angered me even more that she was in my business. ever since i was young i've hated people being in my business. i am a keep to myself kind of person and hate for people to try to assume how i am. just because i am staying over night doesn't mean anything is going on. and just because we ain't staying together over night doesn't mean nothing is going on!

 

[poetist]

you are so right because i was bothered (but not mortified) by the fact that she saw my car in the driveway. but it angered me even more that she was in my business. ever since i was young i've hated people being in my business. i am a keep to myself kind of person and hate for people to try to assume how i am. just because i am staying over night doesn't mean anything is going on. and just because we ain't staying together over night doesn't mean nothing is going on!

Now thats the truth!!!!!

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I don't think you're overreacting, but at the same time, you and I both know nothing is going to change.

When SO and I were moving in together, we didn't tell his parents until 5 days before my flight was leaving. My parents knew but they were MILES away and couldn't stop it either.

Now he's an only baby and you know how mothers are, AS LONG AS Y'ALL GET ALONG OTHERWISE, I really would try to ignore it.

 

[PinkPeony]

I feel you 100% gabulldawg and trust me it WILL get only worse after your marriage

Oh, and best believe mommy dearest will be! She gonna have her fingers all over your personal business! How much does he tell her about yall's relationship?

I have never heard of a mother doing a drive by her son's house...that's like when an old girlfriend checks up on someone. Weird!

You need to try and put a stop to it ASAP but honestly in the first years of marriage expect hubby to side with his mother.
Mine did too.

 

[Farida]

Ideally,I would say he should tell his mom not to drive by to check up on you. By now she knows you sleep over, so why does she need to keep confirming it?

At the same time, when you make a choice you have to deal with the consequences. If you feel that what you are doing is okay and his mother doesn't, then you need to face the fact that she will snoop and even when she doesn't snoop she may not like or respect you for your choices.

I would say watch how your man deals with the backlash from his mom. This is a sticky situation. You don't want to criticize his mom to the point where he sees you differently, at the same time you want to make sure that you as a couple can choose your paths without being "harassed" by his mother.

 

[Much2much41]

Ideally,I would say he should tell his mom not to drive by to check up on you. By now she knows you sleep over, so why does she need to keep confirming it?

At the same time, when you make a choice you have to deal with the consequences. If you feel that what you are doing is okay and his mother doesn't, then you need to face the fact that she will snoop and even when she doesn't snoop she may not like or respect you for your choices.

I would say watch how your man deals with the backlash from his mom. This is a sticky situation. You don't want to criticize his mom to the point where he sees you differently, at the same time you want to make sure that you as a couple can choose your paths without being "harassed" by his mother.

ITA. Just like the OP says she doesn't want anybody in her business, she also can't control where his mother drives in her car. She was his mother long before OP came into the picture, she isn't going anywhere, and she has a right to her opinion. He's her only child, and he's not going to be able to see how invasive she's being, at least for a while, because he's used to it. I do agree that she is being overbearing and nosey in this regard, but I also think it's dangerous ground to tread if you're interested in staying w/your boyfriend. If you're going to continue to park on the street, then so be it, but I wouldn't continue to criticize his mother. There are worse things she could be doing besides wishing for a chaste courtship for her son, to be honest. MIL's can make life really difficult. Don't give her the ammunition.

 

[caligirl]

There are too many parents who try to be "friends" with their kids and choose not to speak up when their child is doing something wrong, all for the sake of being the cool parent.

We are talking about a 26 year old grown a** man who lives on his own! I strongly disagree that they should be trying to "parent him" at this age, please. I wish my parents would tell me what to do in my own house where I pay the mortgage...

 

[gabulldawg]

LOL, I definitely feel you CaliGirl!

Anyway, here's the update. We got in a pretty big fight about it. It was mainly him who was upset because he did feel that I was badmouthing his mother, and I tried to tell him that I wasn't. I told him that I thought that was a bit much and that his parents really need to let him grow up! SO, he told me that his street is a shortcut for his parents to drive through when there's traffic on the main highly that heads to the freeway (how convenient...). So, he said that she wasn't driving by his house JUST to spy! He also said that his mom just commented that she thinks we should do the right thing and get married. He tried to say that doesn't mean that they don't like me or don't want me to be married. I should be honored that they want us to get married... He said that I was over-reacting and that she has to take that route. So, I told him that from now on, please do not tell me your parents' opinions about OUR relationship. Was that harsh???

 

[mrsjohnson75]

Ladies, ladies, ladies. I am too outdone. I don't know what to do!!! My boyfriend recently moved into a house. I am really happy for him and it's a great house and is very beautiful. However, it's about 4 miles from his parents house... When I found out where the house was being built I KNEW that his parents would be more of an issue for us! My SO is an only child, so him and his parents are very close, which has been very awkward for me coming from a family with 3 other siblings.

Anyway, my SO recently told me that his mom has expressed to his dad that he does not like the fact that I am staying at my SO's house regularly. She goes out of her way (but I guess not too far out since the houses are close) to drive by his house so she can check to see if my car is in his driveway!!! I think that's a bit much personally. I can't see why the woman can't mind her business! Both his parents and my parents have expressed to us that they don't want us moving in together and want us to get married before we do that. We both understand that (which is why we are BOTH currently paying rent/mortgage at two different places) but we still enjoy staying together at night every now and then!

Am I overreacting by being a little pissed at the fact that his parents are all up in our business?? My SO thinks that I am. I just think that his parents need to mind their business and get a life!!! Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? Was it ever resolved? Any help from you ladies would be greatly appreciated. erplexed

You really have a problem if he thinks you are overreacting. I think you need to have a serious talk with him, then he needs to check his mom.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

LOL, I definitely feel you CaliGirl!

Anyway, here's the update. We got in a pretty big fight about it. It was mainly him who was upset because he did feel that I was badmouthing his mother, and I tried to tell him that I wasn't. I told him that I thought that was a bit much and that his parents really need to let him grow up! SO, he told me that his street is a shortcut for his parents to drive through when there's traffic on the main highly that heads to the freeway (how convenient...). So, he said that she wasn't driving by his house JUST to spy! He also said that his mom just commented that she thinks we should do the right thing and get married. He tried to say that doesn't mean that they don't like me or don't want me to be married. I should be honored that they want us to get married... He said that I was over-reacting and that she has to take that route. So, I told him that from now on, please do not tell me your parents' opinions about OUR relationship. Was that harsh???

No, it wasn't harsh at all. I think when you do get married that his mom is still going to be in your business.......be prepared...I've been down this route before. Good luck!

 

[lexi08]

All I can say is run for the hills This most likely will always be a problem even when you get married