CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
i feel like tbh nothing in particular just that im tired of seeing people ask the same same same same same same same same same same same same same questions over and over in the ODT that there should just be one place for them to get those answers and stop ****** up the rotation.
Q: What sites do you use?
A: POF for black guys. OkCupid for white guys. Match for old guys. Tinder for no strings attached banging. eHarmony for Christians. Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge, Zoosk, Badoo, and every other random site for folks who have tried EVERYTHING and still haven't found anything but still haven't figured out they're the problem not where they're looking.
Q: Do you give out your phone number/talk on the phone?
A. 1.) Nobody likes talking on the phone 2.) You can give a google voice number but why - if somebody calls you they'll know it's a GV, and if they text you how is that any different from them texting your phone number 3.) Most phones come with blocking built in nowadays, you give a guy your number and you don't like him, block the damn number and move on.
Q: Do you respond to "hey how's it going?" messages?
A: This is kind of an annoying question, that I don't feel like should even need responding, but since it does, it must be important to spell it out - you have to use your own judgment whether or not a three word message is worth responding to. If a guy has a robust profile with many varied photos but does not send a tailored, long message, you might want to go ahead and talk to him because online dating is awkward and formulating a bunch of messages is stupid. If a guy says "what's up" and his profile is nothing but a bunch of mirror selfies and he says he's "living his life to the fullest" and "loves to go out on the weekend but is just as cool hanging inside watching tv" then you probably don't want to extend any effort thinking you're going to uncover a diamond in the rough there.
a follow up - Q: I responded to his "hey how's it going" message, but the conversation sucks.
A: If you're going to respond to a dead end message, then you also need to take the responsibility to help jumpstart the conversation. If he says "hey how's it going," don't say "fine." Continue to build the conversation. If he asks a question, don't just answer the damn question. Answer the freaking question, add a humorous anecdote if you are capable, and ask another question. It is not all the man's responsibility to force a bond or spark an interest out of nothing, your bland ass has to contribute too, and if the only thing you are doing is responding to small talk, you are just as bad as he is. You can't have a conversation either. So if you're going to go the casual route, you need to be capable of being interesting enough that the conversation has any legs and room to grow, otherwise it is not his fault that you guys have nothing to talk about.
Q: How soon do you meet after talking online?
A: It is a very very rare scenario that you spend an extended amount of time chatting before meeting and it works out. I dated a guy for a good year in a "real "serious" relationship, and we chatted a couple of months before we ever met IRL. But, 1.) it was because I deleted my profile, wasn't in a space to meet, and offered him to email me which was where we talked after that and 2.) there were extenuating circumstances that delayed the meet. If you are an able bodied human that is ready to meet and he is a nearby able bodied human that is capable of meeting, delaying that meeting for no justifiable reason is a sign that he is wasting your time. With online dating it is better to meet sooner than later, and a guy who thinks he has found a prize will want to snatch it up before the hordes of other messages he knows you're receiving daily has the chance. If a guy doesn't think that about you, you're all the way out on the wrong side, twice. Talk yourself around it if you want to, tell yourself his ******** delaying tactics are reasonable, whether you're in denial about it or not, that's where you are.
Q: What do you do for a first date?
A: Don't even pretend like considering going to his home on a first date. End communication with anyone who offers that, or don't if that's how you live. Coffee first meets do not NECESSARILY mean a guy is cheap or poor; use your judgment. Movie dates are generally frowned upon because there is no opportunity to get to know the person. Where possible, drive your own car or meet there for a first date.
Q: I can't even get to the first date; we chat for awhile and he never asks me out/he asks me to a thing, but the day of I never hear from him. What's up with that?
A: Flaking before the first meet is common, but with time this will happen less and less as you are more able to identify men who are just dicking around on the internet for attention and have no intentions on meeting anyone, at all. Here are a couple different options for each scenario:
IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING ASKED OUT VIA MESSAGES: It is ok to end the conversation with an invitation to meet. You've been chatting for a few days and it's going nowhere. When the conversation is reaching a natural conclusion, please do not further waste your own time, go ahead and say something like "It seems like we have a lot in common, if you want to get together someday and discuss [xyz] you should text me [@ this phone number]. A guy who is interested in meeting you will follow up, a guy who is full of **** most likely will not. AND YOU DONT HAVE TO CONTINUE MESSAGING WITH HIM FROM THAT POINT ONWARD.
IF YOU SCHEDULE THE DATE BUT HE ALWAYS ENDS UP CANCELING: You should get a confirmation text the day before, or the morning of at the absolute latest. Do not "maybe" any other scenarios. This is the standard protocol, and if you do not receive it, you are not being treated properly. If you do not hear from that guy several (around 4) hours in advance of the scheduled meeting time consider the "date" canceled and do not follow up. He has already shown gross inconsideration to your time, and exposed his inability to keep his word, and by following up you are only demonstrating that you are open to having your time (and needs) disrespected and exchanged at the expense of his own.
IF YOU ARE CHATTING WITH A GUY AND HE STOPS RESPONDING, not that the conversation has died, not that it's taking forever for him to ask you out: You boring as **** and need to work on your conversation skills, b.
Q: I don't get messages from the type of guys I'm interested in. How do?
A: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but nine times out of ten you are going to be shown what league you're actually in, not the one you think you're in. If you're only getting messages from fat losers with no jobs and 3 kids who live in mom's basement, it's because they think they have a chance with you. Guys who think they have no chance with you will not message you as frequently, to paint a general picture of your dating pool. Of course there will be outliers as ugly dudes love to try it, but if your GENERAL option pool is not full of the kinds of men you desire, I am sorry to tell you hun, but you are part of the problem. You might want to work on that.
Q: How do I get messages from guys I want?
A: People are going to message people that they think are similar to them. A guy viewing your profile is motivated to message you if he thinks who you are and the lifestyle you live fits into and works with who he is and the lifestyle he is. If he is an athletic outdoorsy political person, he is not going to message a homebody, inactive unopinated person. If he is a liberal atheist, he will not message a conservative Christian. etc, and so on. Only you know who and what you are. If you do not, you need to figure out what that is, because it is going to determine who is interested in you.
Q: How do I, a black woman, show that I am open to dating "others"?
A: This one comes up a lot, and even though on many levels its valid, it embarrasses us all because cmon sis. We know it's a question to ask but we all hate to see it. Well, I am going to put myself in the line of fire and answer it.
DO. NOT. MENTION. RACE. EXPLICITLY. It's corny. It's lame. It's desperate. It's thirsty. It's exposing you as someone who does not know how to attract what she wants. Look, I'ma tell you flat out, if you are someone who would be attractive to a larger dating pool outside of black men, you do not need to say anything in particular to convey that. I repeat; I emphasize you do NOT need to say that explicitly. It is UNNECESSARY to say that explicitly.Who you are and what you are looking for and the life you are leading will convey that all on its own. If you do not understand what this means, or your profiles do not "convey this on its own," you are perhaps not the best candidate for dating in a diverse pool, and should probably address that first. I'm sorry. There isn't any other way to "hint" about that or "subtly" convey it. You're asking the question because it isn't happening and the fact that you don't know why is why it isn't happening.
Q: How can I be safe meeting strange men from the internet?
A: Always meet in a public place. Do not drink excessively, unless you can take him or are prepared to knife a mfer. Try your best not to go back to a guy's place on a first date. Although frankly, I think it is unlikely to be assaulted internet dating (in 5+ years it has yet to happen to me, and I have put myself in some very questionable situations) then again, certain types of women are more susceptible to certain types of men, so if you are one of those women, set time limits for the date, and do not break them. I mean it - set a curfew. Decide how long the date should last, and go home at the end time. No exceptions.
Q: What sites do you use?
A: POF for black guys. OkCupid for white guys. Match for old guys. Tinder for no strings attached banging. eHarmony for Christians. Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge, Zoosk, Badoo, and every other random site for folks who have tried EVERYTHING and still haven't found anything but still haven't figured out they're the problem not where they're looking.
Q: Do you give out your phone number/talk on the phone?
A. 1.) Nobody likes talking on the phone 2.) You can give a google voice number but why - if somebody calls you they'll know it's a GV, and if they text you how is that any different from them texting your phone number 3.) Most phones come with blocking built in nowadays, you give a guy your number and you don't like him, block the damn number and move on.
Q: Do you respond to "hey how's it going?" messages?
A: This is kind of an annoying question, that I don't feel like should even need responding, but since it does, it must be important to spell it out - you have to use your own judgment whether or not a three word message is worth responding to. If a guy has a robust profile with many varied photos but does not send a tailored, long message, you might want to go ahead and talk to him because online dating is awkward and formulating a bunch of messages is stupid. If a guy says "what's up" and his profile is nothing but a bunch of mirror selfies and he says he's "living his life to the fullest" and "loves to go out on the weekend but is just as cool hanging inside watching tv" then you probably don't want to extend any effort thinking you're going to uncover a diamond in the rough there.
a follow up - Q: I responded to his "hey how's it going" message, but the conversation sucks.
A: If you're going to respond to a dead end message, then you also need to take the responsibility to help jumpstart the conversation. If he says "hey how's it going," don't say "fine." Continue to build the conversation. If he asks a question, don't just answer the damn question. Answer the freaking question, add a humorous anecdote if you are capable, and ask another question. It is not all the man's responsibility to force a bond or spark an interest out of nothing, your bland ass has to contribute too, and if the only thing you are doing is responding to small talk, you are just as bad as he is. You can't have a conversation either. So if you're going to go the casual route, you need to be capable of being interesting enough that the conversation has any legs and room to grow, otherwise it is not his fault that you guys have nothing to talk about.
Q: How soon do you meet after talking online?
A: It is a very very rare scenario that you spend an extended amount of time chatting before meeting and it works out. I dated a guy for a good year in a "real "serious" relationship, and we chatted a couple of months before we ever met IRL. But, 1.) it was because I deleted my profile, wasn't in a space to meet, and offered him to email me which was where we talked after that and 2.) there were extenuating circumstances that delayed the meet. If you are an able bodied human that is ready to meet and he is a nearby able bodied human that is capable of meeting, delaying that meeting for no justifiable reason is a sign that he is wasting your time. With online dating it is better to meet sooner than later, and a guy who thinks he has found a prize will want to snatch it up before the hordes of other messages he knows you're receiving daily has the chance. If a guy doesn't think that about you, you're all the way out on the wrong side, twice. Talk yourself around it if you want to, tell yourself his ******** delaying tactics are reasonable, whether you're in denial about it or not, that's where you are.
Q: What do you do for a first date?
A: Don't even pretend like considering going to his home on a first date. End communication with anyone who offers that, or don't if that's how you live. Coffee first meets do not NECESSARILY mean a guy is cheap or poor; use your judgment. Movie dates are generally frowned upon because there is no opportunity to get to know the person. Where possible, drive your own car or meet there for a first date.
Q: I can't even get to the first date; we chat for awhile and he never asks me out/he asks me to a thing, but the day of I never hear from him. What's up with that?
A: Flaking before the first meet is common, but with time this will happen less and less as you are more able to identify men who are just dicking around on the internet for attention and have no intentions on meeting anyone, at all. Here are a couple different options for each scenario:
IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING ASKED OUT VIA MESSAGES: It is ok to end the conversation with an invitation to meet. You've been chatting for a few days and it's going nowhere. When the conversation is reaching a natural conclusion, please do not further waste your own time, go ahead and say something like "It seems like we have a lot in common, if you want to get together someday and discuss [xyz] you should text me [@ this phone number]. A guy who is interested in meeting you will follow up, a guy who is full of **** most likely will not. AND YOU DONT HAVE TO CONTINUE MESSAGING WITH HIM FROM THAT POINT ONWARD.
IF YOU SCHEDULE THE DATE BUT HE ALWAYS ENDS UP CANCELING: You should get a confirmation text the day before, or the morning of at the absolute latest. Do not "maybe" any other scenarios. This is the standard protocol, and if you do not receive it, you are not being treated properly. If you do not hear from that guy several (around 4) hours in advance of the scheduled meeting time consider the "date" canceled and do not follow up. He has already shown gross inconsideration to your time, and exposed his inability to keep his word, and by following up you are only demonstrating that you are open to having your time (and needs) disrespected and exchanged at the expense of his own.
IF YOU ARE CHATTING WITH A GUY AND HE STOPS RESPONDING, not that the conversation has died, not that it's taking forever for him to ask you out: You boring as **** and need to work on your conversation skills, b.
Q: I don't get messages from the type of guys I'm interested in. How do?
A: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but nine times out of ten you are going to be shown what league you're actually in, not the one you think you're in. If you're only getting messages from fat losers with no jobs and 3 kids who live in mom's basement, it's because they think they have a chance with you. Guys who think they have no chance with you will not message you as frequently, to paint a general picture of your dating pool. Of course there will be outliers as ugly dudes love to try it, but if your GENERAL option pool is not full of the kinds of men you desire, I am sorry to tell you hun, but you are part of the problem. You might want to work on that.
Q: How do I get messages from guys I want?
A: People are going to message people that they think are similar to them. A guy viewing your profile is motivated to message you if he thinks who you are and the lifestyle you live fits into and works with who he is and the lifestyle he is. If he is an athletic outdoorsy political person, he is not going to message a homebody, inactive unopinated person. If he is a liberal atheist, he will not message a conservative Christian. etc, and so on. Only you know who and what you are. If you do not, you need to figure out what that is, because it is going to determine who is interested in you.
Q: How do I, a black woman, show that I am open to dating "others"?
A: This one comes up a lot, and even though on many levels its valid, it embarrasses us all because cmon sis. We know it's a question to ask but we all hate to see it. Well, I am going to put myself in the line of fire and answer it.
DO. NOT. MENTION. RACE. EXPLICITLY. It's corny. It's lame. It's desperate. It's thirsty. It's exposing you as someone who does not know how to attract what she wants. Look, I'ma tell you flat out, if you are someone who would be attractive to a larger dating pool outside of black men, you do not need to say anything in particular to convey that. I repeat; I emphasize you do NOT need to say that explicitly. It is UNNECESSARY to say that explicitly.Who you are and what you are looking for and the life you are leading will convey that all on its own. If you do not understand what this means, or your profiles do not "convey this on its own," you are perhaps not the best candidate for dating in a diverse pool, and should probably address that first. I'm sorry. There isn't any other way to "hint" about that or "subtly" convey it. You're asking the question because it isn't happening and the fact that you don't know why is why it isn't happening.
Q: How can I be safe meeting strange men from the internet?
A: Always meet in a public place. Do not drink excessively, unless you can take him or are prepared to knife a mfer. Try your best not to go back to a guy's place on a first date. Although frankly, I think it is unlikely to be assaulted internet dating (in 5+ years it has yet to happen to me, and I have put myself in some very questionable situations) then again, certain types of women are more susceptible to certain types of men, so if you are one of those women, set time limits for the date, and do not break them. I mean it - set a curfew. Decide how long the date should last, and go home at the end time. No exceptions.
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why wouldnt you? I normally wait until he actually asks me out though. OR IF I like him a lot and he signs his messages Eith his name ill do that too.
but youre trying to catch a man aint you? aint nobody got time for that. instead of choosing photos where you look "cute" or "approachable" or "visible" or whatever, choose photos that arent as easy to read. post pictures that are "cool" and "interesting" not bare bones "this is it." note that this IS NOT permission to actually try hard 
