Of course i'd have an issue with MIL on XMAS!!!

[longhairlover]

lol! at your last paragraph. i was thinking that him going alone gives her the chance to try to get to his head. i just soooooo dont want to be around her, the last incident on his bday was the last, she embarrassed me in front of my best friend and confronted me like she had beef.

she's the one that changed the time and then was mad when the place was really crowded, she took my idea to throw him a after bday get together into her own,

she approached me like hi (with ghetto voice) and i gave her the same hi back, i introduced her to my friend and she gave her the same nasty hi! so when she came up to me she's like " i'mma fight you with this place!" and i turned my back after the nasty hi and comment.

she told my hubby that i turned my face to her, ummm i'm not gonna plant my lips on her face, with chapstick on my lips and ish, goodness. she omitted the hi and the comment.

what a character.

From reading most of this, let me say that I can sooo relate to a lot of what you are going through. Like a pp said, tell your closest married friends, not your mom about him, or not at all. When we paint a bad image in people's minds, they tend to still see that image long after you've made up and forgiven. They don't see the make-up, they see the mistake. Might I suggest counseling that would include his mother? This may help open her eyes to what she is doing.

My DH is stressed because of family issues that involve me. I've told him for the longest about his family and their treatment toward me. I got tired. Just like we on LHCF tell people that don't believe we can grow hair to 'let the hair speak for you', let her actions 'speak for you'. He'll eventually see what her attitude and antics are doing to your marriage. Men don't see the snide remarks that we do. Kill her with kindness, but be watchful as it all unfolds. Don't let your DH go to her house alone, go with him. If something is said about you, she'll have to say it in your presence. This will give you a chance to stand up for yourself. Show her that your backbone is stronger than hers. If your religion is Christian, pray and read the Word. Around THIS house, I quote all kinds of marital scriptures. Any person that fears God will have to heed to it.

As another poster said, don't involve her in what you have planned. I learned this the hard way. MY MIL stole my wedding colors, menu, and reception layout when she got married 4 months prior to us. She didn't even offer up an address to help with our invites/guest list, nor did she stay to help clean up the reception (as I did hers). Don't focus so much on the gift. These are hard times. At least you didn't get a postdated check for $100 that doesn't even have YOUR name on it, but was meant as a gift for the BOTH of you. I'll add you and your situation to my prayers.

 

[DarkHair]

lol! at your last paragraph. i was thinking that him going alone gives her the chance to try to get to his head. i just soooooo dont want to be around her, the last incident on his bday was the last, she embarrassed me in front of my best friend and confronted me like she had beef.

she's the one that changed the time and then was mad when the place was really crowded, she took my idea to throw him a after bday get together into her own,

she approached me like hi (with ghetto voice) and i gave her the same hi back, i introduced her to my friend and she gave her the same nasty hi! so when she came up to me she's like " i'mma fight you with this place!" and i turned my back after the nasty hi and comment.

she told my hubby that i turned my face to her, ummm i'm not gonna plant my lips on her face, with chapstick on my lips and ish, goodness. she omitted the hi and the comment.

what a character.

Does he ever believe you when you mention these things? I was THISCLOSE to purchasing a voice-activated tape recorder for Labor Day. DH never believed that folk (his fam) were saying off the wall things to me. They don't say it when he's around, they say it when he's outside of earshot.

 

[kayte]

because he didn't answer the phone Fri. normally he doesn't answer her calls but i got on him about that because i feel like it could be an emergency one day.

But maybe this is not bad instinct on his part..
here..he's trying to separate from her
you can help support that and still respect keeping open to her

you have a phone machine..or voicemail..if not...
that cld be a place to start setting boundaries and screening....

prayers are always advised...even when it goes well... it will... keep faith!
& do see about extra support ..ie:..counseling...etc

 

[longhairlover]

aww thank you so much! i really wanted to do a nice ceremony, in the beginning of the plans she offered to help out financially but of course she backed out causing us not to have as much money options, sure she did that on purpose, then when we went to city hall we told her last minute, and she was like oh why'd ya'll do this last minute? you could've invited other people...wtf!!! this is not for her! if we would not have done it last minute she would've kept hindering it.

I will definitely try to do something nice for us for our 2nd yr coming up. We deserve it, with the sucky job market and stuff we deserve a nice day and vacation.

And this is when you and your dh gave up your power. So what if she didn't like your ideas? It wasn't her wedding. If you and dh sort through things and make up I think you two should plan a small ceremony on your 2 year anniversary. Serve soul food. Where a pretty white dress. You deserve a do-over. I am really rooting for you two.

 

[longhairlover]

thank you , the counseling is something we are definitely going to do, since we got together there has always been something trying to break us apart, and i don't want to let anyone succeed at doing that,

guess i should've have let him ignore her calls instead of trying to be helpful, should've mined my business.

i really don't want things to be like this, i mean both of our parents are getting older and I want us to have the family thing. maybe one day she will change. i won't hold my breath though.

I will just have to make sure i get on my prayer I need that anyway, my husband didn't grow up with an spirituality so it's a project getting him to want to know God.

But maybe this is not bad instinct on his part..he's trying to separate..you can help
support that and respect keeping open to whatever
...you have a phone machine..or voicemail..if not...that cld be a place to start
setting boundaries and screening....

prayers are always advised...even when it goes well... it will... keep faith!
& do see about extra support ..ie:..counseling...etc

 

[longhairlover]

lol! at tape recorder, I wish i had one at his bday get together. i'm sure he thinks i'm dramatic, and like you said b4 when she makes her comments he ignores it, he's good at doing that avoidance.

when she made the comment that i don't say hi, he said "she says hi" i'm like y r u saying that? you don't have to lie, to me it wasn't even that serious, just something else for her to say.

Does he ever believe you when you mention these things? I was THISCLOSE to purchasing a voice-activated tape recorder for Labor Day. DH never believed that folk (his fam) were saying off the wall things to me. They don't say it when he's around, they say it when he's outside of earshot.

 

[Nenah]

How old is this women? Is she retired? She sure has a lot of time devoted to making you miserable.erplexed Does she live close by? I know it must be tough with this going on and you guys are newly married. I really agree with another poster who say's to call her on what she say's to you. Make her repeat it, act like you don't understand so she can explain it.


Or you could kill her with kindness. You're husband will see nothing but that from you and see just how stank his mother really is. I'm really pulling for you guy's. I'm a mother and I don't think I would ever interfer with my daughter's choice in men/husband. Unless he was abusive or disrespectful. I just would have to respect her choice.

 

[SilentRuby]

I wouldn't say anything to him. Just keep ignoring her and keeping your cool and eventually he will see it for himself

Exactly! Even though she's a manipulating, conniving b#tch, as long as you say something even in your sweetest voice, he'll never believe you. He'll notice it on his own or like a pp said, he'll live in denial because that's his mother.

He must know that his mom no longer comes 1st right? This must be really tough op. Something has got to give...

This part had me thrown off.

 

[dlewis]

So I am now at my mother's house because me and my husband got into it.

His mother's husband left her and every since she has been a thorn in my side. She was no existent when we first met and only called once every month if even that. She was not a good mother to him and always pushed him onto someone else.

but ever since she ended up alone she has been calling non stop making up things for him to do to get him out of the house and away from me. On his bday this year i threw him something but she intervened and changed the time and invited people i did not want there, we were going to have a real wedding but i cancelled it and we just went to city hall because each of my plans she intervened and criticized, every thing from the food to where i booked our wedding she had an issue

on his bday this year after she destroyed the whole dinner plans i made, she then embarrassed me in front of my friend by being nasty to the both of us like we did something to her.

so today is xmas and i was going to cook go visit my mom and make my hubby dinner too. earlier in the day he went over to his mother's house, she gave him a gift only, now she has constantly been trying to start ish with me the whole winter for no reason.

i tell him are we splitting the money? and he's like "no" it's my gift! and im like that is rude of her because it's xmas and i'm your wife! do i not exist!

so then it turns into an arguement and he's like why would she get you a gift when you two have issues. WHAT ISSUES!???? I have tried to have a relationship with her but she has constantly stabbed me in the back!

my mother has treated him like a son even b4 we were married, she has bought both of us gifts and loved us equally as a couple. I have never gotten a gift from his mother during our engagement, maybe 2 x as we were married and even then she gave him 100 and me 50, my mom has never done this and it p@##$#$ me off that his moms purposely treats me like crap because she's trying to break us up. she's miserable so she wants him to join her in wedded nightmare

so now i have not cooked anything i'm hungry i'm at my moms house, she doesn't buy a lot of food and i'm soooo mad i feel like setting his moms house on fire!!!!!

what should i do? he's taking her side and she's clearly in the wrong.

WOW that's alot.

I feel bad for you but his mother doesn't have to buy you anything. Most parents don't love their inlaws the same as their children. You can only live your life. Why care what she thinks when you know you will never satisfy her anyway. She seems like a hateful, bitter and evil old bat.

You should talk with your husband and he should give you some of the money, but he doesn't have to seem it was his gift. Hopefully you can get over this, move on and stop caring what her nasty butt thinks.

 

[deltagyrl]

I don't envy you OP. It is much easier said than done to "let it go."
I do agree with the other posters who suggest a heart to heart w/ dh.
Have you considered marital counseling? I wouldn't rule it out.
Lesser things have destroyed a marriage and if dh doesn't start putting your needs before his mom's he may destroy yours...

I don't think that talking w/ your mil would serve any purpose at this point since you and dh aren't on the same page. He should be putting dear old mil in check, not you.

*sigh*

GL to you!

 

[bluwatersoul]

I can so relate. My in-laws are miserable cave dwellers.

Focus on what is important, which should be your relationship with DH. really try to talk with him w/o dogging out his moms, but be honest about how you feel as his wife. PP's are correct in saying that he should be addressing her, not you...and also, even though that is his moms, you should come first.

Don't focus on her, you can't change her but you can change you and teh way you react. Good luck - I know from experience this stuff is trying of even the most Christian spirit!

 

[Princess4real]

WOW that's alot.

I feel bad for you but his mother doesn't have to buy you anything. Most parents don't love their inlaws the same as their children. You can only live your life. Why care what she thinks when you know you will never satisfy her anyway. She seems like a hateful, bitter and evil old bat.

You should talk with your husband and he should give you some of the money, but he doesn't have to seem it was his gift. Hopefully you can get over this, move on and stop caring what her nasty butt thinks.

I agree with the words in red.

 

[drasgrl]

When did all this start? Was she this nasty to you before you got married? Why is dh running to tell you what his mother says about you knowing you two don't get along? I'd tell him I don't want to hear it. Whatever she says to him about you tell him to keep it to himself.

 

[firecracker]

You are in the best position to me, you know the enemy(for the lack of a better word). She knows how to tweek you and become the victim. DO NOT take the bait.

You shouldve expected this. She needs attention and will do what it takes to get it. She's hurt and displacing her anger and frustrations. The best thing at this juncture is to LET IT GO. Now, you all hungry And pissed. Girl, make up with your husband, and cook that man his dinner then pray for his mother.

I agree but I'll be damned if I wouldn't get some of dat money outta his butt! Screw that crazed woman and stop worrying about her silly behind. If your that mad when she calls slam the phone down in her face!

 

[firecracker]

I forgot to add if he doesn't give you some of that lil cheedar he needs to get cooch and meals from his momma too. Pay the lady!

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

longhairlover, I am praying for you and hubby! You sound like a real sweetheart. I think with prayer, you and your hubby will slowly find the right path to take. One thing that i forgot to mention is that I dont think it's a good idea to try ot encourage him to answer her calls. If he doesn't feel like talking at that particular time, then he shouldn't have to answer... shoot i do it all the time cause its my house and its my phone.
And maybe he doesn't understand that just because u guys don't have formal plans doesnt mean that you guys aren't spending important alone time together. Try making a standing date every saturday afternoon, or every other saturday evening, that you guys will just spend quality time lounging in the house without outside calls. Maybe this will give you a little comfort so he's not dashing for the phone and trying to complete all of his momma's chores. I dont mean to be rude but momma need to hire a handyman and a best friend.
I still dont think it has anything personally to do with you. I think it's about a lonely rude woman who wants her son around all the time to keep her company, and a son who doesn't have the wisdom to understand she is overstepping her boundary. Whether son is married or not, momma would still be trying to take all his attention. I hope you find the right way to get DH to stop this cycle.