Of course i'd have an issue with MIL on XMAS!!!

[CurleeDST]

This is crazy

I definitely do not recommend this. It is immature, dangerous and grounds for a restraining order. It would give the mil just that more ammunition if she is campaigning against you.

You need to just flip on her. My two scents. It works in my family.

Go into Dr. Hyde mode and just tell her how u really feel.

Just go over to her house and spazz out. She'll think you're crazy and lay off for a while thinking you might kill her or something.

Heck, pick up a knife and wave it around as you are telling her about yourself for more emphasis.

 

[longhairlover]

you are funny, i'm trying not to go nuts because it's his mom so i have respect because of that.......and my friend says stay away from her because it's gonna turn into an arguement.

me and my mom are like that with each other and it works lol!!!! ...without the knife, we are the best of friends.

You need to just flip on her. My two scents. It works in my family.

Go into Dr. Hyde mode and just tell her how u really feel.

Just go over to her house and spazz out. She'll think you're crazy and lay off for a while thinking you might kill her or something.

Heck, pick up a knife and wave it around as you are telling her about yourself for more emphasis.

 

[longhairlover]

Re: This is crazy

yeah after i'm admitted, and for job purposes i'm trying to stay out of jail, i wouldn't even let her get me to this point and i'm sure she'd love it like you said ammunition

I definitely do not recommend this. It is immature, dangerous and grounds for a restraining order. It would give the mil just that more ammunition if she is campaigning against you.

 

[longhairlover]

yeah it was solidified i thought earlier in the week but of course drama, he told her i was still cooking and i was it was still early. but that wasn't good enough, that made him feel bad and try to make alternate plans but there were none, my mom doesn't want to be around her because no one on my side of the fam likes her either now, so no we couldn't bring her over to my mom's house.

but she kept calling wanting to do a 360 and come over to our place but that's not what we were doing, the plans were her house i bring the food over she was ok with it during the week and then come the day of and now it was an issue. with all the back and forth it made us just not want to do anything.

it's like she flipped it on him with guilt for not seeing him on thanksgiving but shes' the one who last minute didn't want us in her house for no reason.

she's done this several times as well so almost every holiday has been ruined or started really late because of her, and it's because my hubby wants to include her and I was cool with that until each holiday started to be ruined and unpleasant. sigh.

yeah i know poor me, i'll talk to him once more about this other than that i'll just spend the holidays with my moms'.

 

[drasgrl]

Do you know of anyone you can fix her up with? Maybe if she finds a new man that will get her out of your hair. Heck pay someone to seduce her if you have to. I say kill her with kindness and ignore her crazy self. Every time you see her just picture her as a crazy lady with her drawers down to her ankles or something. Just whatever you can do to keep from going off on her.

Let your husband go and do whatever with his mother and try not to let it upset you because at the end of the day he's coming home to you.

 

[hopeful]

Slow down and breathe. As I read your posts you are spending a lot of energy on what she said and what she did. You are going to have to pull back and get a fresh perspective. Bottom-line it is not about her, it is not about her, you have to keep repeating this. It is about the two of you becoming one and protecting your marriage and your life together. Marriage can be very hard but if you really love him and he really loves you and you want to stay married, do not start talking about being single (it is not that fun either (no offense to anyone)), do not hope he goes to hell, do not become overly close to your mom and talk about him and his mom. Focus your energy on having a happy and strong marriage. I pray that both of you will be able to work through this issue. Ask God for help.

 

[longhairlover]

I was thinking of match.com for her lol!!!! i think that's her issue she need a good one lol!!!!

I do think she would go back into her cocoon once she finds a new dude but times when i was talking to her I tried to steer her towards dating, i think in her mind she thinks the husband is gonna leave his other family and come back home.

lol! at crazy lady comment.

Do you know of anyone you can fix her up with? Maybe if she finds a new man that will get her out of your hair. Heck pay someone to seduce her if you have to. I say kill her with kindness and ignore her crazy self. Every time you see her just picture her as a crazy lady with her drawers down to her ankles or something. Just whatever you can do to keep from going off on her.

Let your husband go and do whatever with his mother and try not to let it upset you because at the end of the day he's coming home to you.

 

[longhairlover]

your right, i guess everytime she does something to me it gives me flash backs, and i p**sed all over again about the past situations. it just won't stop with her, i'm back home now but i'll try to let it go, it's just fresh on my mind and I have to vent it out instead of going on a kidnapping spree lol!!!!

I really appreciate all the kind words and wonderful advice, i will work on ignoring but everytime i do she says something....

gonna have to really start praying hard.

Slow down and breathe. As I read your posts you are spending a lot of energy on what she said and what she did. You are going to have to pull back and get a fresh perspective. Bottom-line it is not about her, it is not about her, you have to keep repeating this. It is about the two of you becoming one and protecting your marriage and your life together. Marriage can be very hard but if you really love him and her really loves you and you want to stay married, do not start talking about being single (it is not that fun either (no offense to anyone)), do not hope he goes to hell, do not become overly close to your mom and talk about him and his mom. Focus your energy on having a happy and strong marriage. I pray that both of you will be able to work through this issue. Ask God for help.

 

[longhairlover]

I really wanted him to be close with his mom because of all the lost time, but she has to be a problem in the process and get into his head. I tried to do the right thing but of course it bit me in the butt.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I really wanted him to be close with his mom because of all the lost time, but she has to be a problem in the process and get into his head. I tried to do the right thing but of course it bit me in the butt.

YeahI just think hes finally getting the attention that he always wanted from her but he cant discern the positive from the negative unfortunately. But to some people as long as they are getting the attention they dont care in what shape or form it is.erplexed

 

[longhairlover]

BillsBackerz67, you are so right, he's getting worse with it. when he was talking about the money she gave him it was like he turned 5. like "my mom gave me money" wah wah wah, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, we fuss but were best friends, i think at times he has become jealous of it, and is trying to replicate my relationship with my mom for his relationship with his moms, but she just has other intentions,

whenever she calls it's to use him for something annoying....

believe me i want him to be close with her but i'm gonna tell him to tell her to keep my name out of her mouth, because I don't bother with her, i have enough stress with career and going back to school, i don't need catty stuff from someone else's parent.

 

[illustrioussplendor]

I wouldn't say anything to him. Just keep ignoring her and keeping your cool and eventually he will see it for himself

I don't think he will see for himself. That's his mother and in his eyes no matter what happens she is not going to be in the wrong. I know from personal experience some people will not be ignored. She is determined to find company for her misery.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

I would go about limiting how much power she has over me. I would limit my interaction with her, limit her involvement and knowledge of various things I were planning, and not allow myself to be goaded. Do not involve her in certain decisions. She can't mess up something she is not involved in.

Maybe speak with your DH about marital loyalty. When it comes to a marriage sometimes other things may have to suffer (be pushed aside) and that includes a parent who is bent on destroying the marriage. Perhaps you can talk to him about creating boundaries and stress the importance of nurturing your own marriage/relationship.
I would try to have a calm sit down conversation with well chosen words. It sounds like he's re-imagined her and their relationship now that she's showing him more attention. Which IMO is not uncommon for men who have had neglectful mothers. So you have to consider that he has a stake in protecting his mother.

Another option would be to attempt to mend things with her. Even if she's a mean and combative person it may be possible that a little validation could appease her.

 

[loved]

It doesn't sound like his mom was your BFF before Christmas and the same way you perceived things about your relationship with her, she may have perceived things about her relationship with you so could explain your husband's statement about your issues.

Is his MIL chose to never give you a gift, how would you allow that to impact your marriage. It sounds like you may want to have a talk with DH, but you can't expect MIL to change & it's unlikely that he will cut her off or take kindly to negative talk about her. You are both women though, so you don't have to accept disrespect from her or her changing your plans.

 

[longhairlover]

I have tried after several incidents to make amends with her, but then she stabs me in the back again. So instead of being on and off cordial i'm just staying away.

the first incident was her insulting my wedding plans, afterall she said she wanted to help but then she insulted me serving soul food at a black wedding! she insulted my venue of choice etc. so we cancelled the whole wedding thing all together and went to city hall.

then a few thanksgivings ago she did the wish washy thing again with him saying she was going to a family members house and he should go (mind you she doesn't even go around her family) he was with me (we were engaged and staying at my moms) after all the dang back and forth by 5pm when he finally said ok after her persuasion and guilt trips she said she wasn't going but he should still go wtf!

then last weekend she asked him if he wanted to go with her to Florida....um i'm not here? and the week b4 asked him out of nowhere in their convo why don't i say hi? why would i they talking he doesn't say hi to my moms when were on the phone and she's not starting wwII over it.



even after that and other stuff i've forgiven her because it's his mom, but i just can't deal with her anymore.

I would limit my interaction with her, limit her involvement and knowledge of various things I were planning (yup i've learned this the hard way, no more she will either get an invite or nothing at all), and not allow myself to be goaded. Do not involve her in certain decisions. She can't mess up something she is not involved in.

Maybe speak with your DH about marital loyalty (i have but he's mr. nice guy and doesn't want to hurt her feelings while he's hurting mine). When it comes to a marriage sometimes other things may have to suffer (be pushed aside) and that includes a parent who is bent on destroying the marriage. Perhaps you can talk to him about creating boundaries and stress the importance of nurturing your own marriage/relationship.
I would try to have a calm sit down conversation with well chosen words. It sounds like he's re-imagined her and their relationship now that she's showing him more attention. Which IMO is not uncommon for men who have had neglectful mothers. So you have to consider that he has a stake in protecting his mother.

Another option would be to attempt to mend things with her. Even if she's a mean and combative person it may be possible that a little validation could appease her.

 

[longhairlover]

she just does things to be obviously evil. she has told him lies about why she "doesnt' speak to me" b.s. she claims she was only trying to help. so i guess the insults were helping me on my wedding catering choice and changing my get together time.

she complains that we don't have a relationship but she constantly shows me that she really doesn't want one with me. I have tried but the insults she's given to me and sly remarks make me very very distant. she has never been a good mil. my mom though has been a very very good mil to him and she feels like she's gonna start pulling back because he's like giving us the finger since his mom decided to make up for lost time ever since we got engaged.

she has maybe given me a gift twice but even then she gave me 50 him 100, i mean i know he's her son but she should've just combined the damn money as one gift for us as a couple.

It doesn't sound like his mom was your BFF before Christmas and the same way you perceived things about your relationship with her, she may have perceived things about her relationship with you so could explain your husband's statement about your issues.

Is his MIL chose to never give you a gift, how would you allow that to impact your marriage. It sounds like you may want to have a talk with DH, but you can't expect MIL to change & it's unlikely that he will cut her off or take kindly to negative talk about her. You are both women though, so you don't have to accept disrespect from her or her changing your plans.

 

[Nenah]

I have learned one thing in life you can't change people. They are who they are. If she doesn't like you she won't change it and nothing you can do will change it. She has to want to change herself. Your'e doing nothing but allowing her to rack stress and bringing you down (emotionally). As for your husband.....sit down after the holiday's are over when you have regained your self composure and without throwing MIL insults or rants explain to him how you really feel. I agree with the ladies, that he may be looking for exceptance anyway he can get it from her. Above all else demand your respect don't let her tear your marriage apart. Just my 2cents.

 

[longhairlover]

thank you Nenah,

I mean on the other side I do feel sad for him, because I have a really good relationship with my mom and I know at times he looks a bit jealous, but she has never done anything to try to hurt me, mess up my credit ( like his mom) and just not be a good friend.

I want him to have that special bond, but it can't be forced and built on guilt like the guilt that she uses on him.

ya'll are def. right on him just looking for acceptance anyway he can get it from her. and I wouldn't even have an issue with her if she would leave me alone and out of her mouth.

He normally doesn't even answer her calls, but I tell him he should because it can be an emergency. I'm not gonna resent doing that but now i know at least what i'm dealing with.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

It sounds like you are taking her personality personal, and you really shouldn't. It sounds like she's one of those negative nellys who is always rollin her neck saying something smart and nasty, becasue thats just the way she is. but you spend too much time taking it in. Just let her be her and limit your interactions with her, keep a smile on your face and be cordial. and NEVER dis her when you are talking to Dh, because he will not hear anything u have to say. if she says something off the wall or hurts your feelings, just say kindly 'excuse me" in a real friendly, harmless tone and just ask her to explain herself like you are clueless, and say "I didnt understand what you mean" ...she will stumble over her words and realize that she sounds stupid...problem solved. If he wants a relationship with his mom, i dont see what is the issue. If she decides to call him once a week to do her a favor, what is the big deal? Is he gone all day or something? Just cause he's married to you doesn't mean that he cant take 30minutes out of his saturday to take his momma to the store. You are trying to box in their relationship to be comparable to your and your momas and it isn't. Just cause it isn't the same as yours doesnt mean that it's a bad relationship. You mentioned the fact that she only gave you 2 gifts, but yet you say it isn't a big deal. Appparently it is a big deal cause you mentioned it like 4 times already. I understand your point, any sane woman would see it's inappropriate. BUT u know this is how she is, so just let her continue doing this. Don't expect her to give you a gift, then this way you won't be disappointed or hurt. Nevermind about getting a gift. Did u give her a gift? Did you give her a gift for all the past christmas's? U act like she 'owe' you a gift, she really doesn't.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

At the end of the day, you married him for better or worse. Unfortunately, his love for his mother is becoming a wedge between you two. No matter what happens, you need to take control over certain situations.

If YOU want something for YOUR wedding, (you can always choose to renew vows, that's what I will do)... and she doesn't like it, remind her that it's your decision unless she's ready to whip out some cash on the spot and put her money where her unsolicited opinions are.

It's important to me that I get along with any family I would marry into... and that's just me, but anyone with strong hurts that are unhealed (especially with parents) is a NO-GO for me. I'm the type to be nice, but after a while, when it's madness, I will confront you to your face and let you know I want this to be out, in the air and open.

When the next holiday comes up and you make plans, keep them. Even if it's just you and your mom or you by yourself and your hubby doesn't show, then fine, you're probably going to have a better day without their presence anyway. Make it a habit to book reserved spa appointments or something.

Yea, you need to work some stuff out with your husband... but invest in learning the power of a praying wife and play it cool...

 

[kayte]

mean bad mil's come in all races but from my experience it has mainly been the AA ones

I had Jewish in laws and they made my life a living hell..
I never understood how such a sweet guy as my ex could come from such weirdness..
but whatever..
I would caution about turning this into a cultural referendum on which race can boast
the worst MIL.....cas each culture would (rightfully)be claiming grand prize..lol

Here's the thing ..your MIL sounds super manipulative controlling
all classic characteristics of a possesive meddling lonely woman,
Not being given a gift while your husband was given one
is provocative and divisive..he, I guess, feels divided in loyalty
although a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife
Clearly he needs work/help on that part


Since talking to her is not working..yet..talking to your husband is not working..yet
the situation is frustrating cas there is no change..just variations
of the same tactics....i dunno
consider some support for you? maybe someone professional to talk to
sounds like there are issues... money ...boundaries....family stuff
it's not an immediate fix...but you will be given/learn tools to cope
with the craziness..get stronger yourself in the process
Ideally your husband wld join you ..as a nuetral third party
..not a family member...maybe can help

my empathies and prayers

 

[longhairlover]

I don't feel that she owes me anything it was the principal of things and she is continuously doing things and instead of working on their relationship she is busy wondering why i didn't say hi when they are talking on the phone and changing things that i plan for him etc.

I don't mind if he goes to see her, but she does try to keep him out all weekend, it's not 30 mins, it's not a couple of times a month, in the past 4 weeks she has tried to get him for all day things for a month already, she has tried the months before also, but she's getting worse.

she called Friday night (last night) and left him a msg that she's going to a family event (something she is only doing now because of her break up) and wants him to come, so that's another all day thing, he works all day, goes to sleep early during the week and the only real time I have with him is on the weekends mainly Sat.

I don't try to compare my relationship with my moms to theirs because it's obviously different.

This is the crazy thing with the situation I don't go around her anymore because life is stressful enough and i'm not going to argue with her because i do respect that it's his mom. so there's no interaction on our part but she's still starting ish anyway.

she finds a way to cause issues or say things about me to him or through him like the why didn't i say 'hi' thing, when he's on the phone i give him is privacy.

we got married May 24th of 07' a month or so afterwards she wanted him to do construction work on her rental properties, he is not handy, she would call every weekend knowing we are newlyweds trying to ah hem enjoy being newly married. but she was still rude anyway.

she asks him to take her places almost every weekend and it's my car, he doesn't pay the note on it or the insurance, but she asks for favors like it's his car...another issue.

I don't have an issue with him having a relationship with her either i've explained that before in here, but my issue is the trouble starting like were in h.s. and the constantly trying to pull him away from me on the weekends that she does. the messing up the holidays because of her wishy washy crap, the disrespect and taking over things that i plan, disregarding that he has a wife, i mean last week she asked him to go to florida with her.....um i know i'm only 5'4 but i didn't know i was invisible.

we have given her joint gifts that she threw away (an orchid plant that was expensive, she claimed something happened to it so she threw it out) a picture that she gave back to us lol!!! at the time she said "they" didn't have any place for the pictures but their walls are naked lol!!!! (even though her husband wasn't even living there!) so now i have a picture in my house that doesn't go with my decor and color scheme. i swear we had given it to her for xmas and a few weeks later we went over there for something and I see my husband coming outside the house with the picture

it's a scroll of things, this is the first year that he went over to see her for the holidays by himself.

It sounds like you are taking her personality personal, and you really shouldn't. It sounds like she's one of those negative nellys who is always rollin her neck saying something smart and nasty, becasue thats just the way she is. but you spend too much time taking it in. Just let her be her and limit your interactions with her, keep a smile on your face and be cordial. and NEVER dis her when you are talking to Dh, because he will not hear anything u have to say. if she says something off the wall or hurts your feelings, just say kindly 'excuse me" in a real friendly, harmless tone and just ask her to explain herself like you are clueless, and say "I didnt understand what you mean" ...she will stumble over her words and realize that she sounds stupid...problem solved. If he wants a relationship with his mom, i dont see what is the issue. If she decides to call him once a week to do her a favor, what is the big deal? Is he gone all day or something? Just cause he's married to you doesn't mean that he cant take 30minutes out of his saturday to take his momma to the store. You are trying to box in their relationship to be comparable to your and your momas and it isn't. Just cause it isn't the same as yours doesnt mean that it's a bad relationship. You mentioned the fact that she only gave you 2 gifts, but yet you say it isn't a big deal. Appparently it is a big deal cause you mentioned it like 4 times already. I understand your point, any sane woman would see it's inappropriate. BUT u know this is how she is, so just let her continue doing this. Don't expect her to give you a gift, then this way you won't be disappointed or hurt. Nevermind about getting a gift. Did u give her a gift? Did you give her a gift for all the past christmas's? U act like she 'owe' you a gift, she really doesn't.

 

[longhairlover]

from my families experiences my aunts husband is white his family is not too cool with his AA wife but they still respect her, they don't start anything,

my cousins husband is Jewish, she's now Jewish and they accept her like family,

when my aunt was married to a black man his family put her through it,

I know that families from all backgrounds go through their stuff, but from the women in my family they've had the worst experiences with their own, this is from personal experiences that i've witnessed and dealt with myself. they had many reasons why they decided to date out of their race but that's a diff. thread.

I may go with the hubby to counseling, we are only at a yr and a 1/2 of being married. so maybe a professional can give us some advice on how to deal with this situation without him ruining the relationship he's trying to have with his mom.

and i'm not turning this into a cultural thing please don't misinterpret what i said. i voiced how i felt on something; from having various races of people in my family from white to cuban, asian etc. experiencing the good and bad from all aspects, so it would be impossible for me to turn something into a cultural issue because my family is like the U.N., my family is very diverse as are my parents, so i just want to make sure no one is taking a statement that i said on how I feel on something personally that i'm going through, because it is in regards to my situation.

my husband needs to talk to her, i'm not going to do it because it's his mom, i've explained this to him clearly today. he is a very nice man and hates drama, so he is trying to keep the peace on both ends but this issue needs to be addressed before it gets out of hand any worse than it already is.

she is manipulative you hit it on the nail, she uses guilt on him because right now she's alone. thing is he's a good person the guilt crap is not even necessary but I guess that's just how she is. she has done many rude things and i've ignored it, but the every week thing and calls all day on the weekend are getting a bit out of hand it's getting worse.

I had Jewish in laws and they made my life a living hell..
I never understood how such a sweet guy as my ex could come from such weirdness..
but whatever..
I would caution about turning this into a cultural referendum on which race can boast
the worst MIL.....cas each culture would (rightfully)be claiming grand prize..lol

Here's the thing ..your MIL sounds super manipulative controlling
all classic characteristics of a possesive meddling lonely woman,
Not being given a gift while your husband was given one
is provocative and divisive..he, I guess, feels divided in loyalty
although a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife
Clearly he needs work/help on that part


Since talking to her is not working..yet..talking to your husband is not working..yet
the situation is frustrating cas there is no change..just variations
of the same tactics....i dunno
consider some support for you? maybe someone professional to talk to
sounds like there are issues... money ...boundaries....family stuff
it's not an immediate fix...but you will be given/learn tools to cope
with the craziness..get stronger yourself in the process
Ideally your husband wld join you ..as a nuetral third party
..not a family member...maybe can help

my empathies and prayers

 

[longhairlover]

prayer definitely, my aunt is like confront her, but I just think that would be drama, and i'm nice, and i've been kind to her because like you said I didn't want to have any ill feelings towards my family or his with our marriage.

if we renew vows she will know when she gets the invite, i've learned my lesson on including her.....even though she always volunteers to help then insult. but i've learned never again to do that. i'm actually content with spending some holidays with my mom only like you said. because i don't want the drama,

when she was still married she wasnt involved she left us alone, so i thought she'd be a cool mil, but i guess when things for her went sour she started becoming a problem trying to start. with my wedding planning once i told her i'm going to have the food that i want at MY wedding, she blocked my emails and my phone number wtf!!! i wasn't calling her so why in the heck was that necessary. just petty child stuff,

I had a loooong talk with him today, just explaining my issue with this situation, I really love him and of course we clash sometimes but not every weekend like of recent. I don't like this at all.

she started the calling already tonight (fri) so i can't wait for saturday afternoon to hit

At the end of the day, you married him for better or worse. Unfortunately, his love for his mother is becoming a wedge between you two. No matter what happens, you need to take control over certain situations.

If YOU want something for YOUR wedding, (you can always choose to renew vows, that's what I will do)... and she doesn't like it, remind her that it's your decision unless she's ready to whip out some cash on the spot and put her money where her unsolicited opinions are.

It's important to me that I get along with any family I would marry into... and that's just me, but anyone with strong hurts that are unhealed (especially with parents) is a NO-GO for me. I'm the type to be nice, but after a while, when it's madness, I will confront you to your face and let you know I want this to be out, in the air and open.

When the next holiday comes up and you make plans, keep them. Even if it's just you and your mom or you by yourself and your hubby doesn't show, then fine, you're probably going to have a better day without their presence anyway. Make it a habit to book reserved spa appointments or something.

Yea, you need to work some stuff out with your husband... but invest in learning the power of a praying wife and play it cool...

 

[kayte]

and i'm not turning this into a cultural thing please don't misinterpret what i said.

whoa.....
I was trying to be humorous
& supportive

is all.........

 

[kayte]

my husband needs to talk to her, i'm not going to

I did not suggest you do this
actually validated your post.. when you tried to attempt this... it did not make a difference...

and that a nuetral third party may be of assistance...
in ways that can not only empower your marriage but mainly
empower ..you

....trying to be helpful..
whew~

 

[longhairlover]

oh no your right about everything,

i wasn't trying to be harsh at all either, i don't want the ladies to think i'm making a racial thread, because i am definitely not, i'm sure some families must give their in laws issues regardless of race. it's funny because my aunt's mil has shown she does'nt like her because she's AA but she is still cordial and doesn't disrespect her or get out of line.

I mean my aunt is older and more assertive than i am with situations like these, i'm 29 he's 30 so where new to this sort of crap. this is both of our first real relationship, he's never brought any females around his mom i'm the first,

I"ve had her over to my moms house last thanksgiving, I try to include her....i don't know, hopefully something will give.

whoa.....
I was trying to be humorous
& supportive

is all.........

 

[DarkHair]

From reading most of this, let me say that I can sooo relate to a lot of what you are going through. Like a pp said, tell your closest married friends, not your mom about him, or not at all. When we paint a bad image in people's minds, they tend to still see that image long after you've made up and forgiven. They don't see the make-up, they see the mistake. Might I suggest counseling that would include his mother? This may help open her eyes to what she is doing.

My DH is stressed because of family issues that involve me. I've told him for the longest about his family and their treatment toward me. I got tired. Just like we on LHCF tell people that don't believe we can grow hair to 'let the hair speak for you', let her actions 'speak for you'. He'll eventually see what her attitude and antics are doing to your marriage. Men don't see the snide remarks that we do. Kill her with kindness, but be watchful as it all unfolds. Don't let your DH go to her house alone, go with him. If something is said about you, she'll have to say it in your presence. This will give you a chance to stand up for yourself. Show her that your backbone is stronger than hers. If your religion is Christian, pray and read the Word. Around THIS house, I quote all kinds of marital scriptures. Any person that fears God will have to heed to it.

As another poster said, don't involve her in what you have planned. I learned this the hard way. MY MIL stole my wedding colors, menu, and reception layout when she got married 4 months prior to us. She didn't even offer up an address to help with our invites/guest list, nor did she stay to help clean up the reception (as I did hers). Don't focus so much on the gift. These are hard times. At least you didn't get a postdated check for $100 that doesn't even have YOUR name on it, but was meant as a gift for the BOTH of you. I'll add you and your situation to my prayers.

 

[longhairlover]

true, i did already attempt this on xmas i definitely want to do the counseling, but for right now i don't know what would be the good approach, I know she's going to call today because he didn't answer the phone Fri. normally he doesn't answer her calls but i got on him about that because i feel like it could be an emergency one day.

sigh.....prayer and patience i guess.

I did not suggest you do this
actually validated your post.. when you tried to attempt this... it did not make a difference...

and that a nuetral third party may be of assistance...
in ways that can not only empower your marriage but mainly
empower ..you

....trying to be helpful..
whew~

 

[hopeful]

I have tried after several incidents to make amends with her, but then she stabs me in the back again. So instead of being on and off cordial i'm just staying away.

the first incident was her insulting my wedding plans, afterall she said she wanted to help but then she insulted me serving soul food at a black wedding! she insulted my venue of choice etc. so we cancelled the whole wedding thing all together and went to city hall.

...

And this is when you and your dh gave up your power. So what if she didn't like your ideas? It wasn't her wedding. If you and dh sort through things and make up I think you two should plan a small ceremony on your 2 year anniversary. Serve soul food. Where a pretty white dress. You deserve a do-over. I am really rooting for you two.