Of course i'd have an issue with MIL on XMAS!!!

[longhairlover]

So I am now at my mother's house because me and my husband got into it.

His mother's husband left her and every since she has been a thorn in my side. She was no existent when we first met and only called once every month if even that. She was not a good mother to him and always pushed him onto someone else.

but ever since she ended up alone she has been calling non stop making up things for him to do to get him out of the house and away from me. On his bday this year i threw him something but she intervened and changed the time and invited people i did not want there, we were going to have a real wedding but i cancelled it and we just went to city hall because each of my plans she intervened and criticized, every thing from the food to where i booked our wedding she had an issue

on his bday this year after she destroyed the whole dinner plans i made, she then embarrassed me in front of my friend by being nasty to the both of us like we did something to her.

so today is xmas and i was going to cook go visit my mom and make my hubby dinner too. earlier in the day he went over to his mother's house, she gave him a gift only, now she has constantly been trying to start ish with me the whole winter for no reason.

i tell him are we splitting the money? and he's like "no" it's my gift! and im like that is rude of her because it's xmas and i'm your wife! do i not exist!

so then it turns into an arguement and he's like why would she get you a gift when you two have issues. WHAT ISSUES!???? I have tried to have a relationship with her but she has constantly stabbed me in the back!

my mother has treated him like a son even b4 we were married, she has bought both of us gifts and loved us equally as a couple. I have never gotten a gift from his mother during our engagement, maybe 2 x as we were married and even then she gave him 100 and me 50, my mom has never done this and it p@##$#$ me off that his moms purposely treats me like crap because she's trying to break us up. she's miserable so she wants him to join her in wedded nightmare

so now i have not cooked anything i'm hungry i'm at my moms house, she doesn't buy a lot of food and i'm soooo mad i feel like setting his moms house on fire!!!!!

what should i do? he's taking her side and she's clearly in the wrong.

 

[Keen]

You cannot control her actions. You can only control your action and right now you are letting her win. Is it that important you get a gift from her?

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

I am mad that your husband said the money is his and his alone erplexed

 

[Romey]

You are in the best position to me, you know the enemy(for the lack of a better word). She knows how to tweek you and become the victim. DO NOT take the bait.

You shouldve expected this. She needs attention and will do what it takes to get it. She's hurt and displacing her anger and frustrations. The best thing at this juncture is to LET IT GO. Now, you all hungry And pissed. Girl, make up with your husband, and cook that man his dinner then pray for his mother.

 

[longhairlover]

it's not important for me to get a gift from her but it's just rude,and i feel she's going out of her way to be a nasty #$#%^%!! and she's been messing with me through him for the past couple of weekends. saying ish, last week she said why don't i say hi when he's on the phone with me, he doesn't say hi to mom when i'm on the phone with her and we don't care.
just little things that are urking the f out of me.

your right she is winning, but i don't know what to do anymore. he's taking her side and giving me issues.

You cannot control her actions. You can only control your action and right now you are letting her win. Is it that important you get a gift from her?

 

[longhairlover]

yup that's why i'm at my moms house and he's alone with no food.

this made me want to swing on him but i just left the house. he normally listens to me and lets me explain why i feel a certain way, but he's like "me and his moms r having issues" and i'm like i don't even talk to her.

I am mad that your husband said the money is his and his alone erplexed

 

[nappystorm]

MIL are to be ignored at all times. Just do whatever you want and pay her miserable so and so no attention.

Your hair is gorgeous by the way

 

[longhairlover]

thank you so much for this, i just don't know how to get through to him that she's trying to destroy our marriage, ever since her man got fed up and left she has been constantly in his ear, calling asking for favors, playing victim as you said.

how in the heck do i stop this? he doesn't see what I am seeing in his moms. and i have given her several chances but she has always turned around and stabbed me in the face.

You are in the best position to me, you know the enemy(for the lack of a better word). She knows how to tweek you and become the victim. DO NOT take the bait.

You shouldve expected this. She needs attention and will do what it takes to get it. She's hurt and displacing her anger and frustrations. The best thing at this juncture is to LET IT GO. Now, you all hungry And pissed. Girl, make up with your husband, and cook that man his dinner then pray for his mother.

 

[longhairlover]

MIL are to be ignored at all times. Just do whatever you want and pay her miserable so and so no attention. yeah i just feel like sometimes the black mil's are worse, my aunt's mil is white and even though she's a racist she still is nice to her on the holidays.

Your hair is gorgeous by the way

thank you lol....that made me feel better

 

[nappystorm]

I wouldn't say anything to him. Just keep ignoring her and keeping your cool and eventually he will see it for himself

 

[twnz&1mo]

I know it's hard but don't say anything negative about his mom to him. Yes you can think it in your head, tell your friends but don't say it to him. It'll just cause more tension for the two of you. And I think it was a little mean for him to say the money is his when you're a married couple. I say either kill her with kindness, or just straight up ignore her. Does she have other children? If not then maybe that's why she's hanging onto your husband. And let you DH go out and buy something to eat, he has money doesn't he. yes, devils advocate came out for a second.

 

[NYAmicas]

He's going to have to make a decision on whether he's with you or find a way for you and his mother to get along. His stance so far isn't helping the situation and has me wondering why he isnt backing you up.

 

[longhairlover]

lol!!! i purposely took the food out of the house over to my moms, i didn't cook anything but i took it anyway.
i don't think it's devils advocate, i can't be a push over and let him talk crap to me either.

i really didn't appreciate him saying the money is all his like i'm his friend.

i feel like when i get extra money i try to save it or spend it on us not just me.

we are both our moms only children, and she has her claws in his back guess she wants him to replace the company of her husband.

i already said something slick, it's hard not too, because he's being stupid, she says stuff about me to him and he doesn't defend me, but if my moms has a moment and says something slick about him i defend him i won't anymore.

I know it's hard but don't say anything negative about his mom to him. Yes you can think it in your head, tell your friends but don't say it to him. It'll just cause more tension for the two of you. And I think it was a little mean for him to say the money is his when you're a married couple. I say either kill her with kindness, or just straight up ignore her. Does she have other children? If not then maybe that's why she's hanging onto your husband. And let you DH go out and buy something to eat, he has money doesn't he. yes, devils advocate came out for a second.

 

[longhairlover]

your right, with him saying we have issues right now, he must think that i have a beef with her i don't we didn't get into an argument, yes i have finally come to admit that i don't like her at all and i never ever want to be around her because she's trouble.

but the way his attitude was tonight was like my mom comes first even though she hasn't been there for him, she has also caused him to have bad credit by having him get credit cards for her in the past that she didn't pay off.

it's such a shame because he will see when he is alone without me that she really doesn't have his best interest at heart. she's miserable and she's trying to bring us down with her.

when he husband was around she didn't even want him walking around their house, she wouldn't let him live there after college nothing, but since the man left....ran from her she offered for us to live there

she's a user like i've never seen, but now he 's being a mommas boy after being distant.

i just don't know what i'm going to end up doing.

He's going to have to make a decision on whether he's with you or find a way for you and his mother to get along. His stance so far isn't helping the situation and has me wondering why he isnt backing you up.

 

[Romey]

However you choose to approach your situation, I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Tallone]

Do you consider your man a good one? If so you need to talk to him and get him to agree that NO ONE will be allowed the power to intervene in YOUR MARRIAGE. Its then up to the both of you to walk it. Im mad at her for acting childish, mad at him for saying the money is his alone, and mad at you for allowing this aged hefffa to get up in the midst like this. Are you crazy? Girl don't let somebody else start trouble in your marriage. If you played your cards right he'd take that money and spend it on you. You have the last laugh.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

your right, with him saying we have issues right now, he must think that i have a beef with her i don't we didn't get into an argument, yes i have finally come to admit that i don't like her at all and i never ever want to be around her because she's trouble.

but the way his attitude was tonight was like my mom comes first even though she hasn't been there for him, she has also caused him to have bad credit by having him get credit cards for her in the past that she didn't pay off.

it's such a shame because he will see when he is alone without me that she really doesn't have his best interest at heart. she's miserable and she's trying to bring us down with her.

when he husband was around she didn't even want him walking around their house, she wouldn't let him live there after college nothing, but since the man left....ran from her she offered for us to live there

she's a user like i've never seen, but now he 's being a mommas boy after being distant.

i just don't know what i'm going to end up doing.

He must know that his mom no longer comes 1st right? This must be really tough op. Something has got to give...

 

[Belle Creole]

I agree with NS. I'm sure the extra attention he's getting is really putting a hurtin' on him too *rolls eyes* Ignore is the strategy. His not wanting or understanding that the money should be shared is another issue...maybe at a later date it might need to be addressed. Why don't you take yourself to a movie and get all the goodies...probably not a good idea, that sounds like emotional eating. Well take yourself to a good movie and have some fun. Then go home with a big smile, hugs and kisses for all, take a shower and get in the bed. that will get his attention.

 

[longhairlover]

I have talked to him without arguing or being nasty, but he's not getting it, i'm about to give up. I have explained and mentioned to him that it is obvious she is doing things on purpose, i have tried to make sure he at least takes her phone calls but now she calls all weekend sometimes back to back the whole Saturday.

she's always asking him to drive her somewhere and it's my car and i really don't trust his driving. she's just always trying to get him out of the house each weekend and i'm just becoming infuriated about it.

last weekend she asked him to take her to the airport at 4am and he's not up that late but he asked me anyway i told him no at first because of the street conditions last week + his driving= an accident. she had someone that was going to take her to the airport but she asked him anyway just to be an arse. so when he told her yes she told him never mind that someone was taking her. so why did she ask in the first place?

sometimes I talk to him and he's like yeah i understand but then he doesn't defend me, i mean 2 wks ago when she mentioned me not saying hi on the phone had nothing to do with what they were talking about it was just out of nowhere, so to cover it up i hear him say: "she says hi" wtf! i did not say hi why lie and who cares. I am not a child and I refuse to be bullied by some miserable hag.

they can have each other is the way i'm starting to feel, i am tired of talking to someone that has no back bone. i'm not asking him to curse her out but just to defend me. and she knows he's soft and that's why she keeps doing this every weekend. and on the holidays it's worse.

she ruined our thanksgiving too.

Have you ever had a conversation with your husband without being crass in your observations of his mom's behavior?

In order to maintain an open relationship I think you'd want to discuss likes and dislikes, of course at the approriate time. You also must know when the other person isn't receptive to whatyou're expressing (if you catch my drift). Never pit your husband against his mother. If you can't get through leave it alone. He may bemore protective of her because children usually are sensitive to their parents situation(s). So don't push the issue.
If that doesn't work then ignore her actions. Be cordial, but don't give way to the BS. Don't let this distract you from the most important thing to you, your relationship with your husband.

I hope everything word out for you . Remember: Stay positive and focus on the most important things in life.

 

[longhairlover]

yup your right, and when he said it's his money he said with a tude like he's 5 yrs old, i guess it's a shame she wasn't a good parent because she decides now is the time to make up for it, we have been fussing over her being a nut for 4 yrs now, she did it with our wedding we were supposed to have and now she's doing it now that were married.

i have tried to tell him that our marriage is sacred and not even our parents should come between it, and quoting the bible scriptures everything, but he doesnt get it.

maybe i should stay at my moms house for a while maybe it will help him come to his senses maybe it wont' i'm getting to the point where i miss being at home with my moms anyway. my moms is single and happy to be free from any man stress.

Do you consider your man a good one? If so you need to talk to him and get him to agree that NO ONE will be allowed the power to intervene in YOUR MARRIAGE. Its then up to the both of you to walk it. Im mad at her for acting childish, mad at him for saying the money is his alone, and mad at you for allowing this aged hefffa you are right she ruined her relationship so she's on to ruin ours. to get up in the midst like this. Are you crazy? Girl don't let somebody else start trouble in your marriage. If you played your cards right he'd take that money and spend it on you. You have the last laugh.

 

[longhairlover]

it's crazy because his moms never was first, when we first started dating he never heard from her because she was still married. to me she's just using him and doesn't respect that he's married at all. my mom thinks that since he didn't get all this attention from her when he was younger that in a way he's desperate for her acceptance and love. but she's giving negative attention.

he's normally very giving, i'm thinking she must've said something to him about sharing it and something negative about me.

because when he said me and her have "issues" right now, that has to be from her, i never said anything to her, shes been starting the drama all by herself. so this is telling me she's talking to him about me negatively.

she probably told him make sure you don't give her nothing, because he's never like this with money he shares it all with me if he has it.

he went to her house by himself because i refuse to go around her, so who knows what was said.

 

[hopeful]

it's crazy because his moms never was first, when we first started dating he never heard from her because she was still married. to me she's just using him and doesn't respect that he's married at all. my mom thinks that since he didn't get all this attention from her when he was younger that in a way he's desperate for her acceptance and love. but she's giving negative attention.

...

I'm so sorry you are going through this at Christmastime. I think your mom is right. So many of us have daddy issues, sounds like he has mommy issues because of her poor mothering. I don't know what to tell you. At some point the two of you have got to get on the same page, it takes two to protect a marriage. Somebody or something is always trying to get at a good marriage. I really hope things work out and hope he apologizes and you two make up.

 

[CurleeDST]

Wow, sounds like he doesn't get it but it would be interesting to hear his side.

 

[MizzBrown]

You making me not want to get married.

I dont see how yall deal with it.

And the sad thing is that you dont know if she'll be like that til AFTER you get married...then her flip side comes out.

 

[longhairlover]

yeah my mom says she feel sorry for me and my aunt because were married and always coming to her for stuff lol!!!!

i am starting to be jealous of the single too, and you know what most of my bf's have always had moms like this or worse. and i have noticed it was worse with the black men that i was with, their moms would always try to have them as their replacement men and hold on to them.

other guys i've dated of other races didn't have this issue as much their moms wanted them to be married and have kids etc.

i mean bad mil's come in all races but from my experience it has mainly been the AA ones and it's a shame, how can we build family structure when there's always someone trying to tear it down.

stay single, and most likey you will know if the future mil will be a hassle, this woman showed me from the beginning that she would be an issue, as soon as we mentioned getting married there she went.

You making me not want to get married.

I dont see how yall deal with it.

And the sad thing is that you dont know if she'll be like that til AFTER you get married...then her flip side comes out.

 

[longhairlover]

his side is she wasn't trying to be spiteful, and that "alledgely" she was going to get me a gift. i don't believe him he's the "can't we all just get along" guy, and he hates drama. i know he's lying my sixth sense is going off, but it's all good, they can both go to hell.....

i really didn't care if she got me a gift, it was just the principal of again acting like i don't exist, and not doing a joint gift. i would never give a gift to a married couple and only give it to one of them totally ignoring the other half.

the husband just doesn't get it and I don't know why, he wants peace but he has to realize that we have a bit of drama with his moms, oh and did i forget to mention she went to florida this past weekend and asked him if he wanted to go? wtf he's not single.

for another time she had given us money (one of the 2nd gifts for me in 4 yrs) and she gave me 50$ but gave him 100, to me it didn't make sense and she should've just put the money combined as one gift for 'us' not individual, that was rude but i ignored it.

 

[CurleeDST]

Hmm, she sounds like a piece of work. I understand the principle of the thing. For me I do not want my mil buying me anything b/c our tastes are so different - I typically don't use the gifts she gives me b/c well........I just usually don't like them.
To give you guys different money amounts is blatant. No excuse for that but it sounds like you all need to communicate your feelings. Unless you have spoken to her how do you know how deeply her husband leaving has hurt her? Maybe she needs support and attention by any means necessary? Perhaps this is reparable but if you do not communicate with HER and him directly you will never know. Sounds like all speculation at this point - eventhough I do realize intuition is taking over.

But at least give her her day to speak on it and then make the call.

 

[longhairlover]

I've talked to her she's talked to the hubby about things and always plays the victim, in oct is bday I planned a get together and she was to call his family, she hindered all my planning from time, to why r we going to this place? to using her 92 yr old grandmother as an excuse not to go to the place i picked, it's a nice place and the food is really good but it's no fancy, everyone had to order their own food and i was told by staff to get there early, she changed the time without my approval and by the time we got there the line was crazy long, when she approached me she had a nasty attitude and was nasty even to my friend that she didn't know. i stopped speaking to her then, i had told her what i didn't like but she said she "didn't mean any harm" she flipped the script yet again. even with my caterer for our wedding we were going to have she insulted the soul food that i wanted served, she said you don't serve food like that at weddings, and i know for sure that even white folks have had mcdonalds catered to them and other non stuffy food.
she insulted the wedding place i wanted to use saying it was small, duh i don't have any family and i wanted a small wedding his people would've fit in there. insults everything i try to do and plan and interferes.

i have tried to even be very compassionate about her husband leaving because i know that must hurt especially because he went and had another family. but she played like she was over it and didn't care.

i have tried so many times in these 4 yrs that i'm tired of trying and no matter what she claims she meant no harm even when she's insulting my choices.

were a young couple and i don't think she respects it or us. but i've voiced my opinion to her once and she goes right back at it.

another example: thanksgiving-we were all supposed to go to her house, last minute she wants to come over to ours and I was not having dinner at our house, it was supposed to be at hers as planned. she tells the hubby that we never invite her over, but i dont invite my own mother over either. she then started with the calling back and forth all thanksgiving day on why he didn't come over and it's getting late 1pm afternoon, i was still cooking my turkey too, but she said it was too late, so after all the calls and guilt trips we went nowhere hmmmmm kinda like xmas day today

i have tried several times to work things out and have a relationship with her because of him but it comes back to stuff like this, and i'm done with trying, i don't like drama and getting upset it's not healthy.

sorry for the looooong posts, i've been wanting to get these things off my chest for a couple of years now.

 

[MizzBrown]

You need to just flip on her. My two scents. It works in my family.

Go into Dr. Hyde mode and just tell her how u really feel.

Just go over to her house and spazz out. She'll think you're crazy and lay off for a while thinking you might kill her or something.

Heck, pick up a knife and wave it around as you are telling her about yourself for more emphasis.

 

[CurleeDST]

So let me make sure I understand this, on Turkey day plans were to go there, she wanted to come to your home, nothing solidified, she calls all day on Thanksgiving asking why you guys did not come over? Is that right?

Talk to your husband about your feelings. You have to live with him and effective communication is key. It can't be easy and sometimes it takes us just standing back and letting stuff happen for our loved ones to understand what we were trying to tell them. Stay strong.