Not In The Mood

S

SimplyBeaTifull

Active Member
I'm engaged to a very loving, hardworking, dependable man but I don't have the desire to have sex with him as the average couple. We roughly have sex maybe four times a month versus having sex daily when we first meet over 6 years ago. I can admit I make excuses frequently as to why I don't want to indulge in sexual activity..(im tired, i have a headache etc.) Once before I did say ok lets just do it and i just laid there without making a sound which made him want to stop. Not sure why I don't want sex with him as often as before but it is causing a problem in our relationship along with other family drama (his family). We are set to tie the knot next summer...but i think the wedding will not happen if we can't come to a solution about the issues we face daily. Help!
 
Your descriptions of him don't sound sexy. It sounds like he is good on paper. I apologize if I am wrong.

Does he stimulate you? Were you brought up being told that sex is bad? Do you have prior sexual experience? Are you capable of bringing yourself to orgasm? Do you like his sexual performance? Are you marrying him because he is everything you ever wanted in a man? Are you a sexual person? Has something changed in your couple-dynamic that is making you make these excuses? Have you ever been cheated on? If so, how did you move past it? Does your religion (if you have one) prohibit premarital sex? Have you ever been molested? Have you ever had your hormone levels checked? Are you overworked? Do you have any vaginal issues? Is his penis size sufficient to please you?

I hope you can answer these truthfully. I do not need the responses. When you do answer these questions, it should shed some light on why you are less amorous with him. Good luck lovie! Hang in there! xx
 
I gave up on an overly attractive man when all they did was cheat on me..I really think I lowered my standards in that area just because with past relationships with the"Hot Guy" "Pretty Boys" always found a way to leave me hurt. My SO other is not unattractive but he is also not the type of guy i saw myself with when I set goals of how I wanted my future husband to look. Tall, built, etc..he is average height for a guy and skinny (something i wish i still was). & i am a very sexual person..we have had times were that was all we did...Eat..Sleep..Sex..go to work..and repeat..I just don't think he understands that those were the times when we had no true responsibilities and our time was our time..now with two kids and our own everything..stuff is a bit different..he stills is in the mindset of the past..I just prefer to have sex and be able to relax afterwards...and our schedules don't really match out well...but when I do think it's the perfect time to enjoy some alone time..a guest may come over..or he may have something to do for his mom..etc..So when i suggested to have a"Planned Sex Day/s" he gave me that look...like we shouldn't have to do that and stated that he should be able to have sex with me whenever he get ready..so on..AND my birth control is a big problem for us as well..my cycle may stay on 2days or 15days or may not come at all..I know sex is a big percent of the relationship and I don't want him going outside of our relationship..but at this point how can I be mad if he does..he says this has been an issue for over a year now..and he has not seen any improvements in me like I said I would work on..but if i don't want to how can i blame him for finding someone that does..i think the only thing i couldn't deal with if he got someone pregnant while out doing his own thing..since im use to being cheated on in the past I think my feelings have become non-existence in that area..
 
SimplyBeaTifull said:
At times I do feel overwhelmed because I take on so much me ensure our future will be great. And i do feel as if he is not meeting me halfway or doing as much as I do. Which reflects on the sex part because i don't find him attractive as I once did when he was doing more for our family.
Click to expand...

I thought something else was going on. Your body in instinctively shutting down to him because he is not making you feel safe, protected, cared for etc. Trust your body, your heart, your mind, your feelings, and your instincts.
 
He is currently at work at the moment and he doesn't want to talk with me..we had a argument before he left today..about us not having sex last night..
 
hopeful said:
I thought something else was going on. Your body in instinctively shutting down to him because he is not making you feel safe, protected, cared for etc. Trust your body, your heart, your mind, your feelings, and your instincts.
Click to expand...

My heart says stay because he is faithful..my mind/instincts says if i become successful and we marry and he is not happy we will divorce and I could be left paying him off..my body says i desire sex but not from him as often as he wants to.. My feelings are everywhere because of everything going on besides his having sex problems...smh
 
So you are in the mood, his actions outside the bedroom are turning you off. And it seems you are having second thoughts about the marriage as well?

You all do need to talk. Sometimes it is hard for men to understand how those things you mentioned tie into sexual desire...whereas they can be into it regardless of what is going on.

He likely feels rejected and you are turned off by his lack of action.
 
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I didn't read through the entire 1st post because my mind went back to the what I'll share below.
Back in the day when I was married (& rather young), my sex drive dwindled from onehundrit to Zero. Specifically after the children were born, and real-life stresses kicked in. To boot my DH at the time was not "dear" at all; it got to the point where I had no desire to sleep w/him at all. He (a narcisist) was emotionally and financially abusive; and I became more and more unavailable for him. This started a vicious circle of tension between us. I don't know where my drive went but it was gone for quite some time.
When IT DID RETURN, I had such an appetite for it AND the appetite was not for DH. I couldn't/wouldn't fake it, in fact I'd rather have (and did) "handle My Bizness myself". I eventually left him.
I have to admit that I had other issues that DH's arsehole of a personality triggered; BIG TIME!!​

OP, don't let the bolded happen to you, or your potential marriage. Don't go into a marriage with/under these circumstances; AND ABOVE ALL else if YOU have issues that you (deep down) know you need to work on the WORK ON THOSE ISSUES; instead of focusing on the dream (fiance', marriage, saving face, what looks like a good relationship, etc).
 
OP are you the breadwinner in the family more successful career?

Its seems something shifted, as i know sex may diminish a bit after kids and etc. But I noted you stated you do alot and he is not doing as much, that would make my pum pum so dry. Also, the implanon could really be the issue my BC removed my entire sex drive. For me if i feel like im the man in the relationship then the roles have shifted and i too wouldn't desire a man who is not stepping up for his family and me his wife.

I would def rec'd counseling.


SimplyBeaTifull said:
My heart says stay because he is faithful..my mind/instincts says if i become successful and we marry and he is not happy we will divorce and I could be left paying him off..my body says i desire sex but not from him as often as he wants to.. My feelings are everywhere because of everything going on besides his having sex problems...smh
Click to expand...
 
SimplyBeaTifull said:
I gave up on an overly attractive man when all they did was cheat on me..I really think I lowered my standards in that area just because with past relationships with the"Hot Guy" "Pretty Boys" always found a way to leave me hurt. My SO other is not unattractive but he is also not the type of guy i saw myself with when I set goals of how I wanted my future husband to look. Tall, built, etc..he is average height for a guy and skinny (something i wish i still was). & i am a very sexual person..we have had times were that was all we did...Eat..Sleep..Sex..go to work..and repeat..I just don't think he understands that those were the times when we had no true responsibilities and our time was our time..now with two kids and our own everything..stuff is a bit different..he stills is in the mindset of the past..I just prefer to have sex and be able to relax afterwards...and our schedules don't really match out well...but when I do think it's the perfect time to enjoy some alone time..a guest may come over..or he may have something to do for his mom..etc..So when i suggested to have a"Planned Sex Day/s" he gave me that look...like we shouldn't have to do that and stated that he should be able to have sex with me whenever he get ready..so on..AND my birth control is a big problem for us as well..my cycle may stay on 2days or 15days or may not come at all..I know sex is a big percent of the relationship and I don't want him going outside of our relationship..but at this point how can I be mad if he does..he says this has been an issue for over a year now..and he has not seen any improvements in me like I said I would work on..but if i don't want to how can i blame him for finding someone that does..i think the only thing i couldn't deal with if he got someone pregnant while out doing his own thing..since im use to being cheated on in the past I think my feelings have become non-existence in that area..
Click to expand...
Reading this truly made me cry sis I'm so sorry you're going through this.
First find some attration for your man. You really should want to jump how bones almost all the time lol even if he doesn't look like the fantasy I'm sure something he is to you is attractive. You need to shift your mind. It's not fair to him or you for you to be marrying him and speaking of him like we'll I know he won't cheat on me. Etc

Second girl send them kids away for the rest of the summer. You sound like you need a break. Also speak with fh about getting a nanny a couple days a week. You seem burnt out. And over it.

Third yall live together I assume schedules don't mean a thing girl wake your man up at 3am with some bomb 'brain surgery' :look:

4th no you should not be OK with him cheating on you. Clearly something is blocking your arousal and as your partner he should be there to help you not just like oh fix it etcetc

If you seem to stress about housework how about he have the house clean when you get home. The kids have them fed and put to bed etc etc

Also last thing you need to take some days to yourself and minister to your body and soul. Take a cleansing bath and release the hurt from the past, release the stress of the day, release the insecurity about your weight release it all and wash it away. Take some red clay and sea salt into the tub and just scrub and cleanse your body.

Hugs
 
I'm listening...because I am uninterested in sex generally. I wasn't like that when I was younger/in college and some years after. My sex drive dropped in my 30s which was when I started taking BC. I'm not in the mood as often as most men in relationships with me would like. I have moments but then I can go long periods without it, months. But then again, there were issues in those relationships. So maybe you all are on to something.

I asked my male friend how often he and his wife do it and he said once a month and is a serial cheater. Does she know, does her body know? They've been together over 10 years (not married 10).
 
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@SimplyBeaTifull

I completely agree with the hopeful's post. Your body is speaking to you. You just have to listen. If you are not sexually attracted to him now it will not improve with marriage.

I've read the articles below over the years (married 10 years) and found them to be very helpful.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...role-physical-attraction-in-your-relationship

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo.../youre-just-not-him-part-3-couples-counseling

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...eartbreak/201208/don-t-touch-me-i-m-your-wife
 
lux10023 said:
OP are you the breadwinner in the family more successful career?

Its seems something shifted, as i know sex may diminish a bit after kids and etc. But I noted you stated you do alot and he is not doing as much, that would make my pum pum so dry. Also, the implanon could really be the issue my BC removed my entire sex drive. For me if i feel like im the man in the relationship then the roles have shifted and i too wouldn't desire a man who is not stepping up for his family and me his wife.

I would def rec'd counseling.
Click to expand...

I can truly say we are even when it comes to "breadwinner" at the moment, but next year i will surpass him and although $$ wise we are basically the same I still provide more. I feel that since you are the man then you need to provide. He seems as if he is fine with the way things are now...he has been at his current job since he was 16 and worked his way up to Management, but he still doesn't bring home more than enough..just enough. & on top of all that his mother (whom i don't care for at the moment) still thinks he is suppose to do things for her such as (co-sign for stuff)...she has a man by the way... it really grinds my gears...we can't do things as a couple because she still feels as if he owes her..(entirely different story though).

Ganjababy said:
We're you sexually molested as a child?
No, i was not.

Has this happened before with other sexual partners?
Click to expand...

No, just recently with him. I've always enjoyed sex period...just don't feel like it with anyone to be honest..so it's not him..it's me. I'm not as freaky as I once was back in the day..
 
After having physically been through everything @hopeful described, it sounds like you all have an unbalanced workload in the maintainence of your relationship.

I just want to toss this out to you... for but have you told him and given him the opportunity to step up. I say this being a single woman with no kids but lots of friends who do. After my friends have complained to me about him not doing xyz, I ask did you tell/ask him to take care of xyz... more often than not the answer is no. I get a billion reason why the answer is no but still no. I see friends wearing themselves out instead of asking/demanding him for help. Now... if he doesn't respond, take all of that with a grain of salt.
 
OMG!!! as you ladies can see its 1230 in the morning and future husband wants to have sex...i just worked 12hrs today and although earlier in the day i did say yes we would have sex...I get home and see so much needed to be done..he just arrived after i have completed all tasks and i am fresh out the shower and finally relaxing...of course he still wants sex but i am so tired..so of course we argue and now i feel guilty for being tired and im leaving for 2days..not to mention i have only about 4 hrs of sleep before i have to go back to work! should i feel guilty for being too tired? and we just had great sex the other night...like grrrr just let me rest...miss you a little and we can we i get back in 48hrs..geeezzzz
 
Please do not marry this main. If he's treating you this way before marriage, I can only imagine what life would be like for you after the wedding. You are being entirely too patient, understanding, loving toward this selfish, entitled man. Stop it! Make yourself a priority in your life. Take good care of YOU. He is not a good guy. He is pretending, putting on a show, like @Lucie said, he is good on paper. Run, run while you can. Save yourself. IMO he is not going to change. This is who he is.
 
SimplyBeaTifull said:
yes...too many damn times!
Click to expand...

Of course you have! Words mean nothing to men like this. Your willingness to talk about things is a weakness to him. It keeps you hoping and thinking that one day he will get it. He won't. Action is all that matters. If you don't treat me well, respect and cherish me, I leave, period. In fact, avoid any man incapable of respecting and cherishing you. If he can't and won't he's trash. If you allow it to go on, you are being complicit in being treated like trash. Remember who you are.
 
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