NON religious pre-marital counseling

P

PeanutButterandHoney

New Member
How was yours?

What happened in there?

What is it like?

For those of you who havent experienced, do you feel it's important?

Why or why not?

We are scheduled for next month and I will admit I am pretty nervous.
 
never heard of it....didn't even know it existed. Sounds nice though. I'm excited for you and can't wait to hear how it turns out.
 
ZeeOl'Lady said:
You've never heard of counseling done from someone other than a preacher?
Done with someone who is a licensed mental health counselor?
Click to expand...

I guess it never occurred to me that there are pre-marital counseling programs out there given by licensed mental health counselors. And, no, I haven't heard of any or seen them advertised. It makes sense though. Great idea.
 
Really? That's all I know of.
I m not member of a church here so I am not comfortable asking a preacher

ETA: licensed mental health counselor is also known to have the credentials to practice as a marriage and family therapist

Me and FH will be seeing a Marriage and family Therapist
 
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I didn't do it, and I wish we did. :lol: I think that counseling, usually, is useful, because it forces you to verbalize thoughts/expectations that you have and might not even realize.

Why are you nervous?

Oooohh - if you want to do something to 'lead' up to it, try finding the Book of Questions: Love and Sex and answer some questions with each other. :yep:
 
JustKiya,

I dunno why I am nervous.
I just am.
I keep picturing some guy telling us that we shouldn't get married.
I dunno not one blk person who went thru counseling and I hate going into situations blindsighted.
 
ZeeOl'Lady said:
JustKiya,
I dunno not one blk person who went thru counseling and I hate going into situations blindsighted.
Click to expand...

That's the problem. If anything, you should proud of trying to break the mold

The ones I know all went thru church counseling. I'd definitely prefer a licensed professional myself

Let us know how it goes. Go with a positive mind and try to take it seriously. Not come out all "whatever lady, only clear people will listen to this ish"
 
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Thank you Bachelorette.

I find it very odd that many people have not attended counseling.

I want to go to a marriage and family therapist because I feel that spritual counseling should happen during the marriage
 
We didn't do it and I am glad we didn't.

DH and I hardly ever have disagreements and when we do we both are great problem solvers. Our worst fight is probably minor and laughable to most couples.

I will say that as a Black man he is not open to sharing his personal business with a stranger. I think he would go to counseling if we needed it but I am not sure that he is as open about the process as I am. If anything I think it might cause more issues for us but I don't know because we have never been to counseling.
 
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ZeeOl'Lady said:
I want to go to a marriage and family therapist because I feel that spritual counseling should happen during the marriage
Click to expand...

Most black people believe the "church/spiritual" counseling should be before and DURING (usually wen there's a problem) marriage.

why do you feel otherwise?

I think the path you chose is cool though so good luck :yep:
 
Bachelorette said:
Most black people believe the "church/spiritual" counseling should be before and DURING (usually wen there's a problem) marriage.

why do you feel otherwise?

I think the path you chose is cool though so good luck :yep:
Click to expand...
Well, a couple of reasons
1. We don't belong to a church, so any pastor would be a "stranger"
2. I have somewhat of a distrust (based on my past experiences with preachers) in how they would counsel us.
It has been my experience that many preachers typically respond to a traditional-male based ideology that would have our counseling surround by how I could submit to HIM.
 
Radianthealth said:
We didn't do it and I am glad we didn't.

DH and I hardly ever have disagreements and when we do we both are great problem solvers. Our worst fight is probably minor and laughable to most couples.

I will say that as a Black man he is not open to sharing his personal business with a stranger. I think he would go to counseling if we needed it but I am not sure that he is as open about the process as I am. If anything I think it might cause more issues for us but I don't know because we have never been to counseling.
Click to expand...


really?

Sounds like it wouldn'tbe as beneficial to a couple like you!
This is refreshing to read.
 
ZeeOl'Lady said:
It has been my experience that many preachers typically respond to a traditional-male based ideology that would have our counseling surround by how I could submit to HIM.
Click to expand...

Exactly why I wouldnt do it myself.

while I was in Nigeria this Dec, i went for my oldest friend's wedding and her Anglican church made me sick. Sadly you can see my displeasure with their messages/sermons on my face in some of the wedding photos(I was maid of honor):lachen::nono:
But seriously alot was just SHEER chauvinism and it made me so irritated. Unfortuinately unlike here where the church just does the usual marriage vows, there the church wedding is like 2-3hrs filled with sermons on how to be the best doormat..I mean wife :look: and she had already heard most of this ish during the pre-martial counseling.

icing on the cake was the constant mention of how she will be blessed with twin boys 9 months from then and more boys :rolleyes::rolleyes: but I digress

i see what you mean and i agree. just wonder why you then think you'd use them for DURING marriage. Same thing IMO cept later it'll be "well you must have done something wrong for him to do this that. Prosperityof a marriage relies on the wife and only the wife"

Lol Im already getting annoyed remembering all this mess.

sorry zee:lachen:
 
Bachelorette said:
Exactly why I wouldnt do it myself.

while I was in Nigeria this Dec, i went for my oldest friend's wedding and her Anglican church made me sick. Sadly you can see my displeasure with their messages/sermons on my face in some of the wedding photos(I was maid of honor):lachen::nono:
But seriously alot was just SHEER chauvinism and it made me so irritated. Unfortuinately unlike here where the church just does the usual marriage vows, there the church wedding is like 2-3hrs filled with sermons on how to be the best doormat..I mean wife :look: and she had already heard most of this ish during the pre-martial counseling.

icing on the cake was the constant mention of how she will be blessed with twin boys 9 months from then and more boys :rolleyes::rolleyes: but I digress

i see what you mean and i agree. just wonder why you then think you'd use them for DURING marriage. Same thing IMO cept later it'll be "well you must have done something wrong for him to do this that. Prosperityof a marriage relies on the wife and only the wife"

Lol Im already getting annoyed remembering all this mess.

sorry zee:lachen:
Click to expand...
Don't be sorry!

I say during because that would be the times that we would be experienceing difficulties (unemloyment, lusting, lies, etc)
I would seek him in order for us to get back on track with God, but before we have to do that, I believe we need the union.
I really don't trust a preacher to teach me or counsel me on HOW to be a wife, which they tend to do during the pre-marital counseling.
 
We did. Twice. The first one which was more extensive had some religious aspects to it - but DH was adamant that this not be a HUGE part - since he did not want some catholic priest who had never been married giving us marriage advice.

It was not done by a pastor but a couple licensed to do it. It was great to have a couple do it - since you got 2 points of view. We took tons of notes and it was helpful. We did not have problems before we got married but we thought it was the smart thing to do - it also made us talk about a few things that seemed obvious - but in reality is not obvious at all - like what marriage really, really means to each of us. You would be shocked at how people see marriage. We talked about everything else - and they recommended the 5 love language book - which I had already read.

The second set of counseling sessions were more religious since it was done by the guy who was marrying us. He cut his sessions short because he said he was surprised at how prepared we were - which we attributed to the 1st set of sessions.

I would do it. There are places out there that do this.
 
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ZeeOl'Lady said:
How was yours?

What happened in there?

What is it like?

For those of you who havent experienced, do you feel it's important?

Why or why not?

We are scheduled for next month and I will admit I am pretty nervous.
Click to expand...

We didn't have it any type of counseling.

It was required at the church I went to but DH wouldn't go for it esp since he felt like the minister didn't like him and I had dated his son. I don't think it's that important.
 
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This would be a 2nd marriage for my boyfriend, and he has said that's one of his musts before marriage. He didn't have it the first time around, and he really thinks it would be valuable- to start on the same page, address each other's expectations of marriage, decide how we will work things out. He is not really religious though, so he would prefer that it be with a secular counselor, but he would go to a religious one if I said that was important to me
 
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We went to see a marriage and family therapist for our pre-martial counseling. I found a black male counselor because I thought my DH would be more open and honest with a man.

I thought the counseling was good. A key point that our counselor said was, most couples have the SAME argument over and over again. The context may be different for each argument but the root issue is usually the same. We talked about finances (how we would pay bills, save, etc). career goals, family goals, expectations of each other.

Overall it was a good experience. I wish we had gone to more sessions, like for 6 months. We only had 4 sessions over 2 months.
 
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Wow....seems like you what to cover all bases and get the most of your future marriage. Best of luck to you both. It seems as if it could only be a positive experience.

*btw.....I know lots of black people that were/are in counseling...and they generally are doing alot better than my couple friends (with problems) that aren't seeking outside assistance.
 
We did religious counseling pre and non-religious conseling during. I wish we would have done the non-religious counseling pre. We probably would have not gotten married -- which would have been the best benefit I could have gotten out of it.

Best of luck to you.
 
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