New To Online Dating: Is This Too Soon?

[TinyBlu]

So after "doing me" for a little over a year, I finally think I'm ready to explore my options. I have a couple acquaintances that have had some luck dating online, so I thought it couldn't hurt.

I put up a profile and started communicating with someone via email, and we seemed to be hitting it off... until... he informed me that he would be taking down his dating profile because keeping it active "wouldn't be fair to me"...

OK, we haven't even exchanged phone numbers or met face-to-face yet. Is it me or does that seem a little too fast?

He also told me that he googled me after our initial correspondence and was able to find an old blog from back in the day and some forums, etc. that I had posted under the same cyber name. At first, I was thinking that this may have been an act of caution, but now I'm a bit worried.

I have dealt with some crazy guys in the past, and though online, these behaviors seem a bit familiar (why the rush?). Am I just being paranoid?

 

[C@ssandr@]

Yes, it's too fast. What does he mean by "it wouldn't be fair to you?" You can ask him for clarity, but this sounds like a dub.

 

[Sosoothing]

Way too soon. He sounds controlling, possessve and narcissistic. Notice how he says it won't be fair to you. As opposed to maybe "I want to do the right thing". He thinks that highly of himself. He had decided on his own, that it would be devastating or at least make you feel badly if you knew his profile is still up and yet you don't feel that way.

But even if he worded it differently, it's still way too soon. His actions and the way he expressed himself gives a hint to more than one potential issue.

 

[hopeful]

I would just go with it. You should definitely change your screen name though so that people can’t research you like that. That puts you at a disadvantage. The point of an online screen name, especially when dating, is privacy.

If your antenna is going off then move on. But if you like him see where things go. See if he asks you out soon or not. He may just be all talk. I also think the whole I took my profile down is a ploy to see if you will follow suit. If I continued to talk to him I wouldn’t even address him taking his profile down. IMO that’s his business. You shouldn’t take your profile down anytime soon. You deserve to go on lots of dates with him and other guys. Lots.

And if he didn’t arrange a face to face date very soon as in the next week, I would fade to black. How are you going to be falling for me but not be bothered with meeting me? That doesn’t make any sense. Whatever you do, don’t let him waste your time.

 

[Xavier]

He sounds nutty.

 

[LdyKamz]

He's moving too fast. Exchanging emails without a phone call or a face to face means nothing. Taking down profiles, googling And actually telling you he did these things is a red flag in online dating. Doesn't mean he's a creep or dangerous or anything but I'm telling you things will only get weirder from here.

 

[Damaris.Elle]

Oh, he's nuts.

 

[hopeful]

He sounds nutty.

He's moving too fast. Exchanging emails without a phone call or a face to face means nothing. Taking down profiles, googling And actually telling you he did these things is a red flag in online dating. Doesn't mean he's a creep or dangerous or anything but I'm telling you things will only get weirder from here.

Oh, he's nuts.

Trust yourself OP! I went back and saw you said it felt familiar to you like it did with previous crazy dudes. Bad sign. And you guys have not even exchanged numbers? Maybe throw this one back? Plenty fish in the sea.

 

[DarkJoy]

He's an absolute crazy person. very manipulative already. smacks of the start of emotional abuse, if you're lucky.

 

[IronButterfly]

 

[awhyley]

I would proceed with caution. The paranoid side of me would google as well, just to see what kinds of other content is out there from a guy, but deactivating his profile. Uh uh. Maybe you're supposed to feel flattered, I don't know. Apart of me would be curious to know what he looks like though, but you might want to cut your losses now.

 

[007PMP]

I wouldn’t go so far as to label him based upon his statement because “who” he is as a person is unknown and it’s too soon to judge.

Having said that, him stating he’s taking his profile down would be something I would earmark and pay close attention.

Online dating can be good and bad—I made a 13 year marriage (I divorced him but for reasons that had nothing to do with him or online dating) out of an online date and I’m currently dating someone I met online.

So I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water when it comes to “socially engineered dating”. All it means is you have access to a large number of men at once who may or may not meet your criteria, which subsequently requires you to use more discernment when interacting with them. You should become more observant of their actions vs. their words (and mentally audit them).

 

[C@ssandr@]

I wouldn’t go so far as to label him based upon his statement because “who” he is as a person is unknown and it’s too soon to judge.

Having said that, him stating he’s taking his profile down would be something I would earmark and pay close attention.

Online dating can be good and bad—I made a 13 year marriage (I divorced him but for reasons that had nothing to do with him or online dating) out of an online date and I’m currently dating someone I met online.

So I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water when it comes to “socially engineered dating”. All it means is you have access to a large number of men at once who may or may not meet your criteria, which subsequently requires you to use more discernment when interacting with them. You should become more observant of their actions vs. their words (and mentally audit them).

^^^ Alladis

It doesn't matter what his issue is. You don't know him. The questions you should be asking yourself are" what do my instincts tell me/how do I feel about this?" And, "is he crossing any of my personal boundaries?" Diagnosing him is unnecessary.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

I've had plenty of men online say they're going to deactivate their profile because we met. I've had even more deactivate them because we met and didn't tell me at all. I had a man make a new profile and all it said was "Seeking (insert my screenname here)".

I like dating and free stuff so I guess that wouldn't really bother me. It would bother me more if he was asking me if I was going to deactivate my profile too. When I was actively dating, I went on any date that sounded fun. Didn't matter if I wasn't really feeling them like that. Maybe that would change, maybe not. But at least I would've had some leftovers for lunch the next day.

 

[TinyBlu]

UPDATE: I went with my gut, and decided not to contact the guy again.

I had initially planned to implement a "cooling off" period where I didn't email him or respond to his emails to see how he would react followed by a cleverly worded email not only wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving but letting him know that I didn't mind him leaving up his profile, that I would not be taking mine down, and to slow down...

But then I thought that I was doing WAY too much for someone I hadn't even met.

BTW, he started sending me these pics of excerpts he'd found about our astrological sign compatibility all of which said that we would have a successful romance.

Ummm yeah... too much, too soon. RUN FORREST RUN!!!!

 

[lavaflow99]

UPDATE: I went with my gut, and decided not to contact the guy again.

I had initially planned to implement a "cooling off" period where I didn't email him or respond to his emails to see how he would react followed by a cleverly worded email not only wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving but letting him know that I didn't mind him leaving up his profile, that I would not be taking mine down, and to slow down...

But then I thought that I was doing WAY too much for someone I hadn't even met.

BTW, he started sending me these pics of excerpts he'd found about our astrological sign compatibility all of which said that we would have a successful romance.

Ummm yeah... too much, too soon. RUN FORREST RUN!!!!

Yikes! Bullet dodged!!

Classic example of you establishing your boundaries, recognizing that those boundaries were being threatened of being crossed, and chucking deuces. Then he showed his true colors right on cue.

Next!!

 

[007PMP]

UPDATE: I went with my gut, and decided not to contact the guy again.

I had initially planned to implement a "cooling off" period where I didn't email him or respond to his emails to see how he would react followed by a cleverly worded email not only wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving but letting him know that I didn't mind him leaving up his profile, that I would not be taking mine down, and to slow down...

But then I thought that I was doing WAY too much for someone I hadn't even met.

BTW, he started sending me these pics of excerpts he'd found about our astrological sign compatibility all of which said that we would have a successful romance.

Ummm yeah... too much, too soon. RUN FORREST RUN!!!!

Do you think it would be a good practice to communicate to him that based upon his actions and how you interpreted them, that you have decided not to get to know him?

It sounds like by you going off your gut, you took a position and have made a decision about not proceeding. The other side of this is that HE is going to be left in the dark without any idea as to why you’ve decided to ghost him. Yes youve establishes boundaries but what good are they if the other person a) isn’t aware of them and b) how they crossed them which resulted in you taking a position.

IMO I would approach this as you would interviewing someone who you decided not to extend a job offer: courtesy notification stating your decision, why you made it, and wishing them success in the future.

It’s okay to be direct and tell a person what it is.

 

[hopeful]

Good for you OP! Keep it moving and keep us updated. He was playin’ too much. Talking about astrology and ish and STILL hadn’t asked you for a date. You owed him nothing.

 

[007PMP]

Good for you OP! Keep it moving and keep us updated. He was playin’ too much. Talking about astrology and ish and STILL hadn’t asked you for a date. You owed him nothing.

IDK hopeful. Is it more about owing someone something or just direct communication? Of course OP has choices, I definitely agree that one of them is to keep it moving.

What I’m seeing are two things:

1) His motives are being speculated
2) there is no communication about the said speculations nor her decision to back away from dealing with him

Avoiding an issue is an option but with silence or zero communication is passive aggressive.

When men get ghost (aka not communicate) on women, it’s labeled as disrespectful, immature (just to name a few), and he would be accused as a poor communicator. So, why is it then acceptable for us to do the same?

If OP doesn’t want to deal with him, cool. But just don’t leave the brotha hanging. Instead she should just tell him she’s not longer interested and to stop contacting her. She doesn’t even have to give a reason, if she doesn’t want to.

Easy peasy.

 

[hopeful]

@007PMP
My thinking is that OP should do what feels best for her. At this point she feels like he is either moving too fast and/or is toying with her. He has not spoken to her voice to voice, asked for her phone number, or asked her out on a date. He is just emailing her. A grown, adult man taking his profile down and he has not even had one phone conversation with her or taken her out on a date? It’s just really weird. I don’t think women have to be nice and polite. She doesn’t even really know dude. If they had gone out on a few dates I would agree with you. I think women spend too much time caring about men’s feelings. This dude is probably emailing a dozen women and hoping one of them falls for the “I took my profile down” spiel.

He’s wasting her time. Sure she could say something. I’m not saying she should or shouldn’t. But if she doesn’t feel like it I don’t blame her one bit.

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

UPDATE: I went with my gut, and decided not to contact the guy again.

I had initially planned to implement a "cooling off" period where I didn't email him or respond to his emails to see how he would react followed by a cleverly worded email not only wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving but letting him know that I didn't mind him leaving up his profile, that I would not be taking mine down, and to slow down...

But then I thought that I was doing WAY too much for someone I hadn't even met.

BTW, he started sending me these pics of excerpts he'd found about our astrological sign compatibility all of which said that we would have a successful romance.

Ummm yeah... too much, too soon. RUN FORREST RUN!!!!

Lol that's too funny! He sounds young. If he is young then he may just be super excited LOL!

But if this is a grown man then NO.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

IDK hopeful. Is it more about owing someone something or just direct communication? Of course OP has choices, I definitely agree that one of them is to keep it moving.

What I’m seeing are two things:

1) His motives are being speculated
2) there is no communication about the said speculations nor her decision to back away from dealing with him

Avoiding an issue is an option but with silence or zero communication is passive aggressive.

When men get ghost (aka not communicate) on women, it’s labeled as disrespectful, immature (just to name a few), and he would be accused as a poor communicator. So, why is it then acceptable for us to do the same?

If OP doesn’t want to deal with him, cool. But just don’t leave the brotha hanging. Instead she should just tell him she’s not longer interested and to stop contacting her. She doesn’t even have to give a reason, if she doesn’t want to.

Easy peasy.

Umm, why waste the energy, Just KIM....

 

[Sosoothing]

@007PMP
My thinking is that OP should do what feels best for her. At this point she feels like he is either moving too fast and/or is toying with her. He has not spoken to her voice to voice, asked for her phone number, or asked her out on a date. He is just emailing her. A grown, adult man taking his profile down and he has not even had one phone conversation with her or taken her out on a date? It’s just really weird. I don’t think women have to by nice and polite. She doesn’t even really know dude. If they had gone out on a few dates I would agree with you. I think women spend too much time caring about men’s feelings. This dude is probably emailing a dozen women and hoping one of them falls for the “I took my profile down” spiel.

He’s wasting her time. Sure she could say something. I’m not saying she should or shouldn’t. But if she doesn’t feel like it I don’t blame her one bit.

I agree. Especially in this case. There isn't an established relationship worth her putting in effort to explain or communicate if she doesn't feel like it.
The OP keeps referring to her gut. We always talk about going with your gut. Is her gut suddenly not good enough? For a grown man who hasn't even been bothered to initiate verbal communication?

(P.S. I have no idea why part of my post's font appears larger.)

 

[hopeful]

...
(P.S. I have no idea why part of my post's font appears larger.)

Haha that’s funny.

 

[TinyBlu]

By the way, homeslice is 44 years old!

@007MP: I did think of sending an explanation "courtesy" email, but having overcome years of codependent behavior, I felt like that would be reverting to my past "people pleasing" tendencies. As another poster pointed out, I don't know this guy, and I took the time to think about why I was considering the feelings of someone whose voice I hadn't even heard. It just seemed counterproductive.

...as for men getting ghost and our reactions to it, if the tables were turned and I would have projected the same behavior, I wouldn't be surprised if a guy laced up his Nikes and hit the road. In fact, in many instances, the whole "clingy", "thirsty" thing sends men the message IMO: I can take advantage of this person because she's needy.

I was that needy girl in the past, and ended up with a very narcissistic guy because he could smell the desperation and my fear of being alone - hence allowing the negative treatment.

This was a good first lesson when putting myself back out there. It at least demonstrated to me that I have grown. I set boundaries and didn't apologize for them. Being excited is one thing, but picking out china patterns after a couple of emails spells disaster.

 

[JFemme]

Mercy @ HomeSlice