This is partly a vent. I need to get this off my chest and if anyone has words of encouragement, I will gladly take them. I know I'll be alright by tomorrow though. I always get over it. But I'm having some serious baby blues right now.
When I got married a few years ago, I had all these ideas about how marriage would be. I knew my husband had a call of ministry on his life. He was faithful in the church, had been since he was about 10. I just knew when we got married, he'd still be faithful and since he'd have a wife(me), probably start preaching. But now he rarely goes to church at all. I'm doing good to get him to listen to tapes, gospel music, and he does not seem to want to pray with me.
Before I got married, I lived alone, but was satisfied with my friends, family, my relationship with God, and my activity in church, and I loved my job too by the way. But I did get lonely sometimes being at the house by myself and not always having available friends since they had families to tend to. I thought that once I got married, I would have someone to share my life with and I would not be lonely anymore. Well, I got married and moved a few miles away to his house where he already was living. It was only a few miles away, but not exactly down the street around the corner. Suddenly I was isolated from everyone. This person who used to work long hours before we got married, but still would go out of his way to come see me, no longer had time for me. I hardly saw him and I was right there at the house. I'd cook and expect him home. He'd come hours later and wouldn't eat. I never knew when he was or wasn't going to be available. When he wasn't working then he'd be with friends doing his hobby. I was so lonely, I got my cat so I could have some company. I told the DH several times how I still felt single because I was still by myself. Just...I was more lonely than ever because I didn't have my friends or family.
So, now I'm dealing with not having an attentive husband and not being able to have a baby. Sometimes I think if I had a baby, I wouldn't care if my DH weren't around. Yesterday at church I saw all the newly married couples with their babies and some so happy to be pregnant for the first time. It was like a kick in the face. I just wanted to be happy for them, but it was such a reminder of the raw deal I got. I'm married and still at church by myself looking at the married couples with their babies. I rarely ask this question of God, but I'm wondering "What did I do to deserve this?" This is worse than having cancer. For years I have dedicated myself to work, church, God, and believing that one day things would turn out well for me (nice home, children, good husband). When I saw others having OOW babies, I comforted myself in knowing I was doing the right thing by remaining abstinent until I married. Now I can't even have a baby at all naturally. Some of these girls with the OOW babies went on to get married and even have good husbands now. This really makes me question myself and wonder was it worth it. My life is so much worse now that I'm married. I was better off single and it still seems that I depend on my dad too much, which is not fair to him since I'm supposed to have this husband.
My vent is over. I'll be alright. Just tell me it'll get better.
When I got married a few years ago, I had all these ideas about how marriage would be. I knew my husband had a call of ministry on his life. He was faithful in the church, had been since he was about 10. I just knew when we got married, he'd still be faithful and since he'd have a wife(me), probably start preaching. But now he rarely goes to church at all. I'm doing good to get him to listen to tapes, gospel music, and he does not seem to want to pray with me.
Before I got married, I lived alone, but was satisfied with my friends, family, my relationship with God, and my activity in church, and I loved my job too by the way. But I did get lonely sometimes being at the house by myself and not always having available friends since they had families to tend to. I thought that once I got married, I would have someone to share my life with and I would not be lonely anymore. Well, I got married and moved a few miles away to his house where he already was living. It was only a few miles away, but not exactly down the street around the corner. Suddenly I was isolated from everyone. This person who used to work long hours before we got married, but still would go out of his way to come see me, no longer had time for me. I hardly saw him and I was right there at the house. I'd cook and expect him home. He'd come hours later and wouldn't eat. I never knew when he was or wasn't going to be available. When he wasn't working then he'd be with friends doing his hobby. I was so lonely, I got my cat so I could have some company. I told the DH several times how I still felt single because I was still by myself. Just...I was more lonely than ever because I didn't have my friends or family.
So, now I'm dealing with not having an attentive husband and not being able to have a baby. Sometimes I think if I had a baby, I wouldn't care if my DH weren't around. Yesterday at church I saw all the newly married couples with their babies and some so happy to be pregnant for the first time. It was like a kick in the face. I just wanted to be happy for them, but it was such a reminder of the raw deal I got. I'm married and still at church by myself looking at the married couples with their babies. I rarely ask this question of God, but I'm wondering "What did I do to deserve this?" This is worse than having cancer. For years I have dedicated myself to work, church, God, and believing that one day things would turn out well for me (nice home, children, good husband). When I saw others having OOW babies, I comforted myself in knowing I was doing the right thing by remaining abstinent until I married. Now I can't even have a baby at all naturally. Some of these girls with the OOW babies went on to get married and even have good husbands now. This really makes me question myself and wonder was it worth it. My life is so much worse now that I'm married. I was better off single and it still seems that I depend on my dad too much, which is not fair to him since I'm supposed to have this husband.
My vent is over. I'll be alright. Just tell me it'll get better.
We know that God is not a respector of persons (Rom 2:11 "For God does not show favoritism). We know that he is not a man and that he cannot lie (Num 23:19 Numbers 23:19 
I stand in agreement with the ladies that have responded. 
salm 20
