Need advice

[JewelleNY]

Hi ladies,

I have a friend who has been seeing a guy for almost a year. He has so much of what she has been looking for with one main problem. She is not physically attracted to him. She does find him attractive but he is somewhat overweight, man boobs and belly, and sometimes has breath issues that turn her off.

Otherwise, he wants very much to marry her, loves her, does anything she asks. He has a great job and they like to do the same things. They seem to have fun together and she wonders if she could grow to be attracted to him.

I think no, it will not develop, but I wanted to pose the question here. She is older (39) and may not find all of the other traits in a guy at this point.

What do you guys think?

 

[DarkJoy]

Oh dear. He could lose the moobs. And the halitosis could be fixed with diet and seeing a doc or dentist. But idk. She might still not be attracted to him. And if she doesn't have romantic feelings now she never will. She prolly should break up. That is if she is more into romance than being practical.

Btw, IM 39 too and can say no one finds 100 of what they want at any age.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

How's da sex? I can't even imagine some fat dude wif breath dat smell like hot trash, laying on top of me wif his boobs smackin me cross my face.

Iono chile...... Im big on hygiene so a man wif tits and hot bref is a dealbreaker for me. Hell, if would do anything for her, why dont she tell him to lose weight and clean his system out cuz he bref stink. He'll do it. Don't nobody wanna lay up wif dat til death do them part....

 

[Middle]

That breath thing... Ionno.

I would never encourage a woman to stay with a man who has hot breath. This can't be life. It just can't be.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

How's da sex? I can't even imagine some fat dude wif breath dat smell like hot trash, laying on top of me wif his boobs smackin me cross my face.

Iono chile...... Im big on hygiene so a man wif tits and hot bref is a dealbreaker for me. Hell, if would do anything for her, why dont she tell him to lose weight and clean his system out cuz he bref stink. He'll do it. Don't nobody wanna lay up wif dat til death do them part....

I cant.....

 

[C@ssandr@]

In what "condition" did she find him? Is this a new issue?

If they're a year in and she's not attracted to him by now, then she might need to move on.

 

[Son26]

Not attracted to him.....nah I couldn't do it. I have to find my husband physically attractive - can't imagine marrying someone and not being physically attracted to them. Physical attraction is actually the first thing on my "list".

 

[sylver2]

was she ever attracted to him? if not and its been a year..its time to go

 

[JewelleNY]

How's da sex? I can't even imagine some fat dude wif breath dat smell like hot trash, laying on top of me wif his boobs smackin me cross my face.

Iono chile...... Im big on hygiene so a man wif tits and hot bref is a dealbreaker for me. Hell, if would do anything for her, why dont she tell him to lose weight and clean his system out cuz he bref stink. He'll do it. Don't nobody wanna lay up wif dat til death do them part....

I told her don't do it but maybe she could try to talk to him about these things first? I've found that overweight men tend to get heavier as they age, it's like they stop caring as much

 

[JewelleNY]

In what "condition" did she find him? Is this a new issue?

If they're a year in and she's not attracted to him by now, then she might need to move on.

She said he he was overweight at first and seemed to gain weight as they have been dating, he tells her he goes to boot camp three days a week but the proof is not in the pudding. She thought he might be getting more fit as he used to be thinner but it isn't happening.

 

[JewelleNY]

was she ever attracted to him? if not and its been a year..its time to go

They met online and his body pics were a couple years old and he seems to hide the weight well under his clothes. The moobs and belly are only evident under the clothing. She said she was very surprised but he is so nice and has a nice face but the sexual chemistry is not getting any better. Plus, the breath came up recently and has only made things worse. She really wants to make it work because she is tired of being single. I worry she will have a disappointing life but it is her choice.

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

How's da sex? I can't even imagine some fat dude wif breath dat smell like hot trash, laying on top of me wif his boobs smackin me cross my face.

Iono chile...... Im big on hygiene so a man wif tits and hot bref is a dealbreaker for me. Hell, if would do anything for her, why dont she tell him to lose weight and clean his system out cuz he bref stink. He'll do it. Don't nobody wanna lay up wif dat til death do them part....

I'm gonna need the mods to put up a disclaimer that says there is a ThatJerseyGirl post coming up so I can know to stop sipping or eating before I read it so I don't choke to death one day. I never look at the poster's name first but every time I'm about to die laughing I can just about guess it's this poster.

This sign should do.

 

[Leesh]

Yall know yall can come up wit some thangs to say...
Im dyin right now.

Especially that keyawarren..."Did she find him that way?"...SM daggon H.

 

[LivingInPeace]

If she's not physically attracted to him after a year, she's not going to be. If he loses weight and uses some mouthwash it might happen. I can't see being with a man I found sexually unappealing unless he had a lot of money. Like Bill Gates money.

 

[Bublin]

clean his system out

That is dred ThatJerseyGirl

 

[Evolving78]

he can be fixed! just get him to start working out, get his breath in order. hopefully after all of her hard work, he won't start feeling himself!

i don't know, he sounds like a really good guy and it is getting harder out here. i'm not saying she should settle, but she needs to figure out what is most important. and she should just be honest with her man. get him to the dentist and keep Altoids on deck! get him to start eating better.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

If she's not attracted after a year I don't think she's going to be. Being overweight and bad breath are legit deal breakers. I'm big on hygiene, not up for being smashed/crushed during coloring and I'd be weary of having children with someone with weight issues. But it's not like these things can't be fixed. Bad breath and weight can be rectified. My question is why has she stayed with him this long? I personally couldn't be with someone for a year and be turned off like this.erplexed

 

[ambergirl]

I know a couple of women who married men so physically unattractive they made my eyes hurt. Couldn't be me but the ones I'm thinking about are still married.

All depends on what your nonnegotiables are. She's been sleeping with him for a year so are his looks really a nonnegotiable for her? Personally I couldn't let someone I found that unattractive hit it even once.

 

[Funmiloves]

I agree that after a year, with all the 'positive' and yet she's not physically attracted to him, she needs to move on. It's hard out there, but she shouldn't focus on her age, if not she will 'settle', only for her to regret it later.

 

[VelvetRain]

Women really need to stop settling. Never settle for less than you deserve.

 

[Makenzie]

These issues can be fixed. Has she spoken to him about them? If she has and nothing has changed, I say let him go.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Personally I couldn't let someone I found that unattractive hit it even once.

THIS..... truth right there.

 

[Reinventing21]

She has nothing to lose and everything to gain if she is just straight up, hardcore honest with him about it. Those things are fixable, and if he loves her and himself, he will comply. Getting in shape together/ working out can bring people closer. if he is not open to it tho, then bye!

 

[kikigirl]

^^^You can hardly change bad character traits, but people can learn how to exercise and take care of their health, especially if they have support from a spouse/SO.

I know a lady that initially had doubts about dating her now DH because of halitosis. It turned out that homeboy wasn't brushing his tongue/didn't know it was part of the brushing routine. Just adopting that took away the breath issue.

She has to be honest with him, not in a hurtful way, but tell him that she cares about him, but is worried about attraction fading with time/not being strong enough if he were to remain in his current physical shape. This I've seen too. Men finally taking charge and losing the beer gut/flab with their sweeties, and later, being thankful that the woman told them WHY they had doubts instead of leaving with some lame excuse.

You can always work with a "pretty face" (one that you find appealing) and some excess weight that can be lost. A fit man with a ***** face is harder to deal with IMO.

 

[JewelleNY]

According to her, they have not been intimate often, for obvious reasons. She is afraid of hurting his feelings by bringing up the weight and breath issues as he seems to be one of these sensitive types.

I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation but she has to make a choice she can live with. What if this guy never loses the weight and the breath is a frequent issue? My step-father had the worst breath ever and it never improved Long trips were the worst with mom giving him gum back to back and keeping the windows open erplexed

Plus, if there is no attraction now, how would they sustain the relationship while he works on these things, assuming he will?

 

[kikigirl]

According to her, they have not been intimate often, for obvious reasons. She is afraid of hurting his feelings by bringing up the weight and breath issues as he seems to be one of these sensitive types.

I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation but she has to make a choice she can live with. What if this guy never loses the weight and the breath is a frequent issue? My step-father had the worst breath ever and it never improved Long trips were the worst with mom giving him gum back to back and keeping the windows open erplexed

Plus, if there is no attraction now, how would they sustain the relationship while he works on these things, assuming he will?

Yes, bad breath/body odor issues are no joke!

I guess the bottom line is: what can she put up with? A) halitosis and unappealing appearance (for the foreseeable future) or B) being single again?

She should have the talk with him if she is willing to risk B. She must accept that he may refuse to change a few things, or may be upset enough to break things off himself.

If I were her, I'd have a talk with him. As is, she is not comfortable in the relationship, and it will probably get harder as time passes, and the same issues remain. Knowing myself, I'd get bitter abs resentful over time, which would translate into me being a terrible partner to him.

A big red flag is already there (not wanting physical closeness). Once they get married (if they do), it will likely only get worse. She will see him "at his most unappealing moments" as married folks do.

People wildly attracted to each other can be turned off by the nitty-gritty of their SO's bodily "stuff". If you aren't attracted to someone to begin with

Your friend and her guy both deserve to be with people who love them and are attracted to them. Rationalizing attraction--especially with a hurdle like physical hygiene--is a recipe for disaster.

 

[VelvetRain]

I'm sorry but all the back and forth here questions are really amusing. I repeat again. Why is she settling? I would be alone for the rest of my natural life than settle for something or someone I don't want. Looks like it's time for sista girl to do some self reflection and pinpoint as to why she is so desperate to make this work.

Is it that hard out here to find a decent guy who has good breath and is height and weight proportionate? Women always contempating settling when they know damn well the same man would not be settling if she had the above issues. Some us need to do better and get our mind right.

 

[firecracker]

This is a freaking no brainer unless he is bankrolling her life. Gotdamn man tittieballz AND bad breath!!!! Hell to the nawl!!! Run Forest Run!!!

 

[JewelleNY]

This is a freaking no brainer unless he is bankrolling her life. Gotdamn man tittieballz AND bad breath!!!! Hell to the nawl!!! Run Forest Run!!!

 

[Evolving78]

I'm sorry but all the back and forth here questions are really amusing. I repeat again. Why is she settling? I would be alone for the rest of my natural life than settle for something or someone I don't want. Looks like it's time for sista girl to do some self reflection and pinpoint as to why she is so desperate to make this work.

Is it that hard out here to find a decent guy who has good breath and is height and weight proportionate? Women always contempating settling when they know damn well the same man would not be settling if she had the above issues. Some us need to do better and get our mind right.

why is she settling if he is a good guy? all she has to do and tell him his weight and breath are a turn off! if he don't change, then she should bounce. i don't think anyone is saying she should settle. we are just saying, she should be honest. she has nothing to lose, only to gain either way.

remember that scene from Why Did I Get Married? jill scott's character kept knocking herself down about her weight. dude told her that it made him feel uncomfortable and if she was unhappy, she should do something about it. instead of just kicking her to the curb, a brother worked with her and she was willing to do the work.