my insecurity is messing up my friendships/relationships!

[Freespirit02]

Despite my screen name, I have suffered from extreme low self-esteem and insecurities all my life. I was teased as a kid and the impact never left me. As an adult I've always received compliments about how pretty I was..i suppose i suffered from the (ugly duckling/swan) syndrome. I never see myself is pretty..not even average.
Anyway, I just got married to a very sweet man..who tells me every ten seconds how beautiful and smart i am. But i never believe it. I constantly look around to see if there are any beautiful women around bc i'm afraid he will look..even though he never really does. I'm super jealous and I won't even introduce him to any of my female friends.
As far as friendships..i haven't be able to keep female friends bc of my negativity and lack of self esteem. I never want to do anything because the way I look. I'm always defensive and insecure.
I really want to change, because i don't want to lose all my friends and/or my husband because of my self-esteem issues. It's destroying my life..and i sometimes slip into depression because of my weight and my appearance. Has anyone gone through this?? I need help..

 

[softblackcotton]

WOW story of my life! Well look on the bright side you are married and you have a loving husband. I am 25 and I still never even had a boyfriend. Guys don't even acknowledge me anymore since I'm super dark and since I've gone natural. Well some guys look at me but don't really approach unless they are old, old men or ghetto, rude, and just messed up. Even though I have loving parents, family, and friends. When it comes to love and dating, I feel totally, totally ugly and unattractive like I will never get married to a guy I actually want. See someone always has it worst off than you. Find some solace in that.

 

[Freespirit02]

Me and you are the same age. I don't understand why color has anything to do with beauty.

 

[nique3]

I used to be very insecure too, but then I realized oneday that God loved me and He made me very special. He took His time to create each and everyone of us, so we should take pride in that. Also, I realized that EVERYONE is different, there is always someone who is prettier, smarter, lighter/darker than you. So it's just better to focus ON THE QUALITIES THAT MAKE YOU UNIQUE and DEVELOPE THEM. Looks aren't everything and quite honestly when people are insecure and focused on superfical things like looks, it seems a bit self centered to me. Try focusing on something other than yourself, then maybe you wouldn't have so much time to ALWAYS think about how someone looks or your looks. I'm not trying to be mean, because I have experienced this before and know what it took for me to get out of the insecure stage. Develope who you are on the inside, and that's where true confidence and beauty are.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Despite my screen name, I have suffered from extreme low self-esteem and insecurities all my life. I was teased as a kid and the impact never left me. As an adult I've always received compliments about how pretty I was..i suppose i suffered from the (ugly duckling/swan) syndrome. I never see myself is pretty..not even average.
Anyway, I just got married to a very sweet man..who tells me every ten seconds how beautiful and smart i am. But i never believe it. I constantly look around to see if there are any beautiful women around bc i'm afraid he will look..even though he never really does. I'm super jealous and I won't even introduce him to any of my female friends.
As far as friendships..i haven't be able to keep female friends bc of my negativity and lack of self esteem. I never want to do anything because the way I look. I'm always defensive and insecure.
I really want to change, because i don't want to lose all my friends and/or my husband because of my self-esteem issues. It's destroying my life..and i sometimes slip into depression because of my weight and my appearance. Has anyone gone through this?? I need help..

We all have insecurities but you cannot let it get the best of you. My last relationship ended because of my insecurities amongst other things. I know it is hard at times to love yourself but trust me it is when you love yourself first that others will love you. You are married and that is a blessing, you obviously have qualities that made you appealing as a wife. Listen to your husband and believe you are beautiful. If there are things you are unhappy with then work on them. If it is weight then go to the gym and start eating right. There are many ways we can improve ourselves in the looks department but know that you are beautiful only if you believe it, so start believing it.

 

[softblackcotton]

Me and you are the same age. I don't understand why color has anything to do with beauty.

Well, I understand that I would feel more beautiful if I were much lighter with a different hair type. I would keep my same face and body. That's it. I still feel you are so lucky. You are married to a great man. That's something that eludes more black women than not.

 

[Mai Tai]

99.99% of confidence comes from what you say to yourself. It is very important for you to change the negative "self-talk" into positive "self-talk".

Everytime a negative thought creeps into your mind simply say to yourself..."NO! That is not true!" then follow up with a positive thought about yourself.

I know it sounds corny, but it really works. I to was teased relentlessly as a child, and this is what helped me. It may feel funny at first, but after a while, the negativity will fade, and you will start to think very highly of yourself.

Hope this helps...

 

[Mitre]

I was teased as a child, and I relate to your comment. As an adult, I came to realize that people who make those comments are insecure themselves.

 

[Strangefruittree]

99.99% of confidence comes from what you say to yourself. It is very important for you to change the negative "self-talk" into positive "self-talk".

Everytime a negative thought creeps into your mind simply say to yourself..."NO! That is not true!" then follow up with a positive thought about yourself.

I know it sounds corny, but it really works. I to was teased relentlessly as a child, and this is what helped me. It may feel funny at first, but after a while, the negativity will fade, and you will start to think very highly of yourself.

Hope this helps...

AKA Stinking thinking... beating yourself up before someone gets to the punch.... My family life and growing up was like this and then it translated into me allowing men to treat me ill.... all the while im picking it up myself treating myself like dirt, stopping myself before i can start...

On a Ron Artest note... lol Shout outs to my therapist.... She is the best... she helps me with my stinking thinking, self esteem, anxiety and relaxtion... makes it so that i can be a WAY better me....

 

[chocolat79]

I've been there too as I think a lot of women have. But I can honestly say that actually being on this forum has been a positive for me. And I say that because it addresses all topics on here, there are plenty of successful women, married/engaged/single women who are bettering themselves and whatnot. If you feel uncomfortable with your weight, go to the Health/Fitness forum...I have lost 40 lbs and I feel great! I found the way to lose that weight in that forum. Have skin issues? Don't know how to apply makeup? What to know what looks good on you? Go to the Makeup/skin forum or fashion forum. Also, got fired from my job back in November, guess what helped me through? A post in the career/financial forum allowed me to make extra money FROM HOME to pay my bills.

I'm saying all that to say this, you are in the right place for improvement, externally. Now, you need to work on improvement internally. And though this may not be much solace, I always try to think of ways it could be worse, for me. Like, for instance, I have acne, BUT at least I still consider myself relatively pretty, but what if I was burned really bad or was disfigured or some other horrendous facial defect? I then remember that my acne isn't so bad and it IS controllable.

For me, my boost came when I changed my appearance to something I was/am happy with. So, now I'm good. Am a stunner? I still don't think that, but I get compliments from men and women and I'm good with myself at the end of the day.

You need to decide why you feel that way and what would it take for you to feel better about yourself. Work on those things..start out small and gradually get to the harder things.

Also, you may want to consider therapy. Nothing wrong with it...just get whatever help you need. Low self-esteem is a turn-off and you obviously have some good qualities because someone put a ring on it! You don't want to talk your DH into believing the same thing as you. It gets tiring trying to convince someone of their self-worth. So do it for yourself and your marriage.

 

[EccentricRed]

Despite my screen name, I have suffered from extreme low self-esteem and insecurities all my life. I was teased as a kid and the impact never left me. As an adult I've always received compliments about how pretty I was..i suppose i suffered from the (ugly duckling/swan) syndrome. I never see myself is pretty..not even average.
Anyway, I just got married to a very sweet man..who tells me every ten seconds how beautiful and smart i am. But i never believe it. I constantly look around to see if there are any beautiful women around bc i'm afraid he will look..even though he never really does. I'm super jealous and I won't even introduce him to any of my female friends.
As far as friendships..i haven't be able to keep female friends bc of my negativity and lack of self esteem. I never want to do anything because the way I look. I'm always defensive and insecure.
I really want to change, because i don't want to lose all my friends and/or my husband because of my self-esteem issues. It's destroying my life..and i sometimes slip into depression because of my weight and my appearance. Has anyone gone through this?? I need help..

Been there...many times. Accept, I have NO husband or nothing close. Girl, you are Blessed to have someone who can bypass your insecurities and is will to spend the rest of his life with you. That's a beautiful thing! Believe him! There are beautiful things in you, you have to find them and remind yourself every single day. When you say something negative about yourself, charge yourself 25 cents. For every negative statement you make, force yourself to make a positive one without your husbands help.

Well, I understand that I would feel more beautiful if I were much lighter with a different hair type. I would keep my same face and body. That's it. I still feel you are so lucky. You are married to a great man. That's something that eludes more black women than not.

I'm going to stop you right there Miss! From what I am told, I am the ideal...lightskinned, curly hair, tall, and shapely enough. Don't be fooled by the packaging! Don't believe the grass is greener. I have had self esteem issues as well! We all have insecurities! I don't believe in an "ideal" woman. Both of my best friends are 5'2" and darkskinned with short natural hair. Both of them are beautiful women, who have never had a problem catching a brotha! Enjoy being brown, girl! (You won't have to EVER hear lightbright or whitegirl! ) BLACK...is beautiful.

I have a very beautiful friend. She's a little bit shorter than me, lightskinned (biracial), with BSL (that she cut from MBL) hair that waves up with she wets it. When I go places with her she is instantly the center of attention. (I had one night where one dude walked right in between me and her in the club, and stepped on my foot in addition.I felt Grrrreat afterwards...) Anytime I bring her around my male friends they immediately try to date her. Everytime I kick it with her I feel like Eviline (the wicked witch of the west in the Wiz). I remember I felt like crap for the whole week afterwards. My friends were telling me that I was pretty and blah blah blah, I just didn't believe it. But wouldnt you know...my girl has self esteem issues, too? She doesn't like her weight, (she's not THAT big) and talks about herself on a regular. We ALL go through these things.