My children say end the marriage

H

Hot Chocolate

New Member
Help how do I handle this one? After my husband ended an affair, he came to me and our 2 daughters ages 17 and 24 and apologized and agreed to seek counseling and to work on our marriage. However our daughters don't share that response and would really like for dad just to go away. They are also frustrated with me for staying with him. In some ways I feel torn between my husband of 28 years and my kids.
 
you didn't marry your kids....they are practically grown and should just about be out the house anyway.

if you want to sit down and discuss with hubby do so, but don't deny him just because your kids said to.

they have their own issues with their FATHER that is separate from your issues with your HUSBAND
 
your kids are hurt and disappointed in their father. Maybe family therapy would be good?
 
amerikan said:
your kids are hurt and disappointed in their father. Maybe family therapy would be good?
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This sounds good. Although you did marry your husband, his actions ruined your family. If anything, if I think you should explain to yoru daughters why you are staying with him. Not that you owe them an explanation, but just so that they can know where you are coming from.

How did your daughters find out about it anyway?
 
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It's your decision and yours alone. Stay because you want to not because someone else says something about it. Your kids are grown (well one is almost) and they have their own lives to live and so do you. They love you and they don't want to see you hurt. Ultimately you are the one who has to live with your choice so make it for you and no one else.
 
If my father ever cheated on my mom, I'd tell her to dump his sorry butt too. I understand how your daughters feel, they love you so much and are enraged at his betrayal.

But they can't dictate how you live your life. You have to live it for yourself, not for your grown children.

If you want to work on your marriage, that's your decision.
But your husband will have to work extremly hard to make this up to you and to your daughters.

Good luck, and please get some kind of counseling.
 
envybeauty said:
you didn't marry your kids....they are practically grown and should just about be out the house anyway.

if you want to sit down and discuss with hubby do so, but don't deny him just because your kids said to.

they have their own issues with their FATHER that is separate from your issues with your HUSBAND
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@ the bolded: Just because they are out of the house does not mean they will not be affected by their parents marriage. I've been out of the house for almost 7 years and my parents dysfunctional marriage still affects me on a regular basis.

OP I think family therapy might be a good idea...
 
Ms. Plain Jane said:
This sounds good. Although you did marry your husband, his actions ruined your family. If anything, if I think you should explain to yoru daughters why you are staying with him. Not that you owe them an explanation, but just so that they can know where you are coming from.

How did your daughters find out about it anyway?
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My youngest overheard the conversation and she told her sister then both of us talked to them separately and the together.
 
This is a tough one now that your two daughters know about the affair. You have to keep in mind that this will affect their relationship with men, too. Considering that they are grown, you can't sugarcoat anything like you do with children therefore it makes it even harder to explain to them why you decide to stay. They may understand or may feel betrayed by you. It's bad enough their father betrayed them.

Now keep in mind, when one of them gets married and finds out that her husband cheated, let's say you tell her to leave him. What do you look like saying that to them when you stayed with your husband yourself? Understand what I'm saying? They may throw a lot of things up in your face. In other words, you can't tell them nothing. That's what they will say.

I say get family counseling TOGETHER because this is going to be a problem when they come to you for marriage advice in the future.
 
Hot Chocolate said:
Help how do I handle this one? After my husband ended an affair, he came to me and our 2 daughters ages 17 and 24 and apologized and agreed to seek counseling and to work on our marriage. However our daughters don't share that response and would really like for dad just to go away. They are also frustrated with me for staying with him. In some ways I feel torn between my husband of 28 years and my kids.
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I'm sorry about this :bighug:

Not to pry, but did your husband confess to you, or did you find out about it, confront him and then he admitted to it. I definitely think you and he should do individual and marriage counseling and then family counseling! This is not going to be an overnight journey, but with dedication and God all things are possible IMO.

I think that your daughters will be affected by this for a long time, but I think someday they will realize that their father is ONE man, not every man on the planet, and even though he hurt you, he is still their father!
 
Whatever you choose to do, do it fully. Do your daughters a favor and don't discuss their fathers continued shortcomings especially if you decide to stay with him. There is nothing more frustrating to a child than to hear about a parents faults and be helpless to do anything about them.
 
Hot Chocolate said:
Help how do I handle this one? After my husband ended an affair, he came to me and our 2 daughters ages 17 and 24 and apologized and agreed to seek counseling and to work on our marriage. However our daughters don't share that response and would really like for dad just to go away. They are also frustrated with me for staying with him. In some ways I feel torn between my husband of 28 years and my kids.
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This is exactly why offspring (whether adult or child) should not know their parent's business and why I don't think people should get involved in their parent's marriage.
 
I am of the opininon that children really have no say in their parent's love life. And they should not affect the decision you make regarding your marriage. Their point of view is very different from yours and although they are grown, they aren't grown enough to understand what it means to have a long marriage behind them.

From now on, I think you will do better leaving them out of the discussion and not discuss the matter further with them, until you let them know what you and your husband have decided for the future.

Regarding your husband - how do you feel? It doesn't sound as if you are fully ready to end the marriage just yet. Please don't make any quick decisions, but don't be afraid to let him be worried about the future. He made this choice and knew what might happen if he did. You should only listen to yourself in this matter. Was this a one-time thing or an on-going affair? Has there been numerous affairs in the past? You might decide that you want to continue the marriage, end it or just work on it for a while and see what happens. You don't have to let anyone know what you want to do until you're ready.

I think the advice on counselling is great, but I think you should do it alone and with your husband. IMO your daughters should not be involved in the discussion of whether you and your husband should stay married or not. It's really not their decision.
 
FlowerHair said:
I am of the opininon that children really have no say in their parent's love life. And they should not affect the decision you make regarding your marriage. Their point of view is very different from yours and although they are grown, they aren't grown enough to understand what it means to have a long marriage behind them.

From now on, I think you will do better leaving them out of the discussion and not discuss the matter further with them, until you let them know what you and your husband have decided for the future.

Regarding your husband - how do you feel? It doesn't sound as if you are fully ready to end the marriage just yet. Please don't make any quick decisions, but don't be afraid to let him be worried about the future. He made this choice and knew what might happen if he did. You should only listen to yourself in this matter. Was this a one-time thing or an on-going affair? Has there been numerous affairs in the past? You might decide that you want to continue the marriage, end it or just work on it for a while and see what happens. You don't have to let anyone know what you want to do until you're ready.

I think the advice on counselling is great, but I think you should do it alone and with your husband. IMO your daughters should not be involved in the discussion of whether you and your husband should stay married or not. It's really not their decision.
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:yep::yep::yep:

And as a side note I can bet that one of your daughters will go through a similar sitaution like this once they become married. Im not saying that it bound to happen but if it does, one of them will at least understand what u went through and what ur faced with.
 
Honey6928215 said:
This is a tough one now that your two daughters know about the affair. You have to keep in mind that this will affect their relationship with men, too. Considering that they are grown, you can't sugarcoat anything like you do with children therefore it makes it even harder to explain to them why you decide to stay. They may understand or may feel betrayed by you. It's bad enough their father betrayed them.

Now keep in mind, when one of them gets married and finds out that her husband cheated, let's say you tell her to leave him. What do you look like saying that to them when you stayed with your husband yourself? Understand what I'm saying? They may throw a lot of things up in your face. In other words, you can't tell them nothing. That's what they will say.

I say get family counseling TOGETHER because this is going to be a problem when they come to you for marriage advice in the future.
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and on that same token they will understand how its not a cut and dry situation to just up and leave either. one usually doesnt understand until they themselves are in the situation.
 
I think family cousenling as someone suggested is a good idea. While it's better not to involve them the marriage business..they know now so it has to be dealt with. He did something wrong and I think their response is very natural. You can't walk around and pretend that everything is A-OK when it's not. They will be bitter towards both of you for a bit but hopefully with counseling it can be resolved.
 
ClassyND said:
This is exactly why offspring (whether adult or child) should not know their parent's business and why I don't think people should get involved in their parent's marriage.
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I agree w/ this and wish that I didn't have certain details about my parents' marraige.
But since I do, I have an opinion about it.

Same thing w/ the OP's daughters.
 
tmichelle said:
Whatever you choose to do, do it fully. Do your daughters a favor and don't discuss their fathers continued shortcomings especially if you decide to stay with him. There is nothing more frustrating to a child than to hear about a parents faults and be helpless to do anything about them.
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Tha exact same thing I was thinking. If you decide to stay with him, keep your daughters completely out of the relationship with your husband, especially if he decides to keep up the same behavior.
 
MahoganyButtafly said:
@ the bolded: Just because they are out of the house does not mean they will not be affected by their parents marriage. I've been out of the house for almost 7 years and my parents dysfunctional marriage still affects me on a regular basis.

OP I think family therapy might be a good idea...
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if she got back together with him because of the "kids" (as a lot of women like to reason) she should consider if the kids are grown AND practically on their own. her getting back with him would mean dealing with him.......and him alone when the kids are not there. is she willing to handle that......

most people still have contact with their parents, whether they are married or not. however, as adults on their own (if they are on their own), her kids will be less affected than if they had to live with their parents everyday and be under their parents' rules everyday.

i still maintain that she should not let her childen dictate to her whether or not she gets back with, forgives, or releases her husband.
 
Your kids are grown. Choose what works for you. It is your life now. They will move on with theirs'.

And yes, don't tell them about you and your man's business. Sort things out between the two of you and decide whether to stay or go. If you do stay, family counselling may be a big help.
 
Your children's input is important, but it shouldn't be the determining factor.

You are the one who must look at your marriage of the past 28 years and see if you can give him another chance. If you feel his remorse is genuine, giving another chance is not necessarily bad.

If after being given that one chance to make amends and get it right, he cheats again, then you can divorce with the knowledge that you gave this marriage your best shot. Repeat offenders are not marriage material.
 
envybeauty said:
if she got back together with him because of the "kids" (as a lot of women like to reason) she should consider if the kids are grown AND practically on their own. her getting back with him would mean dealing with him.......and him alone when the kids are not there. is she willing to handle that......

most people still have contact with their parents, whether they are married or not. however, as adults on their own (if they are on their own), her kids will be less affected than if they had to live with their parents everyday and be under their parents' rules everyday.

i still maintain that she should not let her childen dictate to her whether or not she gets back with, forgives, or releases her husband.
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I'm not saying that they should dictate her decision... I was addressing you saying that they're grown and will be gone anyway because it still affects them.
 
they're probably telling you to leave because they've lost all respect for their father. they probably now think you deserve to be with someone better because they love you and want the best for you. i can't fault them for that at all. personally, i think that if you get back with your husband and do not explain why and work on resolving the issue you guys now have as a family, this will affect your family.

no, your grown children should not dictate your love life but when you have children (even if grown) it's not just you and your husband, you have a family now. therefore, as a family this needs to be worked out. i also agree with the idea of family therapy. their wounds need to be healed too, imo. if they are not, then i believe that their relationship with you and their father will be damaged quite a lot.

personally speaking, there are some bad actions my own father has made that he made no effort to resolve and it has affected my relationship with him. it is to the point where i feel if he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day, i would feel uncomfortable. no daughter should feel like that about her dad when the issues could have been resolved.
 
I understand how your kids feel.... just last week, i posted a thread about my father's unfaithfulness. It doesn't take very long for things to come to light :rolleyes: and they definitely affect the entire family. Even with adult kids.

It is your marriage, but be prepared that your kids may resent you for staying with him. And just because you forgive him doesn't mean that they will. There was many a-day (still ongoing) when I wished my mom and dad would just go their separate ways. And I was grown when I found out about the affair(s) too.

Counseling should be key for everyone's healing. It is your marriage and your call. Everyone else nonwithstanding, where do you stand? It is your life and your marriage, after all, just be prepared to deal with the fall-out whichever way it may go.
 
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envybeauty said:
if she got back together with him because of the "kids" (as a lot of women like to reason) she should consider if the kids are grown AND practically on their own. her getting back with him would mean dealing with him.......and him alone when the kids are not there. is she willing to handle that......

most people still have contact with their parents, whether they are married or not. however, as adults on their own (if they are on their own), her kids will be less affected than if they had to live with their parents everyday and be under their parents' rules everyday.

i still maintain that she should not let her childen dictate to her whether or not she gets back with, forgives, or releases her husband.
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Or how about she shouldn't consider getting back with him for the sake of the kids, period? If this were me, that line of reasoning would be totally absent from my vocabulary...
 
sunshinebeautiful said:
I understand how your kids feel.... just last week, i posted a thread about my father's unfaithfulness. It doesn't take very long for things to come to light :rolleyes: and they definitely affect the entire family. Even with adult kids.

It is your marriage, but be prepared that your kids may resent you for staying with him. And just because you forgive him doesn't mean that they will. There was many a-day (still ongoing) when I wished my mom and dad would just go their separate ways. And I was grown when I found out about the affair(s) too.

Counseling should be key for everyone's healing. It is your marriage and your call. Everyone else nonwithstanding, where do you stand? It is your life and your marriage, after all, just be prepared to deal with the fall-out whichever way it may go.
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I *heart* you... I'm glad you feel me...

sunshinebeautiful said:
Or how about she shouldn't consider getting back with him for the sake of the kids, period? If this were me, that line of reasoning would be totally absent from my vocabulary...
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EXACTLY!!!
 
tocktick said:
they're probably telling you to leave because they've lost all respect for their father. they probably now think you deserve to be with someone better because they love you and want the best for you. i can't fault them for that at all. personally, i think that if you get back with your husband and do not explain why and work on resolving the issue you guys now have as a family, this will affect your family.

no, your grown children should not dictate your love life but when you have children (even if grown) it's not just you and your husband, you have a family now. therefore, as a family this needs to be worked out. i also agree with the idea of family therapy. their wounds need to be healed too, imo. if they are not, then i believe that their relationship with you and their father will be damaged quite a lot.

personally speaking, there are some bad actions my own father has made that he made no effort to resolve and it has affected my relationship with him. it is to the point where i feel if he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day, i would feel uncomfortable. no daughter should feel like that about her dad when the issues could have been resolved.
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Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
 
Your children have no right to dictate the direction of you marriage. I understand they are hurt and very disappointed in their father. But it is up to you and your husband to make the decision of how you will proceed in your relationship.

You may just need a little family therapy. Your daughters will be ok. You need to make them see your relationship is important to you. They need to work on theirs with their Dad.

I undestand your children's position all too well. I have been there. My sister and I found out and everyone and their mother was telling us my mom should leave... I admit at times anger compelled to want to tell her leave. But then I thought about it. They have been married for 34 years. They have a lifetime together. Sometimes people will give you advice when they themselve have no clue the dedication and work it takes to maintain a marriage. Yes there are things that are unforgiveable (abuse). But there are some that if the parties admited their wrongs and both are willing to put the work in that can be forgiven. People tend to forget the worst part in marriage these days. They only see the better part.

I now know its not my place nor is it my sibbling's. Im working on my relationship with my Dad. It has taught me to see my parents as humans. I have started to build a relationship with each parent individually. Its a hard road, but you and your family will be ok. You are in my prayers.
 
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