My brother said the reason I am single is because . . .

[Glib Gurl]

I am too selfish. I was asking him what his LT girlfriend thought of the fact that there are tons of females chatting him up on facebook all the time and his response (which had nothing to do with my question) was "That's why you don't have a man . . . you're too selfish."

Of course I was like and he basically went on to say that I'm too picky and there are plenty of guys and I should just get over myself and just date somebody to get some experience. Too which I was like "Look my time valuable . . . I'm not going to waste time on some joker...."

*Kanye shrug*

 

[Mitey Cyrus]

I disagree with his sentiments in general, but is there any truth to it? That is, are you turning down lots of men b/c of this supposed selfishness?

 

[FluffyRed]

There are tons of "selfish" women out there that have a ma-an.

The book is called "men love bidges" for a reason.

Now, if he's saying ur to picky, that's something for you to evaluate.

Ur brother's trying to deflect attention away from his sneakiness.

 

[Bunny77]

I'mma say this again...

A. Stop listening to a lot of these men and stop engaging them in conversation. My relationship habits are not up for debate or discussion (except for a chosen few people that I trust dearly because of their sound advice and judgment). Even if they are your family. I'm not saying never listen to men, but many men are looking out for their interests and they say things that make it EASIER for them to get women. Obviously, your brother isn't trying to get with you, but he's thinking from a perspective that generally would benefit HIM in his relationships.

B. How old is he? Why is he in a LT relationship and hasn't tied the knot yet? Does this LT girlfriend want to get married? (If she doesn't, then this question is moot.)

I'm just sayin' again... a mature man with a long-term GIRLFRIEND and not wife isn't exactly the guy I'm listening to for relationship advice.

:kanyeshrug:

 

[jada1111]

I am too selfish. I was asking him what his LT girlfriend thought of the fact that there are tons of females chatting him up on facebook all the time and his response (which had nothing to do with my question) was "That's why you don't have a man . . . you're too selfish."

Of course I was like and he basically went on to say that I'm too picky and there are plenty of guys and I should just get over myself and just date somebody to get some experience. Too which I was like "Look my time valuable . . . I'm not going to waste time on some joker...."

*Kanye shrug*

You're absolutely right and should stick to your guns.

You need to date men as close to your ideal as possible. Not someone who has the "potential" to get there or you have to "clean up" to make him the man that he should be. All of this is a complete waste of time and will make you miserable. Trust.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

Are you older than your brother? No offense OP but his advice seems to be what he would tell a stranger on the street not his sister.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Ur brother's trying to deflect attention away from his sneakiness.

Plus as I said to him, men are more than selfish . . . no way am I gonna settle just to be with somebody (and likely get my feelings hurt in the process).

I am picky but the things I am picky about are big things - education, value system, etc. - not superficial things klike skintone or height.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I'mma say this again...

A. Stop listening to a lot of these men and stop engaging them in conversation. My relationship habits are not up for debate or discussion (except for a chosen few people that I trust dearly because of their sound advice and judgment). Even if they are your family. I'm not saying never listen to men, but many men are looking out for their interests and they say things that make it EASIER for them to get women. Obviously, your brother isn't trying to get with you, but he's thinking from a perspective that generally would benefit HIM in his relationships.

B. How old is he? Why is he in a LT relationship and hasn't tied the knot yet? Does this LT girlfriend want to get married? (If she doesn't, then this question is moot.)

I'm just sayin' again... a mature man with a long-term GIRLFRIEND and not wife isn't exactly the guy I'm listening to for relationship advice.

:kanyeshrug:

Thank you Bunny. My bro is 27 and has been dating FSIL for two years. He was getting ready to propose but wants to get more financially secure first (he is looking for a new job).

 

[Glib Gurl]

Are you older than your brother? No offense OP but his advice seems to be what he would tell a stranger on the street not his sister.

I am older. You can see why I don't broach matters of the heart with him often.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I agree with the ladies. Most man advice coming from men is designed to suit their personal wants and desires. I'm concerned that your brother would give you advice (unsolicited at that) that would set you up to be hurt or taken advantage of. Who's the REAL selfish one here?
The only advice I offer though (yes it's unsolicited too) is to pick your battles in a relationship. Sometimes it's best to say "yes dear" with a little side look to your self.

 

[Bunny77]

I am older. You can see why I don't broach matters of the heart with him often.

LOL... my brother is 26 and I betta not hear one word from him about relationships unless I ask for his point of view!

 

[Supervixen]

I am older. You can see why I don't broach matters of the heart with him often.

I take very little relationship advice from my 24 year old brother. Sometimes he has some gems, but sometimes that isth that comes out of his mouth is ridiculous.

 

[phynestone]

I'mma say this again...

A. Stop listening to a lot of these men and stop engaging them in conversation. My relationship habits are not up for debate or discussion (except for a chosen few people that I trust dearly because of their sound advice and judgment). Even if they are your family. I'm not saying never listen to men, but many men are looking out for their interests and they say things that make it EASIER for them to get women. Obviously, your brother isn't trying to get with you, but he's thinking from a perspective that generally would benefit HIM in his relationships.

B. How old is he? Why is he in a LT relationship and hasn't tied the knot yet? Does this LT girlfriend want to get married? (If she doesn't, then this question is moot.)

I'm just sayin' again... a mature man with a long-term GIRLFRIEND and not wife isn't exactly the guy I'm listening to for relationship advice.

:kanyeshrug:

This is VERY true, especially based on my past experiences. You know they wouldn't want their daughters to settle for scraps, so why should you? Honey, just keep your standards high b/c the minute you lower them, all crap breaks loose.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

When my brother/dad speak I listen. Even though I don't agree with alot of what they may have to say I listen because they know me best and are men.

I don't and won't pretend to know how a man thinks thats what I have them there for and for those who don't have men in their lives thats what Steve Harvey's book is for...

He said it, even though he was throwing attention off of himself and onto you he meant what he said and told you why reading between the lines...Your in my business and I have a relationship and I need you to mind yours and figure out why you don't...here's two things to start with...Selfish and Picky....which in alot of lonely women books is the reason why they are by themselves.

Sometimes its not how its said but what is said...

 

[Glib Gurl]

He said it, even though he was throwing attention off of himself and onto you he meant what he said and told you why reading between the lines...Your in my business and I have a relationship and I need you to mind yours and figure out why you don't...here's two things to start with...Selfish and Picky....which in alot of lonely women books is the reason why they are by themselves.

Sometimes its not how its said but what is said...

Huh. I am going to have to give that some thought (although I don't know if I give my brother that much credit for being so analytical about things )

 

[Tybi]

I get this too Glib, not form my bro (he BET not try and give me dating advice) but from men that want to date me who I turn down. I am either selfish or a lesbian!

...He said it, even though he was throwing attention off of himself and onto you he meant what he said and told you why reading between the lines...Your in my business and I have a relationship and I need you to mind yours and figure out why you don't...here's two things to start with...Selfish and Picky....which in alot of lonely women books is the reason why they are by themselves.
...

See this^^ I do agree with to an extent. I know that I am nowhere near selfish, but extremely picky to a fault. But I plan to stay that way b/c as soon as I STOP being picky is when all hell breaks loose like the other poster said. Too many times in the past I let my guard down for man that had all the "right" qualities even though I wasn't into him. Just because others said I should go for it I did, and where are they now?

Too many bad breakups over that mess, I'll stay picky thank you!

 

[Bunny77]

See this^^ I do agree with to an extent. I know that I am nowhere near selfish, but extremely picky to a fault. But I plan to stay that way b/c as soon as I STOP being picky is when all hell breaks loose like the other poster said. Too many times in the past I let my guard down for man that had all the "right" qualities even though I wasn't into him. Just because others said I should go for it I did, and where are they now?

Too many bad breakups over that mess, I'll stay picky thank you!

Yep.

I've actually had MORE relationship success by being picky than when I gave everyone "a chance." Why? Cause those guys whom I gave a chance ended up wasting my time... time that could have been spent focusing on finding the ones that fit my standards.

When I started tossing dudes to the side left and right, it made it much easier for the right one to show up!

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I get this too Glib, not form my bro (he BET not try and give me dating advice) but from men that want to date me who I turn down. I am either selfish or a lesbian!



See this^^ I do agree with to an extent. I know that I am nowhere near selfish, but extremely picky to a fault. But I plan to stay that way b/c as soon as I STOP being picky is when all hell breaks loose like the other poster said. Too many times in the past I let my guard down for man that had all the "right" qualities even though I wasn't into him. Just because others said I should go for it I did, and where are they now?

Too many bad breakups over that mess, I'll stay picky thank you!

And I agree with you!!! I am saying if its something thats to a fault, why not re-evaluate and lighten up just a little. I say don't stop and become run-over Daisy cause your right all hell will break loose!!!

I know from experience from the little smart-assey things my brother has said to me under his breath when I've pissed him off. And I would be like whoa...maybe he is kind of right. For me, selfish is the biggest thing for me and my brother has told me that much but I attribute that to me not having children just yet.

I think its a give and get. So I will be the first to say I don't like dating men with kids (see my selfishness) but if given the right man and he has maybe one or two as long as he is taking care of them and has the right outlook on life and achieving goals maybe that will be doable. Now if he got 3 or more (cause 2 is pushing it) him and his little crumb-snatchers can move on thats just not something I want at all. Cause I am still gonna be picky about other things but you pick and you learn.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I still don't get his logic though . . . how me not wanting him (and, by extension, my own man) chatting up different females online equates with me being selfish. Uh, no - I want you to be faithful and to make it known to one and all. (Cuz I'm sorry, you know those chicks aren't just being friendly . . . I am the Queen of Facebook Flirting so I know )

 

[kismettt]

this a convo i would have with my brother...5 years ago when we were 14 & 16

obviously in that context his point is too far-reaching, but I guess like someone else said, are you selfish? idk if you are posting this seriously or not, or just sharing how silly your brother is

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I still don't get his logic though . . . how me not wanting him (and, by extension, my own man) chatting up different females online equates with me being selfish. Uh, no - I want you to be faithful and to make it known to one and all. (Cuz I'm sorry, you know those chicks aren't just being friendly . . . I am the Queen of Facebook Flirting so I know )

Here's my ABC
A. Why are you worried about what his LT thinks. Why not ask her?
B. The right ? to ask him is why does he flirt on FB when he has an LT?
C. FB is gonna be the end, beginning and doom of alot of relationships


To me he was getting you out of his business, when he said what he said...he wasn't using logic...thats just it...just take what he said make a self note and if its any truth in it make an adjustment. and ya right about FB and I think you really need to make a thread about it (since your great at making threads) or just social networking sites in general.

Anywho since you went there...let me throw in my 2cents about the FB thing, flirting is natural in general...the idea is where do you draw your line in the sand about it. I feel you can be single all you want online but in real life you wake up with me and go to sleep with me. I don't want to squeeze the life out of you and everywhere you go its Hi, my name is Andrew and I'm married/committed by the way. I need you to have your own space and I will have mine. Life doesn't have to be like that. ***Ask any couple whos been married 10+ years*** It seems that either his LT is cool with his little FB page as I'm sure she has seen it or she doesn't care. To me thats the difference between treating someone like a child vs treating them like an adult. The day I have to watch your every move and your bringing the internet into real life thats the day that I point it out and either your fix it or I'm gone. It doesn't take the internet for a man to cheat if thats his mindset he will do it regardless. I say she knows what he does and is secure within herself/relationship to not let it be an issue...

 

[MrsHdrLe]

Mrs. Ariana, you've made some good points since I visited yesterday and while I think internet flirting is cheating on an emotional level, I also am of the mind set that I don't have time nor care to chase my man around dipping into his personal business over my insecurities (YES! he's entitled to have a personal life too. People are not property!). I know we love each other, I've nevr been the obessive type anyway and I trust him.
Furthermore, I think it's selfishness to believe that everything should be the way you want it to be all the time. "My relationship, My wedding, My house in the burbs, My children, My...., My....MY....." I think this is what men mean when they call women selfish. They believe that being a princess/queen means that she should be spoiled all the time and her wishes are always met. THAT IS SELFISH. That's why my SIL is getting divorced right now. True a lot of spolied women get men and marry, many, many times over. They cling to their ideoologies that they have high standards and don't lower them, and that may in fact be what initially attracted their men to them, but eventually the men may become resentful that they are constantly accomodating while the wife hollars for more. These types of women never grow up and as soon as dh disappoints, then they call it quits. Just my two cents!

 

[MissYocairis]

Here's my ABC
A. Why are you worried about what his LT thinks. Why not ask her?
B. The right ? to ask him is why does he flirt on FB when he has an LT?
C. FB is gonna be the end, beginning and doom of alot of relationships


To me he was getting you out of his business, when he said what he said...he wasn't using logic...thats just it...just take what he said make a self note and if its any truth in it make an adjustment. and ya right about FB and I think you really need to make a thread about it (since your great at making threads) or just social networking sites in general.

Anywho since you went there...let me throw in my 2cents about the FB thing, flirting is natural in general...the idea is where do you draw your line in the sand about it. I feel you can be single all you want online but in real life you wake up with me and go to sleep with me. I don't want to squeeze the life out of you and everywhere you go its Hi, my name is Andrew and I'm married/committed by the way. I need you to have your own space and I will have mine. Life doesn't have to be like that. ***Ask any couple whos been married 10+ years*** It seems that either his LT is cool with his little FB page as I'm sure she has seen it or she doesn't care. To me thats the difference between treating someone like a child vs treating them like an adult. The day I have to watch your every move and your bringing the internet into real life thats the day that I point it out and either your fix it or I'm gone. It doesn't take the internet for a man to cheat if thats his mindset he will do it regardless. I say she knows what he does and is secure within herself/relationship to not let it be an issue...

ITA with this. 100%

 

[MissYocairis]

Also, I don't necessarily think all men giving women advice on men are giving out shady advice. It depends on the man. You know your brother. If he's been a bad boyfriend, then you can leave what he said alone. If he's been a decent boyfriend and is sincere about his girlfriend, then consider that he's not trying to sell his game to YOU either...maybe he's coming from the place of someone who knows you really well. Something you said he said stuck with me...that you should get out there and get some experience with dating men.

Perhaps that could be true. You don't have to sell out your standards to get experience dating. Dating usually entails you getting treated to dinner/lunch/coffee/movie or whatever. The only thing you invest in that would be your time and a little energy...you don't have to sleep with or move in with men who aren't meeting your standards...but maybe you do need some general dating experience. (maybe you don't...I don't know...I'm going by what you said your brother said to you) Think about it.

As for his FB page...I'm sick of FB...it ruins perfectly good relationships for no good reason. People interact with other folks of the opposite sex even tho they are in relationships. Period. There's nothing unusual about it. More than likely, HER FB page has a few comments from men who are not your brother on them as well.

 

[Theo]

Yeah... I agree with Smuckie_Slick. He didn't say you should settle, but he said you should date more people to get more experience with dating. I don't think that's bad advice. You can ask questions, but things dealing with dating, talking to men, love etc. are best learned from experience if only because they differ markedly from person to person.

All in all, I think getting dating experience is important.

Also, about FB flirting, I really think one of the things that makes a long term relationship long term is being able to pick your battles. FB is not that deep. I might playfully rib my bf about girls hitting him up on FB, but I don't really care to be perfectly honest. And I know him and trust him... he's not going anywhere right now. Sometimes I act like I care because I want him to feel important and highly desired but.... its not that serious.

 

[Ayesha81]

...and what is wrong with being selfish?!.......

I dunno about what type of relationship you and your brother have but there is an underlying tone to his advice cause usually when anyone has a negative thing to say to you there is a disliking of you.

 

[Bachelorette]

T

Ur brother's trying to deflect attention away from his sneakiness.

exactly

sounds like a cheater in progress to me

'Im McLovin' I gotta share my lovin with errybody"

 

[JustKiya]

Before I would even consider a man's advice about my relationships - I ask myself - Is this man the kind of man that I would want to date?

My stepfather gave me relationship advice. I ignored most of it, and flipped the rest to tell me what NOT to look for - because I didn't want to date/marry a man like him. I love my mother - love her dearly - but she didn't have the best taste in men.

So the mere fact that a man knows me well does not mean that I should value his advice.

Now - if he was the kind of man that you were hoping to find (which means he's mostly likely looking for the same kind of woman that the man you want is looking for), I'd give his advice a little more weight.

Too many people underrate being selfish. Being selfish is a good thing - esp. when you are a single woman with no other personal responsibilities - it means you have your priorities straight, and you are looking out for YOUR number one priority - you. Once you are in an exclusive, committed relationship, then it should shift to a less 'I' selfishness to a more 'we' selfishness - you are still selfish, you are still your first priority - but now this other individual should factor into your priorities and choices.

Bump the mindset that in order for a woman to have value, she must be selfless and putting everyone else's desires, needs, and wants ahead of hers. Bump that. That's a path that leads directly to a lack of critical boundaries and being viewed as a mule/doormat by the people around you.

Learning how - when - and why - to say no is a critical skill that so many women lack - and then they wonder why the people around them use them. Umph.

Girl, be selfish.

 

[glam-]

Too many people underrate being selfish. Being selfish is a good thing - esp. when you are a single woman with no other personal responsibilities - it means you have your priorities straight, and you are looking out for YOUR number one priority - you. Once you are in an exclusive, committed relationship, then it should shift to a less 'I' selfishness to a more 'we' selfishness - you are still selfish, you are still your first priority - but now this other individual should factor into your priorities and choices.

Bump the mindset that in order for a woman to have value, she must be selfless and putting everyone else's desires, needs, and wants ahead of hers. Bump that. That's a path that leads directly to a lack of critical boundaries and being viewed as a mule/doormat by the people around you.

Learning how - when - and why - to say no is a critical skill that so many women lack - and then they wonder why the people around them use them. Umph.

Girl, be selfish.

Is there an applause smiley, cause I love what you just said!

 

[awhyley]

I'mma say this again...

A. Stop listening to a lot of these men and stop engaging them in conversation. My relationship habits are not up for debate or discussion (except for a chosen few people that I trust dearly because of their sound advice and judgment). Even if they are your family. I'm not saying never listen to men, but many men are looking out for their interests and they say things that make it EASIER for them to get women. Obviously, your brother isn't trying to get with you, but he's thinking from a perspective that generally would benefit HIM in his relationships.

Posts like these are why I read your stuff Bunny.

OP's behavior probably reminded her bro of the females that rejected him earlier on in life, and he was probably projecting those feelings about the situation onto her, because I don't see how those comments would be in her best interest.