My boyfriend adores me when I treat him horribly...

[PraisedBeauty]

I really don't know what to do.. I am utterly...CONFUSED. My boyfriend devoted three years of his life solely focusing on me, and trying to get me to be his friend and fall in love with him. I always found him attractive. But I never really liked him in that way. So I would always play him to the side. And yet he'd keep on lavishing me with gifts, compliments, going out of his way to try and get me to be his girlfriend. He even wanted to transfer universities so we wouldn't be 45 minutes apart...

Well slowly but surely he turned into my best friend. He was always there for me when I was crying over other guys. Never complained when I canceled on him to go spend time with other guys... And then out of nowhere. It happened. I fell in love with him. We've been in a committed relationship for about 7 months now, and for the first 5 months he was the same as always. Lavishing me with gifts, compliments, always wanted to be around me, always wanted to be on the phone with me. But now that I am returning the love... It seems that he responds differently. Yes he still loves me. Still comes to see me. Still buys me gifts. Buys my groceries. Still brags about me to his friends. He still tells me how he can't wait to marry me and for me to have his daughters. All fine and dandy. But he doesn't blow up my phone like he used. Or text me like he used to. We only talk on the phone once a day now if we don't see each other that day. And he only sends me like 5 texts a day.

But for the past week I have been ignoring him. And acting uninterested when I am on the phone with him. Even said I needed a break from him for two days and ignored him for a day and a half, until he started blowing up my phone on the second day. Now he is texting me just to tell me everything that is on his mind. Just little pointless things....

Do I have to keep being mean and ignoring him for him to keep showering me with so much attention? Because I am just truly not a mean spirited person. I love doing things for him. Cooking for him. Complimenting him daily. Texting him all the time. But... It's almost as if he gets complacent when I do those things.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

That is weird. I have heard men say they need to treat women like **** so they will stay and whatnot.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

It sounds as though when things are going really good with you two, your boyfriend gets really comfortable and stops doing the things that make you happy.

As annoying as it is, you may have to give him a loving reminder every now and again if you are feeling neglected.

Men can't read our minds---with some men, no matter how long you've been with them (even while married), you have to remind them to do certain little things that make you feel loved.

They don't mean to do it, but it's the nature of most men

 

[ms.mimi]

Hubby and I went through this when we 1st started dating. I explained to him, what he did to get me are the same things he has to do to keep me.

 

[aribell]

It sounds like what he does for you on a "bad day" is still what most women would love on any day. His version of "okay" is coming to see you, buying you gifts and groceries, bragging about you, talking seriously about marriage and kids, talking to you daily with several texts besides. I think you might like the over the top stuff a little too much. He doesn't have to blow up your phone 10x in a day to prove that he's into you. He sounds terrific--be careful of expecting more than is reasonable. That crazy infatuation stage just isn't emotionally sustainable longterm, and making him feel insecure (by ignoring him) so that he gets desperate may eventually get old to him/make him feel resentful if he actually hasn't done anything deserving of being ignored. In fact, if he didn't see something wrong with that, I'd be concerned that he has self-esteem issues.

 

[PraisedBeauty]

Hubby and I went through this when we 1st started dating. I explained to him, what he did to get me are the same things he has to do to keep me.

Did you sit down and say it to him just like that? I'm afraid to have a talk with my boyfriend about this. He always wants to do what makes me happy, and I'm sure if he knew it was truly hurting me he would make a change. But I am trying to think of a way to go about this without putting him in an ultimatum type of situation. Because he does not respond well to things like that at all.

He doesn't like being told what to do... So I'm trying to think of a way to get him to do what I want, without backing him into a corner....But I can't keep treating him horribly. It tears me up inside, because I just want to adore him and pamper him.

 

[snillohsss]

I really don't know what to do.. I am utterly...CONFUSED. My boyfriend devoted three years of his life solely focusing on me, and trying to get me to be his friend and fall in love with him. I always found him attractive. But I never really liked him in that way. So I would always play him to the side. And yet he'd keep on lavishing me with gifts, compliments, going out of his way to try and get me to be his girlfriend. He even wanted to transfer universities so we wouldn't be 45 minutes apart...

Well slowly but surely he turned into my best friend. He was always there for me when I was crying over other guys. Never complained when I canceled on him to go spend time with other guys... And then out of nowhere. It happened. I fell in love with him. We've been in a committed relationship for about 7 months now, and for the first 5 months he was the same as always. Lavishing me with gifts, compliments, always wanted to be around me, always wanted to be on the phone with me. But now that I am returning the love... It seems that he responds differently. Yes he still loves me. Still comes to see me. Still buys me gifts. Buys my groceries. Still brags about me to his friends. He still tells me how he can't wait to marry me and for me to have his daughters. All fine and dandy. But he doesn't blow up my phone like he used. Or text me like he used to. We only talk on the phone once a day now if we don't see each other that day. And he only sends me like 5 texts a day.

But for the past week I have been ignoring him. And acting uninterested when I am on the phone with him. Even said I needed a break from him for two days and ignored him for a day and a half, until he started blowing up my phone on the second day. Now he is texting me just to tell me everything that is on his mind. Just little pointless things....

Do I have to keep being mean and ignoring him for him to keep showering me with so much attention? Because I am just truly not a mean spirited person. I love doing things for him. Cooking for him. Complimenting him daily. Texting him all the time. But... It's almost as if he gets complacent when I do those things.

sounds like he thrives off of "the chase". You should address the issue to him exactly like you did in this post. It sounds like he might take notice and change it.

Im not sure if you are dating this guy for longevity but, you don't want to get into a vicious circle of treating your mate badly in order to receive love in return. That will get old and you would have wasted so many years of your life playing a game.

 

[snillohsss]

Did you sit down and say it to him just like that? I'm afraid to have a talk with my boyfriend about this. He always wants to do what makes me happy, and I'm sure if he knew it was truly hurting me he would make a change. But I am trying to think of a way to go about this without putting him in an ultimatum type of situation. Because he does not respond well to things like that at all.

He doesn't like being told what to do... So I'm trying to think of a way to get him to do what I want, without backing him into a corner....But I can't keep treating him horribly. It tears me up inside, because I just want to adore him and pamper him.

You wouldn't be "telling" him what to do. You should simply let him know what you dislike. Its up to him to change it or not. If he doesn't, then you know what to do. If he does, then perfect!

Never tell a man what you are going to do if they don't do XYZ. I don't find those ultimatums productive to relationships at all.

 

[carcajada]

He likes b****es and you don't sound like a true b****.

 

[Rina88]

I've seen many women who treat guys like trash and the men love that stuff and always come back for more, it's amazing. But once they start treating them nicely they flip the script (even though it doesn't seem like this is the case at all- TO ME *shrugs*). I don't know why, so I can't be much help.

Possibly he's just accustomed to you not giving him much attention and that may be the very thing that drew him in IDK. I believe men do love the chase, but once you're in a relationship it's time to let the games go. But imo more than likely he's just comfortable with your relationship and doesn't feel the need to go the extra mile everyday. That's perfectly normal and expected. I say take the others advice and just let him know that you notice a difference in his behavior, you're concerned and don't like it.

To answer you're question plainly - no. Don't be mean to get him to shower you with gifts and attention. Talk to him about whatever is making you upset.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

OP I'm experiencing the same thing, I literally dog out a guy of mine. I mean I went hard this past weekend,because I was bored and I know I'm cute and he ate it up, catered to not only MY needs but my girlfriends, even got him interested in my hair care products and he has spent a ton on all my favs. I tried to flip the script once or twice an treat him kindly, he didnt return my phone calls or text and sense I wasnt really fazed I just started treating him like crap again and he came running back like a puppy. I wont be falling in love tho. I wouldnt dare deal with someone treating me the way I treat him, but whatever

 

[FlowerHair]

You might benefit from being a little tougher...some men love a tough woman!

 

[Kagrra01]

Damn this is messed up. To be honest.....he still calls I mean if he totally broke off all communication with you I could see why you would be upset but ummm I don't know, everything seems to be going fine for you.

 

[PraisedBeauty]

Damn this is messed up. To be honest.....he still calls I mean if he totally broke off all communication with you I could see why you would be upset but ummm I don't know, everything seems to be going fine for you.

I could see how you would think that... But in comparison to how we usually are...It makes me feel like I am sharing him. Like there is someone else... We went from texting each other 25+ times a day. To 5-10 times a day. We went from talking on the phone at least 2 1/2 hours a day to maybe 30 minutes a day. It all seems so. Sudden to me. It's such a dramatic change. We have a very tight bond. We thrive off of each other. I don't know. It may be because he's taking me out to dinners a lot more often lately? I'm trying to figure out what it is... And I don't believe in sex before marriage. And he never pressures me and still loves me and says that he is willing to wait. But, it always makes me insecure that other women out there are willing to give him what I won't.

(edited for grammar)

 

[Ganjababy]

I agree

It sounds like what he does for you on a "bad day" is still what most women would love on any day. His version of "okay" is coming to see you, buying you gifts and groceries, bragging about you, talking seriously about marriage and kids, talking to you daily with several texts besides. I think you might like the over the top stuff a little too much. He doesn't have to blow up your phone 10x in a day to prove that he's into you. He sounds terrific--be careful of expecting more than is reasonable. That crazy infatuation stage just isn't emotionally sustainable longterm, and making him feel insecure (by ignoring him) so that he gets desperate may eventually get old to him/make him feel resentful if he actually hasn't done anything deserving of being ignored. In fact, if he didn't see something wrong with that, I'd be concerned that he has self-esteem issues.

This makes things clearer and I understand how you feel. I think you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart and tell him exactly how you feel and what you want from this relationship.

If you are not the kind of woman who thrives on treating them mean to keep them keen then don't do it. No use in playing games. It gets you nowhere. I used to be the kind that treat them mean. Not because I thought it would keep them, but because of personal issues. Some men thrive on it, and some don't. Some will put up with it for a while, but then it can get tired, especially for a man with a healthy self-esteem.

I could see how you would think that... But in comparison to how we usually are...It makes me feel like I am sharing him. Like there is someone else... We went from texting each other 25+ times a day. To 5-10 times a day. We went from talking on the phone at least 2 1/2 hours a day to maybe 30 minutes a day. It all seems so. Sudden to me. It's such a dramatic change. We have a very tight bond. We thrive off of each other. I don't know. It may be because he's taking me out to dinners a lot more often lately? I'm trying to figure out what it is... And I don't believe in sex before marriage. And he never pressures me and still loves me and says that he is willing to wait. But, it always makes me insecure that other women out there are willing to give him what I won't.

(edited for grammar)

 

[FlyyBohemian]

I think he's great. I don't think real people with real jobs have time to blow up anyone's phone. I agree with one poster that what you're getting on a bad day is what many women would love to have. You got it good. Leave the man alone.

 

[FlyyBohemian]

I could see how you would think that... But in comparison to how we usually are...It makes me feel like I am sharing him. Like there is someone else... We went from texting each other 25+ times a day. To 5-10 times a day. We went from talking on the phone at least 2 1/2 hours a day to maybe 30 minutes a day. It all seems so. Sudden to me. It's such a dramatic change. We have a very tight bond. We thrive off of each other. I don't know. It may be because he's taking me out to dinners a lot more often lately? I'm trying to figure out what it is... And I don't believe in sex before marriage. And he never pressures me and still loves me and says that he is willing to wait. But, it always makes me insecure that other women out there are willing to give him what I won't.

(edited for grammar)

He's fine!

 

[PraisedBeauty]

Update: So last night I went to bed without talking to him on the phone. I simply sent him a text that said goodnight and that I was really tired and going to bed early. Then this morning. I called him because I thought maybe I should just talk to him about why I am acting this way.

He was still sleeping and called me back an hour later. I was in the middle of doing my hair so I told him I'd call him back in five minutes. I called him back and he didn't pick up. Called him again and he didn't pick up. At this point I was frustrated, because it seems as if for the past 3 weeks when I call him back, he doesn't pick up and calls me back like hours later. So he called me back like ten minutes later. I sent him to voicemail then texted him saying, "I don't even want to talk to you anymore" He calls again, I pick up and say, "I'm late for class, I can't talk. I will talk to you later" This was all true. He didn't believe me though.

Him: Yeah whatever you're lying.
Me: What'd you just say?
Him: Nothing forget it.
Me: Whatever
Him: Why are you acting out? You went to bed last night and didn't even talk to me on the phone to say goodnight or nothing. Just sent me a text.
Me: I was tired.
Him: Yeah whatever. I don't feel like talking anymore. Go to class.
Me: *hangs up phone*

Okay HOLD UP. HOLD UP. HOLD UP. For the past WEEK. He has not been calling me at night or even texting me to say goodnight. But when I send him an early text saying goodnight....It's a problem?! Now it's a problem?! See this is not fair.

I feel like texting him or calling him and telling him, "I'm only mirroring your actions. Do you think I like acting like this toward you? No. But it's the only way I could show you how you were making me feel."

But... If he should ever act up again... I can't use this method to keep him in check again because he'll know what I'm doing if I tell him now. Sigh.

 

[tinkat]

Aw.. I completely understand what you mean when you are use to someone being consistent and they switch it up on you. But one thing I have learned is sometimes we as woman read into things a little too much. I don't think that what he is doing is that big of a deal to be honest. I would be vocal and voice that I want to keep the communication lines open but when you get past that "honeymoon stage" things slow down sometimes. Every moment with the person you love is not going to be passionate. This situation that is minor just turned into an argument because of misunderstanding. Like OP said, when someone has a job, go to school, or just a life in general I don't expect them to blow up my phone so much. A phone call or two a day is fine, just a few kinds words. I would have a conversation to clear the tension and then give him space not to get a reaction, but bc it is healthy.

I have learned in relationships that giving eachother space is part of what saves relationships. I have felt taken for granted in the past and when we had no choice but to be seperated from my past SO it brought us closer. It actually saved our relationship bc it gave us time to reflect on things. It taught me patience when it comes to things like this and he appreciated me much more.

 

[MzLady78]

What in the world?

This sounds like some serious game playing on both your ends to me. Maybe y'all would benefit from actually having a real conversation about whatever is going on instead of all this tit for tat.

 

[aribell]

PraisedBeauty, I'm a little (maybe a lot) concerned about you talking about keeping him"in check". It doesn't sound at all as if you like to be mean, but maybe your worries about not being sexually intimate with him are causing you to cling too tightly. You are treating him like he needs to be punished in order to get him to do what you want. That's not really appropriate here. You need to calmly tell him what concerns you and what you'd like to be different. But if he reassures you of his love and keeps treating you well, consider adjusting your expectations just a tad. Every relationship is different, but I'm seeing danger signs here indicating that if you keep pushing too hard and gripping him too tightly you might end up losing out.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Hmm your update sounds suspect Go w/ your instincts

 

[MD_Lady]

...Do I have to keep being mean and ignoring him for him to keep showering me with so much attention? Because I am just truly not a mean spirited person. I love doing things for him. Cooking for him. Complimenting him daily. Texting him all the time. But... It's almost as if he gets complacent when I do those things.

I'm a little confused by your question because

...We've been in a committed relationship for about 7 months now, and for the first 5 months he was the same as always. Lavishing me with gifts, compliments, always wanted to be around me, always wanted to be on the phone with me. But now that I am returning the love... It seems that he responds differently. Yes he still loves me. Still comes to see me. Still buys me gifts. Buys my groceries. Still brags about me to his friends. He still tells me how he can't wait to marry me and for me to have his daughters...

based on what you say above, it sounds like there's only one thing he's stopped doing (the communication piece) and that hardly counts as complacent, in my book. erplexed If you'd like him to contact you more, telling him how much you liked him texting you about "little pointless things" is a good start. Above all else, PLEASE don't take a passive agressive approach to handling this. I think you might be inserting some malice into his actions where, based on your description of the things he does do, it sounds like none exists and that is making you angry enough to give him the silent treatment.

ETA:

...I feel like texting him or calling him and telling him, "I'm only mirroring your actions. Do you think I like acting like this toward you? No. But it's the only way I could show you how you were making me feel."

But... If he should ever act up again... I can't use this method to keep him in check again because he'll know what I'm doing if I tell him now. Sigh.

But PraisedBeauty, before you do that, think about this: How would you feel if someone was around angry with you, but instead of telling you how they felt, expected you to guess what was wrong... It would be one thing if you told him how you felt about his "actions" initially and he dismissed you, but considering that you didn't, how do you really think that would go over?

 

[MissMasala5]

What in the world?

This sounds like some serious game playing on both your ends to me. Maybe y'all would benefit from actually having a real conversation about whatever is going on instead of all this tit for tat.

Excellent advice Life is just too short to not be living it genuinely, especially when it comes to relationships. Just be real; much more fun, much less work.

 

[Misseyl]

I really don't know what to do.. I am utterly...CONFUSED. My boyfriend devoted three years of his life solely focusing on me, and trying to get me to be his friend and fall in love with him. I always found him attractive. But I never really liked him in that way. So I would always play him to the side. And yet he'd keep on lavishing me with gifts, compliments, going out of his way to try and get me to be his girlfriend. He even wanted to transfer universities so we wouldn't be 45 minutes apart...

Well slowly but surely he turned into my best friend. He was always there for me when I was crying over other guys. Never complained when I canceled on him to go spend time with other guys... And then out of nowhere. It happened. I fell in love with him. We've been in a committed relationship for about 7 months now, and for the first 5 months he was the same as always. Lavishing me with gifts, compliments, always wanted to be around me, always wanted to be on the phone with me. But now that I am returning the love... It seems that he responds differently. Yes he still loves me. Still comes to see me. Still buys me gifts. Buys my groceries. Still brags about me to his friends. He still tells me how he can't wait to marry me and for me to have his daughters. All fine and dandy. But he doesn't blow up my phone like he used. Or text me like he used to. We only talk on the phone once a day now if we don't see each other that day. And he only sends me like 5 texts a day.

But for the past week I have been ignoring him. And acting uninterested when I am on the phone with him. Even said I needed a break from him for two days and ignored him for a day and a half, until he started blowing up my phone on the second day. Now he is texting me just to tell me everything that is on his mind. Just little pointless things....

Do I have to keep being mean and ignoring him for him to keep showering me with so much attention? Because I am just truly not a mean spirited person. I love doing things for him. Cooking for him. Complimenting him daily. Texting him all the time. But... It's almost as if he gets complacent when I do those things.

Yep, treat him mean, keep him keen.

It works all the time but not for me because I normally don't treat anyone bad but whatever rocks your boat.

 

[ambergirl]

I think MDLady and I are on the same page.

Don't get mad but I'm feeling like you like drama. Blowing up somebody's phone all day every day does not equal love or committment. Unless there's more to the story then what you've posted it sounds like he's just settling into the relationship and you still want to be pursued.

Personally I would let it go, but if it really bugs you then by all means just say what you're feeling clearly and calmly and don't get angry or make accusations.

 

[PraisedBeauty]

Update:

So I just ended up texting him telling him why I have been acting the way I have. I can't bare with hurting him. If even for a little bit. It hurts me too when he's hurt. :/ He responded back and said I opened his eyes because he didn't even realize what he was doing. He called me, but I was sleeping and I barely remember the conversation. It was like 30 seconds. I texted him when I woke up and asked him what I said. He said that all he did was ask if I wanted him to call me after he got off of work so we can talk. And I said yeah. So yeah. That's where things are at now.

 

[ms.mimi]

Did you sit down and say it to him just like that? I'm afraid to have a talk with my boyfriend about this. He always wants to do what makes me happy, and I'm sure if he knew it was truly hurting me he would make a change. But I am trying to think of a way to go about this without putting him in an ultimatum type of situation. Because he does not respond well to things like that at all.

He doesn't like being told what to do... So I'm trying to think of a way to get him to do what I want, without backing him into a corner....But I can't keep treating him horribly. It tears me up inside, because I just want to adore him and pamper him.

Yes I did. I added alittle more to it though. He was upset because I was being distant and aloof towards him. He wanted to know what was going on. Frankly at that point in my life I got bored and distracted really EASY! What he did to get me, I was into it. When it stopped I wasn't. If it wasn't really him and his true character then I most definitely needed to know the truth. (Don't play me) He understood and remembers to do the little things I like. Till this day he calls me 3 times EVERYDAY from work and we've been married 19 years this month.
You're not telling him what to do. He's either being real or he's not.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Perhaps you need a hobby outside your boyfriend and school. I think if you were busier you wouldn't miss not getting all those texts and calls. To be honest with you, the calls and texts that you are getting now seem reasonable to me. But that's just me. As a relationship progresses, things start to lose there intensity and settle into a normal rhythm. Especially when school, work, friendships and other life situations are involved. It sounds like he's really into you and all you need to do is be more upfront and plain spoken with each other. No attempts at mind reading, just straight forward. Also, men don't want to be on the phone for 2 hours. They really don't unless it's a new relationship, you haven't seen each other for a while or talking nasty. Remember they are not your girlfriends.

Sometimes what we think is mean, men see as a challenge, passion or exciting. I tend to feel my "meaness," then I become accomodating, available, clingy, predictable, and willing to please. And all of a sudden the guy is hard to reach and I'm wondering why the relationship changed seemingly overnight. The only thing that changed was how I was in the beginning, he wanted what he met not what I became, which is the typical society created verson of what a woman is suppose to be.

Many women don't know this but men want us to be a little selfish, somewhat combative, and slightly distant at times.

 

[DaDragonPrincess]

This seem like my boyfriend​