my best friend's husband slapped her...

[weaveadiva]

...and i didn't tell her to leave.

*sigh* before y'all curse me out, here's the deal

(the abridged version...don't have time to type out all the details)

they had already been having some problems, like him getting suspicious phone calls, coming home whenever-the-heck he feels like it, her not having any goals for her life (his words, not mine)...so things were already shaky.

then she calls me at like 1 in the morning, saying he had come home, they argued and he hit her...to "slap some sense into her" (his words) and of course she hit him back

my first thought was utter disappointment...i would never expect him to lose his f****** mind like that. so more than being upset, i was actually let down.

i asked her if she was ok, she said yeah. she wasn't crying or anything, just angry and confused. i then asked her about my babies (her kids). she said they were sleep, but you know kids hear more than we think they do. i can't imagine them sleeping through that.

anyway, she asked me if she should leave, and i said, and i quote, [highlight]"i can't answer that for you. i can't tell you to leave your husband, or to stay with him. i think maybe you should just spend some time apart, until you get your mind clear, and decide what you want to do."[/highlight]

really, who am i to tell her to leave him? people do things in the heat of the moment that they often regret, and i did not want to be the reason behind that.

i am in no way condoning abuse in a relationship on either side. she needs help as much as he does. but my thing is, if she truly wanted to leave him, instead of calling asking me for advice, she would've called and said, "weaveadiva, i'm leaving my husband," ya know? so that right there lets me know she wasn't really ready.

as we know, you cannot make a woman leave a man, period. many women remain in abusive relationships, even after soliciting advice from firends/family. if she is truly unhappy/fed up, i want her on leave on her own accord, not because her best friend told her it was the thing to do.

i know, i should be worried about her safety, but how can her when she isn't even? he came with some lame ol' 2-day late apology, she forgave him and he agreed to go to counseling. she set something up, he went one time , said he didn't like it, and of course she didn't press it.

so now everything is honky-dory. she doesn't even talk about it, like it never happened. i don't bring it up either. i don't want to keep rehashing it, 'cause apparently she wants to sweep it under the rug.

this is the first time he's laid hands on her, and honestly, i am more worried about their issues than him flipping again. the night she called me, it was "i hate him!...i'm miserable in this marriage...i want to leave him..." i just don't understand how you can feel this way one day and 2 weeks later it's all good. do you think the problems will magically disappear? ok, you want to work it out, no problem. but you can't ignore the issues...you have to deal with them or they'll just come back...and then what? back to square 1.

i also want her to be more proactive in her own life. she has no education (well, high school only), no job (he takes care of everything), has never lived on her own. she has absolutely no checking, savings, ...nothing. if she wanted to leave, where would she go? and with multiple kids? how would she make it?

my question is, do you ever think it's ok to stay in a relationship after he hits you? have you ever? i know it's easy to say "i ain't lettin no man beat on me!" but let's be real...there are other issues that sometimes come into play. if you don't want to post, then please just vote...honestly.

p.s. no, he has never hit the kids
p.p.s. i am happy with what i told her...so no advice on that, please

thanks for the vent ladies this has been bothering me a bit lately *sigh*

 

[envybeauty]

i guess you want people to agree with you because if they don't agree, then......

 

[weaveadiva]

i guess you want people to agree with you because if they don't agree, then......

point well-taken

please offer your opinion...

 

[comike]

I didn't read your entire post or justification for not telling her to leave her husband but I'm just wondering...why would a grown woman need to tell another grown woman to leave her husband after being physically abused?

 

[LunadeMiel]

I didn't read the entire thread but I'm going through this with a friend right now. Her excuse for staying with him is to help him get over his issues. She's dumb IMO...

 

[prettypuff1]

It is never okay for her to be hit.

I wil repeat again, It is never ok for physical abuse to occur. Period.

He needs to deal with his own issues alone and then return to the relationship.

I didn't read all of the thread and frankly i dont need to. If he is willing to hit her at all, think it is ok to do so, he is no way ready to be in anytype of relationship.

Most abused women don't think it is nessicary to leave the first time. I think u could have saved her plenty of heartache by telling her to leave. You asked who are you to tell her to leave, You ARE HER FRIEND and any friend would tell you to get your bags and leave until he can get himself together if she truly wants to stay....


If she wants to leave then she can do it... it takes nothing bu gumption to do it. She can pack her and the kids things and head to a relatives house unannounced to the hubby. There are plenty of shelters that she can stay at that are specifically geared toward women in this situation. She is CLEARLY in need of counseling because anyone who thinks that she can stay and it won't happen again is mistaken. He will hit her again and it wont be pretty...

Think of her children. Even thought they were in bed, they will see this. I am sure of two things: This wasn't the first fight they have had, and this isnt the last time he will hit her. Get involved NOW for those kids sake at least.

I have never been hit, but my aunt has. She left her husband and he still came back and killed her. I dont want the same for your friend

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

as we know, you cannot make a woman leave a man, period. many women remain in abusive relationships, even after soliciting advice from firends/family. if she is truly unhappy/fed up, i want her on leave on her own accord, not because her best friend told her it was the thing to do.

thanks for the vent ladies this has been bothering me a bit lately *sigh*

And this is why I've definitely limited myself in the advice I give my friends.

I have one friend who's boyfriend verbally abuses her and treats her like ish, another who the boyfriend's parents don't like her, they lie about her, the guy has cheated on her, HE'S YOUNGER THAN HER, AND they hardly see each other except when at school because he's 20 years old with a curfew. (Parents attempt to keep them apart, whatever). Then there's one who has a baby with a guy who keeps getting himself in all types of trouble, and she's cheated on him and he's cheated on her.

And you know what? I find that these friends like to release their problems so that THEY can feel better, and I wind up worrying and begging and pleading for them to not be so stupid. I give advice, I do follow ups, they should damn near be paying me for the Dr. Phil sessions I give.

And then the worst part of all? Is that the next day it's like if nothing ever happened. "Did I say that he cheated? Oh, naw girl... Cheated, the chinese guy cheated us out of more pork fried ice. That's what I was talkin' about! You know me and my boo are 4eva!"

I've realized that I get too emotionally invested in my friendships and they've actually rather than take it as a "I care about you" POV, they see it as if I'm doing a holier than thou preacher session.

If she really wants to go, and she knows it's a harmful situation, she'll go on her own accord. You can lead a horse to water but you sho' can't make it drink.

 

[belleama]

My daughter's father hit me once. I went home packed and then DD and I stayed in a shelter for two months while I saved up enough money to get myself another apartment. I haven't looked back.

As far as advising the friend I think you did the right thing. If she wanted to leave she would've left. She wouldn't be asking for your permission to do it.

My sister's ex husband was abusive but she stayed and stayed and stayed. No matter how many times I told her to leave she wouldn't. So finally one day when he beat her again she called me crying. I had to tell here I was tired of hearing about it and to STFU or do something about it. I think she cursed me out that night but she did end up leaving him a week later.

At the end of the day people need to make their own decisions.

 

[Lucie]

Why does she need your opinion? Why can't she think for herself? What man in his right mind would actually think slapping a woman would knock some sense into her? Save that ish for the movies! I hope she wakes up real soon because children absorb way more than you think, regardless of whether they are 'sleeping' or not.

 

[Tallone]

I didn't read your entire post or justification for not telling her to leave her husband but I'm just wondering...why would a grown woman need to tell another grown woman to leave her husband after being physically abused?

BINGO! You are inserting yourself (or allowing yourself to be inserted) too much in this situation. You are talking to BOTH of them. Are you being unbiased and neutral or playing both ends? Your word is not the divine commandment nor are you their pastor. At best I would tell her what you would do in the situation and help her when she decides she is sick of getting her arse whipped

 

[sunnydaze]

First off, nothing you say to her will sway her one way or the other.

Secondly, my ex-husband put his hands on my a few times in our first year of being married. I moved out..came back..moved out..came back. I ended up pregnant and it stopped. He pushed me down when I was about 7 month pregnant..that was it. I left that night and never set foot back in that apartment. After the baby, we actually tried counseling for a while, but I knew it was futile and we divorced towards the end of last year. I still wondered in my mind "what happens the next time you lose your job/get depressed/have a bad day/etc...u gonna come home and try and take it out on me then too"...I could no longer live with that kind of worry.

We were only under the same roof for little over a year in our two year marriage. I think I was in disbelief since we had known each other for almost 9 years before getting married and never even argued. Since we were so newly married, I thought I had to stay and try to work it out..I am just mad that I didn't get out any sooner.

I have absolutely no regrets and we actually get along quite well now. He had to lose his family to straighten up, which he has...but there is no turning back for me, my life is so much better the way it is now.

 

[LiberianGirl]

First off, nothing you say to her will sway her one way or the other.

Secondly, my ex-husband put his hands on my a few times in our first year of being married. I moved out..came back..moved out..came back. I ended up pregnant and it stopped. He pushed me down when I was about 7 month pregnant..that was it. I left that night and never set foot back in that apartment. After the baby, we actually tried counseling for a while, but I knew it was futile and we divorced towards the end of last year. I still wondered in my mind "what happens the next time you lose your job/get depressed/have a bad day/etc...u gonna come home and try and take it out on me then too"...I could no longer live with that kind of worry.

We were only under the same roof for little over a year in our two year marriage. I think I was in disbelief since we had known each other for almost 9 years before getting married and never even argued. Since we were so newly married, I thought I had to stay and try to work it out..I am just mad that I didn't get out any sooner.

I have absolutely no regrets and we actually get along quite well now. He had to lose his family to straighten up, which he has...but there is no turning back for me, my life is so much better the way it is now.

What an inspiring story. You are a strong lady! I come across these type of situations a lot in my profession and my best advice to you is just to listen. The ultimate decision is up to her...and she knows that. Just let her know that you care and will be there for her no matter what she decides to do.

 

[sunnydaze]

What an inspiring story. You are a strong lady! I come across these type of situations a lot in my profession and my best advice to you is just to listen. The ultimate decision is up to her...and she knows that. Just let her know that you care and will be there for her no matter what she decides to do.

Thank you!!! I have been blessed abundantly since I made that decision.

 

[SouthernJewel]

I voted other.Why?We all fall short.We all make mistakes. I can easily say I would leave,but truth be told...I don't know.I do know he would have been slapped back ( or worse).I know ,I know physical violence doesn't solve anything.

Now if this is a continuous ,it no longer becomes a mistake and its time to bounce!Naw homie,IM OUT. I'll be damned if im going to be scared in my OWN place. Nah,not gonna happen.


Disclaimer:Im not condoning violence AT ALL.

I have been slapped before.
Lets just say I will probably be the last female he ever slaps.

 

[song_of_serenity]

i said, and i quote, "i can't answer that for you. i can't tell you to leave your husband, or to stay with him. i think maybe you should just spend some time apart, until you get your mind clear, and decide what you want to do."

*sigh*

It was a bit TL;DR, but this stuck out. If indeed this is what you said, you did the right thing. It's HER choice to make and you left it to her to make, giving her an option to do in the meantime (instead of boldly saying "STAY" or "GO!"

If you said either stay or go, she would have done what she wanted anyway. And as many situations show, you can say "GO!" all you want and even if they're bloody and black and blue, if they want to stay, then stay the will.
~*Janelle~*

 

[esoterica]

Why does she need your opinion? Why can't she think for herself? What man in his right mind would actually think slapping a woman would knock some sense into her? Save that ish for the movies! I hope she wakes up real soon because children absorb way more than you think, regardless of whether they are 'sleeping' or not.

exactly. no woman ever really leaves her abusive husband because her friend told her to! if she had to ask, then that's the problem right there... that kind of weak-minedness will be exploited by a man.

 

[Valerie]

Why does she need your opinion? Why can't she think for herself? What man in his right mind would actually think slapping a woman would knock some sense into her? Save that ish for the movies! I hope she wakes up real soon because children absorb way more than you think, regardless of whether they are 'sleeping' or not.

You are so right.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

I voted other.Why?We all fall short.We all make mistakes. I can easily say I would leave,but truth be told...I don't know.I do know he would have been slapped back ( or worse).I know ,I know physical violence doesn't solve anything.

Now if this is a continuous ,it no longer becomes a mistake and its time to bounce!Naw homie,IM OUT. I'll be damned if im going to be scared in my OWN place. Nah,not gonna happen.


Disclaimer:Im not condoning violence AT ALL.

I have been slapped before.
Lets just say I will probably be the last female he ever slaps.

do you mind elaborating on what you mean by this?

 

[Spongie Bloom]

in terms of your friend OP she will do what she wants to do whetehr u had told her to leave or not cause when she told you she probably had made her mind up in her head already this is a personal decision that a woman has to make for herself...just like when someone is on drugs u can tell them every single day like a broken record to get off them but they wont until they truly want to, there are conditions and boundaries that i set when i get into every relatiosnhip and when that is broken i bounce that is it my daddy never laid a finger on me no random man will do that too. (just to let you know my stance on violence in relationships )

 

[sky_blu]

Didnt read the whole thing but I have to say whether you had told her to leave him or not in the end she's going to do what she wants to do. If this is his first time putting his hands on her like that, I can say its only going to get worst.

 

[weaveadiva]

BINGO! You are inserting yourself (or allowing yourself to be inserted) too much in this situation. You are talking to BOTH of them. Are you being unbiased and neutral or playing both ends? Your word is not the divine commandment nor are you their pastor. At best I would tell her what you would do in the situation and help her when she decides she is sick of getting her arse whipped

sounds like perhaps you didn't read my entire post (i know it was kinda long!)

i didn't offer advice precisely for those reasons, and no i am not talking to both of them. everything i was told came from her mouth only. i think my was response was nothing but unbiased and neutral.

and by the way, i never tell people what i "would do" in a situation. to me, that's just like offering them advice.

 

[weaveadiva]

I voted other.Why?We all fall short.We all make mistakes. I can easily say I would leave,but truth be told...I don't know.

yes, it is easy to say when you have never been in the situation, which is another reason why i hesitated to tell her one way or the other. i have never been in an abusive relationship, or hit in any way, nor am i married. who knows what i would actually do in her shoes? i think sometimes it's easy to pass opinions when it's happening to someone else and not you.

thanks for the responses, ladies...i agree with what many of you said. i can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do, and i can't make her see anything she doesn't want to see. so i'll just continue to love her and let her know i'll be there for her no matter what.

 

[foxxymami]

First off, nothing you say to her will sway her one way or the other.

Secondly, my ex-husband put his hands on my a few times in our first year of being married. I moved out..came back..moved out..came back. I ended up pregnant and it stopped. He pushed me down when I was about 7 month pregnant..that was it. I left that night and never set foot back in that apartment. After the baby, we actually tried counseling for a while, but I knew it was futile and we divorced towards the end of last year. I still wondered in my mind "what happens the next time you lose your job/get depressed/have a bad day/etc...u gonna come home and try and take it out on me then too"...I could no longer live with that kind of worry.

We were only under the same roof for little over a year in our two year marriage. I think I was in disbelief since we had known each other for almost 9 years before getting married and never even argued. Since we were so newly married, I thought I had to stay and try to work it out..I am just mad that I didn't get out any sooner.

I have absolutely no regrets and we actually get along quite well now. He had to lose his family to straighten up, which he has...but there is no turning back for me, my life is so much better the way it is now.

This statement scares the bajeebees (sp?) outta me erplexed

 

[Glitter]

OP, I think you did the right thing. You asked if she was okay and showed concern for her children. Their safety is the most important thing. It sounds like you'd be the type of friend who is willing to open your doors if your friend came asking. I also think you gave a great response. You cannot tell your friend what to do nor do you know her mental state of mind - she may not be strong enough to leave him right now (sad but true).

Did your friend make the right decision? It's pretty hard to say that it's okay to take a man's abuse. Personally, I think she should have left but again - I don't know the details so it's easy for me to sit here and give my opinion.

Please be there for her as friend. Inquire on occasion if it's happened before/continuing to happen. I think once it gets to be a repetitive habit or starts harming her and her children then you need to step in.

Good luck, I know this is difficult for you as well.

 

[sunnydaze]

This statement scares the bajeebees (sp?) outta me erplexed

Awe...don't let it..I really think my situation/circumstances were quite rare.

 

[Demi27]

I think you did the right thing. Unfortunately, when someone (male or female) is ready to leave a relationship, that is when they will leave. It doesn't matter how many times a friend, family member, etc gives theri opinion on the situation. Only the person actually going through it knows when enough is enough for them.

 

[filthyfresh]

I think you did the right thing. Unfortunately, when someone (male or female) is ready to leave a relationship, that is when they will leave. It doesn't matter how many times a friend, family member, etc gives theri opinion on the situation. Only the person actually going through it knows when enough is enough for them.

ITA. I have a hard time dealing with female friends, because they want to hear what they want to hear. I've never been one to bite my tongue, so telling a friend what she wants to hear isn't my cup of tea. I'm trying to learn to just listen & not offer my opinion unless it's solicited and even then, I have to self-edit what I say. I believe the OP did the best thing. Let her friend decide on her own.

 

[chellero]

I can see why you didn't tell her to stay or go. It wouldn't make a difference in her choice. You should tell her to get herself ready to leave her husband. She needs to figure out how to support herself instead of completely relying on him for everything. Obviously he isn't trustworthy. Maybe she'll take your advice on that.

 

[NYAmicas]

To the women that have been through this before I admire your courage. To the people who've had loved ones go through this, the same.
OP, you sound like a great friend who has put a lot of thought into this.
Two things stand out in my mind:
1) I seriously suspect there is infidelity on his part
2) She's very dependent on him
I would lend an ear and encourage her to go to school, get a job, anything that would enable to to be independent and give her something to do. As to him hitting her and giving a begrudging apology? She needs to be on her guard.....suitcase just ready.

 

[SouthernJewel]

do you mind elaborating on what you mean by this?

I have quite a few male cousins who arent afraid of jail.