Multi Racial Relationships and "THE HAIR" Discussion

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I've dated outside of my race several times and I even had an ex who VOLUNTEERED to oil my scalp regularly. He understood that to ME my hair was significant and used that way to seduce me even more!

HTH,

Absolutely LOVE it!!!

 

[TinyBlu]

Good question. I am a little scared. I keep wondering if I am just a fantasy fulfillment for him. Let's just say I have had VERY bad luck in the past with relationships period, and this is unchartered territory for me. Not sure if I am up to the challenge yet....

 

[TinyBlu]

Who started the discussion? Have you and he even done an overnighter yet? Or had sex? If not, isn't this hair thing being blown out of proportion then? I'd be more concerned about the sex being good. Worry about the hair later.

We have done the overnight thing, and since I have locs, I was able to get away with just a satin pillowcase. We both travel, so the night he brought up the questions he asked me to send him a pic and I wouldn't because I had cornrowed my locs and rolled the ends for the "wavy" look and I didn't want him to see me with rollers in my head.... yet. I joked about having the rollers in my hair and he was like... what does that mean?

So far he hasn't seen my styling process which is WAY less than it used to be now that I am natural, but if we are going to spend more time together, he is going to have to see it eventually. I can't hide away when I want to style my locs....

 

[TinyBlu]

Do we "have to" tie our hair up at night? Isn't it just something that a lot of BW choose to do? I don't tie my head some nights. I didn't as a child with natural hair. And if I had locs I certainly wouldn't do it - I would probably just get a satin pillowcase to minimize frizz and call it a day.

Anyway, calm down. Take a deep breath. Answer his questions if and when he asks them. And when you do so, do it in a self-accepting, casual way. No need to make a production about introducing him to anything. It's just hair (yeah, I know we make a big deal of it on here, but in the scheme of things it's not major).

I totally get that not all BW tie their hair down, but I can't stand having lint in my locs or frizzy locs. I find that tying them down or wearing a satin lock sock make them look better and less dry...

Also, I style my SL's a lot of different ways which involves rolling them on flexirods or doing braid outs. I tie my hair up for styling.

 

[TinyBlu]

While I do think (based on this and other posts) that you are dangerously close to letting your insecurities overpower you in this relationship, I think your SO was acting ridiculous. It's one thing to have questions when you encounter someone with different habits, but he made it sound like you were taking part in some bizarre ritual. erplexed I'm sure you wouldn't and at the idea of him washing his hair daily/multiple times a week and he should have sense enough to know that you wouldn't knowingly and repeatedly do something unhygienic with your own hair. It's not what you say, but how you say it.

It could be somewhat of a language barrier as English is not his first language. I don't think he's trying to be rude, but more of my own negative dialogue getting in the way. He seems genuinely curious and tells me all the time that he loves my "twisty things".

I just don't want to scare the poor man away when I want to style my hair...

 

[TinyBlu]

To those of you with white SO/DHs etc, do you let them touch your hair and how do they feel about the use of oils, grease, moisturisers?

Well, I am "natural", but my new guy can't keep his hands out of my hair.... He likes to pull it.... yet I digress... LOL!!!!

 

[Rei]

girl get a silk pillowcase. My bf is non-black (asian), and he doesn't "get" the whole tie up your hair at night either. he's afraid to touch my hair even though I don't mind. It kind of amuses me, but you know what? If your man wanted a wash and blow dry woman he would be with one, and not with you. Since the relationship seems new and you want to seem 'sexy' for him (i'm assuming), tie up your hair in a loose bun at night and sleep on your satin pillowcases! then your hair is both protected from rubbing up on cotton, and you still can sleep nicely.

As for the hair discussion...I mean, your hair is not like a white or a latino woman's hair. he'll have to deal with it eventually. It is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. plus rollers are NOT just a black woman thing lol. acting like he's never seen a woman in rollers...please!

 

[MD_Lady]

It could be somewhat of a language barrier as English is not his first language. I don't think he's trying to be rude, but more of my own negative dialogue getting in the way. He seems genuinely curious and tells me all the time that he loves my "twisty things".

I just don't want to scare the poor man away when I want to style my hair...

Well, at least he's not trying to be mean. And since your regimen is what it is, I don't think you should preoccupy yourself with not "scaring" him. You're taking care of your hair, something EVERYONE does, but in different ways.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

If you have locs then all you need is a satin pillowcase......if that......you dont even need a scarf.

 

[TinyBlu]

If you have locs then all you need is a satin pillowcase......if that......you dont even need a scarf.

Totally OT, your hair is GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[CurlyMoo]

My German loves my hair, and like a true European he is absolutely unknowlegeable of our hair. Which is exactly how I like it. We were shopping in Triburg and I had my head bent over looking at panty hose when he said, "awww you have little curls at the back of you head." As he was fingering them. I said, "we gotta go now." I was so embarrassed, but I realized that he sees it as beautiful nto as naps or cootabugs. LOL

He loves my hair touching it, smelling it. I don't wear scarves to bed I spread the scarf on my pillow. The only time I wear a scarf is when my hair is wet then I put a towel over the pillow case to absorb the water. Good luck honey.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

My German loves my hair, and like a true European he is absolutely unknowlegeable of our hair. Which is exactly how I like it. We were shopping in Triburg and I had my head bent over looking at panty hose when he said, "awww you have little curls at the back of you head." As he was fingering them. I said, "we gotta go now." I was so embarrassed, but I realized that he sees it as beautiful nto as naps or cootabugs. LOL

He loves my hair touching it, smelling it. I don't wear scarves to bed I spread the scarf on my pillow. The only time I wear a scarf is when my hair is wet then I put a towel over the pillow case to absorb the water. Good luck honey.

Hey CurlyMoo,
I grew up in Germany and they looooved my natural hair. Always wanted to ask if they could touch it, and they thought it was sooooo beautiful and loved it. I got so many compliments. I came back to the US as a teen and couldn't understand why everyone was so "different" about natural hair. I was surrounded by so much love, and appreciation for who I was as a person (inside and also complimented constantly about my looks:hair, skin, etc) that I didn't understand the hype. So I guess I come from that stand point that I shouldn't be ashamed myself even around other races (or scared that I'll be shunned for a feature like my hair). If anyone ever does I think they're flawed lol! I think in that area I had it easier as it helped shaped my mindset about myself and I never had hang ups with things like natural versus relaxed. I just don't take hair that seriously and I think that others should just kim if they have a problem with me being a natural (same as if I was relaxed). Nor am I paranoid or assume that someone instantly has a problem either.

I think it's wonderful that your German man was admiring your hair. It's funny our perceptions (or those created in our community) versus others. Don't get me wrong I'm sure sometimes others have negative perceptions but again it's up to us to realize our beauty and just hold our heads up and shine regardless.

 

[Michelle1971]

If you have locs then all you need is a satin pillowcase......if that......you dont even need a scarf.

I have to disagree...it is much better to tie locs up than to just have a satin pillowcase. Lint trapped in locs can be a major problem. That can come from her sheets or blankets, etc.

To those of you with white SO/DHs etc, do you let them touch your hair and how do they feel about the use of oils, grease, moisturisers?

Yes, he has touched, caressed, and pulled my hair. Doesn't mind the oil use or care about it. No different than the Black SO's...*shrug*

 

[JollyGal]

Pretty much!

I love waking up, nappy hair all over my head and all over creation... and yep, a white man saw it just like that!

Then he made me coffee.

That's all folks

 

[Optimus_Prime]

My German loves my hair, and like a true European he is absolutely unknowlegeable of our hair. Which is exactly how I like it. We were shopping in Triburg and I had my head bent over looking at panty hose when he said, "awww you have little curls at the back of you head." As he was fingering them. I said, "we gotta go now." I was so embarrassed, but I realized that he sees it as beautiful nto as naps or cootabugs. LOL

He loves my hair touching it, smelling it. I don't wear scarves to bed I spread the scarf on my pillow. The only time I wear a scarf is when my hair is wet then I put a towel over the pillow case to absorb the water. Good luck honey.

I've never heard that one before

I was wondering what you were doing in Deutschland since you started that thread in Area Meetups

 

[jamaica68]

Yes Gurl Preach! I am dating this WM right now and he is trying to tell me about my own hair products just cause his last girl was natural. He talks about wash n go's, co-washing, bantu knots (which I dont even wear), TWA's and whatever else his last girlfriend exposed him to. Its very annoying, he told me I shouldn't use Aussie moist cause it has alcohol in it. I'm like when did you become an expert on black hair? STFU and fall back!
As for the OP, you dont have to educate him on your hair just enjoy being in a relationship.

I'm screaming lol

 

[frida1980]

This discussion varies per person. I tend to take it on a need to know basis. Meaning questions like:

"Why do you need to have all these products?"
"Why do you do this or that?"
Will get very short answers.
"Because it's good for my hair. It looks pretty doesn't it?" (puppy dog eyes) End conversation.

Giving a dissertation is unnessary unless he really wants to know. All men know that all women use lots of products for their hair, skin, and body. Just like even the least fashion conscious still have way more clothes and shoes that necessary. Just roll with it. Or make it fun for the both of you. Until he actually has to BUY these products for you with HIS money, it should be on a need to know basis.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Hey CurlyMoo,
I grew up in Germany and they looooved my natural hair. Always wanted to ask if they could touch it, and they thought it was sooooo beautiful and loved it. I got so many compliments. I came back to the US as a teen and couldn't understand why everyone was so "different" about natural hair. I was surrounded by so much love, and appreciation for who I was as a person (inside and also complimented constantly about my looks:hair, skin, etc) that I didn't understand the hype. So I guess I come from that stand point that I shouldn't be ashamed myself even around other races (or scared that I'll be shunned for a feature like my hair). If anyone ever does I think they're flawed lol! I think in that area I had it easier as it helped shaped my mindset about myself and I never had hang ups with things like natural versus relaxed. I just don't take hair that seriously and I think that others should just kim if they have a problem with me being a natural (same as if I was relaxed). Nor am I paranoid or assume that someone instantly has a problem either.

I think it's wonderful that your German man was admiring your hair. It's funny our perceptions (or those created in our community) versus others. Don't get me wrong I'm sure sometimes others have negative perceptions but again it's up to us to realize our beauty and just hold our heads up and shine regardless.

Thank you Luckiestdestiny, I had heard so many negative perceptions of Germany and Germans. Being there helped me remember that how one person or culture percieves something is totally different than another culture/person. I managed to develop an understanding and fall in love with my natural hair but the curls at the nape I still get twinges of pain from childhood. The moment he touched them and made a comment I thought he can't like them, he must be teasing me. Like I have experienced in the past and still do when around certain people. I actually would love to emerce myself in another culture that excepts who I am.

Before I left to go to Germany I was in the mirror checking my appearance when my sister came up behind me and combed my nape, just out of the blue because she was trying to get rid of those curls. It was a very uncomfortable feeling, besides the fact that the comb does not go through my nape like butter; snap crackle and pop baby. So I guess I still had some left over sensitivity.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I've never heard that one before

I was wondering what you were doing in Deutschland since you started that thread in Area Meetups

Are you serious cootabugs is famous. I know someone else that calls them cocoabugs Perhaps I'm not spelling it right.:scratchch It's not a term anyone should know anyway.

Look at you Inpsector Prime, I was in Deutschland for vacation among other delightful things. :eyebrows2 It's a beautiful country and I came back so rested and peaceful. I had a feeling lurkers were suspicious of my travel plans. It was much too quiet in that thread. 92 views and only a few people responded.