Multi Racial Relationships and "THE HAIR" Discussion

TinyBlu

TinyBlu

Well-Known Member
A lot of you know that I have recently started seriously dating a Mexican man (first time dating outside my race as well as his), and we started having "the hair" discussion on the phone last night, and as they say in my neck of the woods.... BLESS HIS HEART!!!

It appears that he has only dated straight haired or wavy haired Latinas or Mulattos (SP) and has absolutely NO CLUE about black hair and that makes me nervous.

I have Sisterlocks, so he is getting somewhat of an education about natural hair, but I really don't think he gets it. I know for a fact that there are some Hispanics that have thicker hair (the Dominican that did my hair BL- before locs-had locs herself), but when I told him that we have to tie our hair up at night, he seemed mortified!!! He was like "what does that mean" and "I've never seen anyone put something on their head at night to sleep..." "why would you do that?" "won't that make your hair smell?" "How does that look...." the questions kept coming!!!!

So, outside of renting "Good Hair", I thought about grabbing some pics from the internet of sistas in head wraps or scarves (not the cute ones either--the ones like we are going to bed) to give him a mini education, but it seems like a lot to do. I mean REALLY?

I am really trying here, but once again, this is WAY uncomfortable for me. Yes, I have had that moment when dating brothers when they get to see me before bed, but at least they had a sister, mother, grandma or cousin that wore the infamous head scarf. At least they knew about relaxers, weaves, naturals, etc.

I seriously think my guy is used to the wash and blow dry every day woman. He is in for a rude awakening.

HELP ladies!!! I am so afraid my own insecurities about this whole bi-racial thing are gonna get the best of me...
 
I have dated one white guy a long time ago but he was an idiot, I don't think he even knew how to spell hair, so he didn't care. This is one of my IRR fears, the questions... I have no idea what you should do but I don't think good hair is the right movie it kinda makes us look crazy. Maybe send him to youtube or make him read some stuff here? I would date outside of my race again but I do sort of like them dumb soooo I don't expect problems. ;)
 
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Yup, you have to get over your own insecurities.
If you feel like giving him a mini-education, do so. It's the only way he'll learn.
Or just answer the questions he has as they come.
Just keep your locs fresh and clean and pretty and he'll get over it and see that it's no big deal.
He'll also come to appreciate that he doesn't have to wait all day for his woman to get her hair ready, LOL.
ETA: my dh is white and had no clue but he learned as we went along. He saw me go from relaxed to natural to loc'd to natural to loc'd again so he's seen it all. Don't make more of a big deal than it is.
 
Not all black women tie up their hair at night. My hair is nappier than nappy and I haven't worn a scarf or bonnet to bed in years.
I think you have more of an issue than he does. His questions don't equal a lack of acceptance. Obviously he knew your hair is different when you met and started dating so it's not something that he's turned off by. My question to you is why are you letting the fact that you're different from the women he's dated in the past bother you so much?
 
At least he's asking questions instead of assuming....

Don't let the isue "hair" be the sore spot of building a relationship with someone :nono:
 
cheetarah1980 said:
Not all black women tie up their hair at night. My hair is nappier than nappy and I haven't worn a scarf or bonnet to bed in years.
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Pretty much!

I love waking up, nappy hair all over my head and all over creation... and yep, a white man saw it just like that! :p

Then he made me coffee. :D
 
There are going to be differences, that's a given. How you and he react to those differences will be a critical factor in how things progress. The "Won't that make your hair smell" question gave me pause. If he is going to freak out every time a difference pops up... :nono:
 
I don't know....I find him a bit rude...e.g. being so mortified about something as silly as a scarf (so he's never seen a woman with a scarf on?) or saying "won't that make your hair smell?

I've dated non black men and the way that I've handled it is to not go into over explaining or apologizing for what you do with your hair. It is what it is. I just told them I do this to keep my hair from frizzing up...end of story. What I would typically do is if I thought we were going to have sex, I would wrap my head after we were done if I thought it needed to be wrapped.

I also would not recommend the movie "Good Hair". The part at the end where he prods a group of black men into saying that black women's weaves and issues with hair is the reason brothers prefer white women is stupid and honestly won't help your cause of getting him to understand that our hair care needs are different.
 
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Bunny77 said:
Pretty much!

I love waking up, nappy hair all over my head and all over creation... and yep, a white man saw it just like that! :p

Then he made me coffee. :D
Click to expand...

Now that's a keeper in my book :lol:

To the OP, this is nothing to get worried about. He's innocently curious. Stay calm and cool when he asks you questions, you don't want him to think you have hang ups about hair.

My ex-DH used to ask me all kinds of questions about my hair regimen. Not because it was his first time with a woman of color, but it was his first time with someone who relaxed and wore their hair straight every now and then as opposed to natural 24/7, which was his experiences with the others. He was not a fan of "stretching" my hair (his term for "straightening", as English was not his first language). It didn't bother me that he didn't like my hair when it was straight, and I explained to him why I did it, why this needed more upkeep than natural hair, etc. It was a teachable moment for him.
 
He was like "what does that mean" and "I've never seen anyone put something on their head at night to sleep..." "why would you do that?" "won't that make your hair smell?" "How does that look...." the questions kept coming!!!!
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Who started the discussion? Have you and he even done an overnighter yet? Or had sex? If not, isn't this hair thing being blown out of proportion then? I'd be more concerned about the sex being good. Worry about the hair later.
 
Hair should not make or break a genuine connection. You will both have curiosities to satisfy, but that's it. You are black, and certain things come with the territory. He is Mexican, you will have to expect differences from his end also. Difference is what makes us all beautiful and interesting.
 
TinyBlu said:
I have Sisterlocks, so he is getting somewhat of an education about natural hair, but I really don't think he gets it. I know for a fact that there are some Hispanics that have thicker hair (the Dominican that did my hair BL- before locs-had locs herself), but when I told him that we have to tie our hair up at night, he seemed mortified!!! He was like "what does that mean" and "I've never seen anyone put something on their head at night to sleep..." "why would you do that?" "won't that make your hair smell?" "How does that look...." the questions kept coming!!!!
Click to expand...
Do we "have to" tie our hair up at night? Isn't it just something that a lot of BW choose to do? I don't tie my head some nights. I didn't as a child with natural hair. And if I had locs I certainly wouldn't do it - I would probably just get a satin pillowcase to minimize frizz and call it a day.

Anyway, calm down. Take a deep breath. Answer his questions if and when he asks them. And when you do so, do it in a self-accepting, casual way. No need to make a production about introducing him to anything. It's just hair (yeah, I know we make a big deal of it on here, but in the scheme of things it's not major).
 
MissMasala5 said:
My ex-DH used to ask me all kinds of questions about my hair regimen. Not because it was his first time with a woman of color, but it was his first time with someone who relaxed and wore their hair straight every now and then as opposed to natural 24/7, which was his experiences with the others. He was not a fan of "stretching" my hair (his term for "straightening", as English was not his first language). It didn't bother me that he didn't like my hair when it was straight, and I explained to him why I did it, why this needed more upkeep than natural hair, etc. It was a teachable moment for him.
Click to expand...

Going on a tangent for a bit, this above is one of the reasons why I don't really understand some BW's need to date a non-BM who's dated BW before. We aren't all the same and don't do the same things. As you mentioned, your ex was used to black women with natural hair, and he had to re-learn when it came to you. It worked out fine for you, but I've dealt with some WM who come at me all proud of themselves because they "know about black women," and think they can tell me about MY hair because of what their last girlfriend/ex-wife did.

The only thing that I'd say is pretty universal about black hair is that it needs much more moisture than the average Caucasian/Asian/non-Afro Hispanic head of hair. Other than that, there's no such thing as, "black women have to..." when it comes to hair.

Black women don't "have to" wrap their hair, don't "have to" stay out of the rain, don't "have to" grease it up, etc.... the only things black women have to do are what is best for the style/texture they're wearing at the time.

I wish some non-BM would tell me what they "know" about black women based on what some past black woman told them "this is what black women/people" do.
 
psh, I've been with/dated plenty of white guys. It's hilarious to me that they seem to appreciate/LOVE my hair [when I was natural] more than blacks. Tsk. Don't make it a big deal .. It never has been for me. I told my ex the differences & he wasn't rude. He was fascinated hahah. And he thought I was a little nuts bc of all the stuff I do to it. HEHE, but that doesn't bother me!
 
I probably wouldn't discuss it anymore...when the time comes just let him see the things you do with hair and answer any questions then. I also agree with NOT renting Good Hair...it gave a negative representation from my standpoint.
 
TayMac said:
I also agree with NOT renting Good Hair...it gave a negative representation from my standpoint.
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Also agree...

My FH did watch it... last month. I haven't seen it, so he sent me text messages with some of the more amusing lines. He specifically mentioned the barbershop scene near the end with the black men talking about how they prefer white women because of BW's weaves.

FH joked that he should go to that barbershop, find those guys and mess with their heads about his experiences with my hair. :p

Another BW I know with a W husband, however, told him to watch "Good Hair" to understand what she goes through. The funny thing is, the husband saw the movie, then wanted her to meet me and see my hair because he wanted her to go natural and stop being worried about getting her hair wet. Go figure.
 
I don't think I've ever had the "talk" I just popped up with a scarf or a satin pillowcase at bedtime. If my guy did ask I'd just say: "you like they way my hair looks don't you?"
him: "yeah"
me: "when my hair rubs up against the pillowcase it can break the strands and get tangled."
him: "oh okay"

I can't get away without banding/twisting and wrapping up my hair for very long. Can you say...Knot City and Way Back Edge Blvd.? :lachen:

If he's got you in bed with him your haircare habits should be the last thing on his mind anyway. Just sayin'
 
Bunny77 said:
Also agree...

My FH did watch it... last month. I haven't seen it, so he sent me text messages with some of the more amusing lines. He specifically mentioned the barbershop scene near the end with the black men talking about how they prefer white women because of BW's weaves.

FH joked that he should go to that barbershop, find those guys and mess with their heads about his experiences with my hair. :p

Another BW I know with a W husband, however, told him to watch "Good Hair" to understand what she goes through. The funny thing is, the husband saw the movie, then wanted her to meet me and see my hair because he wanted her to go natural and stop being worried about getting her hair wet. Go figure.
Click to expand...

To be fair, I did not watch the entire thing because I didn't find it interesting. It was extremely one-sided and as far as the OP is concerned, I doubt if sisterlocks were mentioned. It was all weaves, relaxers, wigs and "don't touch my hair."
 
While I do think (based on this and other posts) that you are dangerously close to letting your insecurities overpower you in this relationship, I think your SO was acting ridiculous. It's one thing to have questions when you encounter someone with different habits, but he made it sound like you were taking part in some bizarre ritual. :perplexed I'm sure you wouldn't :shocked: and :barf: at the idea of him washing his hair daily/multiple times a week and he should have sense enough to know that you wouldn't knowingly and repeatedly do something unhygienic with your own hair. It's not what you say, but how you say it. ;)
 
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I think doing a big "explanation" is a bad idea. It makes it seem awkward and more than it is. It also makes it seem like you are speaking for all black women and you are not.

My old college roommate was having dinner with my fiance and I and she asked if I had "explained" black hair to my FH who I have been with for almost 4 years.

I gave her the death stare.

What is there to explain? I take care of my hair how I see fit just like his mother and grandmother and any other woman takes care of their hair as they see fit. If questions come up along the way, I answer them. Other than that, I don't see the big deal.

BTW, his mother washes, moisturizes and straightens her hair once a week and has her own regimen. We would be surprised to know the regimen of a lot of non-black women (especially older women) are a lot similar to ours. We are too busy "othering" ourselves and making ourselves look like aliens to notice.
 
princessnad said:
I think doing a big "explanation" is a bad idea. It makes it seem awkward and more than it is. It also makes it seem like you are speaking for all black women and you are not.

My old college roommate was having dinner with my fiance and I and she asked if I had "explained" black hair to my FH who I have been with for almost 4 years.

I gave her the death stare.

What is there to explain? I take care of my hair how I see fit just like his mother and grandmother and any other woman takes care of their hair as they see fit. If questions come up along the way, I answer them. Other than that, I don't see the big deal.

BTW, his mother washes, moisturizes and straightens her hair once a week and has her own regimen. We would be surprised to know the regimen of a lot of non-black women (especially older women) are a lot similar to ours. We are too busy "othering" ourselves and making ourselves look like aliens to notice.
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Thank you. You are you. Period.What's to explain unless he asks? And even then, he needs to be on board or move his butt because there's nothing wrong with your hair.
 
Slightly off-topic but it was mentioned...for those who do not "tie" their hair down at night...are you using silk or satin pillow cases? My hair has a lot of oil (from the moisturizing products I use) and my face would really break out if I didn't wear something. On topic...I don't know what to say as I've never dated outside of my race/ethnicity....I'm not sure how I'd take the questions/reactions to "tying" my hair down. :perplexed
 
^^^LMAO Thinking the same thing. Even with those pillow cases, my hair would have to be manipulated in the morning (unless I had dreads) and I'm all about low manipulation (usually braids, or flat ironed and cross wrapped). And I don't like my braids frizzy, or my hair. So I want my look to "keep" as long as it can. As I wash only once a week (sometimes every 2 now that I'm mbl and it just takes too long) and just dry wash in between (with dry shampoo). My thoughts were more about this than "product". But whatever gets the job done. Either way I don't think op should worry. It's her hair, and whatever she wants done to it, he needs to adore her (headscarf or not) just the way she is.
 
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Bunny77 said:
Going on a tangent for a bit, this above is one of the reasons why I don't really understand some BW's need to date a non-BM who's dated BW before. We aren't all the same and don't do the same things. As you mentioned, your ex was used to black women with natural hair, and he had to re-learn when it came to you. It worked out fine for you, but I've dealt with some WM who come at me all proud of themselves because they "know about black women," and think they can tell me about MY hair because of what their last girlfriend/ex-wife did.

The only thing that I'd say is pretty universal about black hair is that it needs much more moisture than the average Caucasian/Asian/non-Afro Hispanic head of hair. Other than that, there's no such thing as, "black women have to..." when it comes to hair.

Black women don't "have to" wrap their hair, don't "have to" stay out of the rain, don't "have to" grease it up, etc.... the only things black women have to do are what is best for the style/texture they're wearing at the time.

I wish some non-BM would tell me what they "know" about black women based on what some past black woman told them "this is what black women/people" do.
Click to expand...

Yes Gurl Preach! I am dating this WM right now and he is trying to tell me about my own hair products just cause his last girl was natural. He talks about wash n go's, co-washing, bantu knots (which I dont even wear), TWA's and whatever else his last girlfriend exposed him to. Its very annoying, he told me I shouldn't use Aussie moist cause it has alcohol in it. I'm like when did you become an expert on black hair? STFU and fall back!

As for the OP, you dont have to educate him on your hair just enjoy being in a relationship.
 
To those of you with white SO/DHs etc, do you let them touch your hair and how do they feel about the use of oils, grease, moisturisers?
 
Hello Darling,

I think you're putting too much emphasis on the hair thing.
You need to remind yourself that first of all if you have sisterlocks and hes been with you he sure knows youre not a wash blow dry woman.

Take a deep breath and accept that hair is hair. You have the choice to educate him as you go along or answer his questions. The more you teach him the better IMO.

I've dated outside of my race several times and I even had an ex who VOLUNTEERED to oil my scalp regularly. He understood that to ME my hair was significant and used that way to seduce me even more!

HTH,
 
carolinetwin said:
To those of you with white SO/DHs etc, do you let them touch your hair and how do they feel about the use of oils, grease, moisturisers?
Click to expand...

Yes. My hair is wild anyway, so it's not like it's a neat tidy style someone's going to mess up. Doesn't care about stuff in it as along as it smells good.
 
I think you're making a bigger deal out of this than there needs to be. To (most) guys hair is hair and as long as it's healthy and stylish I doubt decent guys much care. My roomie for 2 years was an Asian guy and although we had separate bedrooms and bathrooms the hair discussion did come up and he was naturally curious (especially when Good Hair came out) but didn't make a big deal out of it and neither did I. I just explained how black hair is and my own regimen and that was that. If the guy really is into you, whether you wear a headscarf to sleep or not won't matter.
 
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