Mother Daughter Relationship W/ Grandchild. What To Do?

PrissiSippi

PrissiSippi

Simply Komplex
My mother is straight savage.

She has always used criticism and manipulation to get me to do what she wants.

I dont depend on her for anything. I dont ask for anything. She treats me like I am nothing but I have caught her saying I'm not the one she worried about because I always get it done.

However I have a child now. I need her for things such as baby sitting occasionally. I have friends and students that will keep my child. But for long overnight stuff of course I need her because DH parents live an hour out and are not retired.

So I wrote my mother a letter the other day after we got into a bad arguement. Because I want to leave DH and other stuff she told me she wants me to fail because of Karma and nobody wants me except DH. She told me if I leave it's because I'm a "gutbucket" <-- figure it out. I told her how I feel and told her if she wants to be in me and her grandchild life she will have to stop criticizing me.

She read said letter on fb but never responded. She's this type she will never apologize for what she did because in her head it was justified and I cursed her out so I'm disobedient as her child.

I'm going to LA Wednesday-Sunday for a work conference. These are my options. Take baby with me to LA. Or confront my mother and apologize and ask her to keep baby which I feel gives her power. Baby is only 3 months.

Her last words is that you will need me before I need you so I don't care about you.

What to do?
 
:eek:1. DH may should step up to the plate regardless of what's going on between the 2 of you.
2. Contact DH parents and see if they can take the little one on for a week starting today...until you return. Perhaps they will drive and meet you half-way.
3. Are there relatives in your area? Will they help out?
4. Regarding Mom, stand your ground as far as your "healthy" boundaries go. In time she may prove to be a better Grandmother than she was a mom; just understand the bar is already starting out pretty low.




ETA: some 6 hours later and I just looked up what a Gut Bucket is...:eek: way'a'min:eek::eek:? I have no words....perhaps she was reflecting back on her own lifestyle?choices? Wow:angry2:......just wow. Again, stand yo'ground Miss
 
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In order to prove a point you will have to do just that.

I hope that you can resolve and move forward in a positive way. For now I suggest your hubby assist with his resources as well. I'm keeping you and your mom in my thoughts.

Good luck.
 
Your mom called you a gut bucket? Stand your ground. She is not the only one who can watch your child. You and dh will have to put your heads together to figure this out. You must. You can do it. You can't curse someone out then ask them to watch your baby for five days. If you have to, take the baby with you. Expand your support system, even if that means talking to your boss, HR etc. to get short term support and understanding, etc. Talk to your closest and dearest friends. Calm down, meditate, pray, make a plan, be strong. You will figure this out, and looking back years from now you will be so proud of your resolve.
 
If my mom told me that she wouldn't hear from me for at least 5 years. Stop telling her your business and make yourself very scarce.

Your baby is too young. Stop signing up for these overnight conferences and such. Now is not the time for that. DS is too young and fragile. If you and DH can't figure it out between the two of you, you shouldn't go.
 
I think it's one or the other. You can't use her as a babysitter if things are not right between you two, and she has not offered her services.

Your dh or in-laws will have to handle the babysitting. If that can't work, then maybe you just can't go to this conference. I don't think talking a 3 month baby to a work conference is an option
 
topnotch1010 said:
If my mom told me that she wouldn't hear from me for at least 5 years. Stop telling her your business and make yourself very scarce.

Your baby is too young. Stop signing up for these overnight conferences and such. Now is not the time for that. DS is too young and fragile. If you and DH can't figure it out between the two of you, you shouldn't go.
Click to expand...

Ain't no way in hell I would leave my child with this woman. Ain't no way any man I had a child with would let me leave my child with this woman.

Let me get out of this thread.
 
I wouldn't even consider leaving my baby with this woman.

Your husband should accompany you on the trip and take care of the little one. If that is not possible, find someone who can go with you to provide care when you are working. I would want my baby with me.
 
I have to go to the conference because I already paid for it. Flights nonrefundable. Room is nonrefundable if I don't cancel by tomorrow. And I paid $2000 to go on this trip. Which is a lot to just say *** it.

When I show up they will write me a check for my expenses because I won an award. I didn't sign up just to go. I won a national award but I had to pay my expenses up front and turn in w4's to be reimbursed as soon as a touch down.

My mother had already offered to keep DS. In fact she was keeping him until school got out but I didn't like that she was so distant the other day. I said it wouldn't go well so I put him in daycare starting tomorrow.

DH plane ticket was included in said award. My mother is a early childhood specialist. This is her life/passion. I don't worry about him with her but this is a pride thing because of the whole you will fail and me getting tired of her cursing me out and jabbing me all the time.

No family with kids this young. I told my brother he told me to apologize to my mother.

My decision right now is that I'm going over to my mother's. I'm going to explain components of my letter with my husband there. I will explain Life is too short for me to feel manipulated all the time. It's too much psychologically especially with a little one and I feel u transfer that stuff to your kids subconsciously. She is so obsessed with self image hopefully she won't be nasty to me with him right there and listen. I will ask her if she is still keeping him for this trip and if not we will take him with me to LA. Guilt will hopefully make her not talk crazy to me. After I get back I'm cutting ties with her other than doing what I'm supposed to do. Visiting briefly, birthday Christmas Vday presents and etc.
 
Girl your life is complicated. Oh wee. But I think I understand. I just want to ask though, your argument with your mother partially stemmed from you telling her that you want to leave your DH but you're bringing your DH along when you stand up to her and explain your position? Does he know that you've been planning to leave him and having this discussion with other people?

I think you need to stop telling your relationship business to your mother because from what I gather from other threads, both your parents and in-laws are on his side.

This is who I tell things I can't tell other people:

Priest-Confession-Booth-225x300.jpg


I'm being very serious....

Also, I'm not sure how your mom is but if this were to arise with my mother, I'd just call and be like "So mummy you're still keeping Adrian for me for the week while I attend my conference?". She'll be like "Yes, don't forget to bring is Xs". I drop him off and we give each other the "I'm still mad at you look" and that is that. I'm not sure how your relationship is but I don't think the extra theatrics is necessary.

Lastly, congratulations on your award and I hope that this conference and week getaway with your hubby allow you the time to reconnect :)
 
I don't understand.

If your husband is there, just bring your son along. Why would you go crawling back after you made such a huge deal out of not needing her? You're coming across as needy and this leads to the drama that arises in your stories (see SIL issue for another anecdote).
I'm quite stubborn and personally, it'll take an act of congress to go back to ask her for help after kicking up such a big storm. And while I do think mending fences may be necessary (you both said some harsh things), it wouldn't be because I needed her babysitting services.
 
PrissiSippi said:
I have to go to the conference because I already paid for it. Flights nonrefundable. Room is nonrefundable if I don't cancel by tomorrow. And I paid $2000 to go on this trip. Which is a lot to just say ***
Click to expand...

It sucks to have paid for something you don't go to, however I would rather forfeit $2000 then have to receiver/ask for help from my mother if I were in this situation. These are the kind of sacrifices we have to make ($2000) once we become mothers.

For one reason or another, there are parents with kids who do not receive assistance from the grandparents...it can be done (no doubt it is hard). Your mother is not your only option.
 
I think you're so used to bring beat down you don't know what peace looks like. The way your mother treats you is unacceptable. Her background as an early childhood specialist hasn't provided her with the tools to treat her own daughter with respect so WHY do you keep assuming that she will treat your son any better?

Refusing to see people for who they are doesn't make them evil it makes you foolish for continuing to do the same things expecting a different result.

Your husband is traveling with you so take your child and protect him. Ask hotel for nanny referral and pay for nanny to sit with your husband if you don't trust him to watch child alone. You don't need your mother you just want to attempt to have upper hand by getting in the last word and making her keep promise to watch your son. You sent letter, she's not responding the way that you want so now you're prepping for another confrontation?

Grown women do grown things. I wouldn't trust your mother with a pet let alone a 3 month old child. If you ready to cut her off then cut her off. Don't threaten to do so then add an asterisk so you have an excuse to re engage every holiday that comes around.

You are not the victim in your life. Take back your power and stop inviting people to hurt you.
 
If you don't go to the conference, can't you still get the award in the mail or something? Yes, $2000 is significant money but if you completely run out of options, it is still just money. You can replace it.

Why in heaven's name would you want to talk to your mother and ask her to watch the baby? That would just give her something to rub in your face because it would prove she is right...that you need her before she needs you.

If you are really planning on leaving your DH why can't you take the baby ? If you are leaving the man, you don't really need baby free time because I'm guessing you aren't spending much time having fun and doing things couples do when the baby is away. He can watch the baby while you get your award.
 
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topnotch1010 said:
If my mom told me that she wouldn't hear from me for at least 5 years. Stop telling her your business and make yourself very scarce.

Your baby is too young. Stop signing up for these overnight conferences and such. Now is not the time for that. DS is too young and fragile. If you and DH can't figure it out between the two of you, you shouldn't go.
Click to expand...
:amen:

Congrats on the award but there is no reason ya'll cant just take the baby
 
This situation is difficult to understand. Sounds very stressful. Honestly, with such a toxic relationship with mom, I'd be hesitant to bring my DH around because she may spill the beans on my divorce plans out of spite. But maybe that's just paranoia.

Hope everything works out for your family.
 
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