Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
Taking your baby with you will avoid so much drama, OP. You have to take full charge of the things you can actually control and stop leaving the door open for the madness.
Mother Daughter Relationship W/ Grandchild. What To Do?
- Thread starter PrissiSippi
- Start date
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
She left the house so when I showed up with DH she wasn't at the house to talk to me.
amwcah
Well-Known Member
That may have been for the best.She left the house so when I showed up with DH she wasn't at the house to talk to me.
Cheleigh
Well-Known Member
I would not leave my kid even at this age with anyone who remote shades me or my kid. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
When I had a week long conference to attend when kid was a toddler, I took DH with me to watch her. I just wasn't comfortable yet leaving her, and I'm not a helicopter parent at all. If my DH had been shaky for any reason, I would have hired an experienced nanny or caregiver to stay with them during the day for the week. At 3 months my baby was still exclusively breastfeed so no option to leave kid with anyone.
Pray that you and DH can work out if possible. Newborn baby and new parenthood is extremely taxing on a marriage.
When I had a week long conference to attend when kid was a toddler, I took DH with me to watch her. I just wasn't comfortable yet leaving her, and I'm not a helicopter parent at all. If my DH had been shaky for any reason, I would have hired an experienced nanny or caregiver to stay with them during the day for the week. At 3 months my baby was still exclusively breastfeed so no option to leave kid with anyone.
Pray that you and DH can work out if possible. Newborn baby and new parenthood is extremely taxing on a marriage.
chocolat79
Well-Known Member
Sometimes you have to love people from afar and accept them for who they are, including parents. Calling someone out of their name and wishing failure upon someone is not nice, no matter who says it. So whoever did that to me, including a parent, I'd avoid them. Parents, siblings, family, are people first. And some just aren't good people. You had no choice in being related to them, but you have a choice in dealing with them as an adult. Sometimes you have to face the truth that your family member is not a nice person and act accordingly. No matter how much you may want that loving, close relationship with her, it may not happen and it's something that if you accept it, it benefits you.
If she kept you fed, clothed, educated, unharmed (from outsiders) as a child, use that as a basis for respect on that alone. No need to curse her, but limit your time around her. You'll be much happier for it.
If she kept you fed, clothed, educated, unharmed (from outsiders) as a child, use that as a basis for respect on that alone. No need to curse her, but limit your time around her. You'll be much happier for it.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
She read my note and accidently sent me a message back with nothing in it but a period.She left the house so when I showed up with DH she wasn't at the house to talk to me.
She ended up calling me. I was like hey...she was silent. I Was just like...I'm going to Los Angeles still. Will you keep DS while we're away. He will be at daycare during the day. She said yes just label everything for me so I can be organized and bring more toys for him.
Strangely. I take this as the closest Ima ever get to an apology.
If I regret this decision so be it. *shrugs*. We'll see.
Dee-Licious
Well-Known Member
Siiigggh... girl... girl 
silverbuttons
Not Impressed
Even if you arent able to make a clear judgment call (its your mother afterall), why would your husband allow this?
chebaby
Well-Known Member
you not ready. not at all.
she not apologizing cause she aint sorry.
how can you let some one not just disrespect you but tell you after they disrespect you that you will need them before they need you(which by the way is my favorite thing to say to people) and you actually prove her right by asking her for help
you not ready.
oh and your last line, you shouldn't speak that into existence
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
I am not sure why you create threads as if to genuinely seek feedback and then do what you intended all along?
You will never gain the respect of anyone by allowing bad behavior, especially your parents. A good mother-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships you can have and I truly hope your mother can start treating you like the amazing woman that you are.
I know you spent 2G's but sometimes making a point can be costly.
You will never gain the respect of anyone by allowing bad behavior, especially your parents. A good mother-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships you can have and I truly hope your mother can start treating you like the amazing woman that you are.
I know you spent 2G's but sometimes making a point can be costly.
SpiritJunkie
Well-Known Member
Well...most of the ladies said what I would have advise. Good luck. Boundaries really need to be set with your mother.
Keen
Well-Known Member
@PrissiSippi At some point you will need to look in the mirror if you ever want a better relationship with your mother.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
He can't be my captain save all. He's not this macho guy either that's gonna be like you do this and you do that. It's like...yeah I notice the difference in how she treats you and your brother. That's unfortunate but what exactly can he do.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
I understand this but I'm the money saavy person in my relationship. My DH makes more but we're still young 2000 is a lot to just throw away for a point.
Plus I've wanted this trip for awhile and deserve it. I bust my tail at this miserable school.
She already put me 1500 in the hole. Adding another 2000 plus with a newborn, medical bills, and paying daycare, and managing her rental house. Nahhh I ain't ready.
I plan to basically use her for this trip, go get my baby afterwards and keep her at arm's length afterwards.
Threads like this offer good advice. Like someone told me that if she treats men well let DH or my brother talk to her about keeping DS instead of me. Made sense. And I took that advice and took DH with me. Plan back fired but I did take its
And early in when I made these threads I figured this was normal mother daughter stuff. I now know through you all...this stuff ain't right. That's at least one step...realization.
It's easy to cut someone off when they do nothing for you. I just made a thread about feeling like no one is willing to help you in the community or my brother yada yada. This the only woman who at least half way helps me succeed. But it's only to proliferate her love for self-image to brag about me to others but cut me with words to my face.
*shrugs* I'm finna become really selfish towards my wants. Selfish at this point means taking some time for me and enjoying this weeklong vacation off of work. Just like my SIL was real selfish getting my mama to keep her kids while she worked silently to start up a business.
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bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
He can tell you not to leave his child with that woman.
He can skip trip and watch his child while you're away.
This isn't the Nobel Prize. You both don't have to be there. You'd do better to call a friend and take their teenager with you to watch son with you out of town than to leave him with your mother.
Dee-Licious
Well-Known Member
@PrissiSippi why didn't you want to take your son with you and your DH? Since babies fly free anyway
RocStar
Well-Known Member
Girl, you are all over the place.
As you move forward I would suggest you not be selfish because again, once you have a child they should the basis of all (most) of your decisions. Once you become a mom, you lose the privilege to be selfish. It is all about balance.
It is hard to be in a relatively new marriage and have a child and try to balance it all. You live and you learn and will make mistakes, but if you put the focus into building and strengthening your family (hubby and child) you will find that things can get easier.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
That man don't care about me leaving him with my mom. The arguement doesn't involve him and he knows for the most part she cares for DS cuz it's her grandson. Just like when I got into it with his mom about criticizing me that was my own battle not his. That's him. Annoys me to the heavens but that's him.
I hear ya about going alone but it's different though. I'm slick disabled. I'm able to be independent but still. Bruh I'm not going to LA and not know anyone.
Teenagers or young adults are in college. Can't miss class or have to work. Everyone has a life.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
Because that's too stressful. He's only had one set of shots. I don't like him around so many people. I don't even want him in daycare. His first day was yesterday so I already paid for a week of daycare that I would be forfeiting. I would have to take a stroller and car seat. I didn't plan on renting a car now I would need to.
This is too much just to prove a point to me.
I'm going to a conference so I'll be popping in and out and honestly I've never been a day/moment without him...I need a break for my balance. I could do it but if I don't have to I would rather not.
futurelonglocks
Well-Known Member
Talking to each other like y'all are strangers on the street is not a good mother daughter relationship. You taking your son to her only continues the cycle of dysfunction. Ain't no way I'm taking my child to my mom after she called me what she called you. You pointed out that she has a passion for children so you aren't worried about your son- how did her passion work out for you? Earlier you said if you regret the decision the so be it- you're willing to risk leaving your baby with her because you don't want to forfeit your money? I don't mean to sound harsh at all but anybody that is disrespectful to me, calling me out of my name, etc is a risk for me and my family to be around.
At the bolded- based on your previous posts about you and DH going to church- I figured that you have a spiritual relationship. How does using someone (even your mother) play into your spiritual relationship and doing the right thing? Would that behavior be just as bad as what she has done to you?
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
I'm spiritual but at this point No1Curr. Im using her but she gets to see her grandson so win/win. This woman talks to me sideways, my life is mundane, and I need a break. My happiness includes being able to
travel and forget about my problems for a few days without being criticized. School/workright now is the only place where I am respected consistently. I deserve this trip, this award, and some alone time. If I have to use her to get there *shrugs*
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
He's a baby. This isn't a toddler that actually knows what is going on. Plus her routines and methods work. I can't knock her from that. She told me I don't talk to him enough and talk to him constantly. In two weeks time he went from being really quiet to baby talking to me all day and mo king sounds. She read to all of us each day and does the same to him. I like her routines. She takes him everywhere and explain everything she is doing (plant flowers, eating, driving) to build vocabulary.
She made me a hard worker that was drilled to crave success but I HATE how she talks to me. She doesn't talk to anyone like this so harshly except me. Which annoys me. I don't know if it's because I look just like her, She's a teacher, her own childhood problems.
She is Mrs Huxtable to everyone but ME. I teach some of her old kids now. They love my mother. She lifts them up. But I feel like I'm not enough.
She brags to others about me but talks to me personally like I didn't do anything with my life. She comes down hard on me but is captain save ah for my brother and husband. Her passion worked out well in terms of having two successful kids but I just hate how she talks to me and expects me not to clap back.
I had a similar relationship with my mother when I was growing up. When I was 21 years old I was a struggling college student and I was broke (financially). I decided that I didn't need to add a toxic, sometimes verbally abusive relationship to that, so I set some boundaries. I didn't tell my mother I was setting boundaries, I showed her. I stopped arguing with her because I knew she wasn't listening. I tuned her out when she called me names or said things about my character that wasn't true. A turning point for me was when I told her, in a very respectful way, that she wasn't helping me she was hurting me. Her response to that was, "You're probably right." So, she knew all along that her words were harsh and damaging my spirit, but for whatever reason she wouldn't change her approach. Again, I had to show her that there are boundaries with me. I decided that as long as I was in God's will then I couldn't worry about her approval. I had to stop listening to what she was saying about me and listen to what God was saying about me. I'm 41 now. My mother wouldn't dream of talking to me the way she use to. I don't give her the space to do that. There is a lot more respect between us now and we have a good relationship.
You mention all the things your mother does with your son. You can do those things yourself. Your husband too. Like another poster said, expand your network. Your mother isn't the only person who can help you.
You mention all the things your mother does with your son. You can do those things yourself. Your husband too. Like another poster said, expand your network. Your mother isn't the only person who can help you.
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HairBarbie
Well-Known Member
I think OP just enjoys drama and chaos and the attention it brings. Because nothing else makes sense.
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
I think you should write down how you would like your own relationship with your child to develop.
Something that is important to know when you become a mother, is that your relationship with your child will most likely not be all it can be unless you fix your relationship with your own mother. In other words, your relationship with your child will mirror that of you and your mother's. It will also mirror your grandmother's parenting and so on. It's possible to break the chain, but you have to do it consciously and actively. You don't even have to interact with your mother in order to change your relationship with her. It's all about you and what goes on inside of you.
Leaving your infant son with a woman who treats you badly is not a good start of his life. You are responsible for your child and need to protect him against negativity at all costs. I may be wrong, but it's almost as if you're talking about a puppy or a pet bird. He is your own flesh and blood, your first born. You sound detached. I apologize if I interpret your words the wrong way, but that's how it sounds.
Start building a strong attachment to him now and allow him to do the same with you. That's when you will begin to heal. Don't think that he doesn't notice if you're gone. There is plenty of evidence that even day old babies know who their mother is. He's used to your smell, your touch, your voice and that's what he needs on a daily basis for a long time. It takes time and energy to raise a child, it won't be easy. You don't have to do it all on your own, but you have to be there and be involved, especially at the infant stage.
And you know what? It's not a big deal to bring a stroller and a car seat...parents do that all the time.
Something that is important to know when you become a mother, is that your relationship with your child will most likely not be all it can be unless you fix your relationship with your own mother. In other words, your relationship with your child will mirror that of you and your mother's. It will also mirror your grandmother's parenting and so on. It's possible to break the chain, but you have to do it consciously and actively. You don't even have to interact with your mother in order to change your relationship with her. It's all about you and what goes on inside of you.
Leaving your infant son with a woman who treats you badly is not a good start of his life. You are responsible for your child and need to protect him against negativity at all costs. I may be wrong, but it's almost as if you're talking about a puppy or a pet bird. He is your own flesh and blood, your first born. You sound detached. I apologize if I interpret your words the wrong way, but that's how it sounds.
Start building a strong attachment to him now and allow him to do the same with you. That's when you will begin to heal. Don't think that he doesn't notice if you're gone. There is plenty of evidence that even day old babies know who their mother is. He's used to your smell, your touch, your voice and that's what he needs on a daily basis for a long time. It takes time and energy to raise a child, it won't be easy. You don't have to do it all on your own, but you have to be there and be involved, especially at the infant stage.
And you know what? It's not a big deal to bring a stroller and a car seat...parents do that all the time.
Being a new mom is hard. Very hard. I remember days of just helplessly crying and not knowing who, what, when or how I got there in those first few weeks. 
And it sounds like the added stress in your marriage and family relationships aren't helping. On top of that, you have a stressful job and a disability.
You need a healthy support system. Do you have people you can trust and depend on (not strictly for babysitting, but for you) Have you talked to your doctor about how you're adjusting to motherhood psychologically?
Sounds like you're trying to escape to LA. It's temporary. You need to address the underlying issues that are putting your life out of balance. Best of luck!
And it sounds like the added stress in your marriage and family relationships aren't helping. On top of that, you have a stressful job and a disability. You need a healthy support system. Do you have people you can trust and depend on (not strictly for babysitting, but for you) Have you talked to your doctor about how you're adjusting to motherhood psychologically?
Sounds like you're trying to escape to LA. It's temporary. You need to address the underlying issues that are putting your life out of balance. Best of luck!
futurelonglocks
Well-Known Member
bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
My point is he should.
As long as you keep framing this as "you're using your mom to get what you want" you won't acknowledge what the rest of us see.
You are not winning.
In fact this yet another reason for her to throw your reliance on her in your face.
From the beginning this trip was a bad idea. You really need to get with a counselor to help you navigate the multiple stressors you are dealing with because like it or not your child didn't choose to be in this world. Your existing issues and lack of support system are your problem not his. You think your child can't sense what's going on but the rest of us are screaming "he can and he will". Because unless you see your situation for what it is, separate from your mother and start building the alternate support system you need you will keep relying on her and she will continue the cycle of dysfunction including indoctrinating your child against you.
You can't change your mother and make her behave the way you want her to. You can only control yourself. Once you accept that then you can start to deal with everything else. You lost the luxury of time when you had a child. There's no longer one day it's today.
prettyinpurple
Well-Known Member
Nope nope nope, leaving your baby with your mom is all wrong. There really is no good reason for him to stay with her, since both you and your husband are going. It's understandable that you want a break but it's not worth leaving your kid with her.
Your husband can carry that car seat and stroller for you. You could take a cab from the airport and anywhere else you need to go since you don't want to rent a car. You'll get reimbursed anyways right?
Is there something else going on? Do you not trust your DH to watch him for several hours at once? I'd think he's a better option than your mother at this point.
Frankly seeing your baby should be a privilege and it's past time to revoke her privilege IMO. She is not entitled to an automatic relationship with your child when she treats you that way. A perfect mother daughter relationship probably won't happen but she should treat you with respect, at a minimum.
However both of ya'll need to apologize after that last blow up. Then see if it's possible to have a better relationship.
Your husband can carry that car seat and stroller for you. You could take a cab from the airport and anywhere else you need to go since you don't want to rent a car. You'll get reimbursed anyways right?
Is there something else going on? Do you not trust your DH to watch him for several hours at once? I'd think he's a better option than your mother at this point.
Frankly seeing your baby should be a privilege and it's past time to revoke her privilege IMO. She is not entitled to an automatic relationship with your child when she treats you that way. A perfect mother daughter relationship probably won't happen but she should treat you with respect, at a minimum.
However both of ya'll need to apologize after that last blow up. Then see if it's possible to have a better relationship.
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