Mother Daughter Relationship W/ Grandchild. What To Do?

PrissiSippi said:
Because that's too stressful. He's only had one set of shots. I don't like him around so many people. I don't even want him in daycare. His first day was yesterday so I already paid for a week of daycare that I would be forfeiting. I would have to take a stroller and car seat. I didn't plan on renting a car now I would need to.

This is too much just to prove a point to me.

I'm going to a conference so I'll be popping in and out and honestly I've never been a day/moment without him...I need a break for my balance. I could do it but if I don't have to I would rather not.
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He would be fine. You wouldn't have needed to rent a car just put his carseat in the cab. But you seem to have made your decision. Good luck with everything
 
Psychologicsl and emotional abuse. No one's said it. So I am. This behavior and type of decision making is typical of someone still in the thralls of it. Ask me how I know.

Also, mistreatment of the mother is mistreatment of the child. Eventually as the child grows older it can be considered emotional abuse on that child. It's abusive just watching your mother be abused especially in a situation where she can protect herself and the child by easily avoiding it.

In the long term, a mother can expect to have respect issues with the child towards her.

All we can really do is strongly suggest therapy.
 
OP, you are still learning how to deal. People are going to be hard on you because they all think they know how you feel and what you should do. Life isn't easy. Still, try to learn from what everyone is saying. It may not be easy now but it will get better.

Enjoy your trip and take care of yourself.
 
OP and her mom ate trying to make power plays and OP is somewhat seeking validation from her mother. I do not believe she'll be abusive to her grandson. In fact, given her training, the time spent with him may be in fact beneficial to him. Secondly she said if op leaves her husband it will be because she's a gutbucket. Mom sounds desperately afraid that op will leave her husband and mom doesn't want that but doesn't know how to properly articulate that or is just accustom using scare tactics.

I don't believe in cutting off your nose to spoil your face. OP isn't leaving her child with a stranger. Also both OP and her mother has learning and healing to do. Who knows, maybe that's her mother's relationship with her own mother and she's mimicking that, among other things I can see going on here.
 
Wow Priss...

Well, I can tell that you're not at a place where you're ready to take a firm stand with your mother, so I won't harp on that. You'll do it when you've had enough.

But I am wondering what is it that you're not telling us?

You're getting an award (CONGRATULATIONS GIRL!) and I think you definitely should go...but whats up with DH? Why isn't he the obvious answer?
I don't know your reasons for contemplating divorce but it just seems like if you guys are on decent enough terms that he's accompanying you...then why the hesitation to bring DS? Is this supposed to be a second honeymoon or something?
 
LiftedUp said:
OP and her mom ate trying to make power plays and OP is somewhat seeking validation from her mother. I do not believe she'll be abusive to her grandson. In fact, given her training, the time spent with him may be in fact beneficial to him. Secondly she said if op leaves her husband it will be because she's a gutbucket. Mom sounds desperately afraid that op will leave her husband and mom doesn't want that but doesn't know how to properly articulate that or is just accustom using scare tactics.

I don't believe in cutting off your nose to spoil your face. OP isn't leaving her child with a stranger. Also both OP and her mother has learning and healing to do. Who knows, maybe that's her mother's relationship with her own mother and she's mimicking that, among other things I can see going on here.
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I agree.
 
FlowerHair said:
I think you should write down how you would like your own relationship with your child to develop.

Something that is important to know when you become a mother, is that your relationship with your child will most likely not be all it can be unless you fix your relationship with your own mother. In other words, your relationship with your child will mirror that of you and your mother's. It will also mirror your grandmother's parenting and so on. It's possible to break the chain, but you have to do it consciously and actively. You don't even have to interact with your mother in order to change your relationship with her. It's all about you and what goes on inside of you.

Leaving your infant son with a woman who treats you badly is not a good start of his life. You are responsible for your child and need to protect him against negativity at all costs. I may be wrong, but it's almost as if you're talking about a puppy or a pet bird. He is your own flesh and blood, your first born. You sound detached. I apologize if I interpret your words the wrong way, but that's how it sounds.

Start building a strong attachment to him now and allow him to do the same with you. That's when you will begin to heal. Don't think that he doesn't notice if you're gone. There is plenty of evidence that even day old babies know who their mother is. He's used to your smell, your touch, your voice and that's what he needs on a daily basis for a long time. It takes time and energy to raise a child, it won't be easy. You don't have to do it all on your own, but you have to be there and be involved, especially at the infant stage.

And you know what? It's not a big deal to bring a stroller and a car seat...parents do that all the time.
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Priss, life is hard. Acknowledging that you are/may be wrong is where change has the opportunity to occur. There is amazing advice in here, such as the response by FlowerHair that I quoted. Advice that you won't get from your mom. Which means that you won't have the tools necessary to change the mother-child dynamics that you grew up with.
People with messed up moms always revert back to that behaviour, because that is truly all that they know. It is subconscious behaviour. It takes constant effort and constant hard work to deviate from that learned behaviour.
Life is hard, and I know that it may seem like everyone in here is coming down hard on you. Please try to put any defensive reaction on hold, and consider the common responses. These women are amazing, and this advice can change your life, if you allow it to. Sounds so cliche, but I think its so important to say rt now.
I truly do wish you the best. I mean that. I don't think that anyone here wants to see you fail.
I also agree that wanting to take a vacation away from a 3 month old may be a sign of PPD. For you and your baby's sake, maybe consider that?

Edit: life CAN be hard, at times. I don't believe that life is meant to be difficult a lot. We can live a life that we enjoy.
 
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CoilyFields said:
Wow Priss...

Well, I can tell that you're not at a place where you're ready to take a firm stand with your mother, so I won't harp on that. You'll do it when you've had enough.

But I am wondering what is it that you're not telling us?

You're getting an award (CONGRATULATIONS GIRL!) and I think you definitely should go...but whats up with DH? Why isn't he the obvious answer?
I don't know your reasons for contemplating divorce but it just seems like if you guys are on decent enough terms that he's accompanying you...then why the hesitation to bring DS? Is this supposed to be a second honeymoon or something?
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Yup. Anniversary trip. I'm unhappy with our relationship and he knows how I feel by I'm at least TRYING to make it work. I am using this work trip to try to reconnect and just kinda relax. It's not I just can't stand him. We're cordial but his personality traits I don't like. I'm almost 30. My thinking has changed. I feel like now I deserve to be happy not just okay.

Somebody said it further up thread about PPD. I was diagnosed about two weeks ago too because of anxiety and panic attacks. I have become deathly afraid of DS having my disorder. I have started having horrible nightmares and paranoia about things unrelated to that. I have had him everyday on my own too. No big deal because he's mine but man some of y'all must have forgotten the newborn stage is exhausting even with a hands on husband. I'm tired. But missing him at the same durn time. :cry3:
 
PeaceLover said:
I agree.
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I keep playing this over in my head in my sleep. The argument the other day.

If you remember my letter/convo she started attacking me when I started asking what were the good attributes of my dad with my dad in the room. When I said we don't talk relationships and what separates men I do like from my dad that's when I became crazy, a slot, mentally unstable, grateful and etc.

My marriage is way different from my parents relationship. It's somewhat normal no drama and DH even though passive aggressive he worships the ground I walk on and you know this first hand.

I think she's deathly afraid I will leave and get a dude like my dad. And he was present but a Kang. And I like men like my dad. Then I think she doesn't know how to talk to me because her mom didn't talk to her. She was raised by her gma so maybe gma and mom relationships are different. But I'm so tired of her being so harsh with me and I'm not envious but I SEE HER BEING SO UNDERSTANDING WITH MY BROTHER.

As a child she 'fixed' her mom not being present from her life by spending time with me immensely...to much time which led to no boundaries. She has read my diary, raided my room, tried to take me to the dr to ask if I was still a virgin and etc. she expects nothing but the best for me but she attacks me to try to get it that way.

@LiftedUp
 
PrissiSippi said:
I keep playing this over in my head in my sleep. The argument the other day.

If you remember my letter/convo she started attacking me when I started asking what were the good attributes of my dad with my dad in the room. When I said we don't talk relationships and what separates men I do like from my dad that's when I became crazy, a slot, mentally unstable, grateful and etc.

My marriage is way different from my parents relationship. It's somewhat normal no drama and DH even though passive aggressive he worships the ground I walk on and you know this first hand.

I think she's deathly afraid I will leave and get a dude like my dad. And he was present but a Kang. And I like men like my dad. Then I think she doesn't know how to talk to me because her mom didn't talk to her. She was raised by her gma so maybe gma and mom relationships are different. But I'm so tired of her being so harsh with me and I'm not envious but I SEE HER BEING SO UNDERSTANDING WITH MY BROTHER.

As a child she 'fixed' her mom not being present from her life by spending time with me immensely...to much time which led to no boundaries. She has read my diary, raided my room, tried to take me to the dr to ask if I was still a virgin and etc. she expects nothing but the best for me but she attacks me to try to get it that way.

@LiftedUp
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Your husband sounds like my boyfriend. Sigh. That why your threads gets me all in my feelings.
 
LiftedUp said:
OP and her mom ate trying to make power plays and OP is somewhat seeking validation from her mother. I do not believe she'll be abusive to her grandson. In fact, given her training, the time spent with him may be in fact beneficial to him. Secondly she said if op leaves her husband it will be because she's a gutbucket. Mom sounds desperately afraid that op will leave her husband and mom doesn't want that but doesn't know how to properly articulate that or is just accustom using scare tactics.

I don't believe in cutting off your nose to spoil your face. OP isn't leaving her child with a stranger. Also both OP and her mother has learning and healing to do. Who knows, maybe that's her mother's relationship with her own mother and she's mimicking that, among other things I can see going on here.
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That's the wording I was seeking. She won't be abusive to him. Just yesterday night I called. She dropped him off and picked him up from daycare at a different time from me to make sure she could see what they were doing with him and he was changed/fed. And stayed for an hour talking to the teachers networking and seeing where their head was and so they will remember her. I think she worked with someone so they said they would look out for DS now.

Reminded me exactly of how she was with my brother and I. Lol makes me giggle when I remember her always asking centers for their curricula and giving them curricula when they didn't have one.

That to say someone asked why do I even post here. I need help with the boundaries. I posted in another thread that I don't have any and don't have the want for them until stuff like this happens. I don't have any boundaries with her. I don't have to completely cut her off but my actions need to show her certain stuff not okay.

Like I learned here when someone wants to help you...let them. When my brother told my mom that he didn't like it how she was criticizing me about the baby that wasn't my place to act goofy and started saying it's okay because of 'Still I Rise'. I should have accepted his help and let him fight for me since I don't know yet how to fight for myself.

I need to be able to think quickly too. When she started attacking me I stayed calm at first. But when she started jabbing and calling me names. Then I called her so many B's that it's not even funny and I know that makes her see me as a child.

Plus I wish I didn't have to completely break down my dad to get my point across. I listed million of reasons why he isn't a good dad and she isn't perfect because she actively CHOSE HIM. I know what kind of dad he was. I love him in spite of and realize he loves me to the best of his ability. But I don't think there was anyway around it.
 
I get it. I don't think it's a big deal to be away from baby for a few days esp if there's some ppd going on.

I hope you and dh enjoy the time together. I don't remember if your guys wereally going to counselling together...but would be a good idea
 
PrissiSippi said:
I keep playing this over in my head in my sleep. The argument the other day.

If you remember my letter/convo she started attacking me when I started asking what were the good attributes of my dad with my dad in the room. When I said we don't talk relationships and what separates men I do like from my dad that's when I became crazy, a slot, mentally unstable, grateful and etc.

My marriage is way different from my parents relationship. It's somewhat normal no drama and DH even though passive aggressive he worships the ground I walk on and you know this first hand.

I think she's deathly afraid I will leave and get a dude like my dad. And he was present but a Kang. And I like men like my dad. Then I think she doesn't know how to talk to me because her mom didn't talk to her. She was raised by her gma so maybe gma and mom relationships are different. But I'm so tired of her being so harsh with me and I'm not envious but I SEE HER BEING SO UNDERSTANDING WITH MY BROTHER.

As a child she 'fixed' her mom not being present from her life by spending time with me immensely...to much time which led to no boundaries. She has read my diary, raided my room, tried to take me to the dr to ask if I was still a virgin and etc. she expects nothing but the best for me but she attacks me to try to get it that way.

@LiftedUp
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I know, but at some point, you have to do what makes you happy...whatever that may be. Her harsh words are very passive aggressive even when you're doing what she wants you to do. You can't win. You have to stop trying to prove yourself or stand-up to her. It's too much.
 
FoxxyLocs said:
I have no problem with it at a certain age. Not at 3 months though. It would take some kind of dire, unavoidable circumstance for me to be away from my baby at that age.
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My kids are little, under 4, so I don't know if I'll change my mind once they are older. But I travelled with my kids once they hit 3 months and I have the best memories about those times. There is no circumstance I can think of that would make me leave them behind.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
My kids are little, under 4, so I don't know if I'll change my mind once they are older. But I travelled with my kids once they hit 3 months and I have the best memories about those times. There is no circumstance I can think of that would make me leave them behind.
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*I have no kids disclaimer*
My DH and I plan to take trips with our child, but also leave the child with my parents when the child is older while we take a trip just us especially since we don't have family near to have weekends away to connect just the two of us. I want us to still enjoy spending time just the two of us for when we have our babies grown and gone we're still used to each other :lol:
 
Dee-Licious said:
*I have no kids disclaimer*
My DH and I plan to take trips with our child, but also leave the child with my parents when the child is older while we take a trip just us especially since we don't have family near to have weekends away to connect just the two of us. I want us to still enjoy spending time just the two of us for when we have our babies grown and gone we're still used to each other :lol:
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We do 1-2 date nights a month to keep connected. However, once they are older, like maybe 10+, we may try an overnight kids free vacation.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
We do 1-2 date nights a month to keep connected. However, once they are older, like maybe 10+, we may try an overnight kids free vacation.
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That's the other extreme. I guess it depends on whether you have someone you trust to care for them. My mom is great, so I have no problem letting her babysit overnight or for a weekend. For long trips we would bring the kids with us (and probably my mom too).
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
I get it. I don't think it's a big deal to be away from baby for a few days esp if there's some ppd going on.

I hope you and dh enjoy the time together. I don't remember if your guys wereally going to counselling together...but would be a good idea
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Being away from baby could exacerbate the condition.

OP All those good things that your mother does with her grandson (reading, engaging in play, being on top of childcare providers), you can do all of it. She isn't better at mothering than you, no-one is, especially in your son's eyes. You have to just find your confidence as a mother, and that can take a little while.

Soak up this magical (and exhausting) time, it will be gone so fast. I stayed with my mother for the first couple months after I had my son, and she was an amazing help, but it was only after I moved back into my house that I found my footing as a mother. I was forced to confront things and learnt a parenting style;- what I was comfortable with etc. My son literally just started sleeping through the night now at 24 months, so I understand the tiredness thing but at 3 months (still classified as newborn) he needs you mama.
 
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FoxxyLocs said:
That's the other extreme. I guess it depends on whether you have someone you trust to care for them. My mom is great, so I have no problem letting her babysit overnight or for a weekend. For long trips we would bring the kids with us (and probably my mom too).
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No, just depends on your parenting style. I prefer to be with my kids during my free time, esp during vacations, because we like to spend our time together as a family. They have time with extended family, but we chose to do all the child rearing ourselves.
 
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