Mother Daughter Relationship W/ Grandchild. What To Do?

jerseyhaircare said:
No, just depends on your parenting style. I prefer to be with my kids during my free time, esp during vacations, because we like to spend our time together as a family. They have time with extended family, but we chose to do all the child rearing ourselves.
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How long were y'all married before the first child?
 
Dee-Licious said:
How long were y'all married before the first child?
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Found out I was pregnant month after the wedding. But we dated for about 3 years total prior to marriage.

But that's not the reason why. I'm an introvert and he's shy; we are homebodies. We're both older-I'm 30+ and he's 50+, both in the field of psychiatry, and old school about raising children. There is a specific plan for both kids, so we limit outside influences.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
Found out I was pregnant month after the wedding. But we dated for about 3 years total prior to marriage.

But that's not the reason why. I'm an introvert and he's shy; we are homebodies. We're both older-I'm 30+ and he's 50+, both in the field of psychiatry, and old school about raising children. There is a specific plan for both kids, so we limit outside influences.
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Different parenting styles work for different families. I have noticed those who were pregnant soon after the wedding usually take more family trips instead of family and couple trips.
 
I'm sorry but if my mother and I had a toxic relationship like this I think I'd cut ties with her. She definitely wouldn't be keeping my child(ren). Who knows what kind of hateful stuff she'd be saying about me to them behind my back.
 
PrissiSippi said:
However I have a child now. I need her for things such as baby sitting occasionally. I have friends and students that will keep my child. But for long overnight stuff of course I need her because DH parents live an hour out and are not retired.

What to do?
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Maybe it's just how you wrote this, but please don't leave your baby with a lot of different people. He's too young for that. When you have a baby, life changes. I wouldn't go to the conference until DH could come with and keep him while you're busy. I couldn't get past this sentence. I don't think you should leave your baby with students or more than a few trusted people, especially at 3 months. I hope things work out between you and your mom.
 
soulfusion said:
Maybe it's just how you wrote this, but please don't leave your baby with a lot of different people. He's too young for that. When you have a baby, life changes. I wouldn't go to the conference until DH could come with and keep him while you're busy. I couldn't get past this sentence. I don't think you should leave your baby with students or more than a few trusted people, especially at 3 months. I hope things work out between you and your mom.
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Oh heck naw. I don't believe in this. I have a group of about 3 people that I trust to keep LO is what I meant. Two friends and one student that is just like my child.
 
He might just be a baby right now, but it gets easy to become comfortable with the arrangement and then you hate to break it off when he's older and knows what's going on. Him starting to babbling could also just be due to his age, not anything your mama is doing.

Her influence on him WILL get worse. And, since you seem unlikely to cut ties with your mother, it WILL start to affect your relationship with him. She WILL start to nitpick everything you do with him and make you doubt yourself as a mother.

I would advise that you never plan to have her as a babysitter. We don't have any family nearby either, and we just deal with it. It sucks, but just the way it is.

And I guess I am just spiteful. If someone said the things to me that your mama said, I'd tuck that baby in my large purse at the awards ceremony rather than let her keep him :lol:

Someone said upthread that you are wanting the drama. I don't think that is true. I think you are probably just so used to growing up in a home full of drama and underhandedness that perhaps you are unconsciously drawn to it. I hope things get better for you in general.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
Found out I was pregnant month after the wedding. But we dated for about 3 years total prior to marriage.

But that's not the reason why. I'm an introvert and he's shy; we are homebodies. We're both older-I'm 30+ and he's 50+, both in the field of psychiatry, and old school about raising children. There is a specific plan for both kids, so we limit outside influences.
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This is how my boyfriend and his siblings were raised. His parents are homebodies too.
 
Off topic OP.... Your mother has done a number on you emotionally. Have you ever had counseling? I think you would really benefit if you haven't.

I think your hubby should speak with your in laws about caring for him when you are gone. It's not like he will be driving to drop him off and pick him up daily , so the hour drive is no biggie, if they can keep him.

You seemed to have a huge heart and giving spirit. Just a all around great person (here comes the but..), but really evaluate why so many of your relationships are toxic. Relationships shouldn't be this hard and difficult... if you are in many toxic relationships at some point you have to start looking within as well... You grew up in an abusive home, therefore you are bringing your hurts, insecurities, and fears into other relationships..

What's up with wanting to leave DH? And I need to look up gut bucket...

ETA: I just looked it up, your mom was disgusting for that, keep her out of your personal business. You have us to vent to.
 
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Sometimes we have to keep our parents at armslength to stop the cycle of dysfunction. I will put my business out there. I had moved my mom out of state to live with me and help with the baby. She stayed for two months, and saw two things 1. All the dysfunction she lives with and perpetuates, she will ALWAYS have that going on no matter what and I don't want that for my son, it was toxic enough for me to deal with as an adult 2. sometimes you have to know when to hold them, know when to fold them. It would have obviously have been much more financially advantageous for me to keep her here, but at the cost of my peace, I said heck no, packed her up and shipped her back home. I've never been so relieved. I didn't get to that point overnight though, I have been going to therapy consistently for about 2 years, and it's really helped me with boundaries and not giving people chance after chance to screw me over after they have shown me what's up from the beginning.
 
PrissiSippi said:
That's the wording I was seeking. She won't be abusive to him. Just yesterday night I called. She dropped him off and picked him up from daycare at a different time from me to make sure she could see what they were doing with him and he was changed/fed. And stayed for an hour talking to the teachers networking and seeing where their head was and so they will remember her. I think she worked with someone so they said they would look out for DS now.
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PrissiSippi said:
Reminded me exactly of how she was with my brother and I. Lol makes me giggle when I remember her always asking centers for their curricula and giving them curricula when they didn't have one.

That to say someone asked why do I even post here. I need help with the boundaries. I posted in another thread that I don't have any and don't have the want for them until stuff like this happens. I don't have any boundaries with her. I don't have to completely cut her off but my actions need to show her certain stuff not okay.

Like I learned here when someone wants to help you...let them. When my brother told my mom that he didn't like it how she was criticizing me about the baby that wasn't my place to act goofy and started saying it's okay because of 'Still I Rise'. I should have accepted his help and let him fight for me since I don't know yet how to fight for myself.

I need to be able to think quickly too. When she started attacking me I stayed calm at first. But when she started jabbing and calling me names. Then I called her so many B's that it's not even funny and I know that makes her see me as a child.

Plus I wish I didn't have to completely break down my dad to get my point across. I listed million of reasons why he isn't a good dad and she isn't perfect because she actively CHOSE HIM. I know what kind of dad he was. I love him in spite of and realize he loves me to the best of his ability. But I don't think there was anyway around it.
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There is no reason why you or DH couldn't have done this- you are his parents and you should be looking out for your son.
 
Ms. Tarabotti said:
There is no reason why you or DH couldn't have done this- you are his parents and you should be looking out for your son.
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I wasn't say I couldn't. I know I could. I'm saying I'm not finna stress myself out "tryna do it all" just for the sake of proving a point.

Trip went well. I made a mental note to pull back from my parents and Do my own thing for awhile. Trip went well; all is well. And going forward I'm going to slowly learn how to create some boundaries and keep them.
 
God_Favor said:
Off topic OP.... Your mother has done a number on you emotionally. Have you ever had counseling? I think you would really benefit if you haven't.

I think your hubby should speak with your in laws about caring for him when you are gone. It's not like he will be driving to drop him off and pick him up daily , so the hour drive is no biggie, if they can keep him.

You seemed to have a huge heart and giving spirit. Just a all around great person (here comes the but..), but really evaluate why so many of your relationships are toxic. Relationships shouldn't be this hard and difficult... if you are in many toxic relationships at some point you have to start looking within as well... You grew up in an abusive home, therefore you are bringing your hurts, insecurities, and fears into other relationships..

What's up with wanting to leave DH? And I need to look up gut bucket...

ETA: I just looked it up, your mom was disgusting for that, keep her out of your personal business. You have us to vent to.
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I've had counseling. I still try to go but it's hard with work. It really does benefit. Considering both of my parents were educated, spoiled us with whatever we wanted I never thought of my upbringing as dysfunctional. My counselor took the time to point out a few things that weren't right in these situations.

I want to leave DH because he just doesn't do it for me. He represents my upbringing. Looks perfect on the outside but empty on the inside. He's smart has a great career and very loving but I don't like his personality traits. My mother is from the old school. If he isn't beating you or abusing you...you stay. But I'm unhappy. He will forever be unable to stand up for himself, not be a pushover, or not be someone's punching bag. I lost respect for him a long time ago. I am discovering once you lose respect it's over. It's very hard to get it back. And it shuts down every aspect of the relationship. Spiritual, physical, and mental.

I do have a giving spirit. So much that this situation and a situation with a friend makes me truly realize you have to be very careful who you help. They are toxic because I allow hurt to continue on. I have been taught subconsciously even if someone mistreats you...you stay. I have never blocked someone long term in my life. Lol it was a thread on that here. I am friends with every single one of my exes. And didn't see anything wrong with it. I think In part because I've never dumped someone I've always beeen the dumped. So I have never "practiced" ending it with someone. Physically or mentally. 2017 is the year of major blocking.
 
How was the trip?

It seems as if you feel like you settled for your DH. Since there isn't any abuse in this situation ( physical, cheating, verbal, financial, emotional, sexual, etc.), you shouldn't be so hasty in your decision to leave strictly based on emotion. Emotions change and marriage is much deeper than the superficial. So what if it isn't the alpha man you always pictured in your "perfect story "? So what if i he has a hard time standing up for himself in certain situations? Does he cover and protect you? Does he take care of home , love and honor his family? Make your decision from a real place. Again, look within too. You have to take a real look at yourself. Evaluate your measurements of success.


Your DH may have social anxiety. He may have be socially awkward. If so, think about if it's fair to hold something against him that he can't help.


I know nothing about your DH or his personality, he could be a total mess too, lol. But just in case he is not , think about what I'm saying. I think I have about 10 years on you and I've been through some things...

ETA: giving can become toxic when you are giving with expectations. giving with exceptations of appreciation, credit, or love can lead to grudges and animosity.
 
OP would you please considerate couple therapy before leaving your dh. I swear to God that my husband and I had rough patches in our marriage but we are in a great place now and going on our 9th anniversary. I would hate for you to end things if you didn't try every solution first. And your baby is so young, that first year as new parents is exhausting, things will get better.

There is no rush to leave him now honey.
 
Ms. Tarabotti said:
There is no reason why you or DH couldn't have done this- you are his parents and you should be looking out for your son.
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PrissiSippi said:
I wasn't say I couldn't. I know I could. I'm saying I'm not finna stress myself out "tryna do it all" just for the sake of proving a point.

This thread has shed light on how much of a control freak I clearly am about my kids. I'm gonna "stress" myself about mine, especially being so young. DH and I are their ambassadors on everything. That's not a role I give to my mother or anyone else outside of DH.
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tilati said:
OP would you please considerate couple therapy before leaving your dh. I swear to God that my husband and I had rough patches in our marriage but we are in a great place now and going on our 9th anniversary. I would hate for you to end things if you didn't try every solution first. And your baby is so young, that first year as new parents is exhausting, things will get better.

There is no rush to leave him now honey.
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I'm bout over with counseling. We went to counseling before with two different people. Im in no rush. Just listening to myself more intently.
 
I don't think you should rush into divorce. Sometimes you have to try more than 1 or 2 counselors to make a difference. You must have liked something about his personality to marry him. But when things are bad, you only see the bad. Especially with you being depressed. You may feel differently when that cloud lifts.
 
DeepBluSea said:
I don't think you should rush into divorce. Sometimes you have to try more than 1 or 2 counselors to make a difference. You must have liked something about his personality to marry him. But when things are bad, you only see the bad. Especially with you being depressed. You may feel differently when that cloud lifts.
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I agree. Depression can truly make you really critical.
 
OP glad your trip worked out and is behind you and congrats on the award. I know it's easy to be an armchair psychiatrist but that's not my intent. This is what I've gleaned so far....

1. You have a dysfunctional relationship with your mom.
2. Your marriage is on the rocks.
3. You have a newborn baby

These are 3 very serious life altering issues.

I think your mom loves you and her grandson but because of her upbringing doesn't know how to express love in a healthy manner. All she knows are threats and manipulation. She wants to you the have a happy marriage she never had and doesn't want you to throw away a good marriage. She doesn't understand why you would walk out on a man that clearly loves you. But it came out all wrong with the gut bucket comment. What I don't understand is that knowing this why you keep go back for more like a glutton for punishment. I'm not asking you to cut your Mom off, just keep her at an arms length until you are in a position of strength.

From your post, your husband is a hard worker, is hands-on, loves you but isn't an alpha guy. Wasn't he this way when you were dating? All men can't be alpha males. Yeah alpha male can be sexy with their extra shot of testosterone but can you handle the downside of dealing with an alpha male? Alpha males dominate and always come first! I agree that it's hard to repair a marriage once respect for your parter is lost. However,the loss of respect is precipitated by the revelation of a major character flaw like dishonesty, extreme selfishness, etc. What is your husbands flaw that led to your loss respect? I personally don't see being a beta guy a flaw. However, I just going off the limited info you've provided.

Marriage isn't easy, especially when you throw in a newborn. One of the major keys to marriage longevity is a sense of commitment. The ability to see and take the long view. Please do not be rash and make a life altering decision hastily.

I think you may need to resume therapy to work on yourself because until you are truly right with yourself you won't be able have healthy meaningful relationships with anyone.

Best of luck.
 
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