Men May Love B*****es, but I am NO B****

[SimpleKomplexity]

I'm just saying. You can read a million books. Take advice. But if it's not within you it is not within you. I am very very passive when it comes to telling guys "where the heck they can go". I really don't understand how to be assertive with what I want, what I need, and what I do not appreciate.

For example:

I so feel like I make life too hard. Harder than it is supposed to be. I do not have to be in a relationship. I am NOT supposed to be some friend/jump off chick that you're stringing along. I choose to be, because I'm scared of hurting these negros feelings.

I do NOT want to be in a relationship. I am afraid to say this because I do not want to hurt his feelings. I don't want him to feel like....man I never get what I want. I can't even keep this girl happy. BUT, I DO NOT want to "WORK ON IT". I would rather....be friends. Then again....I have plenty friends...I don't NEED ANYMORE DANG FRIENDS (sorry gotta a lil rant within me). And things are going too fast for ME. I don't want my FAM calling this dude SON IN LAW when I'm trying to get rid of him. I'm just saying. This road does NOT look good. Seriously. Grow up. Get balls. (He's just as passive as me, I'll explain this in a blog soon)

Then situation #2

I DO NOT want to be your friend. I wanted to be your girlfriend. Like stated before. I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE FRIENDS. I have a million of them. You take up space. Uneeded space. We can be a friendly basis. I can talk to you every once in a while on the phone. If you need something minimal I will always help you, but

I do not respect myself. I respect other's feelings before mine, because I am afraid of their reactions. In the end it makes me look dumb, because in essence I am belittling myself my staying around. I look like some dumb teeny bopper chick running around in circles. And carrying too much baggage.

Still talk to cheating arse ex...cuz he's lonely...in Iraq....
Still talking to lousy arse dude Mr. ICC cuz he's....I dunno...cuz he needs me.
Still talking to Mr. Passive I mean Perfect because...he's too nice to let go off, to passive to piss off to make him dump me, and too soft so I don't want to hurt him.

Hm... Am I making excuses for not leaving? These things I just don't know. I just reaaaaallllly want 2010 to be different. In all areas of life...things are well....but relationships. I am like before in a total loss.

How in the HECK do you LEARN to stand your ground. Have principles, stick to them. And be a class "B****" meaning taking control of your life and respecting yourself

 

[Filmatic]

I am going to give it to you straight. The things you accept will be the things that you regret. This not only means what you accept from these men but what you are accepting from yourself.

It's not about being a B it's about having enough self worth to know what you will and will not accept and standing your ground. There is no need to wade in the puddle when you know you don't like it. Either you speak up or stay in the mud. This is your life only you have the chance to change it. You like feeling needed, wanted even, so you hold on to these dudes so that you can feel that satisfaction. You are better than that and deep down you can hear that voice but it's time for that voice to get louder.

The first time you though up the deuces it's hard but after that it's smooth sailing. Try it with the easiest one first. Tell him bye and mean it. From then on you can work on getting rid of the rest.

I'm just saying. You can read a million books. Take advice. But if it's not within you it is not within you. I am very very passive when it comes to telling guys "where the heck they can go". I really don't understand how to be assertive with what I want, what I need, and what I do not appreciate.


I do not respect myself. I respect other's feelings before mine, because I am afraid of their reactions.

Still talk to cheating arse ex...cuz he's lonely...in Iraq....
Still talking to lousy arse dude Mr. ICC cuz he's....I dunno...cuz he needs me.
Still talking to Mr. Passive I mean Perfect because...he's too nice to let go off, to passive to piss off to make him dump me, and too soft so I don't want to hurt him.


How in the HECK do you LEARN to stand your ground. Have principles, stick to them. And be a class "B****" meaning taking control of your life and respecting yourself

 

[Ganjababy]

Valuing yourself, putting yourself first and being assertive does not necessarily equals being a b.i.t.c.h. Are your truly putting these guys feelings above your own? Or do you like the feeling of being needed?

 

[BlairWaldorf]

honestly speaking from experience ,once you get comfortable in knowing what you will and won't put up with and what you refuse to accept ,you will cut people off that you feel are dragging you down and you will do it with no remorse .

 

[Crystal]

I also think with age and maturity comes wisdom. We all did dumb stuff when we were young but once you've been there done that, you learn. I'm in my 30's and it took me a long time before I got to the point where I really, truly put myself first and loved myself unconditionally. I was able to weed out a lot of bad apples, instead of trying to make it "work" when I knew I shouldn't have been... I stepped. But it's not that easy sometimes when you're young and your life experiences are limited.

Honestly while those books are great, Take the message for what it is and what it's trying to say. There are a lot of women who are strong and know how to be large and in charge but don't believe everything you read in those books or on these boards. Many women "go back" when they shouldn't, "stick around", "forgive", "give one more chance" ... To me that's just a part of life. You live and you learn. At least you're on a road to understanding. It may take you 5, 10 years before you get to a point where you will no longer fall for the okie-doke, or you may never.... it all depends on your tolerance level and what you're willing to take.

I personally had enough of these knuckle-heads and got really into me for a few years and came out on the other side as happy as can be. There were a few setbacks here and there but nothing to the magnitude when I was 19 or 20 and I thought my world was ending when something didn't go right with a dude...lol I look back on those time and laugh like WTF was I thinking??

So I think it's all in due time. When you want to empower yourself... you will and it's not an over night thing nor will it happen after reading a book. But it will happen if you allow it.

 

[Taleah2009]

OMG OP, get out of my head! I sooo needed this thread!

 

[BeautifulFlower]

OP, there's nothing you are doing that most have us havent been through before. You're at a place in your life where you are seriously questioning your reasons for doing something.

The fact of the matter is you want and need their attention just as much. Their needing and wanting to talk to you makes you feel a level of self-worth. You feel important. But the energy it takes from you isnt worth the temporary feeling you get of being needed by someone.

With time, you will come to realize that hurting peoples feelings isnt always a bad thing. Especially if not hurting someone means you have to be miserable.

When you get frustrated enough with meeting everyone else's needs and not meeting your own, you let them go for sure.

The older you get you desire to have only the people that serve a worthy purpose in your life to be the people you give your energy to and people will start dropping like flies because they no longer serve a worthy purpose for you.

Good Luck!

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Valuing yourself, putting yourself first and being assertive does not necessarily equals being a b.i.t.c.h. Are your truly putting these guys feelings above your own? Or do you like the feeling of being needed?

In my eyes being a b.i.t.c.h. means taking control of your own life and not every ones. It means having your own agenda, principles, and wants...and sticking for them and not sticking around for the results when you don't see those wants in others.

Do I like the feelings of being needed? That's a good question. I will honestly have to think about that. Seriously. Maybe I do. I am...Captain Save a ho. lol but .

Especially Mr. ICC. I was so darn happy when I stopped talking to him for that month. I mean soooo happy. Didn't miss him hardly at all. I thought of him..but other than that not really. AND I was idle because it was the break. I just....got tired with his foolishness. But then later gave in.

But I just see him fueling so much negative energy from him and myself that's really uneeded. For instance, I KNOW I'm jealous of this other girl. "I" can tell by my actions, so I know others prolly see it too. I run rings around her when she is in my presence to show her.....I am that b****. I am the sh**. Maybe not to him....but I am.

Then I sit back and wonder. WTF am I doing this ish for. Over a man that's really doesn't deserve all this attention he is given. A man completely out of his league if he talks to me. A man that is clueless on how to treat a woman.

Then this other guy. I walked away from too. But I eventually called him back. I dunno why. He didn't push the issue. He didn't "force: me to talk back to him. He didn't whine, just occasionally called, texted, or said hi through friends. Other than that *shrugs*. But in the end, I felt maybe I was missing something. Maybe I was skipping on somethin great. So I returned despite he doesn't make me happy...at all. He is a complete gentleman....but after dating him I have realized that is not enough for me. Being a gentleman is what men are SUPPOSED to do.

I dunno I'm going to make baby steps this week.
1. Telling Guy #1 that I don't see a future in our relationship. Telling him I want to be strictly friends with him.
2. Pulling back from Guy #2. No phone calls after 11. No phone calls more than ten minutes. No me calling him.
3. Being cognizant on how I present myself. This sounds dumb....but I really need to work on being quiet and more classy in public. I am "too" out there to divert attention towards myself. Not in a totally bad way. But it's a difference in being goofy and fun to be around and "needy of attention". I dunno. You would have to be there. It's not a bad thing or overly excessive, but "I" notice it and it bothers me.

 

[hopeful]

I know this has been suggested time and again, and I know every time you reject the recommendation, but here goes...completely stop dealing with negroes for a minute, say a year or at least six months, and focus on yourself and your goals. No 10 minute conversations, no texting here and there, nothing. Really deal with yourself and learn to enjoy your own good company. Yes that means cutting off all men, not even worrying too much about girlfriends too much.

Focus on yourself and what's going on with you and why you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Really get to the bottom of this idea of caring about other people's feeling more than your own. You seem to not be self-aware. Are you simply needy? Are you addicted to having any kind of attention from any kind of man? Do you really care about these men's feelings? Or do you deep down hate youself and your life? I just think you need to dig deep and find away to stop going in circles, stop the chaos and the drama.

Stop being so focussed on others. Seek counseling from a therapist if necessary. But, if you do nothing else, just take a break from men. No need for grand exits: none of these men are your bf, fh, so, or dh, so just quietly exit and get on with your life.

 

[Ganjababy]

I see your point. I guess being a b**** means different things to different people. You have amazing self insight. I also think that being so focused on so many different guys can get in the way of discovering the right one.

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Glib Gurl]

I love the title of your post and agree with that. I have never found the rush of being a "B" instead of a lady appealing but I digress.

Just want to say that ITA with what I quoted above. I don't have any advice for you, hon, but you know I'm here to support you as we are on this journey together . . . I'm so glad you're learning all this stuff now (instead of waiting until you're a grown arse woman like me )

 

[Mitre]

I know this is a corny comment, but it better to love and lost than to never have love at all. One of the benfits about growing older is that one also grow wiser. There will come a time in your life when you will no longer accept unacceptable things from other people. In the meantime enjoy life and live it to its fullest.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

I know this has been suggested time and again, and I know every time you reject the recommendation, but here goes...completely stop dealing with negroes for a minute, say a year or at least six months, and focus on yourself and your goals. No 10 minute conversations, no texting here and there, nothing. Really deal with yourself and learn to enjoy your own good company. Yes that means cutting off all men, not even worrying too much about girlfriends too much.

Focus on yourself and what's going on with you and why you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Really get to the bottom of this idea of caring about other people's feeling more than your own. You seem to not be self-aware. Are you simply needy? Are you addicted to having any kind of attention from any kind of man? Do you really care about these men's feelings? Or do you deep down hate youself and your life? I just think you need to dig deep and find away to stop going in circles, stop the chaos and the drama.

Stop being so focussed on others. Seek counseling from a therapist if necessary. But, if you do nothing else, just take a break from men. No need for grand exits: none of these men are your bf, fh, so, or dh, so just quietly exit and get on with your life.

In a perfect world this is great advice. I agree that many young women, myself including need to really sit down and learn more about themselves in the same way they learn about others. I prolly know a million different little facts about the significant ones in my life from birthdays to favorite candies, fears, and even favorite draws. With that being said, I am learning the small things about myself everyday.

But with that being said, it is not possible to cut all "negroes" out of your life if you ask me. It's a part of life. No matter what you do, you will always run into men. At the grocery store. At school. At church. And you will have to engage in conversation in maybe not "relationship relationship per se" but you will develop relationships even if just name basis with all of them. A person cannot just wake up one day and say HEY I'm not talking to males for a year to get to know myself unless you shut yourself in a hole and refuse to come outside into the world lol. It sounds good, but it's really just not that simple or easy.

Just my 0.08 cents lol. If you disagree please point that out.

 

[Taleah2009]

In a perfect world this is great advice. I agree that many young women, myself including need to really sit down and learn more about themselves in the same way they learn about others. I prolly know a million different little facts about the significant ones in my life from birthdays to favorite candies, fears, and even favorite draws. With that being said, I am learning the small things about myself everyday.

But with that being said, it is not possible to cut all "negroes" out of your life if you ask me. It's a part of life. No matter what you do, you will always run into men. At the grocery store. At school. At church. And you will have to engage in conversation in maybe not "relationship relationship per se" but you will develop relationships even if just name basis with all of them. A person cannot just wake up one day and say HEY I'm not talking to males for a year to get to know myself unless you shut yourself in a hole and refuse to come outside into the world lol. It sounds good, but it's really just not that simple or easy.

Just my 0.08 cents lol. If you disagree please point that out.

I kind of have to disagree with you on the bolded. Again I am still in the "learning about me phase" and I actually had to go through this last week. I had to cut someone off that has been in my life for 8 years. And I cut him off once, but I went through a bad break up and I allowed him to back in again. But I finally realized I will never get what I want from dealing with him. Its not that the situation was bringing me down, but he definitely was holding me back. Of course you cant cut all negros off your life. Thats inevitable. But you can definitely choose who to keep or who not to keep in your life. You do not HAVE to talk to anyone that you dont want to talk to or associate with. Its all about making the right choice that is best for you. And I believe as we get older, more mature, and have more life experiences, we will be better to decipher who actually deserves to have our friendship or be in our life. I think as long we keep the "wrong ones" in our life, that delays God from bringing in the "right one". You have to clear your runway for something good to land.

 

[hopeful]

Well, sure your professor may be a guy or the bagger at the grocery store may be a guy. You say hello, good morning, have a nice day, etc. I'm talking about not "engaging'" men: texts, late night phone calls, little flirtations. The people you know are causing you harm or confusing you or stressing you out? Yes, you can definitely not engage them at all. As you have found out: it is a slippery slope from a text to a call to a late night mistake that you will be kicking yourself over. But it's just a suggestion and I've tried to explain it before and you always disagree, so I just thought I'd make the suggestion again. Good luck with it all though, I'm sure all will work out in due time.

 

[aribell]

Maybe you're making things too complicated and difficult in trying to force yourself to be someone that you don't feel that you are. You don't need to be your frindsl Idea, some guy's idea, or a book's idea of what a self respecting woman should be. Self respect does not come from trying to attain to external standards, but rather from you acting in ways that, upon reflection, you can genuinely say, "I take pride in the person that I am and am confident in my decision-making ability and my ability to build a good life."

Also, I wouldn't focus on happiness so much as self-respect because happiness is closely related to feeling good, and there are a lot of actions and relationships that will make you feel good but be bad for you in the long run and cause you to lose respect for yourself. Having self-respect means that you're on going to do those things that will make you feel good about yourself at the end of the day.

And you don't need anyone's permission or validation to respect yourself. If you get feelings of not being worthy and what not, you don't even have to stop to analyze, just ignore them.

 

[Poohbear]

In a perfect world this is great advice. I agree that many young women, myself including need to really sit down and learn more about themselves in the same way they learn about others. I prolly know a million different little facts about the significant ones in my life from birthdays to favorite candies, fears, and even favorite draws. With that being said, I am learning the small things about myself everyday.

But with that being said, it is not possible to cut all "negroes" out of your life if you ask me. It's a part of life. No matter what you do, you will always run into men. At the grocery store. At school. At church. And you will have to engage in conversation in maybe not "relationship relationship per se" but you will develop relationships even if just name basis with all of them. A person cannot just wake up one day and say HEY I'm not talking to males for a year to get to know myself unless you shut yourself in a hole and refuse to come outside into the world lol. It sounds good, but it's really just not that simple or easy.

Just my 0.08 cents lol. If you disagree please point that out.

This is not true. This can be done in this world, not just a perfect world. Even though I've never had a bunch of men or guy friends in my life or been caught up into needing a man's attention, I've cut off all negroes before (which was only 2 or 3, lol). I was able to focus on myself and my wants and needs. She's not talking about running into men. She's talking about the men you already know, cut them off, as in, don't communicate with them or hang out with them. And any new man that comes your way or approaches you, brush them off or reject them. Focus on you.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

There's a wide lane between being a B*** and being a doormat. I think you need to find that middle ground where you're not overcompensating and trying to act B*** like and letting people walk all over you and disregarding your feelings. I think knowing your worth and developing your own scale of acceptable behavior from friends and lovers alike.

 

[TinyBlu]

Just curious... what is your age range? Ball park?

I was a lot like you when I was younger but got kicked around one time too many and realized I was going to have to step up.

When it comes to being a B****, I struggle with the whole "game" aspect that some of the books suggest. I take the advice at the beginning (not being too available, etc...), but I never know when the right time is to stop the games.

I take a more honest approach with men. I don't pick out monogrammed towels on the second date or anything, but I DO set boundaries early. I tend to ask within the first couple of dates what a man is looking for (FWB, Relationship....) then I watch actions to see if they line up. I am also very clear about what my expectaitons / boundaries are up front and tell a man to step if they aren't serious. I'm getting too old to play games.

However, I do get tired of the unavailability game after a few months. If you're feeling a guy, I don't see anything wrong with saying that, and at some point in a relationship you are going to have to talk about FEELINGS. The books that say that having that conversation will chase a guy away seem to be talking about immature men.

I live by the motto of "Take Your Time. Give Love and know that if the one you Give Love to doesn't return it, then they are just making room for the man who is ready and willing to accept it and give it back.

I will probably get tomatoes throuwn at me for my opinion, but it is what it is!