Men and "V-Club" membership...

[grow_N_Him09]

Am I being "played?" Is it true that men will wait "as long as necessary," to be woman's "first," and, consequently, have her V-Club membership, uh, permanently revoked?

I am starting to think I shouldn't have told SO about my "inexperience," so early in the relationship. It seems quite possible that he is "holding on," to me so he can..."have my innocence."

And it is true that my innocence somewhat puts me in a position where I could very well be played because of ignorance. So can you sisters please enlighten me on "the game"....Am I being played?

A lil' background first, tho...I met my SO online about four months ago. We actually went to the same middle school, high school but didn't know each other (he was/is 'Mr. Popular, everyone loved him and I was/am quiet-smart girl, socially awkward, etc...)
Anywho, turns out we live within 40 min of each other and I eventually went to go meet him IRL. And upon our first meeting, he asked me to be his gf. He had said in previous phone convos that he "had to have me." whatever that means...

So during the course of the last four months, I go to visit him on the weekends (he doesn't have a car and I have a 9 to 5), BUT...these visits are not regular. Just kind of when our schedules work. AND most of the visits are overnight stays because of my drive. BUT no actual "coloring" involved, ladies!

My concern is that during the week I hardly hear from him! erplexed In the beginning his contacts (usually via text) were more frequent, not it is virtually non-existent.

To his "defense," he is studying for a major exam that will launch his career, so regular, everyday convo may not necessarily be possible for us. But it seems he communicates with everyone else (yes, I admit, as of late, I have been a lil cyberstalker-ish...)

When we're together, he talks about a future with me, even marriage. But I am starting to think it may be a ploy to get me to "give up the goods," (having me think we're going to "get married anyways.") As I made it clear that I am not having it until marriage.

But many of you ladies stress how actions speak louder than words...and I wholeheartedly agree! I think I may have been duped (because he really is a great guy - a heartthrob, too ) to ignore the actions and allowed myself to be serenaded by his words.

And...last point, sorry!...I think he did not "really know me," when asked to be in relationship and he is finding we really do not have that many similiar interests. He has a passion for the arts and I def have appreciation and general interest for the arts, but have not made it a passion in my life (and not necessarily by choice, if that makes sense). So how important are similiar interests in relationships?

I'm also, if you can't already tell, kinda, well, "green," in a lot of things (pop culture, music genres, etc.) and I wonder how well we can really work around our differences...It seems he could get some other girl (and believe me he has options) who is passionate about everything he is passionate about, hip and knowledgeable about all his interests...could he honestly find me more interesting when we don't necessarily have the same active interests???

 

[DayStar]

You know the answer. All type of red flags in here. And no, if I were you I would be cautious, men are predators....he will try to see how far he can go with you. Are you waiting for marriage, or the right one? Make sure you are 100 % okay with this man, before you engage in anything with him. Don't use your inexperience as a excuse.

LISTEN TO HIM verbally/non verbally...men really do tell us who they are.

 

[donna894]

Wow... red flags all over the place.

If you have to ask, you know the answer. Your experience is not a factor here. You're a smart woman. You know what's up.

 

[grow_N_Him09]

Yes, I'm wating for marriage.
But all of his futuristic talk of marrying me...meeting his friends, family, asking me to "grow old," with him, "I think the world of you," "You have everything I want in a woman,"
What was I supposed to make of all that? besides believe it... It's like if I can't trust the words that are coming out your mouth, then what's left... what am I supposed to trust??? I mean, he hasn't given me reason not to trust him...then again, I guess he hasn't given me reason to trust him either erplexed

*sigh*

How could I be so dense, obtuse, uh...stupid...

You know the answer. All type of red flags in here. And no, if I were you I would be cautious, men are predators....he will try to see how far he can go with you. Are you waiting for marriage, or the right one? Make sure you are 100 % okay with this man, before you engage in anything with him. Don't use your inexperience as a excuse.

LISTEN TO HIM verbally/non verbally...men really do tell us who they are.

 

[grow_N_Him09]

Thanks, girl.
Suppose you're right...if nothing else, I really did learn a lot about music, philosophy, people, the list goes on, through this "relationship." Opened my eyes a bit...

And the funny thing is before him, I had the same sort of man in my life. But I easily recognized it and didn't let it get as far as this cat..

Wow... red flags all over the place.

If you have to ask, you know the answer. Your experience is not a factor here. You're a smart woman. You know what's up.

 

[donna894]

Yes, I'm wating for marriage.
But all of his futuristic talk of marrying me...meeting his friends, family, asking me to "grow old," with him, "I think the world of you," "You have everything I want in a woman,"
What was I supposed to make of all that? besides believe it... It's like if I can't trust the words that are coming out your mouth, then what's left... what am I supposed to trust??? I mean, he hasn't given me reason not to trust him...then again, I guess he hasn't given me reason to trust him either erplexed

*sigh*

How could I be so dense, obtuse, uh...stupid...

You're supposed to trust your common sense, your woman's intuition. Along with his words, what about his actions? Do they line up with what he says? And also look at your differences. Are they big enough to affect how much you and he have in common. Would you want to be with someone with more similar interests or do other parts of the relationship compensate?

Just observe and be patient. And don't compromise your values or who you are. The answers will be revealed soon enough.

 

[grow_N_Him09]

Very true.
I suppose I have some heavy thinking to do...I was actually thinking just now how I was going to end the relationship, what to say, etc.
But perhaps I will talk with him first...or maybe wait until the end of the month when he has taken his exam. I don't want to throw a boulder like a break up right before his big exam.
Then again, if he doesn't give a rat's butt about me then it really shouldn't matter...

You're supposed to trust your common sense, your woman's intuition. Along with his words, what about his actions? Do they line up with what he says? And also look at your differences. Are they big enough to affect how much you and he have in common. Would you want to be with someone with more similar interests or do other parts of the relationship compensate?

Just observe and be patient. And don't compromise your values or who you are. The answers will be revealed soon enough.

 

[phynestone]

Yeah, actions speak louder than words. He doesn't care about you and if you have your suspicions, they're probably dead on. I would cut him off. If he really cared about you, actions and words would line up. Don't make excuses for him.

 

[Spiffy]

I know how you feel dear. If you have that feeling, it usually is some hanger on trying to do the least amount of work to get the most precious thing from you. When I had that instinct, turns out I was right and time revealed that. So, thank goodness for intuition.

Also, I used to struggle with telling guys upfront or waiting to tell them I was saving it for marriage, but actions speak louder than words and most guys will usually figure it out after awhile. Besides, if you tell them too soon, the guys who loveeee something to conquer for the sake of conquering (the worst kind) will turn it up as I find mentioning v-club membership attracts them even more! I am sure some people would see this as leading guys on, and it could be in a sense, but it works for me.

 

[mw138]

One word: run.

 

[TokyoReina]

I'm in a similar situation, and it's pretty rough. Difference is, the guy I'm talking to seems to have very little interest in a real relationship with me. He's told me the "You're too good" and "I can't give you all you want and need." But apparently he's just good enough to be my first and he constantly tells me how much he would like to be.erplexed I think he's just waiting around to see if it can happen.

I'm not waiting for marriage, I just want "someone special" and sadly enough I want this guy. Still. I often wish I weren't new, that way truly uninterested people would leave me alone a lot faster. This guy just confuses me.

Looking at your situation, I would say he might be trying to stay around just to see if he can be your first. I've been told guys absolutely want to be the first. The guy I'm talking to now has said it's because no matter what happens after, you won't be able to forget your first and it gives them a permanent place in your life. Kind of like a husband or something. Ugh.

 

[Skyfall]

yea he don't like you girl he just wanna take ur virginity

 

[soft&thin]

OMG yes same thing with my ex he was my first his exact words since he was my first. He thought I would never forget about him ugh disgusting. I was really naive the red flags were hitting me in the face but I didn't pay attention. I wanted to believe he really was interested in me

Looking at your situation, I would say he might be trying to stay around just to see if he can be your first. I've been told guys absolutely want to be the first. "The guy I'm talking to now has said it's because no matter what happens after, "you won't be able to forget your first and it gives them a permanent place in your life". Kind of like a husband or something. Ugh.[/QUOTE]

 

[grow_N_Him09]

One word: run.

LOL.

Thanks for all the input, ladies!

I've concluded his intention was for me to be his little prize to put on his mantle...No major attachments have developed so it doesn't hurt me that much to dissolve the relationship, just gotta figure out how to do it :scratchch
I really think we have the potential to still be friends (seems like that's all we have been) and he was my first kiss :blush3: so I don't foresee completely cutting him off...and I think timing is important. I'll wait until after his exam. In the meantime, I'll keep my distance...

 

[Optimus_Prime]

I'm in a similar situation, and it's pretty rough. Difference is, the guy I'm talking to seems to have very little interest in a real relationship with me. He's told me the "You're too good" and "I can't give you all you want and need." But apparently he's just good enough to be my first and he constantly tells me how much he would like to be.erplexed I think he's just waiting around to see if it can happen.

I'm not waiting for marriage, I just want "someone special" and sadly enough I want this guy. Still. I often wish I weren't new, that way truly uninterested people would leave me alone a lot faster. This guy just confuses me.

Looking at your situation, I would say he might be trying to stay around just to see if he can be your first. I've been told guys absolutely want to be the first. The guy I'm talking to now has said it's because no matter what happens after, you won't be able to forget your first and it gives them a permanent place in your life. Kind of like a husband or something. Ugh.

Pardon me, but wtf is wrong witchu? What did you miss? what do you need to know?
Same to you, op?

I say this with love.

 

[TokyoReina]

Pardon me, but wtf is wrong witchu? What did you miss? what do you need to know?
Same to you, op?

I say this with love.

I know it's not going to work out in the long run, and I think he's pretty much told me how it is. Just sucks. I think just want the dude. I don't want it to work out so we can live happily ever after with a picket fence, I just want it to work out well enough so I can have things the way I want them to be.

 

[anon123]

For those of us who are a little slow on the pick-up, what are the red flags? Is it just the insufficient communication throughout the week?

 

[SND411]

You are not some "prized object." You are a human being with convictions and you should stick to them period. Never let someone like that take advantage of you and what you stand for. Trust, you will regret it.

 

[grow_N_Him09]

Uh, can I plea temporary insanity...
Really, though. I think it was the perfect blend of the classic "mixed signals." There were times we did go out (I can count on one hand...) and he was very gentlemanly. And factor in all the "smooth talk," nothing "pimp-like," but this man is just very articulate and...seemingly...open and honest...

But it's cool. No harm, no foul. I'll count my losses, or excuse me, HIS losses , and KIM. If nothing else, I've learned that actions can not be undermined and I should adopt the "whole picture," outlook.

Pardon me, but wtf is wrong witchu? What did you miss? what do you need to know?
Same to you, op?

I say this with love.

 

[grow_N_Him09]

Exactly!
And I even venture to say that I not only have convictions, but my convictions have me and are holding me (My prof broke this down last week...good class)
So you're right on

You are not some "prized object." You are a human being with convictions and you should stick to them period. Never let someone like that take advantage of you and what you stand for. Trust, you will regret it.

 

[grow_N_Him09]

Well, uh, I know I should probably know by now, but I'd actually still like to know what red flags there were too.

I'm pretty sure it was the lack of regular communication, which was my original concern. But I factored in his studying.

Then I think one other was my driving to go see him...

IDK...Like someone else said, and one of my gfs, if I have suspicions then that's not good. I shouldn't ever have to wonder about my man's intentions and/or interest in me not in a REAL relationship anyways...

*clears away the proverbial "drawing board"*

For those of us who are a little slow on the pick-up, what are the red flags? Is it just the insufficient communication throughout the week?

 

[phynestone]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^You are correct with the red flags and the fact that he makes an effot to get in touch with family and friends, but not you. I wonder if he also has another girlfriend that's there during the week. You are also making all of the effort, which is another flag.

He just wants those goodies, that's all.

 

[Spiffy]

Am I being "played?" [If you have to ask, then...] Is it true that men will wait "as long as necessary," to be woman's "first," and, consequently, have her V-Club membership, uh, permanently revoked?

I am starting to think I shouldn't have told SO about my "inexperience," so early in the relationship. It seems quite possible that he is "holding on," to me so he can..."have my innocence."

And it is true that my innocence somewhat puts me in a position where I could very well be played because of ignorance. So can you sisters please enlighten me on "the game"....Am I being played?

A lil' background first, tho...I met my SO online about four months ago. We actually went to the same middle school, high school but didn't know each other (he was/is 'Mr. Popular, everyone loved him and I was/am quiet-smart girl, socially awkward, etc...)
Anywho, turns out we live within 40 min of each other and I eventually went to go meet him IRL. And upon our first meeting, he asked me to be his gf. He had said in previous phone convos that he "had to have me." whatever that means...

So during the course of the last four months, I go to visit him on the weekends (he doesn't have a car and I have a 9 to 5), BUT...these visits are not regular. Just kind of when our schedules work. AND most of the visits are overnight stays because of my drive. BUT no actual "coloring" involved, ladies!

My concern is that during the week I hardly hear from him! erplexed In the beginning his contacts (usually via text) were more frequent, not it is virtually non-existent.

To his "defense," he is studying for a major exam that will launch his career, so regular, everyday convo may not necessarily be possible for us. But it seems he communicates with everyone else (yes, I admit, as of late, I have been a lil cyberstalker-ish...) [If you feel compelled to do that, then...]

When we're together, he talks about a future with me, even marriage. But I am starting to think it may be a ploy to get me to "give up the goods," (having me think we're going to "get married anyways.") As I made it clear that I am not having it until marriage.

But many of you ladies stress how actions speak louder than words...and I wholeheartedly agree! I think I may have been duped (because he really is a great guy - a heartthrob, too ) to ignore the actions and allowed myself to be serenaded by his words.

And...last point, sorry!...I think he did not "really know me," when asked to be in relationship and he is finding we really do not have that many similiar interests. He has a passion for the arts and I def have appreciation and general interest for the arts, but have not made it a passion in my life (and not necessarily by choice, if that makes sense). So how important are similiar interests in relationships?

I'm also, if you can't already tell, kinda, well, "green," in a lot of things (pop culture, music genres, etc.) and I wonder how well we can really work around our differences...It seems he could get some other girl (and believe me he has options) who is passionate about everything he is passionate about, hip and knowledgeable about all his interests...could he honestly find me more interesting when we don't necessarily have the same active interests???

For those of us who are a little slow on the pick-up, what are the red flags? Is it just the insufficient communication throughout the week?

Those stuck out to me. Anyone else?

 

[Dellas]

Never tell a man you are a "V". Only say your celibate for religious reasons.

 

[donna894]

Another red flag - making excuses or assumptions for things that don't seem right. Remember: when you ASSUME, you make an *** of U and ME (mostly you make an *** of yourself). You should not have to make up excuses for him. When you do that, you're playing yourself. If he is really into you and values the relationship, then he will make every effort to keep in touch. He will handle his business in a way that won't leave you wondering.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Yep, I'm still a virgin and I've had a situation like this. I'm waiting for marriage as well. And yes, some guys WILL see it as a notch on their belt to go into "uncharted territory"

The guy I'm seeing now is Christian as well, and he's not the type of person to go pushing for anything...nor would he even allow it if I asked!

 

[grow_N_Him09]

Yep. I really, truly think that was the root of the whole problem.
Next time, I'll keep it "my dirty, little secret," though I can't help but think men are able to tell that about me without me saying it. It's like it's "written all over my face."

at the song references...

Never tell a man you are a "V". Only say your celibate for religious reasons.

 

[CarolinaGal]

If a man is truly into you, you will know. I've seen how men pursue women they truly care about and a few things come into mind such as making it a priority to talk to you if even only for a few minutes just to hear your voice, valuing you as a person and not for what they "think" they can get, letting the entire world know how they feel about you, walking 20 miles uphill both ways to get to you...just to name a few.

Know that you are a wonderful and precious gem. Although many people will flow in and out of your life, trust God to show you those who have your best interest at heart. Good luck to you!

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

^^^^ITA. Although he's studying for his exam, he would still take 5 minutes or so to reach out to you during the week. Was he not studying when he first started off and the communication was good? OP, these are signs.

 

[grow_N_Him09]

Thinking back, yes!
Like someone else said, he would call "just to hear my voice," and send cute, "sweet nothin's" texts while I was at work, at night. But as time went on, those became few and far between and I found myself doing more of the initiating.
We've talked about it briefly before where I said I would like to hear from you more often. He basically said it "puts it all on him," and I should be willing to be the first to contact him.
And the first week or so in the relationship, he mentioned a past relationship didn't work out because the girl complained that he didn't call her. So maybe he was trying to hint to me that I shouldn't expect regular calls??? IDK...think I'll just see how long before he contacts me and have "the talk," after his exam....

^^^^ITA. Although he's studying for his exam, he would still take 5 minutes or so to reach out to you during the week. Was he not studying when he first started off and the communication was good? OP, these are signs.