Married women - Do you agree with this article?

[Daeuiel]

I did not write this. An acquaintance of mine just got a job at the website this article is on, and asked me to look at it.
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He’ll Propose When He’s Ready…and Not Before
You will for sure push him away if you keep trying to get him to ask you to marry him.



By KaraOh December 13, 2010

A women wrote to me with the following: I am in relation for last 4 years. He loves me, cares about me, and says he wants to spend his whole life with me. But he is not ready to get engaged and that kills me. I have tried alot to change his mind but I’ve failed. He says he still needs time. If he loves me then what’s the reason stoping him from engagement?
Here’s my response to her and any woman who is trying to push a man into marriage:
You will for sure push him away if you keep trying to get him to ask you to marry him. He will do it when he’s ready, and not before. If you keep pushing, he will realize you are not the right women for him and walk away.
You must understand that he sees marriage as a very serious decision. There is not the romantic fantasy that women see it to be. For him, it means he is taking on the financial responsibility for another adult, and if you’re young, any children you might have. Yes, you work. But he knows that as the wife, you might decide not to work. He takes that as a huge responsibility. And he also sees marriage as being willing to take on the responsibility of your emotional well being and happiness. it’s HUGE for him.
So stop bothering him. Stop making it mean something that he is waiting. You will become an ugly woman to him if you keep pushing him. Just step back and allow things to unfold in their own way, in their own time. It will be much sweeter for you both when he finally comes to the decision on his own. You can’t get him to do it sooner than he’s ready, so stop trying.
There’s a reason I have dedicated the last dozen years to helping women understand how men are different than women. When you fully embrace and honor those differences, your relationships with men will transform. You can learn how to understand men with the secrets about men in Men Made Easy. If you want to find out if he’s a Caveman, a Dog, a Prince or all three, go to KaraOh.com and sign up to receive my 3 free ebooks.

From my heart to yours,


Kara Oh

link to page: He’ll Propose When He’s Ready…and Not Before | YourTango
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I never really thought of it that way. If a guy decides to dump you because he didn't want to marry you, then that's the end of that. You wanted different things, and now he can go be single and you can find the right guy elsewhere. I never thought it was because the woman asked or made her intentions known. I just figured even if you never said anything, that guy probably wasn't going to marry you anyway. This line really annoyed me: "If you keep pushing, he will realize you are not the right women for him and walk away." You're kidding. So if you keep silent that means you're suddenly the right one? If he doesn't 'realize' this, is he marrying the wrong woman, and your job is to keep him from realizing it? I thought this article would have women waiting for years for a proposal that isn't going to come, but then again I'm single so what do I know.

 

[sunnieb]

I agree somewhat. In my situation, I got a proposal pretty much like the article describes.

We got together very young (late teens). However, after 4 years, 1 child, and living together, I was ready for marriage. He was not. I brought up the issue often, but he kept saying he wasn't ready and felt pressured.

Then I suddenly stopped. Never even mentioned the word marriage. He popped the question and we were married 6 months later.

What I learned from that is that men get worried when their woman is silent. They don't know if you are planning to leave or what.

Looking back, I was preparing myself for our relationship to end. I was trying to get my thoughts together and decide my next move. I felt that he wasn't going to marry me and I knew I didn't want to keep "living in sin". Maybe he sensed that?

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[Lady Esquire]

I never understood pushing a man to marriage or giving him ultimatums. If it takes all of that, I don't want you to marry me. Not all men who are pressured walk away. Some men, who aren't ready, do cave in and walk down the aisle. In those cases, there runs the risk he'll resent that he was rushed and he'll resent the wife. Let it happen when both parties are ready or walk away. The right man will be just as excited to marry you.

 

[Daeuiel]

I agree somewhat. In my situation, I got a proposal pretty much like the article describes.

We got together very young (late teens). However, after 4 years, 1 child, and living together, I was ready for marriage. He was not. I brought up the issue often, but he kept saying he wasn't ready and felt pressured.

Then I suddenly stopped. Never even mentioned the word marriage. He popped the question and we were married 6 months later.

What I learned from that is that men get worried when their woman is silent. They don't know if you are planning to leave or what.

Looking back, I was preparing myself for our relationship to end. I was trying to get my thoughts together and decide my next move. I felt that he wasn't going to marry me and I knew I didn't want to keep "living in sin". Maybe he sensed that?

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Thanks for your reply. I'm so glad things worked out with you and your DH. I wonder why he would say he wasn't ready for marriage at that point. I see what you're saying about men being worried when their women is silent. But I still can't get behind the part of the article that makes it seem like you can make a man who wants to marry you but not yet, become a man who is ready to leave you, simply by telling him that you're ready for marriage now. I could see where it would annoy a man who's dragging his feet, but if he breaks up with you, I think the problem was bigger than 'you were always nagging about marriage'. If everything's fine except you want to make a lifetime commitment but he doesn't, (yet?) then everything's not fine. I guess in some cases it does come down to how long you are willing to wait for him to be ready.

 

[Daeuiel]

I never understood pushing a man to marriage or giving him ultimatums. If it takes all of that, I don't want you to marry me. Not all men who are pressured walk away. Some men, who aren't ready, do cave in and walk down the aisle. In those cases, there runs the risk he'll resent that he was rushed and he'll resent the wife. Let it happen when both parties are ready or walk away. The right man will be just as excited to marry you.

That's a good point. In your experience, was it best to just let events play out then?

 

[dlewis]

I don't believe it takes 1 year not even 6 months for a man to decide you're the one and show it by proposing. I didn't believe in pushing anyone into anything they didn't want to do. If a guy didn't show serious interest in me it was time to move on.

 

[sunnieb]

^^^ I agree with you Daeuiel. Again, we were very young at the time. I wouldn't put up with ish now! Lol! I tell dh all the time that he is it! I'm not getting married again!

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[MD_Lady]

While I don't think the reasons she lists are the only reasons a man might not propose, I agree that men propose when they are ready. I also have to at women who think they can speed the process up. No amount of and/or is going to "make" a man propose if he doesn't want to (whether it's at that specific time or at all). Besides, shouldn't a woman want to be with a man who proposed because he wanted to and not because he wants to shut her up?

 

[blackbarbietea]

It really depends on how long you've been with someone. Over 6 monthes, ya know, they've kinda gotten all the can get. if they haven't even closely decided if you're even wife material yet. then move on. If it's a year and he's like. I don't know yet...I do want to marry you but im just not ready yet!. Get it steppin. he wants to continue to play around.

 

[Imani]

I'm not married (neither do I want to be right now), but this part of the article I did not agree witih
And he also sees marriage as being willing to take on the responsibility of your emotional well being and happiness. it’s HUGE for him.

Another human being is not responsible for my well being and happiness. I am.


And this too I disagree with.
If you keep pushing, he will realize you are not the right women for him and walk away.

To me the way this sentence is worded, then you weren't the right woman for him from jump street, not bc u were pushing him.


And I'd never pressure anyone to walk down the aisle. If I have pressure you, to me that means, a)u aren't ready to be married or b)u want to be married but not to me.

 

[dlewis]

And I'd never pressure anyone to walk down the aisle. If I have pressure you, to me that means, a)u aren't ready to be married or b)u want to be married but not to me.

My cousin did that. Planned a wedding, odered everything and her bf kept telling her he wasn't going to marry her. Guess what? he didn't show up at all. I think I posted about this years ago. It was a mess. It was to talk of the town. She ended up marrying some dude from way up north and when he moved here people started asking him if he knew what happened.

 

[HoneyA]

My cousin did that. Planned a wedding, odered everything and her bf kept telling her he wasn't going to marry her. Guess what? he didn't show up at all. I think I posted about this years ago. It was a mess. It was to talk of the town. She ended up marrying some dude from way up north and when he moved here people started asking him if he knew what happened.

WHAT?! ok, I...are you serious? Did you try to reason with her?

 

[Lady Esquire]

I don't believe it takes 1 year not even 6 months for a man to decide you're the one and show it by proposing. I didn't believe in pushing anyone into anything they didn't want to do. If a guy didn't show serious interest in me it was time to move on.

I agree. One of my best friends was hell bent on bashing her man with ultimatums and deadlines. I asked her why she would want to even marry a man who needed all of that pushing? What kind of marriage did she expect to have if she dragged him to the church? She later thanked me for asking her that question 'cause she never saw it like that. She thought all men needed help to propose. She ended up marrying the next dude, and it happened pretty quick & painless. They celebrated 12 years last month.

That's a good point. In your experience, was it best to just let events play out then?

Yep. Look at the alternative: you demanding that he marry you. Manipulation and threatening shouldn't be the way you start the marriage off. Where does the relationship go from there?

Marriage was never something I craved for while I dated. Sure, it was always on my to-do list, but it was not an absolute urgent need when I met DH. I genuinely enjoyed the act of dating. I was actually a happy and active singleton. When he proposed, less than a year in, it just felt like a natural progression. Everything happened fast....very fast.

 

[AstroQueen77]

I agree somewhat. I think you have to be pretty clear about your intentions from dating him...and when you see that things are moving in the direction that you want, make it clear from your ACTIONS that you are moving on. I think it was another poster on here. She said she was living with her boyfriend and that she was ready for a proposal. The boyfriend wasnt ready and their lease was expiring in some months. Near the end of her lease, she simply stated that it dosent seem like things are working out, so she starting looking for another apartment and dividing up the furniture. He did end up proposing.
So although I think you shouldnt nag or whine, you shouldnt be passive either. With some guys, it takes them realizing that you are moving on before they get that they want you. And really, it is a win-win situation for the woman. If he didn't come after her, she would be well on her way to provide room for the next man in her life.

 

[abcd09]

It has been my experience that men like laid back women who really don't talk about "the relationship" that much. I have a hard time trying to formulate what I mean by the relationship. Perhaps it's that when they hear you open your mouth to speak about it, they zone out, or think you believe there is something going wrong. I noticed before I was engaged that when my attitude was "Pssh marriage", he was really into it. I have no idea why. It's a challenge I suppose.

 

[DarkVictory]

He’ll Propose When He’s Ready…and Not Before

Agree with this.

You will for sure push him away if you keep trying to get him to ask you to marry him.

Just step back and allow things to unfold in their own way, in their own time.

Don't agree he will be pushed away. He's likely to hang around indefinitely and then when he's "ready" go off and find someone he considers wife material. As you say, OP, this would have you waiting for something that's never going to happen.

You must understand that he sees marriage as a blah blah woof woof woof...

No offense to whoever wrote the article, but "how to understand men" and "how to understand women" advice is a pet peeve of mine. Better to understand yourself and what you want. "I want to be married soon and he doesn't. Next!" Saves a lot of aggrevation.

 

[mrselle]

The writer of the article brings up a lot of good points. A good friend of mine gave her boyfriend (now husband) an ultimatum. He needed to propose to her within a certain time frame or she was going to leave him. When his time was up and he still had not proposed he told her point blank that he was not going to propose to her just because she told him when to do it, where to do it and how to do it. He told her that he would propose to her when he got ready. And that was exactly what he did. He proposed to her about nine months later on his own terms.

 

[dlewis]

WHAT?! ok, I...are you serious? Did you try to reason with her?

Nope, why would I. It wasn't my business but I thought he would show up.

 

[libertysince05]

did the writer rip off advice out of the 50's?
this gem in particular is nauseating:

"You must understand that he sees marriage as a very serious decision. There is not the romantic fantasy that women see it to be. For him, it means he is taking on the financial responsibility for another adult, and if you’re young, any children you might have. Yes, you work. But he knows that as the wife, you might decide not to work. He takes that as a huge responsibility. And he also sees marriage as being willing to take on the responsibility of your emotional well being and happiness. it’s HUGE for him."

is the writer implying that women dont see marriage as a commitment? that they all dream of bein housewives?
seriously if your guy won't propose, why dont you do the proposing?
i do agree with the previous poster that said 6-12 months gives you a good idea whether you want the person or not

 

[calmsensual1]

I talked to my bf a couple of weeks ago about marriage, but I worded it kind of weird. I basically told him I wanted to buy a house one day, save & invest, own a business, have children etc etc and I needed to know if I should do those things with or without him. JUST.LIKE.THAT.

To put it in short, he is definitely down. He hasn't proposed yet but we're definitely talking about our future in more secure terms now. He's even asking me what kind of wedding dress I want and etc etc. Now, whenever he buys something, he consults me first. Sometimes they need a little push.

 

[Kimgirl50]

why does it seem now that women are trying to TRICK their men into marriage.

 

[Daeuiel]

why does it seem now that women are trying to TRICK their men into marriage.

Yeah, that's what I didn't like about the article. I like the posts that said you should be with a guy who is happy to marry you and doesn't need 'finessing' or cajoling or ultimatums.

 

[topnotch1010]

I don't believe it takes 1 year not even 6 months for a man to decide you're the one and show it by proposing. I didn't believe in pushing anyone into anything they didn't want to do. If a guy didn't show serious interest in me it was time to move on.

ITA I.T.A!!!!


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[Lita]

I never understood pushing a man to marriage or giving him ultimatums. If it takes all of that, I don't want you to marry me. Not all men who are pressured walk away. Some men, who aren't ready, do cave in and walk down the aisle. In those cases, there runs the risk he'll resent that he was rushed and he'll resent the wife. Let it happen when both parties are ready or walk away. The right man will be just as excited to marry you.

Well said!




Happy Hair Growing!

 

[MD_Lady]

why does it seem now that women are trying to TRICK their men into marriage.

Because that's what sells books and magazines and fills seminars nowadays. The authors of 'He's Not That Into You' seemed to be the only ones who went out on a limb and found success by selling the truth (i.e. you can't make an uninterested person want you/a life with you so, instead of about it, use that time and energy to move on with your life).

 

[PracticallyMe]

I'm married. I agree that you don't need to pester or nag a man to marry you, but you should have talked enough about the future to see where his head is at and let him know where your head is at. But I don't agree you need to just sit around and wait to see if he figures out if you are the one for him. It doesn't take that long for men to know.

If you think he is someone you could see yourself marrying (after dating for a couple of years ...sometimes for older folks we don't need that long), you need to know if he feels the same way. I'm not saying set a firm deadline or anything, but after you have been dating for 4 years (or whatever your number is) and you feel like it's not going anywhere, it just may not be going anywhere.

If you are happy just being in a relationship with that particular person no matter what the circumstances then just keep on going. Maybe he will marry you. However, if you feel like he is not marriage-minded and you are marriage-minded let him know that you don't think things are working out and move on. Why stay with somebody 6 or 7 years (I'm talking about grown folks like from mid 20s and up) hoping they will come around? You know what you bring to the table. If you feel like you are wife material than find someone that agrees with you.

Sometimes I just think men are comfortable in their situations. Until their world is shaken up, sometimes they don't react. I mean my DH can see the trash can just as full as I see it and keep piling trash on like its nothing. Now if I took that trash can to his office where he often hangs out, I bet he would be dumping it a little quicker because now his situation is affected.

With my DH and I, we would always talk about marriage but didn't have any concrete deadlines. Then once it got to about 4 yrs. I told him that I wanted to be married, and it was fine if he didn't but that I needed to move on to find someone that did. We were living together too, so maybe it had to do with a lease getting ready to be up. It wasn't an ultimatum or a big blow-up or anything. I just wanted to inform him because I was serious. In my mind I didn't want to spend all my good years with someone just playing house. So, I was fine with it.

I think we started looking at rings shortly thereafter. I wasn't trying to force the issue or anything, but I knew what I wanted, so either he wanted it too or it was time for me to meet someone that did. No use in being in a situation that's not a good fit for you.