What to know how guys think & why they do certain things???

Bunny77 said:
Thanks for your earlier explanation Amara!

One point where we might disagree though is that while I don't think said men should be vilified for waiting, I'm kinda like this :rolleyes: about them too.

There are too many good black women out here who want to be with black men but are being forced to wait longer than they should be because some dudes come up with these really unrealistic timelines about when they want to settle down. While it's their right to make those decisions, I don't think it really helps our community as a whole to have all of these single 30-something bachelors running around "establishing" themselves, and single 30-something black women who want to be married missing out on some of their best reproductive years or times in which they are ready to start focusing on marriage and family.

Although love can find you at any age, this waiting until you're darn near 40 stuff ain't the business, and really, I think there's a lot of selfishness and immaturity involved when men make these decisions to wait for no particularly good reason besides them just not being ready to take on a responsibility that typically is a part of true manhood.
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I've had an old boyfriend track me down to my parent's old house, the new renters called my parents and then they called me. When I met up with him it was the whole I want to marry you but I need to finish getting myself situated (graduated from CAL and was working on getting his business up and going) and I"m going to come back for you. Well 8 years later - I haven't heard from him and I'm now married to someone.

Timing is a factor and I understand that you may meet some nice, educated, good brothers that are getting their careers in order. That's cool but while you are working to get yourself together, I'm dating having a good ole time and if someone who is serious comes along - I'm out!
 
If you are single and ready to settle down and looking for a serious relationship then you need to have the right perspective. First of all, think of dating like the Superbowl - it's the playoffs and any men that approach you need to be ready to play or step off the field. If he ain't talking about nothing, you keep moving. No need in wasting your time if the end result you desire is marriage.

Secondly, be confident in yourself. What one guy may not find attractive another one will so be yourself. Don't change who you are to try and please a man. Let him see upfront what he gets. If he doesn't like it- oh well his loss (he might be gay anyway :grin: j/k).

Women hold ALL the power. A man can ask you to marry him but it's the women who makes the final decision.
 
stargoddess said:
i think us as women we need to stop overanalysing and trying to make excuses and just realise the bullsh!t, if you constantly feel sidelined in your own relationship then its time to go
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I thanked you but I really want to emphasize this point.

If only women put the same time in themselves and living life as overanalysing.....
 
Bunny77 said:
Thanks for your earlier explanation Amara!

One point where we might disagree though is that while I don't think said men should be vilified for waiting, I'm kinda like this :rolleyes: about them too.

There are too many good black women out here who want to be with black men but are being forced to wait longer than they should be because some dudes come up with these really unrealistic timelines about when they want to settle down. While it's their right to make those decisions, I don't think it really helps our community as a whole to have all of these single 30-something bachelors running around "establishing" themselves, and single 30-something black women who want to be married missing out on some of their best reproductive years or times in which they are ready to start focusing on marriage and family.

Although love can find you at any age, this waiting until you're darn near 40 stuff ain't the business, and really, I think there's a lot of selfishness and immaturity involved when men make these decisions to wait for no particularly good reason besides them just not being ready to take on a responsibility that typically is a part of true manhood.
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I hear you Bunny :yep:
 
Wow, this is a great thread! I know many women that make excuses for why men are not committing to them or why men do the things they do. Either he's interested in your or not..if not, just recognize it and keep it moving..
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
Girl yes. Plus if he moves back to NY he is eligible for a regents scholarship that will pay for his continuing education in the healthcare field provided that he stays in NYS for a period of time after his schooling is completly done. And Im 99% sure he would receive that scholarship because I have yet to meet or stumble across an AA dentist here in Western New York..in fact there are only 2 in Buffalo:perplexed


The doctor I used to work for complained about not making enough money at Apsen dental. She only made about $475 a day:rolleyes: She said it was a lot of work but it helped build her patient base for when she opened her own practice. i was like shoot if I could make that in a week for now I would be golden:lachen: He said he wanted to be the sole provider...But ummm I think thats quite doable with that Aspen Salary:look:.
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Oh most definitely!! Yeah, he is quite content to be signed up as a long term member of the bachelor club, and is just making excuses. :lol:
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
i think timing has a lot to do with it among those other issues that where mentioned. I have went on several dates and hung around with a few guys, and they said they met the right girl a long time ago but just wasn't ready at the time to fully commit (had nothing to do with finances either :lol:), and to some extent they regret it. All of these men where referring to when they where in their mid to late 20s. Can't force urself to stick around with someone if ur not ready, when that other person is. Oh well. I cant blame them for it, because I have commitment issues to some extent as well. Im not making up excuses for anyone, and men who treat women like garbage has nothing to do with what I mentioned. Im speaking of genuinely nice guys who just werent ready *shrugs*
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I think this is a really good perspective to keep in mind. I mean, we should definitely recognize the BS, but really, it's no good to start villifying men for no good reason other than that they won't give us what we want them to. I kind of did that with a guy a year or so back and it doesn't come off as confidence, just selfishness and demanding"ness". Just chalk it up to different wants/expectations and move on.

Though, that point might be more relevant for the younger ladies on here dealing with the younger men, like the post suggests. If I were even 2 years older than I am now, I'd be saying, NEXT! a whole lot more.
 
Dance4days said:
Secondly, be confident in yourself. What one guy may not find attractive another one will so be yourself. Don't change who you are to try and please a man. Let him see upfront what he gets. If he doesn't like it- oh well his loss (he might be gay anyway :grin: j/k).
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Sometimes I wonder how much of the chasing women do is really rooted in some belief that no one else (or maybe no one, period) would like us enough to pursue us correctly. If you wholeheartedly believe that something just as good is around the corner, you wouldn't waste your time in something going nowhere.

I mean, I have a friend in a 3 yr. relationship with a young man who she's managed to force to finally promise to propose about a year or so from now. :perplexed And while I don't exactly have anything against him, and he may well propose a year from now, I really suspect the real reason she's sticking with him is that she somehow doesn't believe she can find anyone better, or a "good black man." Mind you, this man has lied to her, sort of cheated on her, abuses various substances, and is barely staying in school. But for her, he's the best she can do...so she thinks.

You've got to be able to see that there's something better out there in order to have the strength to leave.
 
nicola.kirwan said:
Sometimes I wonder how much of the chasing women do is really rooted in some belief that no one else (or maybe no one, period) would like us enough to pursue us correctly. If you wholeheartedly believe that something just as good is around the corner, you wouldn't waste your time in something going nowhere.

I mean, I have a friend in a 3 yr. relationship with a young man who she's managed to force to finally promise to propose about a year or so from now. :perplexed And while I don't exactly have anything against him, and he may well propose a year from now, I really suspect the real reason she's sticking with him is that she somehow doesn't believe she can find anyone better, or a "good black man." Mind you, this man has lied to her, sort of cheated on her, abuses various substances, and is barely staying in school. But for her, he's the best she can do...so she thinks.

You've got to be able to see that there's something better out there in order to have the strength to leave.
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Excellent points.

Now see, I couldn't have stayed with a dude who was as shady as this guy, so I personally would have left because I know I could do better... BUT... I'm thinking more of the other type of guy who doesn't do all that shady stuff but is just dragging his feet for no real good reason.

A woman might be better off leaving, but like you said, if she doesn't think there are enough options out there that ARE ready to commit, then she might think she's better off just sticking around with what she has. And the truth is, she might be justified in thinking that if she sees a bunch of her friends struggling to find any man and if she's not seeing too many of them getting proposals themselves.

So yeah, there is a risk... either way...
 
There's only one reason a man won't propose and that's because he hasn't found "The One" yet. Finances and current situations take a back seat when he finds the one he truly can't live without.

I've seen it happen over and over again.
 
Bunny77 said:
Hi Amara! While I know these guys were probably speaking from the heart and being honest, it's still messed up, in my opinion. Honestly, I'm tired of the "oh it's so hard to be a black man," thing... as a poster said, not all white men are hooked up either, but plenty of them will marry before all of their ducks are in a row financially.

Even among black folks, until these recent generations, no one had this idea that you had to wait until you were 100000% financially stable to get married. Folks often married when they were still in school or right out of school... they got a small house or apartment and THEN when things got better, they moved to a better house/better neighborhood, etc.

So, wherever this idea of extending a relationship until finances are great idea came from, it's messed up. A man could go on forever deciding that his finances "aren't right." But really, unless you are truly ballin', when are finances ever really great? I think when this idea came up, it was legit, but folks are truly running with it now to avoid commitment (or to push their boys away from commitment) and black folks are truly suffering because of it.

I know you're still in college, so it might make more sense for an early-20 something man to say this, but when dude is past 27 and still talking about not committing because his finances aren't great, he needs to GTFOOHWTBS, honestly.

And don't even try to be playin' that "po' black man" card either!!! :D
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:clap: PREACH! I respect a younger man, like someone still in college or straight out of college, who realizes he needs something going for himself before getting married...but if that's the case, he need not be getting himself into a serious relationship with someone he knows is ready. But that all boils down to you two being on the same page.

Which is why at some point in our lives, we must make the decision to only date men who already have their stuff together if we're looking for long term commitment. Sometimes we get so caught up in the fantasy scenario of--girl meets guy, guy is struggling, girl sticks by guy, guy gets on his feet, guy marries girl and they live happily ever after because he appreciates her sticking with him when he was down and out. It happens, but I see too often that man get on his feet and be like PEACE! IT'S BEEN FUN!:nono:
 
Thanks for the good advice.

If a guy reveals to me as soon as possible that he's not interested in me, he'd be doing me a huge favor. I can drop him and move on.
 
Ladies, please get out of the habit of thinking that the guy you are dating (but is not stepping up) is the best you can find out there. He CAN be replaced. Know that! There are 50 states in the US plus the rest of the world. You only need 1 man to marry - your options are ENDLESS!!!! Be the diva you are and know that you are worth the effort. And if he can find someone who he doesn't have to work that hard to get - let em have her. You keep your standards.

Here is how to quickly filter out the real men from bs men. When you meet a man, PLEASE let him do most of the talking. Normally we like to tell our whole life story at the beginning. OH NO - let him talk, find out all you can about him. See here is where the test comes in. He will begin to fill your head with what he is going to do for you and paint this picture. OK, whatever. Now your job is to be nice, go on dates & enjoy yourself. IF he is for real and ready to step up, then everything he says he will do and his behavior will match his words. If you notice he isn't following through or his behavior is different than his words - BS & he's not ready, plain and simple. Now you decide if you are willing to deal or not. If not, keep it movin.

Men are EVERYWHERE. Go to places they like to go: sporting events, places to watch games, car shows etc... Every association has conferences and at those conferences are social events - find a way to attend because there will be men there. Like the black MBA association, or the black dental or doctor's association etc....Home depot is another good place so don't go up in there looking a hot mess - be prepared. And during the summer - aw lawd - they come out the woodwork so all you have to do is just be out and about especially at festivals, concerts, etc...
 
This is a most interesting and insiteful thread. I have recently been on a quest for relationship knowledge...LOL

Men are fascinating, frustrating and beautiful creatures. Recently, I have been asking my guy friends who range in age from 20 to 45 (I work at a college so I talk to students too).

Alot of what's been discussed is dead on based on my independent research LOL.

I'd also like to add that it's hard, nearly impossible, to change a man's mind. So if he says he's not ready to get married, then believe him. Don't think that you can cook, clean, give lap dances or sex him till he's cross-eyed and he will want to commit.

You can give him a glimpse of who you are and what you could be to him, but then it's up to him.

I agree about the timing and it sometimes not being right. This explains why a man can be a relationship for years, break up, meet someone else and be engaged in 6 months. Sometimes it's the timing.

When a man decides he's ready to get married, NOTHING will stop him from finding a wife.

I'd say to women who are in that limbo of a situation...there is nothing wrong with bringing up the subject. He is not the only one in the relationship and if you need some clarity, then by all means ask for it. But also be prepared for the answer.

If the man gives you a vague answer, back up enough to give him a glimpse of life without you. This is not playing games. This gives you some perspective and protects your heart.

Some men say they are not ready, but actually pull you closer to them (emotionally and mentally). These men do want some time to gather themselves because they want to provide for you the best way they can (whether the household will be 1 income or 2). But they also know that they don't want to lose you. This is when you have to determine whether or not you can wait. If you can, then try. If not, acknowledge that and move on.

I think this is also the type of thread to point out that only you can determine what is best for you and your relationship. Others will always impose their opinions about when you should get married, where you should be in your relationship, etc. I think you should have standards and maybe even some internal timelines, but that's not something even your best girlfriend can determine. I think some women end relationships prematurely based on their girlfriends' ideas about what should be going on in their relationship.

Just my .10..........
 
By the first few paragraphs this looks good. Subscribing to read later and to share with a friend who needs to hear it. :grin:
 
arr1216 said:
This is a most interesting and insiteful thread. I have recently been on a quest for relationship knowledge...LOL

Men are fascinating, frustrating and beautiful creatures. Recently, I have been asking my guy friends who range in age from 20 to 45 (I work at a college so I talk to students too).

Alot of what's been discussed is dead on based on my independent research LOL.

I'd also like to add that it's hard, nearly impossible, to change a man's mind. So if he says he's not ready to get married, then believe him. Don't think that you can cook, clean, give lap dances or sex him till he's cross-eyed and he will want to commit.

You can give him a glimpse of who you are and what you could be to him, but then it's up to him.

I agree about the timing and it sometimes not being right. This explains why a man can be a relationship for years, break up, meet someone else and be engaged in 6 months. Sometimes it's the timing.

When a man decides he's ready to get married, NOTHING will stop him from finding a wife.

I'd say to women who are in that limbo of a situation...there is nothing wrong with bringing up the subject. He is not the only one in the relationship and if you need some clarity, then by all means ask for it. But also be prepared for the answer.

If the man gives you a vague answer, back up enough to give him a glimpse of life without you. This is not playing games. This gives you some perspective and protects your heart.

Some men say they are not ready, but actually pull you closer to them (emotionally and mentally). These men do want some time to gather themselves because they want to provide for you the best way they can (whether the household will be 1 income or 2). But they also know that they don't want to lose you. This is when you have to determine whether or not you can wait. If you can, then try. If not, acknowledge that and move on.

I think this is also the type of thread to point out that only you can determine what is best for you and your relationship. Others will always impose their opinions about when you should get married, where you should be in your relationship, etc. I think you should have standards and maybe even some internal timelines, but that's not something even your best girlfriend can determine. I think some women end relationships prematurely based on their girlfriends' ideas about what should be going on in their relationship.

Just my .10..........
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Beautifully stated!
 
There are several posts on here that sort of come off as irritated by the fact that some women pose the questions about men that we do. Being a woman currently going thru this situation, I must say that even IF a woman has the strength to leave it doesn't make it easy. I left my fiance for not being there for me anymore, because I knew it was best for me. This was two weeks and two days ago. With each day that passes, I have more and more questions not fewer. I miss him more. I run more scenarios. I think he thought he was ready for marriage (he's 26) because he finished his Masters and two of his (older) best friends are married/engaged, then he met me (wifey material, if I may say so myself!). He thought he was there. Five weeks post engagement....everything crumbles. All along we were clear that we were talking for marriage and we were making plans and discussing important things that need to be discussed before marriage.

He just flipped the script. So, just know ladies that as much as we know ourselves I don't think these guys know themselves as well. Or atleast they aren't as ready to warm their cold feet when it happens.

We need other women to not down us for being emotionally shattered for a while after we make the right decisions for ourselves. Because it is difficult enough to walk away as it is.
 
Kamilah said:
There are several posts on here that sort of come off as irritated by the fact that some women pose the questions about men that we do. Being a woman currently going thru this situation, I must say that even IF a woman has the strength to leave it doesn't make it easy. I left my fiance for not being there for me anymore, because I knew it was best for me. This was two weeks and two days ago. With each day that passes, I have more and more questions not fewer. I miss him more. I run more scenarios. I think he thought he was ready for marriage (he's 26) because he finished his Masters and two of his (older) best friends are married/engaged, then he met me (wifey material, if I may say so myself!). He thought he was there. Five weeks post engagement....everything crumbles. All along we were clear that we were talking for marriage and we were making plans and discussing important things that need to be discussed before marriage.
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Yes, there's a big difference between hearing a plain, "Oh, he's just not that into you (and what a fool you are for ever thinking he was)," and hearing "You are beautiful and worthy, let's look at how a good man would treat such a woman as yourself." The latter is affirming and empowering, giving women the strength to leave and find something better, where the former can leave you feeling like, well, kind of deflated and more prone to self-doubt.

Let's be affirming :yep: :hug3:
 
Kamilah said:
There are several posts on here that sort of come off as irritated by the fact that some women pose the questions about men that we do. Being a woman currently going thru this situation, I must say that even IF a woman has the strength to leave it doesn't make it easy. I left my fiance for not being there for me anymore, because I knew it was best for me. This was two weeks and two days ago. With each day that passes, I have more and more questions not fewer. I miss him more. I run more scenarios. I think he thought he was ready for marriage (he's 26) because he finished his Masters and two of his (older) best friends are married/engaged, then he met me (wifey material, if I may say so myself!). He thought he was there. Five weeks post engagement....everything crumbles. All along we were clear that we were talking for marriage and we were making plans and discussing important things that need to be discussed before marriage.

He just flipped the script. So, just know ladies that as much as we know ourselves I don't think these guys know themselves as well. Or atleast they aren't as ready to warm their cold feet when it happens.

We need other women to not down us for being emotionally shattered for a while after we make the right decisions for ourselves. Because it is difficult enough to walk away as it is.
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This is an excellent point!!!!!

Making the right decision doesn't make it an easy one.

I know that I too have more questions than ever when it comes to the ending of a relationship. Before I was into always needing closure, sometimes I still am. Steve Harvey helped me understand that I can't and probably won't always get that.

So I know how you feel with the questions and the scenarios. I think a certain amount of introspection is good so that you can not make the same mistakes going forward or that you learn lessons about yourself and your desires.

Good luck to you...
 
arr1216 said:
This is an excellent point!!!!!

Making the right decision doesn't make it an easy one.

I know that I too have more questions than ever when it comes to the ending of a relationship. Before I was into always needing closure, sometimes I still am. Steve Harvey helped me understand that I can't and probably won't always get that.

So I know how you feel with the questions and the scenarios. I think a certain amount of introspection is good so that you can not make the same mistakes going forward or that you learn lessons about yourself and your desires.

Good luck to you...
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You are sooooo right!!! Men are usually not as verbal as we are. So a lot of times when a relationship ends they handle it differently than us. They may not need closure like we do. Most of the time when we seek closure we do not get the answers we are looking for. So it will help you as you date to not rely on closure and mentally find closure for yourself. You may never know why a man has behaved in a particular manner, go with what you do know. If he isn't a positive force in your life and you let him go, just know that sometimes it's HIM and HIS ISSUES that he needs to figure out and not something you did or didn't do.

It is difficult to walk away from some relationships and YES it may take you time to get to that point to walk away, but be very clear about your decisions (whether it's to stay or leave) and understand the end results. Sometimes women stay in relationships that are not the best because they feel they have invested a lot of time, they don't want to start all over - they already know this person, they feel they won't find anyone else, etc... At the end of the day ask yourself this - would you rather be unhappy or not content with someone or a little lonely for a minute but at night you can sleep in peace.

It takes discipline to walk away from situations you know are not the best. Yes, you may be lonely and alone but usually this gives you time to work on yourself and think about what type of relationship is best for you. Then when a more acceptable man comes into your life, you will appreciate them and be emotionally ready to receive him.
 
Kamilah said:
There are several posts on here that sort of come off as irritated by the fact that some women pose the questions about men that we do. Being a woman currently going thru this situation, I must say that even IF a woman has the strength to leave it doesn't make it easy. I left my fiance for not being there for me anymore, because I knew it was best for me. This was two weeks and two days ago. With each day that passes, I have more and more questions not fewer. I miss him more. I run more scenarios. I think he thought he was ready for marriage (he's 26) because he finished his Masters and two of his (older) best friends are married/engaged, then he met me (wifey material, if I may say so myself!). He thought he was there. Five weeks post engagement....everything crumbles. All along we were clear that we were talking for marriage and we were making plans and discussing important things that need to be discussed before marriage.

He just flipped the script. So, just know ladies that as much as we know ourselves I don't think these guys know themselves as well. Or atleast they aren't as ready to warm their cold feet when it happens.

We need other women to not down us for being emotionally shattered for a while after we make the right decisions for ourselves. Because it is difficult enough to walk away as it is.
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I've been in a similar situation TWICE. Engaged once and realized he was not responsible enough and didn't have it all together so I left. Then years later I dated a man who was all talk about marriage etc...but his actions didn't match. He would rather play golf with his boys all day. So I walked away again. But two years later - I found the one who pursued me, followed through, was serious and now he is my DH!!!! Be patient, and follow what you feel is right in your heart.
 
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