Married/Committed Men and Me.... Why does it keep happening?/ VENT

[Theo]

There's this guy I met a house party a few months back. He's a little older than me, late 20s. We found out we were going to be moving to Boston to attend the same school at around the same time so we exchanged numbers. Honestly, he really seemed to be into me. I thought we were flirting. Plus he complimented me a lot. Anyway, I told this new dude I would hit him up whenever I made it out here....put him in the back of mind until now.

I texted him earlier this week and he responded very enthusiastically, he seemed so nice! He said he couldn't meet up this wknd cuz he had a BLSA thing (he's in the law school), but that we should DEFINITELY meet up next week. I'm thinking to myself like okay cool this is nice, I got me a nice older friend with a lil' bit of money (he had nice job before going back to school) and he is a gentleman to boot! At least he seemed like it based off our interactions....

Of course I come to find out this guy is MARRIED. And of course it was through Facebook (aka the devil) He had wedding pictures up, the wedding was over a yr ago... he married this GORGEOUS black women.... her dress was

So it got me trying to remember... did I see a ring on his finger? Did he mention he was married? Was he flirting with me or not? I mean, I thought so at the time.... also is his wife here? Is she okay with us meeting up? Was his wife in Chicago at the time? Why was he out so late without her? That was another thing that confused me. He was out until like 3am in morning! I assumed he was single... Are married men even supposed be hanging out that late? Also I feel like I remember him telling me he was moving up here with a roommate... was he talking about his wife? erplexed Did he actually say wife? I mean it was a party, things were loud, I was a little tipsy.....

Lastly why does this happen to me? Its the story of my life since college. I have a penchant for attracting very eligible non-bachelors... Charismatic UEs with great careers, who are trifling on the inside with wives and LTRs

Is it me? I dunno what's going on. I'm a good girl, I swear. Do I give out slutty vibes or something? Seriously why does this keep happening? Why does he have to be trifling? He was so cute! He was an HBCU GRAD! PERFECT! EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO WELL!!!

 

[Theo]

And then get this. He has the SAME NAME (first and last) as one of the other trifling men who was continuously hitting me up in college. I should have known.

 

[Lucie]

Anything you continually give your attention to will manifest eventually in the physical. I am sorry this happened. If his FB is saying and showing different than what he's telling you, let him go. I doubt a man would put wedding pics and all of that if he were lying. He is obviously not the man for you or his wife.

 

[Theo]

Anything you continually give your attention to will manifest eventually in the physical. I am sorry this happened. If his FB is saying and showing different than what he's telling you, let him go. I doubt a man would put wedding pics and all of that if he were lying. He is obviously not the man for you or his wife.

LOL what do you mean let him go? I never had him in the first place. I'm not going to pursue things with him... he's married lol. I just don't know why I keep attracting these knuckleheads. This is the 3rd time in 3 yrs. WTH

 

[Lucie]

LOL what do you mean let him go? I never had him in the first place. I'm not going to pursue things with him... he's married lol. I just don't know why I keep attracting these knuckleheads. This is the 3rd time in 3 yrs. WTH

I meant let him go in the sense of just not interacting with him any further. It's really amazing how Facebook shows you who a person really is. There are people I've known for decades and discovered their racist, sexist attitudes because of their status updates. Mind you, in person our conversations in person are always positive and uplifting. I am happy you found out though, so this is not all bad. Good luck!

 

[Urban]

Girl, just be glad you found out now, rather than later. This guy knew what he was doing! You'd think any guy with a little common sense would just work in the fact that they're married when talking to someone of the opposite sex (who was potentially single), so everyone knows where they stand. Even if it wasn't at the party, he could've mentioned it in the texts. Annoying I know, and it's hard to just blatantly ask someone if their married or commited. KIM though, ain't nothing you can do about it, just keep weeding them out.

 

[hopeful]

I bet that must be frustrating! I would have thought a man out at 3am was single too. And quit second-guessing yourself, girl you know he was flirting AND showing clear interest. If I were you I would google "women who attract married men," or "why do I attract married men," etc. because there may be something you are doing to attract them. Just from a brief search one lady said women attract older, married men because they are energetic, excited about life, free and unencumbered, and that that is very appealing to these married men who may feel saddled down and or bored. It's not your fault that you are so interesting and dynamic.

 

[lushcoils]

^^^
And here I thought being "energetic, excited about life, free and unencumbered" was supposed to attract good, quality men into your life.

 

[Imani]

^^^I find that when I get these types of men- they say things like I am fun, laid back, easy going/easy to talk to, "light", "cool", funny, relaxing to be around, interesting conversation, etc

I went through a time in my mid twenties (quarter life crisis when I thought everything about me and my life was wrong and awful, lol) where I literally was trying to be somebody else bc I figured something about my personality caused men to want me to be a jump off, f buddy, sidepiece, etc. I figured I needed to be more "serious" acting or something.

So I tried to change who I was, got in a relationship, and felt even more miserable being somebody I wasn't.

So nowadays I am just me and don't try to be anyone else. There is nothing wrong w/me and its not my fault; I'm a cool @ss chic, these ninjas are just trifling as hell. I am just a lot more observant and discerning about who I let into my space. Once you've encountered enough of these dudes, trust me, after a while you'll start seeing the red flags loud and clear or you will just get that gut feeling something ain't right and quickly dismiss them.

 

[Keen]

Well, you are the constant in all the situations. I don't think it means you're slutty. With men who are already in relationship or married, it may mean that you give the vibe that you're down to be #2.

 

[TrueToHair]

..........................

 

[hopeful]

^^^
And here I thought being "energetic, excited about life, free and unencumbered" was supposed to attract good, quality men into your life.

It should! I was just passing along one woman's opinions. The OP is trying to gain perspective. I think it's much more positive to get that sometimes these guys are attracted to you because you are cool, vs. slutty, etc. My husband said all of those qualities are what attracted him to me.

 

[hopeful]

Thank you for posting this. This is a very sensitive subject for me, but I finally decided to post. It got so bad that now I usually assume the men are married or taken unless they clearly state otherwise. I cried about it when I was younger (around 19-20) because often I kind of was interested. I wondered if I had some kind of "slut" branding across my forehead, visible only to men.

Another thing is that one of my friends told me I come across as too innocent and gullible for my own good. I think I'm a little better at showing that I "take no crap" while still being myself.

I think the gullible/too innocent thing is much more likely to be at play than the slutty thing. You sound like a sweet person, not slutty or loose at all. Don't let these dummies have you doubting yourself, they are the ones in the wrong and betraying their girlfriends/wives.

 

[MzLady78]

I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with the woman. I think that men like this simply throw the bait out there and see who bites.

I went through a period like this too, and I'm pretty sure that in the 5 minute conversations that took place before I found out they were involved, that they could not have picked up some "will be the side chick" vibe.

 

[sbfairy]

Is it possible that you may have just misinterpreted his signals? I am married and I am a very social person. It would not be unusual for me to be out with friends or a party with or without my husband until 3 am. I have friends who are male and my husband thinks nothing of me meeting them for activities and vice versa. My husband and I trust each other and we are both the kind of people who call and walk in the door when we say we will. To me it sounds like he was excited to meet someone who would be in the city he was moving to. Also, it wasn't like he was trying to hide the fact that he is married, it's right out there on FB for all to see. I think most single young women go through this with men. Partially because some men just can't help themselves when it comes to flirting. I also think it's true that older men are attracted to younger women because they have less baggage as well (meaning you won't call him on his crap like his wife does). As long as you have standards and let these men know you don't play that's all that counts.

 

[MissJ]

There's this guy I met a house party a few months back. He's a little older than me, late 20s. We found out we were going to be moving to Boston to attend the same school at around the same time so we exchanged numbers. Honestly, he really seemed to be into me. I thought we were flirting. Plus he complimented me a lot. Anyway, I told this new dude I would hit him up whenever I made it out here....put him in the back of mind until now.

I texted him earlier this week and he responded very enthusiastically, he seemed so nice! He said he couldn't meet up this wknd cuz he had a BLSA thing (he's in the law school), but that we should DEFINITELY meet up next week. I'm thinking to myself like okay cool this is nice, I got me a nice older friend with a lil' bit of money (he had nice job before going back to school) and he is a gentleman to boot! At least he seemed like it based off our interactions....

Of course I come to find out this guy is MARRIED. And of course it was through Facebook (aka the devil) He had wedding pictures up, the wedding was over a yr ago... he married this GORGEOUS black women.... her dress was

So it got me trying to remember... did I see a ring on his finger? Did he mention he was married? Was he flirting with me or not? I mean, I thought so at the time.... also is his wife here? Is she okay with us meeting up? Was his wife in Chicago at the time? Why was he out so late without her? That was another thing that confused me. He was out until like 3am in morning! I assumed he was single... Are married men even supposed be hanging out that late? Also I feel like I remember him telling me he was moving up here with a roommate... was he talking about his wife? erplexed Did he actually say wife? I mean it was a party, things were loud, I was a little tipsy.....

Lastly why does this happen to me? Its the story of my life since college. I have a penchant for attracting very eligible non-bachelors... Charismatic UEs with great careers, who are trifling on the inside with wives and LTRs

Is it me? I dunno what's going on. I'm a good girl, I swear. Do I give out slutty vibes or something? Seriously why does this keep happening? Why does he have to be trifling? He was so cute! He was an HBCU GRAD! PERFECT! EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO WELL!!!

I had a similar situation with an "UE" man. He seemed like the kind of man I would like to be with. Of course, I let him chase me. I thought it was a good sign that he had asked me out on a Saturday night date. But then I googled him, and found out he had been married for a year before he started pursuing me. I wondered what would he tell his wife the reason was for his being out late on a Saturday night. Luckily, I didn't take him up on his offer. He did not wear a ring, and all indications said that he was single. That just goes to show that a lot of these men will step out on their wives in a heartbeat, and their wives will be none the wiser. I never thought I'd have to check to see if a man was married before going out with him, but I guess I do.

 

[MissJ]

Well, you are the constant in all the situations. I don't think it means you're slutty. With men who are already in relationship or married, it may mean that you give the vibe that you're down to be #2.

I don't know about that. If he thought she was down to be #2, he would have mentioned his wife.

 

[Theo]

Well, you are the constant in all the situations. I don't think it means you're slutty. With men who are already in relationship or married, it may mean that you give the vibe that you're down to be #2.

@Keen

Oh dear I hope not. That is not the type of vibe I want to be giving out . To my credit, as many times as its happened I've never engaged in such behavior. I'm not sure what signals I'm giving out that could be misinterpreted to that degree, but oh well. I've said that a guys poor behavior is not a reflection of the women, but the fact that I've been in this situation so often just made me wonder.

Is it possible that you may have just misinterpreted his signals? I am married and I am a very social person. It would not be unusual for me to be out with friends or a party with or without my husband until 3 am. I have friends who are male and my husband thinks nothing of me meeting them for activities and vice versa. My husband and I trust each other and we are both the kind of people who call and walk in the door when we say we will. To me it sounds like he was excited to meet someone who would be in the city he was moving to. Also, it wasn't like he was trying to hide the fact that he is married, it's right out there on FB for all to see. I think most single young women go through this with men. Partially because some men just can't help themselves when it comes to flirting. I also think it's true that older men are attracted to younger women because they have less baggage as well (meaning you won't call him on his crap like his wife does). As long as you have standards and let these men know you don't play that's all that counts.

sbfairy
No you're totally right. I could have misinterpreted things . I definitely get what you're saying, especially since I was pretty happy to meet someone who was moving the same time I was, and seemed pretty cool as well. I think I just assumed he was single cuz of his apparent age and the environment we were in at the time. Plus he seemed interested and he even had a friend who was winging for him. Or so I thought.

Thanks for the insight though, I don't know much about what's appropriate vs. inappropriate as far as married people's social lives are concerned.

 

[hopeful]

If my dh was out at 3am exchanging contact info with a young woman I would be pissed. Now if you were a professor or someone who knew the area really well, etc. but just a new "friend"? No way. But that's how dh and I are.

 

[ChasingBliss]

As I read the thread thanking along I'm thinking...

I dont know if it's the vibe you are putting out so much...Maybe it's just the fact that men are opportunists by nature, even/especially the trife life ones...they go along seeing what they can bag up and will eventually get the girl who says basically, "yeah, I'm down for whatever you're down for"...

 

[MissMasala5]

OP, you may have just met someone who is very polite and friendly and eager to network. And alcohol could have warped your perception just a bit. I wouldn't assume right off the bat that his interests are not safe unless he made that quite clear, and it doesn't seem like that's the case, especially since you said you "thought" you were flirting with one another. If he's a good connection to have on all other bases, keep him as such. Maybe he'll introduce you to some of his single friends and colleagues.

 

[Theo]

OP, you may have just met someone who is very polite and friendly and eager to network. And alcohol could have warped your perception just a bit. I wouldn't assume right off the bat that his interests are not safe unless he made that quite clear, and it doesn't seem like that's the case, especially since you said you "thought" you were flirting with one another. If he's a good connection to have on all other bases, keep him as such. Maybe he'll introduce you to some of his single friends and colleagues.

Yeah good point. My memories from the night are pretty hazy, I could have def misinterpreted things. Oh well, we'll see if he hits me up this week. I'm not going to pursue it too hard either way.

 

[Poohbear]

There's this guy I met a house party a few months back. He's a little older than me, late 20s. We found out we were going to be moving to Boston to attend the same school at around the same time so we exchanged numbers. Honestly, he really seemed to be into me. I thought we were flirting. Plus he complimented me a lot. Anyway, I told this new dude I would hit him up whenever I made it out here....put him in the back of mind until now.

I texted him earlier this week and he responded very enthusiastically, he seemed so nice! He said he couldn't meet up this wknd cuz he had a BLSA thing (he's in the law school), but that we should DEFINITELY meet up next week. I'm thinking to myself like okay cool this is nice, I got me a nice older friend with a lil' bit of money (he had nice job before going back to school) and he is a gentleman to boot! At least he seemed like it based off our interactions....

At the bolded parts, It looks like you went after him. He didn't chase after you. And you said you "thought we were flirting". Thinking that you were flirting is just that, a thought, not a reality. And even if you two were flirting, that does not mean he was hitting on you. I think he was trying to be nice by exchanging numbers for school purposes. I don't think he really wanted to "hook up" with you.

And did he really say you two should "DEFINITELY" meet up or is that your words? And the phrase "meeting up" is very vague terminology. Meeting up doesn't always mean "go on a date" or "hook up to have sex." To him, since he's a married man, he might think the meet up had something to do with school since y'all are about to go to the same school. He may have seen you as a new colleague or networking opportunity rather than a "hook up."

I don't know. This story just doesn't sound right.

 

[Theo]

At the bolded parts, It looks like you went after him. He didn't chase after you. And you said you "thought we were flirting". Thinking that you were flirting is just that, a thought, not a reality. And even if you two were flirting, that does not mean he was hitting on you. I think he was trying to be nice by exchanging numbers for school purposes. I don't think he really wanted to "hook up" with you.

And did he really say you two should "DEFINITELY" meet up or is that your words? And the phrase "meeting up" is very vague terminology. Meeting up doesn't always mean "go on a date" or "hook up to have sex." To him, since he's a married man, he might think the meet up had something to do with school since y'all are about to go to the same school. He may have seen you as a new colleague or networking opportunity rather than a "hook up."

I don't know. This story just doesn't sound right.

Hmm... Yeah if you dont think the story sounds right, I dont know what to tell you lol. I just stated it as it happened. And who said I was eventhinking about having sex? erplexed I wasn't even thinking about that. For what it's worth, he definitely did say that we should "DEFINITELY meet up" lol...in fact he said it twice. You're right... Meet up could mean anything.... Now that I think about it, I've actually been exchanging similar texts with another male friend of mine since I moved up here, he's a friend from undergrad and he's married to one of my good friends from undergrad. We're purely platonic, and I would have probably viewed this other guy in a similar sense had I known he was married when we first met

It seems like you and I have different idea of what it means to "go after someone".... I don't remember who decided that we should exchange numbers... Either way I sent ONE text, that was literally "Hey, whaddup, I'm here...." he pretty much took it from there.

And the meetup is def not school related, we're at the same university but completely different programs. He's in investment banking, I'm in medicine... Not much overlap there. But I realize those types of ppl are like obsessed with networking, so maybe it was in the back of his mind... Who knows.

Sorry for the long post, I just feel the need to defend myself cuz it feels like you're implying I'm reaching and I don't think I was. Usually I'm pretty good at picking up when a guy is interested. Like I said I was viewing the texts in the context within which we met.... Everyone knows there's more to flirting than just what is said...eye contact, body language, closeness etc.

 

[princessnad]

I smell a spinoff about the acceptable social habits of married people.

For my situation: I don't mind if my fiance is out until 3 or 4 am or if he exchanges numbers with people who he has something (school or work related) in common with and he thinks the same. I think a lot of it has to do with youth.

 

[imaccami]

Please. He mentioned that he was moving with his roommate, but not his wife? He knew what he was doing. I'm sure there was some point in the convo where he could've said we're looking for a place, or we can't wait to get there, or something else to let you know that he was married. Every married man that I've met who wasn't a cheater mentioned their wife really early in the convo.

I don't think it's you at all OP. You met a cheater, that's it and that's all. I suppose it's possible that he just wanted to make a new friend, but it's more likely, in my opinion, that he was hitting on you.

What sort of compliments was he giving you?

 

[Theo]

Please. He mentioned that he was moving with his roommate, but not his wife? He knew what he was doing. I'm sure there was some point in the convo where he could've said we're looking for a place, or we can't wait to get there, or something else to let you know that he was married. Every married man that I've met who wasn't a cheater mentioned their wife really early in the convo.

I don't think it's you at all OP. You met a cheater, that's it and that's all. I suppose it's possible that he just wanted to make a new friend, but it's more likely, in my opinion, that he was hitting on you.

What sort of compliments was he giving you?

LOL I really think he was hitting on me too. But I'm just going to give him the benefit of the doubt this time. Some guys are just friendly like that, right?

He said regular flirty stuff... like "oh you have a nice body, do you work out"... he teased me a lot, said things like.... "yeah you're corny, but you're cute tho"... he even stopped the conversation to say I had a pretty smile... the conversation was all over the place, he just dropped stuff here and there. And he was standing pretty close to me, kinda away from everything else.... man I dunno. erplexed

And I understand some people flirt just to see if they still got it, but a line needs to be drawn somewhere right? I mean, really, was I supposed to think otherwise?

You know, the conversation is coming back to me and I'm getting mad. I've had this happen before... actually it happened once at a party, with another law student. Except this time his GF was in attendance, the scumbag. There is one guy who is currently blowing up my phone, he was after me HARD back in Chicago, like I've never been pursued so persistently. He moved to NYC for residency in July. But has been really pressed to know if I made it out here yet. He wants to come visit me. I dunno why. I dunno where he thinks he's gonna stay. I avoid the topic the same way I've avoided his other advances over the last 6 months. He's had a girlfriend for the past 5 yrs and she lives nearby . why don't you go visit her? He tried to take me out so many times back home, and I never went out with him. And he never mentioned his GF to me. I found out through a friend. I ask him about her and he's just like "Yeah, she's good. She's fine. Working hard. So are you free this weekend?"

Its so weird. It just makes me very wary of men. Why would I want to date you if you're cheating on your gf with me? I'm not dumb. It also makes me upset because I feel like these men don't hold me in high enough esteem to respect the fact that I have morals and I'm not a floozy.

Sigh... I'm done.

 

[NaturalEnigma]

OP it sounds like he was flirting with you. There are men out there that are married, but try to hide their marital status from women. It happened to me twice. I learned that just because your flirting with me doesn't mean you're single, its sad but true. Now that I'm in my early twenties I have to realize that the older men (mid-to late twenties) I'm dating may be married. Its not like college where the guys are so young you can assume that they're not married. Now a days I ask men if they're married.

 

[Katherina]

LOL I really think he was hitting on me too. But I'm just going to give him the benefit of the doubt this time. Some guys are just friendly like that, right?


...

Its so weird. It just makes me very wary of men. Why would I want to date you if you're cheating on your gf with me? I'm not dumb. It also makes me upset because I feel like these men don't hold me in high enough esteem to respect the fact that I have morals and I'm not a floozy.

Sigh... I'm done.

@ blue: Please no.

Married men and men in "committed" relationships tend to hit on me as well, OP. I give off no "easy" vibes. I dress modestly. I do not talk about coloring or give suggestive hints.

At first it was very shocking. I went to my girlfriends for advice but I do not do that anymore because I don't want them thinking they need to hide their man from me. So now I ask 2-3 guy friends for their opinions. They're usually in agreement with my gut feeling that the dude has malicious intent.

I used to give men the benefit of the doubt, but that is not smart. I've ended up in some unpleasant situations due to the naivete of thinking a guy wanted to be "just friends" I wouldn't fall into the trap of assuming he's a good person just because you are a good person. Don't rationalize his behavior. @ green: Everybody isn't nice like you are. People don't have morals.

Be careful because some of the more conflicted men's guilty consciences will influence them to tell their wife/ gf that they almost cheated, and with YOU. Luckily, the two times this happened with me, the gfs were nice...

I'm sure you're a pretty girl with an upbeat, fun personality, and that's what attracts the men to you. They probably feel tied down or are just bad people, period. It's not your fault. Just cut him off and continue to live your life!

ETA:

You know, the conversation is coming back to me and I'm getting mad. I've had this happen before... actually it happened once at a party, with another law student. Except this time his GF was in attendance, the scumbag. There is one guy who is currently blowing up my phone, he was after me HARD back in Chicago, like I've never been pursued so persistently. He moved to NYC for residency in July. But has been really pressed to know if I made it out here yet. He wants to come visit me. I dunno why. I dunno where he thinks he's gonna stay. I avoid the topic the same way I've avoided his other advances over the last 6 months. He's had a girlfriend for the past 5 yrs and she lives nearby . why don't you go visit her? He tried to take me out so many times back home, and I never went out with him. And he never mentioned his GF to me. I found out through a friend. I ask him about her and he's just like "Yeah, she's good. She's fine. Working hard. So are you free this weekend?"

Cheaters are often upfront about having girlfriends or wives. They just say they won't cheat. Or they act like they won't cross a line. But they've already crossed it by inviting you out, flirting with you, letting you know that they find you attractive. They're liars. They persistently press toward that ONE moment... that one vulnerable moment when you just need a hug because you had a bad day.

I wouldn't advise avoiding the issue. Straight up, I ask him if he visits, compliments, or takes out his girlfriend or wife (whatever foolishness he's trying with you). And when he replies, I let him know that I wouldn't appreciate my bf/DH doing XYZ with another woman because it is disrespectful. Most guys will respect you and back off after that. Some of them are dense though. If he keeps trying, I would just ignore him. He will know why.

 

[moda]

At the bolded parts, It looks like you went after him. He didn't chase after you. And you said you "thought we were flirting". Thinking that you were flirting is just that, a thought, not a reality. And even if you two were flirting, that does not mean he was hitting on you. I think he was trying to be nice by exchanging numbers for school purposes. I don't think he really wanted to "hook up" with you.

And did he really say you two should "DEFINITELY" meet up or is that your words? And the phrase "meeting up" is very vague terminology. Meeting up doesn't always mean "go on a date" or "hook up to have sex." To him, since he's a married man, he might think the meet up had something to do with school since y'all are about to go to the same school. He may have seen you as a new colleague or networking opportunity rather than a "hook up."

I don't know. This story just doesn't sound right.

Poohbear you are right this story does not sound right yet I believe the man's side is the one that is not right.

Him being out at 3am is not an issue with me because both my husband and I go out at times. No married man should be out exchanging cell numbers with new women IMO. If he felt the need to network with her then he should have made it clear from the moment the conversation began that he was a married man. It is not ok for my husband to be out flirting with anyone. I know he is not blind and will still find someone attractive, but flirting is crossing the line.

Not too many married men are looking at a young attractive woman as a networking opportunity unless she is employed in upper management or HR where he is interested in working.