Marriage Proposal (Sort of)- Would You Accept?

[w332]

I don't know if you recall my story, but basically, the guy I was seeing made mistakes and I made mistakes in our relationship. I was too available to him, and he took me for granted. I pushed him for exclusivity, and he said we should remain friends. I said okay, and I stopped communicating with him. After a couple months, he was e-mailing and calling me, but I never responded. Then he started talking about how he really wants a second chance. I spoke to him for the first time in MANY months today. He said the time apart made him think about what I mean to him, and he would like to work towards marrying me. I was surprised and happy, because deep down, I love him inspite of everything.

But there are issues in this relationship that concern me:

1. There's a trust issue because I saw that his ex-girlfriend emails him and calls him. I'm sure she wouldn't do this if he didn't encourage it. He told me he didn't trust me fully because of our past, so that's why he talked to her- he wasn't putting all of his eggs into one basket in case I hurt him again. But, going forward, how would I know he wouldn't do this sort of thing again? How can I trust him?

2. There's a timing and distance issue. The relationship would be long distance for a while. He said he wants to work towards marriage, but he says it will take him 2 to 3 years to get the higher position he wants at his job to feel able to support a family well. Truthfully, due to the economy, he is right. In his field, it will take him a couple of years to move up. But goodness. TWO to THREE years??!! I'm in my early 30's with no kids, and I am on a timeline. He knows I want to be married within the next year or so. His suggestion is that we have a civil ceremony soon, start a family, and then in 2 to 3 years, he will be able to move us in with him because he will have a much better and more secure job.

As I said, I do love him. But I'm not sure I trust him- he's handsome and charming, and women are attracted to him, and he seems to like to stay in touch with exes which I HATE! And, I really don't want to wait 2 to 3 years even though I know if I want this man, I'd have no choice.

What would you do? Any suggestions on how to get past these hurdles? Is it possible to get past these hurdles- trust issues and long distance?

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Nevermind.

 

[RocStar]

That in no way, shape or form should be likened to a proposal.


To me words mean nothing, it is all about actions. I doubt I would take him back.

 

[w332]

To me words mean nothing, it is all about actions. I doubt I would take him back.

I told him I would think about it. He wanted to know when I will get back to him with an answer, and I told him to give me a few days to think this over. I'm not 100% sure I will take him back, but I am about 80% sure I want to. The other 20% has me up late worrying. I don't want to make a mistake. When I spoke to him today on the telephone for the first time in almost 3 months, he sounded very sincere. He kept saying how much he loves me, there is no one else for him, and he wants to work on our relationship and get married. I believe that part. I am almost 100% certain he will propose with a ring. My only concern is whether I can truly trust him not to hurt me, and whether I want to wait for 2 years to live together as a married couple.

So basically, would you trust a man like this, and would you wait 2 years? To me, 2 years is a lot, and I'm not sure I can trust him.

 

[w332]

I know this whole situation is not ideal. I just want to know if there is a way to manage it to my benefit? There is love here between two people, and so maybe there is some hope. I know this man is more than willing to try to make things work...it really feels like he will do ANYTHING I say to get me back.

 

[nlamr2013]

Im sorry he said he wants you all to get a civil ceremony (is that when you just go to the court house) have some kids then move yall in in some years? Dont you work too? Why not move in when yall have the ceremony? Will he not be helping to support his wife and kids?
Is he younger than you?

 

[nlamr2013]

In reference to op question I couldn't be with someone I dont trust. I dont even keep friends whom I can't trust to keep their word. Trust is huge to me.

 

[w332]

Im sorry he said he wants you all to get a civil ceremony (is that when you just go to the court house) have some kids then move yall in in some years? Dont you work too? Why not move in when yall have the ceremony? Will he not be helping to support his wife and kids?
Is he younger than you?

He's one year older than I am. He's a foreigner. He worked REALLY hard to get this job in his field in the U.S- but it's in a far away city. If I say yes, he'll work hard to move up and work to make sure we move in together in 2 years- he'll try to transfer to a city where we can both work. Also, we would have a church wedding later because that's what he really wants. He's trying to figure out a way to make a relationship work under these circumstances.

 

[w332]

In reference to op question I couldn't be with someone I dont trust. I dont even keep friends whom I can't trust to keep their word. Trust is huge to me.

Trust is huge to me too. I asked him about that. I said, "How do I know I can trust you?" He just said trust takes time, and we'd have to rebuild it over time.

 

[Adonia1987]

OP, what has this man done to prove to you that you should get back with him? From what I understand you spoke today for the first time in months, and he is talking about marriage? Let him prove himself to you, observe his actions and go from there.

I went back and read the OP. Were you two ever together?

 

[w332]

OP, what has this man done to prove to you that you should get back with him? From what I understand you spoke today for the first time in months, and he is talking about marriage? Let him prove himself to you, observe his actions and go from there.?

So far, he has declared his love for me and stated his intent to marry me. He mentioned that he planned to visit often if we get back together...he gave the excuse that he was under a lot of pressure at work and that's why he was distant and pushed me away. I will observe his actions and see what he does. He wants me to give him some sort of answer by the end of the week- I'm supposed to let him know if I want the relationship.

I went back and read the OP. Were you two ever together?

Yes, it's a long story. But to make it short, we were college sweethearts about a decade ago. I was engaged before, he was engaged before, and there was drama and hurt feelings and mistrust. Things ended, and now he's come back looking for a second chance.

 

[aunaturel.]

1. There's a trust issue because I saw that his ex-girlfriend emails him and calls him. I'm sure she wouldn't do this if he didn't encourage it. He told me he didn't trust me fully because of our past, so that's why he talked to her- he wasn't putting all of his eggs into one basket in case I hurt him again. But, going forward, how would I know he wouldn't do this sort of thing again? How can I trust him?

All I took from this is that he's gonna continue talking to his ex. He knows what he's capable of, which is why he says he can't trust you. He doesn't trust himself. Waiting on you to maybe 'slip up' so he can have a reason to run to her...he's keeping her close for a reason. That's just my 2 cents tho.

 

[w332]

OP, what has this man done to prove to you that you should get back with him? From what I understand you spoke today for the first time in months, and he is talking about marriage? Let him prove himself to you, observe his actions and go from there.

How do you make a man prove himself to you? How would I go about it? I think it's a great idea.

I was thinking, I could say, "You have the right to do what you want to do, but I will not feel comfortable going forward with you if you are communicating with your ex. Also, we would need to agree on a definite time for when long distance would end because I'm not comfortable with the idea of being in a long distance relationship since I want to spend time with my significant other on a regular basis."

If he can't stick to those guidelines, then I would leave forever.

 

[Adonia1987]

w332
Let him know that because of your history with him, you need more than promises before you go back to him. Observe how often he calls you, if he makes an effort to visit you, does he stay consistent with trying to win you back or does he become distant again.

From what i read in your other thread, I wouldn't give him a second chance, but if you do, don't let your feelings blind you.

 

[RocStar]

Based on what you have said and based on the fact that he is pressuring you to give him an answer I would say all signs point to no. Two years is a long time.

If he is not going to be ready for another two years and he is not near you, why not stay separated, do your own thing, and if the love and everything is still there in 2 years, then you might be in a better position to make a decision.

 

[w332]

@w332
Let him know that because of your history with him, you need more than promises before you go back to him. Observe how often he calls you, if he makes an effort to visit you, does he stay consistent with trying to win you back or does he become distant again.

From what i read in your other thread, I wouldn't give him a second chance, but if you do, don't let your feelings blind you.

Thank you! I'm having a hard time making up my mind, but I think if I do say yes, I will follow your advice.

 

[w332]

Based on what you have said and based on the fact that he is pressuring you to give him an answer I would say all signs point to no. Two years is a long time.

If he is not going to be ready for another two years and he is not near you, why not stay separated, do your own thing, and if the love and everything is still there in 2 years, then you might be in a better position to make a decision.

I see your point. This benefits him- he doesn't want me looking around and finding someone else. If he married me right away, I wouldn't see him a lot, and all he'd really be is a sometimes boyfriend.

Maybe we could remain "friends" and if he gets everything together, and I'm still available in 2 years, we can try again. It's almost laughable, because I don't in any way, shape, or form intend to be available in 2 years! That's not my plan. But if I did happen to be, we could try again.

 

[Rastafarai]

He is telling you he isn't ready for marriage now or within the year. You have a timeline. Homeboy isn't on that timeline. Go get yourself a man who can meet your timeline.

Even if things were rekindled now, I don't see this relationship going anywhere with the baggage of trust issues and contacting exes "just in case" things don't work out. That's a lie. He just wants to have options and I won't be surprised if he continues wanting to have options in a marriage.

 

[ladysaraii]

I see your point. This benefits him- he doesn't want me looking around and finding someone else. If he married me right away, I wouldn't see him a lot, and all he'd really be is a sometimes boyfriend.

Maybe we could remain "friends" and if he gets everything together, and I'm still available in 2 years, we can try again. It's almost laughable, because I don't in any way, shape, or form intend to be available in 2 years! That's not my plan. But if I did happen to be, we could try again.

1st bolded - yep!

2nd bolded - That's his problem not yours.

Now I'm not familiar with your background story, but there are several red flags. i wouldn't agree to this. You all still have issues to sort out. Please don't let your feelings overrule your good sense. i think you know there are problems with this, which is why you posted here.

I also have a problem with the fact that he wants to marry you now and start a family, but in the same breath, he says it's going to take him 2-3 years to be able to support a family. Well to me, that's a no brainer. If you can't afford it, don't have it. That goes for expensive gadgets and families. And along those lines, why does he want an answer so quickly? That concerns me

I'd hate to see you get in this situation, married with kids and then for some reason the job doesn't pan out or you break up, or some thing that keeps you apart and you are on your own supporting you and your kids.

If you do get back together, I agree with the advice above, don't marry him, just date and sit back and observe. I wouldn't tell him I was doing it, just watch. I would also continue to date others for a while, until you two have established some trust and a foundation. And watch his actions, not his words. Words are meaningless.

Sorry for the essay, I get long winded when I'm procrasinating.

 

[w332]

I'm feeling like this isn't the kind of man to marry. I'm thinking I will tell him we can be friends and just go date other men who can meet my needs right now and who I don't have issues with. I'd be an asset to him, but he'd be a liability to me, and he doesn't even offer all the things that come with having a relationship- seeing each other often and feeling secure with the person.

I'm thinking of sending him an e-mail (I don't want to talk to him on the phone because it will make it harder to say- but maybe I should?), and just say "Hi X, I thought about what you proposed, and based on our history and issues, I would like to remain friends."

And just ending it like that.

 

[LiftedUp]

As I said, I do love him. But I'm not sure I trust him- he's handsome and charming, and women are attracted to him

This is the only positive thing you mentioned about him in the entire post

What would you do?

I would let him go. He's offering me a long-distance marriage, single parenthood for at least 2-3 years and is telling me that he cannot afford a wife and children at the moment. Oh, and I'm unable to trust him. This is not the package that I'm looking for. Also, given that he's a foreigner, are you sure that he's not doing this for citizenship purposes? Because this situation is not benefiting you at all. All it's giving you is the title of Mrs. that he knows you want. Lastly, who's to say that in 2-3 years his projection will materialize?

I am almost 100% certain he will propose with a ring.

If he wanted to propose with a ring he would've.

All the best OP

 

[w332]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate your comments.

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

I have no advice other than you should read the thread about the woman who was with a guy for 25 years had two of his kids and they never married. He left her and immediately married someone else.

Actions speak.


Get married, have kids, then move in 2 years later. What in the world?!

 

[ms-gg]

hunny you do what is right for you...but don't take the marriage talk seriously until there is a ring on your finger.

 

[SmileyNY]

Tell him you plan on exploring your options until you get a ring or something solid. He should understand that you don't have time to gamble and play waiting games.

 

[w332]

Now I'm having second thoughts. I told him today I want to be friends. He said there was no need to make a snap decision and asked me to think about it some more- until the end of the week. He said to let my heart be my guide because we don't want to regret this. I thought, "Oh crap. I was letting my head be my guide because I didn't want my heart to make a dumb decision." What if he is right? When I got married out of college, it was based on what my parents wanted. And it ended in divorce.

 

[Foxglove]

Why is he trying to rush you into a decision? By the end of the week decide if you want to work towards marriage. That's something you decide after spending time together, not a snap decision you make a week after spending years apart

 

[w332]

Initially, I was the one asking him about marriage because we're in our 30's, and we were dating. I told him my goal was within one year to be married. I was always the one asking for a bigger commitment. Then, because I kept pushing, he told me maybe we should just be friends. I said okay, and we haven't spoken for months until now. Now, HE'S the one asking for marriage. I think it's because I recently relocated to a huge city (think New York City), and he's afraid I'll meet someone else.

 

[MzLady78]

Why is he trying to rush you into a decision? By the end of the week decide if you want to work towards marriage. That's something you decide after spending time together, not a snap decision you make a week after spending years apart

Trying to lock her down so she doesn't move on while he gets himself together. He knows damn well his isn't in any position to get married right now.

 

[spelmanlocks]

I think you should just date him for a while to see how things work out. What's the rush? It's a lot easier to get rid of a boyfriend than a husband, a lot cheaper too. A long distance marriage, plus he wants kids in that time, is really asking a lot. Babies are really hard work, just read any parenting board. Plus you both have trust issues. Doesn't sound good.