My cousin is with her high school sweetheart who is her husband. They are both 45 and have children together. We ran into one of her classmates who was just delighted to hear they were still together. She says that she gets that all the time when she runs into people who know them both. She is so quick to say, that people look at the years but have no idea the work that goes into being together for so long. I used to do the same thing with older couples who were still together. I would see them laughing and enjoying each other and be pleased with how long they had been together. I never thought of the work and components that go along with the longevity of marriage. It was not until I myself got married that I understood what goes into a marriage and continue to learn today.
Marriage And The Work
- Thread starter syze6
- Start date
qchelle
Well-Known Member
Yes. Which is why I don't understand congratulating long married couples lol. I just start imaging the BS that has been had by both parties and I'm like who really cares? All they're doing is tolerating and compromising and choosing to be happy so they won't kill themselves or each other 
"Congrats on 50yrs! Amazing " not really. Can you imagine the insane barbaric **** that has gone down in 50YEARS!? I can and thus, don't care.
"Congrats on 50yrs! Amazing " not really. Can you imagine the insane barbaric **** that has gone down in 50YEARS!?
I can and thus, don't care.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
But why do you think that? Why can't two reasonable people find love? I've been with my man going on 15 yrs and there has been no tolerating or compromising, no insane barbaric ish. Is that so unimaginable? The 'work' that married people talk about don't necessarily have to be big ish, like 'break babies' or gambling, it could be something as simple as finally convincing him to clean up after himself .Yes. Which is why I don't understand congratulating long married couples lol. I just start imaging the BS that has been had by both parties and I'm like who really cares? All they're doing is tolerating and compromising and choosing to be happy so they won't kill themselves or each other
"Congrats on 50yrs! Amazing " not really. Can you imagine the insane barbaric **** that has gone down in 50YEARS!?
(I'm starting to get the impression that young women are choosing to believe that everybody is in effed up relationships. That is not true.)
Holla
Well-Known Member
Ummm...my folks have been married for a helluva long time and I *know* there is no craziness. I hear my other friends talk about how their parents put up with ish, had issues, etc. and my folks ain't got all that going on. For long as I can remember, they have been truly compatible and happy. They have had minor arguments over politics, religious theories, etc. but not about anything that affects them personally. They interact better than some folks who are dating and barely been together 1/100th of the time my parents been married.
Folks STAY thinking other people are in crazy marriages/relationships and it's just not true.
I guess misery loves company so folks imagine others are miserable too. *shrug*
Folks STAY thinking other people are in crazy marriages/relationships and it's just not true.
I guess misery loves company so folks imagine others are miserable too. *shrug*
Mai Tai
Miss Nigeria-America
Or that their partner should be 100% ready made and should not need room to grow, change, or adjust.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
If you talk to older women, they will tell you the real. I think these young girls got the wrong idea, no woman has ever had it that easy. They don't come out the box pre-fab.
qchelle
Well-Known Member
I wasnt thinking of your average 'effed up relationship with break babies and addiction problems'. No, I was referencing normal happy couples who don't have glaring incompatibility issues.
The idea of ebbing and flowing in any context, even a miniscule one, doesn't elicit a 'congratulations' from me. It's just. ....oh, so you're living your life. Ok. You didn't do anything special, imo.
Ohhh yes, and growing with someone my god. I mean 20, 30, 50yrs of not only growing yourself but being intimately involved in another person's growing process has got to be. ..a mind phuck
I just meant its not all roses. And since it's not all roses, why the congratulations when you occasionally deal with ****? Everybody deals with **** in their lives. You're not special lol.
Mai Tai
Miss Nigeria-America
EXACTLY!
Even my own Dad, who has a healthy almost 35 year marriage to my mom says that while he's a good man, it was my mom that "humanized" him and gave him a heart.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
Wow! And I thought I was cynical! 
Yes. Which is why I don't understand congratulating long married couples lol. I just start imaging the BS that has been had by both parties and I'm like who really cares? All they're doing is tolerating and compromising and choosing to be happy so they won't kill themselves or each other
"Congrats on 50yrs! Amazing " not really. Can you imagine the insane barbaric **** that has gone down in 50YEARS!?
qchelle
Well-Known Member
Ay man, look. If you got to 'humanize' somebody (clawd), you definitely not getting a congratulations from me
maybe a "good for you" lol(Girl in jokin, no shade lol)
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
I think she probably meant more like 'domesticate' him.Ay man, look. If you got to 'humanize' somebody (clawd), you definitely not getting a congratulations from me
(Girl in jokin, no shade lol)
sunnieb
Well-Known Member
Preach! I used to say this all the time!
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
I don't agree. I do agree that 'misery loves company', but I think it's more like, 'misery' surrounds itself with an amen corner, so all they ever hear is the same thing back and forth. Dissenting opinion is not tolerated. So they don't actually *know* that things can be, and are, different.
Holla
Well-Known Member
Same difference. The people saying amen are miserable too otherwise they would not say amen. At best, non-miserable folks would suggest alternatives to misery; at worst, they would be silent.
tuffCOOKiE
Well-Known Member
@Honey Bee What is the name of the thread?
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
Marriage is work, but it doesn't have to be dreadful work. It took me years to get DH to be more liberal in some of his views. I enjoyed letting him figure out why he needed to change.
Some people are miserable in their relationships though.
DH helped a friend work on the AC in his car and afterward the guy wanted to drink a beer. DH took the beer and came home.
His friend asked if he liked being home with his wife THAT much to not even hang out to have a beer.
Umm. Yeah. Instead of hanging out with his friend (single, serial cheater) he wanted to come home where he finished the laundry and had some baked salmon.
Some people are miserable in their relationships though.
DH helped a friend work on the AC in his car and afterward the guy wanted to drink a beer. DH took the beer and came home.
His friend asked if he liked being home with his wife THAT much to not even hang out to have a beer.
Umm. Yeah. Instead of hanging out with his friend (single, serial cheater) he wanted to come home where he finished the laundry and had some baked salmon.
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Mai Tai
Miss Nigeria-America
Ay man, look. If you got to 'humanize' somebody (clawd), you definitely not getting a congratulations from me
(Girl in jokin, no shade lol)
Those were his exact words. I mean he wasn't a brute or anything but always tells us that my mom made him a more caring and empathetic man. I've only been married for a little over the year and my husband already tells me that if it wasn't for me, he'd be like "F-CK everybody!" He says I always see the good in people which rubs off on him because outside of kids and the elderly, he wouldn't give a damn about anybody.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
"Married ladies or those in ltr's..."
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
Sounding like my man's twin.
Daughter
UK Blak
Exactly, working hard at a marriage/relationship is different from the marriage/relationship being hard work IMO.
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Evolving78
Well-Known Member
That's the issue. And that's where the work comes in. Folks don't want to put in the work. It's a lot of change and balance that has to be made with self. A lot of people don't want to change.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I think humanize was the right word! Lol someone that is more intune with people, feelings, having empathy, etc...
yardyspice
Well-Known Member
This is sad
My husband and I have been together for 14 years and in a few weeks, we'll have been married for 11 years. It has not been easy every step of the way but we are committed to being together for a long time so we work hard to make our marriage, and our home, a happy one.
IMO a good, make that great, marriage is more than possible if you "choose wisely and treat kindly". Choosing wisely takes time and discernment. Treating kindly means you have to think about your partner's needs and assume that he only means the best for you. This is where things get tricky. For most people, including myself, it's so easy to get adversarial instead of remembering that you both have the same end goal in mind. It's easy to forget in the heat of the moment to look at the situation from your partner's POV.
This is why I hardly ever discuss my marriage and when I do, it's with people who care about my husband e.g. my sister considers my husband her brother so she's not going to take my side if we are having a disagreement. I try to do the same thing for my friends so I'm the one who looks at things from the husband's POV even if I'm getting cussed
LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
I'm not signing up for work. I make no apologies. Yes I agree with compromising, bending over backwards sometimes etc. as with any relationship. However, if I have to wake up every morning thinking that I have to work on my marriage or relationship, nah.
I'm all about live and be happy. If we can't live and be happy then it's not the relationship for me.
I'm all about live and be happy. If we can't live and be happy then it's not the relationship for me.
I hear you. I am very much a 'life is not meant to be hard' kinda of gal. But, I don't know if two people can combine their lives without some
adjusting and work for the both of them. He has changed me in as many ways as I have changed him. That is why who one marries and entering into marriage under the right circumstances is important.
Family is sick and I am on the east coast alone visiting this week and my insomnia is worse than normal not having him here. I can't imagine life with anyone else.
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
And I can say with my current ongoing experience...that is no easy feat but the results are pretty damn wonderful....as they happen.
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