Man Up?

[PopLife]

So, I was listening to Steve Harvey this morning on the way to work. A man called into the show who has been married for two years and has a 19 month year old baby. He said that he has been really frustrated in his marriage because of the financial burden of him being the only one working. Apparently his wife was laid off after she had the baby and broke her arm not too long after that.

Now that the wife's arm is healed and the baby is older he feels like she should go back to work to help contribute to the household. The wife doesn't want to go back to work and this has been causing conflict in the household.

Steve's advice was basically for him to man up and find a way to provide more money for his household.

What are your thoughts? Do you think the husband needs to stop complaining and "man up" or do you think the wife is being selfish by refusing to go back to work when she is able-bodied?

 

[Fine 4s]

Any change in contract is ground for dismissal.
Did he know ahead of time she didn't believe in a woman working? If so, his fault, man up. Otherwise, selfish. There's got to be more to this though...

 

[kandake]

My response to this is dependent on a few factors.

What's her education level and skill set? How much money can she earn? How much will daycare cost? Do they have family to care for the child? Cause if her paycheck/salary is spent on daycare costs it's not worth it.

 

[julzinha]

My response to this is dependent on a few factors. What's her education level and skill set? How much money can she earn? How much will daycare cost? Do they have family to care for the child? Cause if her paycheck/salary is spent on daycare costs it's not worth it.

Even if it is, it still helps relieve the burden. He needs to tell his wife to get a job. Eventually, it will have an extreme negative impact on their marriage. Marriage is about communication and compromise, the wife is just selfish for not wanting to contribute to your own household.

 

[Layluh]

As someone who hates having a job I agree with what Steve said. I actually think it's wiser for women to have their own business rather than a job though.

He shouldn't have gotten married if he can't support a wife in whatever she wants to do.

 

[TayMac]

There's not enough information. What type of lifestyle are they living, how much debt do they have, what are their earning capacities?

 

[hopeful]

Yes, not enough information.

 

[PopLife]

He didn't go into details of their financial situation or exactly why the wife refused to go back to work... but he made it seem like they are really struggling financially. I was kind of surprised by Steve's advice without getting more details...

 

[missjanelleb]

My Bestie's husband told her she didn't have to work... BUT all her extras would end if she doesn't and she would have to be cool with that. The extras and reasons follow:

1: Getting her hair done- won't be needed because she's not working and would have time to do it herself
2: Clothes, purses and shoes- wont need new items as she would mainly be at home, so monthly shopping would stop
3: nails- not necessary for a stay at home mom
4: Cadillac- would have to trade it in for something without a payment. ( he gets her a new one evey couple years)
5: Eating out: she's home, all meals should be homecooked unless its a special occasion

There were a few more that elude me right now, but it makes sense to me... She's still working because she likes her lifestyle.. but if men put it in these terms, most women will choose to work.

 

[LiftedUp]

It would depend on the amount of debt they have and the lifestyle that they enjoy. However, if they can afford it and live comfortably and she's keeping up the house and taking care of their child, I don't see the issue.

My Bestie's husband told her she didn't have to work... BUT all her extras would end if she doesn't and she would have to be cool with that. The extras and reasons follow:

1: Getting her hair done- won't be needed because she's not working and would have time to do it herself
2: Clothes, purses and shoes- wont need new items as she would mainly be at home, so monthly shopping would stop
3: nails- not necessary for a stay at home mom
4: Cadillac- would have to trade it in for something without a payment. ( he gets her a new one evey couple years)
5: Eating out: she's home, all meals should be homecooked unless its a special occasion

There were a few more that elude me right now, but it makes sense to me... She's still working because she likes her lifestyle.. but if men put it in these terms, most women will choose to work.

I would be very hurt if my husband told me this. It rubs me the wrong way. I could understand if they says, babe we will need to make a couple of lifestyle changes e.g. doing your nails yourself, going to the hairdresser once per month etc. and I would wait longer before I switch out cars, take a packed lunch to work etc. because we would have to reallocate money etc.

 

[Kimbosheart]

I'm a little surprised by the responses tbh. I don't see the issue with Steve's advice at all.

 

[SuchaLady]

Too much other stuff to consider. I need more details.

 

[biznesswmn]

My Bestie's husband told her she didn't have to work... BUT all her extras would end if she doesn't and she would have to be cool with that. The extras and reasons follow: 1: Getting her hair done- won't be needed because she's not working and would have time to do it herself 2: Clothes, purses and shoes- wont need new items as she would mainly be at home, so monthly shopping would stop 3: nails- not necessary for a stay at home mom 4: Cadillac- would have to trade it in for something without a payment. ( he gets her a new one evey couple years) 5: Eating out: she's home, all meals should be homecooked unless its a special occasion There were a few more that elude me right now, but it makes sense to me... She's still working because she likes her lifestyle.. but if men put it in these terms, most women will choose to work.

I get this example-
As her husb he is responsible for her needs. Wants are nice but if he cannot, she can do somethg to get what she wants. If at some point he can get what she wants thats a bonus.

I dont think its fair to him to hav to work himself crazy so she can have things that arent necessary. He shldnt have them either, if money is tight like that

In the OP situation, if she is aware of a financial bind she shld b willg to cut expenses and/or help him by gettg a lil part time somthg. It may be temporary til they get caught up, then she can go back to sahm status. I only see him upset if she is spendg unnecessarily.

 

[laCriolla]

Any change in contract is ground for dismissal. Did he know ahead of time she didn't believe in a woman working? If so, his fault, man up. Otherwise, selfish. There's got to be more to this though...

What? The "contract" is for better or worse, richer or poorer...

No marriage stays the same over the duration.

 

[ladysaraii]

It would depend on the amount of debt they have and the lifestyle that they enjoy. However, if they can afford it and live comfortably and she's keeping up the house and taking care of their child, I don't see the issue.

I would be very hurt if my husband told me this. It rubs me the wrong way. I could understand if they says, babe we will need to make a couple of lifestyle changes e.g. doing your nails yourself, going to the hairdresser once per month etc. and I would wait longer before I switch out cars, take a packed lunch to work etc. because we would have to reallocate money etc.

Thank you. I thought I was the only one who didn't like that. It was basically bullying get into working. Now I completely get not working someone to the bone for non essentials and cutting back where needed, but the way that was phrased was....special

 

[CoilyFields]

It rubs me the wrong way for any husband to expect his wife to work. But then again I'm more traditional in that I believe working should always be an OPTION for the wife.

The husband does need to man up, unless there is a DIRE need and the output from her working (after you take out daycare costs) would sufficiently address that.

There are more detail needed to determine if the wife is being unreasonable or the husband. Because truly if I was a SAHM and my DH asked me so urgently to work its likely that I would for a while. Did they even discuss this before marriage?

 

[Kimbosheart]

I get this example-
As her husb he is responsible for her needs. Wants are nice but if he cannot, she can do somethg to get what she wants. If at some point he can get what she wants thats a bonus.

I dont think its fair to him to hav to work himself crazy so she can have things that arent necessary. He shldnt have them either, if money is tight like that

In the OP situation, if she is aware of a financial bind she shld b willg to cut expenses and/or help him by gettg a lil part time somthg. It may be temporary til they get caught up, then she can go back to sahm status. I only see him upset if she is spendg unnecessarily.

I hate to quote a study I can't post but I read somewhere that in households where both spouses are working it still falls disproportionately on the woman to take care of the home and children. Plus if the child gets sick it is almost always the mother that will call in while the husband stays at work. Which isn't very fair, either.

That said, all this could've been discussed up front. But that still doesn't change this person's current situation. He needs to "man up" and take care of the wife and child he currently has. IMO.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I'm with Steve.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I have a friend who is a SAHM with 3 kids and two friends who are married to SAHD's. Every household is different. Without more details it's hard to give an opinion.

 

[TayMac]

I think being a SAHM or wife is great but for their situation it doesn't seem that this was their plan nor can he accommodate it. Are bills going unpaid, do they have 2 car notes, credit card debt? There are so many variables.

Plans change and life happens but we don't know what they were working with to begin with. Is he an accountant, lawyer, manager at Target, car salesman, auto mechanic. Does he have the ability to just "make more money?" They should know the type of person they married.

It seems if not for getting laid off, she would have continued to work.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

You really can't predict how you're going to feel once your child is born. I just knew I was going to pop out a kid and rush back to work, but mentally and physically I just couldn't do it. That's how it goes sometimes and you have to make the adjustment.

 

[julzinha]

I'm just trying to understand why some of you don't see this as selfish?

We are not in a day and age where a two income household doesn't make a significant difference for a family and their present and future. Most men AND women cannot support an entire household themselves on a single income and expect to thrive with rising inflation. He probably wrote in because the financial strain is difficult, he's probably considering what if he gets laid off how is the family going to survive? Can they plan for their future on his income alone?

I'm sorry, but any woman that can watch her husband struggle financially while you sit at home is a sorry excuse for a woman.

 

[PopLife]

I think being a SAHM or wife is great but for their situation it doesn't seem that this was their plan nor can he accommodate it. Are bills going unpaid, do they have 2 car notes, credit card debt? There are so many variables.

Plans change and life happens but we don't know what they were working with to begin with. Is he an accountant, lawyer, manager at Target, car salesman, auto mechanic. Does he have the ability to just "make more money?" They should know the type of person they married.

It seems if not for getting laid off, she would have continued to work.

He said he's a truck driver. Steve asked him if there was anything he was passionate about doing and he said that he always wanted to be a welder. So, Steve told him to pursue that passion to make more money for his family or get a second job.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

She got laid off, had a baby, and broke her arm ... let the woman lick her wounds for awhile. Geez. That's a lot. We don't know if bills are going unpaid. He may just feel alone cause she's not working and spending more time with the baby. We don't know.

 

[Naveah2050]

I'm a little surprised by the responses tbh. I don't see the issue with Steve's advice at all.

Yeah - I mean if you are struggling, your struggling - the wife should go back to work if it's the difference between keeping a roof on their heads and food on the table.

 

[Naveah2050]

I also find it laughable anyone would take financial advice from Steve Harvey - the same man that had a $20 MILLION Tax lien against him which he kept hidden while wooing his younger wife??! No thanks I will pass

 

[Naveah2050]

I'm just trying to understand why some of you don't see this as selfish? We are not in a day and age where a two income household doesn't make a significant difference for a family and their present and future. Most men AND women cannot support an entire household themselves on a single income and expect to thrive with rising inflation. He probably wrote in because the financial strain is difficult, he's probably considering what if he gets laid off how is the family going to survive? Can they plan for their future on his income alone? I'm sorry, but any woman that can watch her husband struggle financially while you sit at home is a sorry excuse for a woman.

I am just looking on cause I refuse to believe that in the midst of a messed up economy like this anyone would really question why a low paid trucker, whose skillset is clearly limited would expect his wife to work.

 

[LiftedUp]

I'm just trying to understand why some of you don't see this as selfish?

Because I value the work of a SAHM as "real" work. Once they can afford it. I'm ok with him picking up an extra job or starting his own side business to supplement the family income.

If she was home doing absolutely nothing and he was out working his butt off and have to come home and do the same, I would feel differently.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Also, I wonder if she has been looking but unable to place a job. She may not be telling him, if that's the case.

 

[Layluh]

I am just looking on cause I refuse to believe that in the midst of a messed up economy like this anyone would really question why a low paid trucker, whose skillset is clearly limited would expect his wife to work.

I'm not into coddling grown dudes anymore. I support the ability to figure stuff out. It works in ANY economy and in EVERY circumstance. It seems from what the op said he needs to focus on himself and develop his passion of welding.

The more he focuses on her and what she is or isn't doing, the more miserable he's gonna become. I suspect there are deeper issues that probably have nothing to do with this surface topic.