Make the first move - then play hard to get

[Bublin]

This is what someone told me.

Alot of guys are just to shy to make the first move because of fear of rejection etc so she said we should make the first move - just go up and start small talk. If he's not interested you'll know almost instantly.

I then asked her, 'What about the theory that men need to chase a woman?'

She said, once you have his attention you then play hard to get. Switch it up immediately and his chase begins.

Tell him you are dating someone, tell him you are a very busy person and you don't know when you'll beable to meet up, after you give him your number make sure you don't pick up the first time he rings, when you do pick up keep the conversation short - because you are just about to get on the train or you are busy at work......you get the picture.

She says it works every time because if you want to wait for a guy to notice you or approach you then you will be old and grey before that happens.

She has dated alot of guys. Now she is married and this is how she snagged her man. Her husband told her he would never have had the courage to approach her and is obviously glad she did.

 

[poetist]

I guess that can work and have actually also heard "success" stories from married couples. But I DO NOT like shy, wimpy guys. I mean, man up already.

 

[Bunny77]

She says it works every time because if you want to wait for a guy to notice you or approach you then you will be old and grey before that happens.

I completely disagree with this. Men who want to approach do so. I think this shyness thing is a bunch of crap... men aren't too shy to go after pretty much everything else they want, but suddenly they're too shy to talk to a woman?

I think we make too many excuses for men. I've never had a problem getting a man to approach me, and I'm far from old and gray!

I'm glad your friend did what worked for her, but like Poetist said, I don't like shy, wimpy guys. If you can't approach me, then you aren't the man for me and I won't even waste my time thinking about how to approach you.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I completely disagree with this. Men who want to approach do so. I think this shyness thing is a bunch of crap... men aren't too shy to go after pretty much everything else they want, but suddenly they're too shy to talk to a woman?

I think we make too many excuses for men. I've never had a problem getting a man to approach me, and I'm far from old and gray!

I'm glad your friend did what worked for her, but like Poetist said, I don't like shy, wimpy guys. If you can't approach me, then you aren't the man for me and I won't even waste my time thinking about how to approach you.

PREACH! I've tried the whole...approach him, he might be shy...thing only to be embarrassed. It works for some, but not for me. Men have testosterone. Male animals fight and compete over females, yet men seem to want us to approach them. No. If you want me enough, you'll pursue me.

 

[Bunny77]

PREACH! I've tried the whole...approach him, he might be shy...thing only to be embarrassed. It works for some, but not for me. Men have testosterone. Male animals fight and compete over females, yet men seem to want us to approach them. No. If you want me enough, you'll pursue me.

Girl, I've done it too... then watched those "shy" guys pursue another woman that they really wanted.

Pretty much every woman I know in a good relationship had the man approach her. I know there are some exceptions, but I truly believe they are exceptions and shouldn't be taken as the rule!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Girl, I've done it too... then watched those "shy" guys pursue another woman that they really wanted.

Pretty much every woman I know in a good relationship had the man approach her. I know there are some exceptions, but I truly believe they are exceptions and shouldn't be taken as the rule!

I know! That brings back some bad memories.

When I'm feeling a guy, but I see he's not taking the opportunity to get to know me. I think of the guys who pursued me like animals, but I just wasn't feeling them.

Honestly, I've had a guy run across a street to "holla" at me. Sounds crazy, but a man who wants you will do it!

 

[SleepyJean]

I'm learning from the masters.

I typically do this (sometimes by mistake). It really works.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

ive dated a few shy guys and you could tell they were shy when they first asked me out one (who turned out to be a very gr8 bf) was practically behind a rosebush fiddling with the leaves incessantly n was barely audible when he asked me to go out with him i had to say 'what did you say?' twice so i also dont buy this whole shy guy thing if hes too shy to ask me out then he wont do well as my bf ..too weak

im not saying women shouldnt approach men by all means do your thing ma, but dnt do it cause you think u have to cause he is too shy

 

[Bublin]

Why do i feel so amateurish at this whole guy-girl thing?

I feel like someone gives me good advice then someone tells me the opposite.

Look smiley and approachable and be chatty - no - you gotta look and act like a bi*ch.

Personally i have never approached a guy - which is down to my own shyness. With me its like guys look and stare and are itching to talk to me but never do. The ones that do approach are the 'nothing to lose' types - you know very short, ugly, no job, 100 kids, players.........

I just don't know anymore.

 

[poetist]

Why do i feel so amateurish at this whole guy-girl thing?

I feel like someone gives me good advice then someone tells me the opposite.

Look smiley and approachable and be chatty - no - you gotta look and act like a bi*ch.

Personally i have never approached a guy - which is down to my own shyness. With me its like guys look and stare and are itching to talk to me but never do. The ones that do approach are the 'nothing to lose' types - you know very short, ugly, no job, 100 kids, players.........

I just don't know anymore.

Awww, I feel your pain. I think you should do what comes natural to YOU. I had a friend who had noooo problems approaching a guy. I felt like I should try it, because she always seemed to have a repetoire or men. But thats not me. Im too shy and in my heart, I feel like if a guy is interested in me and soooooooo afraid of rejection that instead of approaching me, he would rather not meet me...then we dont need to be together. THats not my man. I like for a man to make me feel like a woman - like he would go to the ends of the earth just for me. I have had men approach me when I was with several of my girlfriends. To me, there are few things sexier than a man who knows he may be embarrased or rejected by me, but still has the confidence to pursue. That's hot.

I also dont subscribe to the whole "be a bia bia" philosphy. In my experience, men dont like rude, self centered women. Maybe some do, but, again, thats not me. I have been known to have a smart mouth at times and to be adamant about what I want an need, but at the end of the day, when someone asks my husband why he chose me, I SERIOUSLY doubt that he says, "cuz she's a b@*#&tch." It's because when he met me, I was sweet, I listened to him, we had great covo, our families were similar, we talked on the phone every chance we could get, I looked good, I smelled good, i was independent, I was passionate about life, I loved Jesus, I had a great relationship with my family, etc, etc. Basically, we were compatible. So if I had been trying to follow all these "rules" that didnt ring true with me or that werent part of who I really was, then I'd be attracting someone who was compatible with the "rule" and not with me....if that makes sense. Just be yourself. Be friendly and smile and all that good stuff and just let the man be the man. If God created you as a shy young woman, the man that he created for you will not require you to pursue him. Believe that.

 

[poetist]

Why do i feel so amateurish at this whole guy-girl thing?

I feel like someone gives me good advice then someone tells me the opposite.

Look smiley and approachable and be chatty - no - you gotta look and act like a bi*ch.

Personally i have never approached a guy - which is down to my own shyness. With me its like guys look and stare and are itching to talk to me but never do. .

In this case, I might be inclined to help the guy out. I, personally wouldnt start up a convo, but I might smile, say hello and walk in his direction (like if youre at a party or bookstores or something, you can walk in his direction to maybe get to the bathroom or get to another aisle...he doesnt have to know where you're going.) The point is, he now knows youre friendly and approachable and walking in his direction, usually gives him all he needs to chat you up. If not, just keep stepping.

 

[Bunny77]

Why do i feel so amateurish at this whole guy-girl thing?

I feel like someone gives me good advice then someone tells me the opposite.

Look smiley and approachable and be chatty - no - you gotta look and act like a bi*ch.

Personally i have never approached a guy - which is down to my own shyness. With me its like guys look and stare and are itching to talk to me but never do. The ones that do approach are the 'nothing to lose' types - you know very short, ugly, no job, 100 kids, players.........

I just don't know anymore.

Don't feel amateurish!

I think the problem is that we get so much advice that we start questioning our gut instincts and what we think is right... then we get all confused.

I find that I'm making much better decisions and getting much better results from following my own rules and my own instincts -- other people want me to cut a man too much slack for my taste, and whenever I do that, I get hurt. Usually because said man shouldn't be cut any slack in the first place!

I agree with everything Poetist is saying. If you personally want to approach a man, then go for it. But don't do it because people (almost ALWAYS women) say that this is how it is nowadays and that men are shy and that if you don't approach, you'll never have a man because some other woman will snatch him up.

I say that's a scare tactic, and NOT a good way to approach your dating life.

Flirting is fine, striking up a conversation first is fine... but there's only so much I feel that a woman needs to do to let a guy know it's okay to talk to her. Men aren't babies... let them do some work after that.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I completely disagree with this. Men who want to approach do so. I think this shyness thing is a bunch of crap... men aren't too shy to go after pretty much everything else they want, but suddenly they're too shy to talk to a woman?

I think we make too many excuses for men. I've never had a problem getting a man to approach me, and I'm far from old and gray!

I'm glad your friend did what worked for her, but like Poetist said, I don't like shy, wimpy guys. If you can't approach me, then you aren't the man for me and I won't even waste my time thinking about how to approach you.

The end!

 

[esoterica]

Don't do it bublin. The last thing you want is a whimp that didn't even have enough balls to walk up to you. Never do anything out of fear no matter how tempting it is, men can always tell. It's not always easy, but just be approachable and a real man will eventually come your way.

 

[Theo]

I don't that being shy makes anyone less of a man. First of all, many of the men who have the "balls" to approach me are sorry excuses for men. Its just that aggression and arrogance are more acceptable masculine traits, while shyness and quietness are more acceptable in women. Personally, I think that it would be good for more men to put a little more thought into their actions.

I was talking to my friend the other day and was complaining about the men that I have dated have all had similar faults. The problem was not that I was initially attracted to any of these men, but these were the men who were attracted to me. We decided that if maybe I took a little more initiative in reference to my love life and went after people who I could see myself having a successful relationship, I might have better luck. WE GIVE THESE MEN TOO MUCH POWER, LADIES!!!I think taking a more active role in the mate selection process would be good for us, rather than sitting around waiting for Prince Charming or Mr. Good Black Man to come sweep us off our feet.

But don't completely emasculate the man, tho....

 

[Bunny77]

Freelove, I don't think anyone is saying that being shy makes someone less of a man.

I'm saying that being shy shouldn't be an excuse for why they can't approach. I have met many shy men who found a way to approach the women who became their future girlfriends and even wives... they might have done things a little differently, but they made the first move.

Also, by approach, I don't mean just some random person coming up to you on the street saying, "Hey shawty...." I'm talking about the guy in your class who you talk to every day and flirt with, and yet he does nothing.

Or the guy who you met online who wants to talk to you all the time and yet, never asks you out on a date.

That's my broad definition of "approach." And in those cases, the shy men who were worth a darn did eventually ask the women they liked out on dates... I figure I'm worth that much.

Plus, I think when women say "He might be shy," we're really making excuses for them. Maybe they aren't approaching because they're just not interested in you? Or maybe they aren't worth **** anyway and think they should have women coming up to them, and that's why they don't make a move.

In those cases, that's not shyness at all, and I don't think women need to put themselves out there like that when that is something I believe is part of a man's nature.

I think we give men too much power when we approach THEM not the other way around. There are ways to take control of our dating lives that doesn't involve sitting and waiting for Prince Charming, but approaching men shouldn't be one of them, in my opinion.

 

[esoterica]

Well said Bunny77. I don't see how doing a man's job for him shows a woman's power. All it shows is that she probably got sick of waiting for someone to approach her and decided to go and get somebody herself. Also, IME if a decent looking woman approaches a man, he will almost never turn her down. And when that happens, she will never know what his true feelings were to begin with. Not to mention the fact that he probably won't appreciate her like he may have done otherwise.

 

[Theo]

Oooops... Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!!! J/k.


Yeah, I see what you're saying, Bunny. Some of us just need it broken down a lil' bit more, I guess.

Personally, I turn down most guys who approach me... both at school and at work... for various reasons, but I'm sure they'd make another woman happy, just not me. So me taking a more active role in my love life is not a move made out of desperation, more out of curiosity. I want to see if the play I'm getting is really representative of what is out there, or am I just not meeting the right people.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Well I guess that's sort of what I do. If I see someone I like I may make eye contact and smile. But he has to take it from there. I'm not going to walk up to him and say what's up. If he has good conversation then we can move forward from there but he has to ask me for my number.

Now the old me would call him first if I felt like talking. Now if he calls fine if he does not fine. If he calls and we talk if will be brief and very infrequent. I don't care how much I like them I've learned my lesson from lover boy.

 

[Bunny77]

Well I guess that's sort of what I do. If I see someone I like I may make eye contact and smile. But he has to take it from there.

That's cool. I do that too!

 

[Bunny77]

Oooops... Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!!! J/k.


Yeah, I see what you're saying, Bunny. Some of us just need it broken down a lil' bit more, I guess.

Personally, I turn down most guys who approach me... both at school and at work... for various reasons, but I'm sure they'd make another woman happy, just not me. So me taking a more active role in my love life is not a move made out of desperation, more out of curiosity. I want to see if the play I'm getting is really representative of what is out there, or am I just not meeting the right people.

No worries!

And I'm like you in that I hate how most guys who approach me make the approach... I actually prefer a shy guy! Well, maybe not shy, but reserved... someone who seems like he's talking to me because he really likes ME and isn't trying to get the number of every woman he meets!

I just feel that I've been there, done that, with trying to ask men out on dates or giving them my number and telling them to call me and all that... I went through a period in which I tried that and it never worked.

And everyone was like, "oh, maybe he's just shy." Naw, they weren't shy... we'd be kickin' it and before I knew it, they'd tell me they had a girlfriend! What???

It helped though that as I got older, I finally started meeting some mature people who actually talked to me and asked me out without me having to do anything! It's hard to meet a good crop of men when you're in college, it seems.

 

[Valerie]

I completely disagree with this. Men who want to approach do so. I think this shyness thing is a bunch of crap... men aren't too shy to go after pretty much everything else they want, but suddenly they're too shy to talk to a woman?

I think we make too many excuses for men. I've never had a problem getting a man to approach me, and I'm far from old and gray!

I'm glad your friend did what worked for her, but like Poetist said, I don't like shy, wimpy guys. If you can't approach me, then you aren't the man for me and I won't even waste my time thinking about how to approach you.

LADIES YOU ARE SO RIGHT!

 

[aqualung]

She has dated alot of guys. Now she is married and this is how she snagged her man. Her husband told her he would never have had the courage to approach her and is obviously glad she did.

Likely alternative explanation: she's hot. She's pretty. she's pretty hot.

 

[Bublin]

Likely alternative explanation: she's hot. She's pretty. she's pretty hot.

Actually she's not - well imo anyway.

 

[Bublin]

No worries!

And I'm like you in that I hate how most guys who approach me make the approach... I actually prefer a shy guy! Well, maybe not shy, but reserved... someone who seems like he's talking to me because he really likes ME and isn't trying to get the number of every woman he meets!

I just feel that I've been there, done that, with trying to ask men out on dates or giving them my number and telling them to call me and all that... I went through a period in which I tried that and it never worked.

And everyone was like, "oh, maybe he's just shy." Naw, they weren't shy... we'd be kickin' it and before I knew it, they'd tell me they had a girlfriend! What???

It helped though that as I got older, I finally started meeting some mature people who actually talked to me and asked me out without me having to do anything! It's hard to meet a good crop of men when you're in college, it seems.

I guess i took the girls advice on board because i have never been through the 'i'll approach him first stage'.
I simply believe a guy should be making the first move.

Have you noticed its always married women that advice you 'to go ahead and make the first move - afterall its 2008'. Yet 9 times out of 10 their husbands made the first move on them.

 

[Bunny77]

Have you noticed its always married women that advice you 'to go ahead and make the first move - afterall its 2008'. Yet 9 times out of 10 their husbands made the first move on them.

YES! My mom was one and she was the main one saying, "It's a new day."

So I asked her if she ever had to make a move on a man in her life and she was like, "Well, I don't remember." (I.E. No... but she can never admit to me that she's wrong!!!)

Actually, Lauren450 gave a good explanation of this on a thread in the Christian forum. She is married and advised one of her single friends to make the first move, but realized later on that she was wrong. She said she knew that she wanted her single friend to find a good man soon but she was having trouble, so Lauren gave her that advice to sort of push her toward getting out of her single state.

Later though, she knew that was bad advice because she said her husband pursued her and she wouldn't have accepted it any other way.

I think they mean well and want to help, but it's kinda confusing when they're giving advice that's contrary to how many of them ended up married!

 

[Bublin]

Yes Bunny (i love your name as it's my Dads lifelong nickname) i feel you on that.

And you hear guys saying that too...why don't women make the first move but when a woman does, they say she must be desperate etc.