Major Set Back: Need Support

[notsomebody]

I am still so mad that I could scream and Ijust don't know what to do. My parents came to visit me this weekend. My mother and I have always had kind of an iffy relationship at best. Well, yesterday I relaxed my hair. I added a little bit of EVOO to my motions. My hair came out under processed, but I wrapped it (with a ponytail at the crown) and got under the dryer and it came out straight enough that I can manage until its time to relax again (I will probably only go 6 weeks as opposed to my normal 8). Well, my parents came over to see the new house and for the first time it seemed that my mother and I were having a civil conversation. She remarked on how nice my hair looked and how surprised she was to see how long it had gotten. I told her that I was just about to give myself a trim when they got there that was the only reason I had it down. She volunteered to trim it for me. I was so surprised- my mother has not laid a finger on my hair since I was 11 years old. I thought we were getting to a better place in our relationship.
I don't know if it was spite or jealousy or just unintentional, but she (this is so hard to even type I have tears in my eyes thinking about it). She took a section and cut 3.5 inches off of it before I could stop her. She said that it looked like it was damaged and that she would even it up so don't worry.
I grabbed the scissors from her. We got into a huge argument. My poor father sat there with my fiance not knowing what do.I had just reached my first goal with this last relaxer and was at bra strap. At first I thought I could hide the section that she cut. So I re-wrapped it and tied it up. I didn't have the heart to look at it until this morning.

Well, I looked at this morning and the section is right smack in the middle of my back so there is no hiding it. I had no choice but to cut the rest to even it up. Now I am barely to the middle of my shoulder blades. Why would she do this to me? I know we have never really gotten along, but she knows how important my hair is to me. She knows that I have want to have waistelength for my wedding in October of next year and its like she purposefully wanted to hurt me. I feel like I have to start completely over. I just don't know if I can do this again. This is the most frustrating experience I have had so far. I keep trying to tell myself that I am over reacting that this is just hair. It will grow back, but Its so upsetting.

Please any help you can give would be appreciated.

 

[Supergirl]

My Dear,

I know how this must be getting to you because just reading it, it sounds like something out of a fiction novel. Not only is your hair a concern, but you sound like you really believe this was done spitefully by your own mother and I know that must make the pain double.

You still have almost a year until your wedding. Here are some questions for you:

1) How many inches between the ends of your hair and your waist?

2) What is your current growth rate?
3) If your hair was "almost" waist length at your wedding, would you still be happy?

Here is something I have always done in my experiences with scissor happy stylists: I then look at it as an opportunity to begin again and have even HEALTHIER HAIR! I mean, you could realistically make it a goal of yours to keep those fresh ends super-healthy and not have to trim until after your wedding.

Respond soon. We're going to get you smiling again. Okay, chin up /images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[henrilou]

OH. First I am sending you some mental support. (I actually stopped typing and focused on it.) No. You are not over-reacting. You have a right to be angry and over-whelmed. Yes, I think maybe mom (unconciously perhaps) sabotaged you and that was the intent.
You can handle this. Yes it was wrong and it is a set-back. But you have time to reach your goal. You know what to do.
Please do something (not hair-related) to soothe yourself--shopping? A project for the new house. Fiance gives you a nice massage? Anything to get your strength back up. (Obviously keep mom at a safe distance.) When your ready you can talk to your mom and she should apologize (God, what was she thinking???...) But really, this isn't the end, and this too shall pass (promise.)

 

[notsomebody]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
1) How many inches between the ends of your hair and your waist?

[/ QUOTE ]

I think its a little over a foot.
</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
What is your current growth rate?

[/ QUOTE ]

At least an inch per month sometimes more depending on how much msm and biotin I taked.


</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
If your hair was "almost" waist length at your wedding, would you still be happy

[/ QUOTE ]

At this point I would be happy if my hair were any where near what it was the day before yesterday by the time my wedding got here. Her saying that it looked damage is what is hurting me the most right now. I have had to fight for a very long time to keep my ends healthy. They were shiny when she cut them - no splits (I examined the hair that she cut and then examined the rest after I had to even it up this morning). That's what leads me to believe it was on purpose. My hair has never been in the shape it was in before.

I will take your advice and use this as a means to keep them even healthier. Its just that I have been working so hard and to have it taken away in a matter of seconds.

 

[notsomebody]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
A project for the new house. Fiance gives you a nice massage? Anything to get your strength back up. (Obviously keep mom at a safe distance.)

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, we were supposed to paint the kitchen today. And this is the night when my fiance would normally give me a scalp massage. I really feel ridiculous because I have been crying about this all morning. I mean I am a grown woman who owns a home has a good job and a fiance who loves me very much and my mother still has the ability to make me cry like a 2 year old. YOu are right I really need to find a way to stop thinking about this.

You guys are so great. I thank you so much.

 

[keylargo]

that's so horrible. /images/graemlins/mad.gif i don't know your mother, but many people-even beauticians- do not know how to cut hair. she probably did not realize how much she was cutting. i can't imagine her doing that to you on purpose.
regardless, the damage has been done. i feel so bad for you. hopefully your fiance is being very supportive and providing you with comfort and reassurance. sometimes we have to put everything in perspective and be thankful for all of the wonderful things we do have and not focus on the things we've lost. you have a man that loves you enough to marry you, a beautiful new home, and a healthy head of hair. you also have the power to make your hair grow as long as you want it to grow be it bra-strap length or waiste length. just don't let anyone else touch your hair unless you have lots of confidence in them. i hope that makes you feel a little better.

i had a beautician put a relaxer in my hair that was too strong and made my hair fall out. it was a slow and painful experiance to watch my hair slowly shed. i was never able to save it. she tried to hide the damage by forcing me to wear fingerwaves. people don't wear fingerwaves anymore. i think she realized that i knew about the damage she caused when i stopped going to her. /images/graemlins/mad.gif

 

[pebbles]

Hi Notsomebody,

You have every right to be upset. I would have been fit to be tied! /images/graemlins/mad.gif Maybe she didn't really know she was cutting too much off. I'm saying this to help you calm down, though as I re-read your post I can understand why you would feel she was being spitefull. I can only imagine how hurt you must feel, but cheer-up sis. You still have time to reach your goal, or very close too it. Don't think of this as a set back. (easier said than done, I'll agree.)
Don't let this episode discourage you. No matter what, you will reach your hair goal, come hell or high water and that's a fact! /images/graemlins/smile.gif Please be happy, don't let this get you down. Hugs to you!!! /images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[brownrelaxedhair]

I am so sorry to hear what your Mum did to your hair. That is a horrible thing to do to someone who's obviously serious about maintaining hair length. Like the others have said, use this as an opportunity to grow your hair again even healthier than before.

You've seen the hair she cut and how the ends were healthy. You know what dosages you need to take to get at least an inch of re-growth per month.

So just stick with your current hair program which is obviously working very very well for you, take your supps, pamper your hair from root to tip and marvel at how it starts to grow longer again. It is hair and it always grows back thank God.

Keep us posted every now and then on how its going. You sound like you have wonderful hair that grows at a fantastic rate. And you have time.

You are so right to feel awful right now but you can now turn this situation around.

 

[notsomebody]

Does anyone know if there are some more vitamins I can add to my regimen to help speed up the process?

Right now I take:
1 centrum
2 ultranourish hair
4000mg of msm
100mg of biotin
500mg of EPO

Is there anything I can add? Or maybe increase dosages of what I am already taking? I just need to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[pebbles]

Notsomebody,

Add a vitamin B to your regime and increase the biotin. My biotin daily intake is at 6360 mcg's between the ultranourish tablets, the centrum and the 2 capsules of 2500 mcg's each of biotin. Also, try adding some zinc, 50 mg to your regime. HTH /images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[henrilou]

Your vitamin regimen is fine. What you need is time and every minute that gets you futher away from yesterday is going to help. (meaning that tomorrow and the day after you'll feel better and more able to cope.)
And as far as crying--who wouldn't?? Who wouldn't be devastated like this? Go ahead and cry. But then take a deep breath and move foward.

 

[Guest]

First of all I'm sending you a "cyber-hug" (you need it, girl!) I am so sad that you went thru this drama w/your mother. I am going thru a remotely similar situation, I just had a major cut. It took me from brastrap to shoulder, so in that respect, we're in the same boat. My goal is waist so I know what a setback this is. I wouldn't change anything about your vitamin regimen but just continue doing the things you were. Lesson # 1, do not allow anyone to come close to your hair that you do not trust with your life, especially with a pair of scissors. I'm sorry she did this to you, and I don't want to believe it was out of spite, I certainly hope not.
I'm feeling your pain though, let's keep eachother updated in the months ahead with our progress and growth. I know we can support eachother thru the grow out blues. Keep your head up, Sweetheart. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[brownrelaxedhair]

I agree with Pebbles about increasing your biotin dosage. I've seen some take a good 5000 mcg of it! I take 3,000 (plus the GNC which has some). Also, definitely keep up the MSM. These two alone seem to be key hair growing supps.

WOuld you consider adding a protein shake too? I'm considering doing this myself actually since there's one around the house that my b/f takes. Hair IS protein so its perfect 'food' for it. That combined with the increased dosages plus your usual hair care regime will have you seeing re-growth really soon I'm sure. I first heard about the protein thing from the Bargello plan and there are some girls on the board taking it too.

 

[kasey]

Hi there!

I hope that you are feeling better.

Sometimes family members do and say wierd things to each other. I met up with my extended family in the Carribean recently and was wearing my 8-10 inch natural mane in a free style. My mom asked me if I had a weave because "everybody knows that your hair isn't that long."

I have never worn weaves, and I didn't consider 8 inches of length to be a big deal in terms of hair length, so I don't know why she would make such a negative comment. I just let the words go from one ear and out the other because sometimes your family can be your harshest critics.

I agree with the other girls. Take this time to enjoy your hair and don't concentrate so much on inches. Do something to take your mind off of the hair cut. Throw away the hair that you had to cut. Try to think about other kinds of styles you can achieve for your wedding just in case it is a few inches shy of your goal. Renew your efforts to keep your hair strong and healthy. By next spring I am sure that you'll have regained those few inches. And look on the bright side, it could have been worse.

Just one question, before your mom cut the three inch section, did you guys talk about how much you wanted to cut it?

 

[JerseyGirl]

I feel your pain. But you have a year until your wedding. Hair is like a pot of boiling water. You ever notice when you look at a pot of boiling water it take so long to boil, while hair is the same way. If you focus on your hair too much it will take a long time to grow.

Since you are getting marry next year, focus on other things like the wedding, exercising to make sure your body is slamming for that wedding dress, your skin to make sure it is glowing. I'm not saying not to focus on your hair but in time it will be the length you want it.

One of my close friends never was able to achieve her hair length until recently. I knew her for years. Her hair never seem to grow. But last year (2001) she found a hair stylist who she continues to go to and her hair is flowing. But I realize (after the help of this board) what she is doing differently. She exercises on her treadmill 3 to 5 times a week for 30 minutes. She eats six small meals a day (every meal has a vegetable). Drinks 8 glasses of water and takes Centrum and a Pre-Natal vitamin daily. In one year she lost 30 pounds not only is her body slamming but the glow in her skin and hair is remarkable. Her hair is bra strap length (she has never had hair only up to the nape of her neck and the condition was horrible). Everyone asks her if she has a weave. She told me she never really focused on her hair until one day when her husband said "Wow look how long your hair is". You see she didn't focus too much on her hair and it just started to grow (with the help of the vitamins and exercise schedule she was doing). So you see, patience and focusing on other things will help your hair grow back. You will make a beautiful bride. Make sure you look forward and not back. Keep your head up and your eyes open. No one else can make your dreams (hair and wedding) come true but you. It's not what you do but how you do it.

 

[adrienne0914]

sorry to hear about your setback. i can't tell you why ANYONE (let alone someone's own mother) would cut more hair than you want cut, but it happens more than we want to admit. i don't blame you for crying. as much time and money as we invest in our hair, of course it's upsetting enough to cry all morning about it. i wanna shed a tear for you!!! /images/graemlins/frown.gif

i agree with the person that said to look at it as an opportunity to start anew. sometimes a fresh cut is just what we need... usually by choice, of course. /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

if you're getting over 1" a month sometimes, you're lucky!! you should have no problem getting close to your goal by your wedding!! /images/graemlins/smile.gif

adrienne

 

[pebbles]

Notsomebody,

I just want to point something out to you. Notice how fast the support has been coming in to you since you made this post? Let it be a testimony to the fact that you have 100% backup from all of us on this board. I've been sitting here watching how fast the replies have been pouring in from your cry for support and it really warms my heart. (not to sound corny) Cheer up girl! You have "family" that does support you; all of us here on the board!! Much love and peace, Pebbles. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[Supergirl]

An inch a month? DANG GIRL, THAT'S GOOD!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so you've got approximately 11 months between now and your wedding. That's 11 inches of growth--if we can keep your current ends healthy and from having to be trimmed until like the day after that, then we're back in business. If it's one foot to your waist then you're THERE!

By the way, what in the heck are you doing to get an inch a month?

Also, it's okay to be a grown woman and cry about your hair being but. I did many a day when a scissor happy stylist chopped it off and those ladies that had hair loss from RIO cried too. So--it IS okay.

 

[Kitkat]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry that this happened. I can only hope that your mother did not intentionally cut your hair, knowing how important it is to you. Just keep doing what you're doing and stick to your regimen. Even if your hair is not exactly waist length when you want it to be, I'm sure it will be beautiful. And you WILL get to your goal!!

By the way, are you sure you're taking 100 mg of biotin? In addition to the biotin in Ultra Nourishair, I take 5 mg, which is the equivalent of 5,000 mcg (I think!!). If you are correct, this means you're taking 10,000 mcg of biotin. I didn't know that it was sold in that strength.

Please keep us posted. No one likes to lose length, especially when your hair was coming along so nicely. Use this setback to make you even more driven to meet your goal. Please know that everyone here is reaching out to you with BIG HUGS!!

 

[daviine]

I am so sorry for what happened to you. As you can see you have a lot of support here on the board and I want you to know that I'm also here for you.

No matter what length your hair is, I know you will be a beautiful bride and have a blessed wedding day. I must admit I am a little jealous about the house though-----but whatever--YOU GO GIRL (or should I say you GROW girl!)-----We're all here for you!!!

love...daviine

 

[notsomebody]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
Just one question, before your mom cut the three inch section, did you guys talk about how much you wanted to cut it?


[/ QUOTE ]

I told her that I was just going to do a light dusting and that The most I would ever take off would be a quarter of an inch. I told her that if she saw any splits to show them to me before she cut so that I could show her exactly where I wanted her to cut it. I had already sectioned my hair into 6 sections going straight back along the scalp. She picked up one of the sections in the middle and just arbitrarily cut it. I happened to look down as it was hitting the floor. That's when I took the scissors from her and the arguing started because she said I was rude to snatch them out of her hand like that. I told her that if I were at a salon and someone did that, I would have done the same to them. That's when it really got ugly.

I want to thank everyone who has responded to my posts. I have never had such an outpouring of support so quickly. I truly feel blessed and special. I am going to take your advice and start focusing on my upcoming wedding, and getting my house in order. I have been going to yoga 2 times a week, I think I will start doing the practices at home a couple of times a week in addition to the classes. I do have a lot in my life to be grateful for and I will try to think of that everytime I start to get down about it.
I will also increase my dosage of biotin and add zinc to my regimen. My fiance does body building so I will check out his cabinet for ideas about protein shakes. Thank you guys so much. I don't know what I would do without this board. You are all truly heaven sent.

Caramella: I have noticed from your pictures that our hair seems to be of a very similar type. Maybe, since you are going through a similar situation right now, we can be "hair buddies". I think you and I had very similar regimens over the summer and had really good results from it. Maybe we can keep each other encouraged.

I really appreciate you guys. Its nice to know that I am not just being a silly drama queen about this (those were my mother's words). I guess this means another two years will pass before I see her again. They are checking out of their hotel now and will probably be coming by to say good bye in a little while. I'm not sure what's going to happen. But, I feel great knowing I have a truly supportive family here.

 

[notsomebody]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
By the way, are you sure you're taking 100 mg of biotin? In addition to the biotin in Ultra Nourishair, I take 5 mg, which is the equivalent of 5,000 mcg (I think!!). If you are correct, this means you're taking 10,000 mcg of biotin. I didn't know that it was sold in that strength.

[/ QUOTE ]
That was a typo. I meant 1000mCgs of biotin not 1000mgs.
But I am going to try upping that to 5mgs and see what comes of it.

 

[miss_a]

I know this is a trying ordeal for you--you, your relationship w/ your mama, and your hair are ALL in my thoughts and prayers.

And as you can already see--this board is behind you 100%.

A.

 

[ms_kenesha]

I am so SORRY this happened to you. I know how mothers can be mine is a real trip as well. You'll reach your hair goal in not time with your inch a month. And even if it's an inch or two away from your goal I know you'll still be beautiful on you wedding day! /images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[MSCHICHI]

notsomebody


I don't want to be redundant, but when I saw this post, I felt I had to write. I have known you since LHL, and remember your goals.

I am terribly sorry at what happened. The saddest thing is that your if your mother really knew what she was doing, she wouldn't have done that. I say that knowing that she more than likely did it on purpose.

Our relationships with other people are defined by our experiences with them, and the way they treat us. The people we are closest to have the power to hurt us the most. When someone violates something precious to us-our well-being, body---your hair---especially when they know what is most precious to us---we lose trust in them.

What may have been a fleeting thought in her mind-which transpired into cutting your lovely hair- resulted not only in the loss of your hair but further damaged what sounded like an already strained relationship. I know you wanted to believe the best in her at that moment. What could have been a good turning point with her ended not very well.

The only thing that I can say is to reinterate what another poster said-use this as a way to set some new goals and do something positive with it. Everything happens for a reason, and although you may not know what it is now, I am certain that something positive can come from this.

I am going to go out on a limb and say maybe it took something this devastating to focus very sharply on your relationship with your mother. As with your hair, have you been able to re-adjust to the new situation with your mother and set some new goals about where you want to be with her in the next year? As childish as it may seem, maybe she was looking for your attention from you, even bad attention. Forgive me if I am totally off, I just wanted to offer a suggestion.

I don't think you were acting like a drama queen at all. I don't cry that often, but I would have boo-hooed like a big ole baby if that happened to me-later that is. I think you handled the situation right after it happened much better than most people would have.

On a lighter note, I think it is fabulous that you are getting up to an inch- I would love to be getting that much growth, and I am taking notes from you. A year from now, your hair will be even better than it was before. I pray that this will be the case in all things. Congratulations on your impending nuptials! /images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[Tracy]

Notsomebody -

Well as it's easy to see - we all feel your pain and are here for you. I doubt anyone could understand as well as the ladies here how much your hair means to you and how much it matters when someone does something to set us back...

The advice you got so far was stellar - so there's not much to add - except maybe - do something extra nice for yourself in another area that matters to you. Taking this action will make you feel extra proactive about your appearance - which can help minimize some of your disappointment. Get a massage or a mani/pedi and then pull out your favorite shampoo conditioner, oil and moisturizers etc. and baby your hair. Just doing those things will make you feel tons better. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

I'm praying for your relationship with your Mom. That sounds like it runs deeper than hair....and I can relate to that as well. /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

We're here for you girl! /images/graemlins/wink.gif

 

[HOTCHOCOLATE]

I just wanted to give my support. I know this is hard for you, but I feel you need to forgive your Mother, whether it was intentional or unintentional. You and your Mother may never have the type of relationship you want---accept that and love and respect her anyway----just RUN, GIRL RUN, the next time she has scissors in her hand /images/graemlins/tongue.gif.

I feel that you should keep the hair that was cut not as a reminder of an ugly act committed against you but to create something beautiful out of it. I don't know, maybe mix it with rose petals and spread it across the bed and recommit your love with your man---just a thought /images/graemlins/grin.gif

Give yourself a BIG huge from me

 

[Honey Vibe]

I'm so sorry nsb. Pray; I'm sure God would like to speak with you about the incident as well.

 

[skyye]

Not Somebody,

My heart truly goes out to you. As everyone else said, just focus on maintaining your hair's health and re-growing it and you'll be just fine. I had a similar experience years ago. I was still in high school at the time and I had just grown my hair out of a very short haircut. At this time in my life, I wasn't taking particularly good care of my hair, but it was healthy and it grew really fast. I grew out a cut that was very short, tapered in the back and about 2 inches on top out to almost mid back length in less than a year. My spiteful aunt, who is only 3 years older than me and a beautician offered to relax and trim my hair for me. We've never really gotten along, but I always trusted the girl to do my hair and she always did it well. Well she relaxed my hair and she was cutting. I didn't pay attention to how much she was cutting, though it seemed excessive. I had been growing the hair out by wearing micro-braids, and there were alot of split ends, so I knew it needed a serious trim. By the time this
evil girl was done, I had hair just below my ears and that is only because I stopped to see just what she was doing. I am not as even tempered as you appear to be, because I beat her like she stole something and tried to stab her with her scissors. Luckily my sister was there to stop me from stabbing her, but my sister jumped in and we beat her up very badly. I cried for so long, but eventually I had to look at it as, it's just hair and eventually I regrew it.

Recently on a whim I had my stylist chop off 3 inches of hair. It was about 4 inches away from bra strap and for some odd reason my bra strap is very far down my back(closer to my waist than my upper back). I had made so much progress with my hair in the last year. One week it just got to be too much to deal with so I just told her to cut off at least 3 inches. After the fact, I was so upset. I just continued my regimen and it's slowly but surely growing back. It's growing very fast and hopefully by some time early next year, I'll get those 3 inches plus some. You will have you long, beautiful hair back in no time and it will be even healthier than before.
I would recommend taking a higher mcg of biotin. I take 5000 mcg's daily and it has sped up my growth tremendously. You can also massage vitamin e straight from the capsules into the scalp. I use 400 i.u. and it makes my hair grow like crazy, I just don't have the patience to do it as often as I like. At least your mom didn't cut off more than she did, that's the good thing about the situation. Just do what you've been doing and you'll get the results that you've always gotten and before long, you won't even remember you had a minor setback.

 

[sweetcocoa]

I am so sorry to read about what happened to you. I read all the previous posts and the ladies have some good advice. I think the fact that your Mother and you don't really get along had something to do with it. But you can take this as a lesson. After all mothers are human too and I think there is a little jealousy thing going on here(it's not the first time this has happened and it won't be the last). So you stop focusing on what she did and get back on track with your hair. You'll make it...I have faith in you.