Love The One Who Loves You

[beverly]

This is a very interesting thread. @ Thiends I totally agree with everything you said. But for me, what you say rings very true based upon my life experiences personally. I've tried to be not so superficial and consider the ones that I said he is such a great guy and good friend. But after a while you take for granted that good friend. Its hard to stay around for the long haul if you dont have that chemistry. I am not talking about 'butterflies'. I'm talking love+mutual respect + moral & values+ attraction = chemistry. Having that chemistry I feel will greatly increase your chance of having a long lasting relationship that will beat the 50% divorce rate.

 

[Vinyl]

With me it really depends... I've been in a few relationships like this and I usually opt to give it time because it takes awhile for my feelings to grow. I don't care much about chemistry, all I care about is "could I love this person?" in some cases it grows, in others it doesn't. I couldn't be with someone long-term if there wasn't a hint that I would have feelings for him. I'd end up getting jealous of other couples who were clearly in love, etc and I'd feel resentful.

 

[Aviah]

I wouldn't want that. I'm an all or nothing type of person. Especially love. I enjoy giving a lot of love to SO as well as being loved by him. If it wasn't around the same "level" I'd feel bad and think someone could love him better, and I'd feel wrong for my whole heart not being in it.

 

[Thiends]

This is a very interesting thread. @ Thiends I totally agree with everything you said. But for me, what you say rings very true based upon my life experiences personally. I've tried to be not so superficial and consider the ones that I said he is such a great guy and good friend. But after a while you take for granted that good friend. Its hard to stay around for the long haul if you dont have that chemistry. I am not talking about 'butterflies'. I'm talking love+mutual respect + moral & values+ attraction = chemistry. Having that chemistry I feel will greatly increase your chance of having a long lasting relationship that will beat the 50% divorce rate.

@beverly: You know exactly what I mean by chemistry. It's not the same as butterflies, but it's more than just liking your good friend. I do feel chemistry will make the difference on the day that fellow has gotten on a girl's last nerve. There's a difference between "I can't stand him right now, but he's a good friend" and "I can't stand him right now, but no one makes me feel the way he does."

Deep in my gut, I feel that accepting the guy I feel no chemistry with will address the short term fear of not finding anyone, but sets me up for major longterm problems. I don't want to be 40+ with a divorce under my belt and back to square one (maybe with an angry ex-husband gunning for me ).

 

[MissMasala5]

@beverly: You know exactly what I mean by chemistry. It's not the same as butterflies, but it's more than just liking your good friend. I do feel chemistry will make the difference on the day that fellow has gotten on a girl's last nerve. There's a difference between "I can't stand him right now, but he's a good friend" and "I can't stand him right now, but no one makes me feel the way he does."

Deep in my gut, I feel that accepting the guy I feel no chemistry with will address the short term fear of not finding anyone, but sets me up for major longterm problems. I don't want to be 40+ with a divorce under my belt and back to square one (maybe with an angry ex-husband gunning for me ).

I read this and had to chuckle. A lot of the things that DH does that get on my nerves, I found cute once upon a time

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Thiends no matter if you marry the love of your life or the man who your head is telling you to get with, if he is not you, he will get on your nerves. That goes for ANYBODY who is not you.

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

I don't know anymore. No matter how much chemistry or how attractive you find someone if they're not compatible with you, they'll gradually get less attractive till maybe there's nothing left....

 

[MissMasala5]

I don't know anymore. No matter how much chemistry or how attractive you find someone if they're not compatible with you, they'll gradually get less attractive till maybe there's nothing left....

And likewise, one could grow to love the one they married for practical reasons over time. This has been the case with my older sis and her husband (arranged marriage, married 30+ years).

 

[Ladybelle]

^^ wow! @MissMasala5 was your marriage arranged too?

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

I wish I had somebody to arrange my children to.

 

[Thiends]

@Thiends no matter if you marry the love of your life or the man who your head is telling you to get with, if he is not you, he will get on your nerves. That goes for ANYBODY who is not you.

~Sparklingflame~: I'm confused - The point in bold is basically what I wrote to Beverly. Did you think I meant something else?

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

~Sparklingflame~: I'm confused - The point in bold is basically what I wrote to Beverly. Did you think I meant something else?

No I was just saying.

 

[MissMasala5]

^^ wow! @MissMasala5 was your marriage arranged too?

No, not mine Just my two older half-sibs.


My DH wouldn't have stood a chance if that were the case

 

[Nefertiti0906]

Playing Devil's advocate:

Does that mean that just because a guy isn't initially head over hills about you mean that he can't grow in love with you over time?

I know we always talk about men knowing very early on but can that possibly apply to all guys (seems like a huge generalization). Any examples of this type of situation?

ITA. In my situation, early on I could tell that my SO was more into me than I was into him (by the things he would say and some of his actions) but I was like . Eventually my feelings for him grew tremendously so it can happen

ETA: Ooops I misread the original quote but I'll still leave my response

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

Nope, never mind.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Deep in my gut, I feel that accepting the guy I feel no chemistry with will address the short term fear of not finding anyone, but sets me up for major longterm problems.

This is how I feel about it. If you never felt that "in love" feeling (with some of the "butterfly" effect with your husband, it can set you up for problems.

Just ask Anna Karenina. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE417ZtnWu8&feature=related

 

[Imani]

@rabs77: I think every woman who is about something will eventually be in this position, if she stays single past age 20 or so. I have been in the position to settle down with several men who were crazy about me, but who I just wasn't feeling like that. I totally understand what you mean about being resentful because in each case, seeing how these men looked at me made me very resentful that I hadn't found someone to inspire that kind of feeling in me.

I guess this thread also ties into the question of: What is the point of marriage to you? Would you be content marrying just for companionship? Would you be content marrying just for children? Would you be content marrying just to improve your standard of living? Would you be content marrying just to be able to say that you, too, have someone and to not have to face the stigma associated with being unmarried at an older age?

For me, marriage is pointless if the person I am with is not that special someone. If I am never again allowed to have sex with another person and must always consider this person in all of my decisions, then the person I am doing all of that for has to be truly special to my heart. Otherwise, I will grow resentful at making such sacrifices for someone who I don't care about more than I do my friends, for instance. Also, the secret fear is always in my heart when I am with someone I feel just ok about:

What if I meet the person with whom I do feel incredible chemistry and shared values, goals, and everything else?

I would feel honor-bound to remain in the marriage and let that person of my dreams go, but I am not sure that I could do that without being embittered in the process and extremely resentful of the person I had married. I am not sure that taking the risk that I will not find the right one is worse than setting myself up to be in the painful, terrible position of having found the love of my life who isn't my husband.

I feel the exact same way as the 3rd paragraph.

I was never that little girl who grew up wanting to be married w/children. I know for a fact its going to take someone extra special for me to ever be married. And if I never meet that person, I will never be married, period.

 

[Guitarhero]

All I know is that A.......o C....o didn't get the chance even though, 5 years after graduation and we met up again in grad school, he expressed the very same lurve. It was like old friends and he was absolutely crazy about me, always was and I didn't love him as much. Looking back, he was the "one" but I was not ready for that type of commitment. If I had met up with him 4 years post again...I'd have married him over the other one, I'm pretty sure.

 

[maginethat]

I was taught to marry someone with whom I could make/build a life. My mother recognizes that my desires and the men I'm attracted to often "cater to my flesh" and this is so not good. What my mom says makes sense, however.

The older I get, the more my experiences have taught me that chemistry is fleeting (depending on the man) as another poster commented . I've been in relationships where the chemistry was unlike anything I'd ever experienced, and still have yet to experience again. However, there were other aspects about our relationship that disallowed me from wanting to be physical, (ie, his values which manifested in his actions, friends, interests, financial habits, etc). Therefore, the chemistry was not purposeful/ beneficial. The chemistry only served to keep me in a relationship that went nowhere.

I could be happy without the initial chemistry because though it may be a small ingredient to establish a relationship, more is required to build, and more importantly, sustain a happy marriage.

 

[Ladybelle]

I was taught to marry someone with whom I could make/build a life. My mother recognizes that my desires and the men I'm attracted to often "cater to my flesh" and this is so not good. What my mom says makes sense, however.

The older I get, the more my experiences have taught me that chemistry is fleeting (depending on the man) as another poster commented . I've been in relationships where the chemistry was unlike anything I'd ever experienced, and still have yet to experience again. However, there were other aspects about our relationship that disallowed me from wanting to be physical, (ie, his values which manifested in his actions, friends, interests, financial habits, etc). Therefore, the chemistry was not purposeful/ beneficial. The chemistry only served to keep me in a relationship that went nowhere.

I could be happy without the initial chemistry because though it may be a small ingredient to establish a relationship, more is required to build, and more importantly, sustain a happy marriage.

You said that! That sounds like straight wisdom. I would like to have the best of both worlds-a little chemistry and a lot of the other pertinent things that make a marriage last.

 

[carcajada]

I want to change my vote to: Could work for me. I could come to love someone if they loved me a lot.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

This situation is especially suffocating when someone you do have chemistry comes along. Cheating becomes almost an impossible temptation not to give in to.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I've only EVER loved AFTER someone else has shown me they loved me first. This applies to friends and family members as well.

I can't relate to love at first sight or basic physical chemistry without emotional substance & attachment that results from love. It's never happened. I only feel passion/chemistry after love has been established.

Naturally my answer is: Love the one who loves you.

 

[prettyhair73]

My friend tells women he dates this all the time.

 

[Bmack]

In the beginning, I had my suspicions from the way he acted. As time went on, it was VERY evident. I guess its because I'm older I recognize those signs.


Just my summation; when a woman loves a man more, things don't tend to work out well, especially for her. When a man loves a woman more, both parties are more than content.


-A

This is my exact situation. It works for me!

 

[alexstin]

I have to have chemistry. I've met some really nice guys in the past that really liked me but I couldn't be with them, no chemistry whatsoever. I just told DH today that he still gives me butterflies and we've been married for 16 years and together for 20. He always says he loves me more than I love him.

 

[chicha]

For me I always passed up the men who I wasn't into. Yeah some had good jobs no children and that was great. They just wasn't great for me. I know I wouldve left. Or even worse cheated. And Im not the cheating kind. My husband I am very passionate about. Chemistry for days

 

[ambergirl]

I don't know, this kind of stuff is never that cut and dry with me.

Just last night I had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in eons and by the end of the night she was confessing how she wasn't attracted to her husband, no sexual chemistry, and married him because he was a good guy who loved her.They've been married about 5 years. I was driving her to catch her train and when I looked over at her, her face was just so sad. If we had more time she might have started crying.

I think sometimes we underestimate how difficult it can be to be in a relationship with someone that you don't have deep feelings for. It really does wear on your soul.

I also think butterflys and nonstop passion are unrealistic. The relationships I see that work people are pretty equally yoked with regards to how much they love each other. Maybe if you marry someone you don't love very much that can change over time, but personally I wouldn't risk it.

 

[Junebug D]

I just got out of a relationship like that. Don't do it. If it ain't there, it ain't there and he will pick up on it. It ended badly.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

This situation is especially suffocating when someone you do have chemistry comes along. Cheating becomes almost an impossible temptation not to give in to.

Exactly. That is exactly what I'm afraid of happening should I end up with someone I'm not passionate about but is about me. I have to feel something for the person I'm with.