Love The One Who Loves You

[Thiends]

Do you think it is possible to be happy with a man who you're not really feeling, but who is really feeling you?

I am sure every girl has experienced having a guy she does not care for be crazy about her. I have read some articles lately advocating that women should settle down with these sorts of men. I wonder though - does this actually work?

Can you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with someone you are just so-so about without feeling resentful, cheating, or leaving them for someone you do feel chemistry with?

Do you think it really does happen that we slowly fall for those who love us passionately if we give them a chance?

Has anyone here married or dated for the longterm someone who loved them but who they were just ok about? How did it work?

 

[Thiends]

To share my story, I tried this. I was dating a guy who was crazy about my looks and personality. I preferred chocolate and a good movie to him on most days, however. I decided to give being less "shallow" a try and to see if I could fall for his personality. Well, the lesson I learned ultimately from that situation was "when you settle, you get less than you settled for."

Why? Over time, as his personality emerged, I discovered a possessive, arrogant, narrow-minded pain in the arse. So, now, not only was I losing on the looks and chemistry fronts, but I didn't even like or respect him as a person. erplexed I would curse aloud when my phone rang and I saw it was him. I was only too happy to get rid of him. One thing I learned from this is that if I am not feeling chemistry with a man, then other flaws are truly horrendous. I need that chemistry to make me more forgiving of the person's shortcomings. People are going to irritate each other in relationships. Without chemistry, all you end up with is someone who pisses you off, rather than someone who pisses you off but who you love.

 

[Triniwegian]

No no no no!
A relationship without mutual love and respect is doomed to fail.

 

[DarkHair]

My MIL said to 'find someone that loves you more than you love him'. This is how her relationship is. Her new husband is a weed and coke-head that is very unappealing. Gladly procreation is not an option for them. She married him for money, and that is what he wanted. He doesn't celebrate holidays (but will accept your Christmas gift ), and he's said that he doesn't want to be around our kids/her grandkids. Anyway, I'm on the fence about this. I know that my DH loves me and he knows that I love him back. However, he claims that he loves me more than I love him. Tough debate here. BUT, it depends on what you are looking for from a relationship. If you are looking for that type of relationship, then so be it. If you are looking for a deep partnership, then you can grow in love together.

 

[Arcadian]

Respect is an aspect that has to be there for a relationship to be successful.

The love part. well...

Anyway, I will say that my husband loves me way more than I do him. This is not to say I don't love him, I do. He just loves me more.

We do have mutual respect for each other, and we're friends. That goes a long way

I'm ok with that.

-A

 

[Thiends]

Anyway, I will say that my husband loves me way more than I do him. This is not to say I don't love him, I do. He just loves me more.

Arcadian: How do you know that he loves you more?

 

[DarkHair]

I just asked hubby and he said that he loves me more than I love him. We couldn't come to a conclusion as to who loves who more.

 

[simone103]

I don't know. Sometimes, I think a person is really short-changing themselves not to mention the other person if they knowingly choose to marry them knowing that they're not in-love.

The only times that I've seen work where the love grows through time is when it's an arranged marriage.

 

[Arcadian]

@Arcadian: How do you know that he loves you more?

In the beginning, I had my suspicions from the way he acted. As time went on, it was VERY evident. I guess its because I'm older I recognize those signs.


Just my summation; when a woman loves a man more, things don't tend to work out well, especially for her. When a man loves a woman more, both parties are more than content.


-A

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Chemistry is something that has to be maintained. Sparks can be flying for him and him for you in the beginning of the relationship but if its not nurtured there eventually there will be no passion. Then it seems like you just "settled" for someone.

I think that in SOME cases marrying with your head and not your heart can be sustainable without cheating ect......

 

[snillohsss]

Never ever ever ever.

Ever.

 

[naijamerican]

Never ever ever ever.

Ever.

snilloh Ever ever? Ever ever? J/K (I was singing the Outkast song as I typed that ).

Seriously though, I don't think that it's as simple as loving the one who loves you as if to suggest that you force yourself to love someone that you know, in the recesses of your heart, is a man that you struggle to muster even a kernel of attraction for. I think that a baseline level of attraction and love is necessary for a relationship to grow. It doesn't mean that both parties will necessarily love each other equally, but something has to be there. In other words, a relationship should entail the mind and heart, not just one or the other. It can't just be a wholly rational decision and it can't just be motivated totally by one's feelings. It has to involve both dimensions. Just my thoughts.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Mutual respect and having the same goals and shared values in how to attain them is most important. If all of that is there as a foundation even w/o that 'Umph' factor, I'd still be cool.

 

[SmileyNY]

This is a good thread. I've tried. I've dated guys who had a lot going for them... Everything you'd think a girl could want. Educated, very (very) financially stable, very into me... but I just wasn't feeling them. Their personalities weren't appealing to me. WHY OH WHY do we fall for the ones that are emotionally unavailable. The ones that are a challenge. The jerks. I'm not saying women should settle, but maybe It's time I take a step back and decide what's really important in life...

 

[aribell]

I think it depends, in the end, on what you feel is most valuable. What would be "settling" for one person because they have their heart set on a certain type of relationship experience might be exactly what someone else is looking for.

I do feel that it's important, though, to at least be on the same page about what you both want out of the relationship. If a man were in love with me and was expecting a reciprocal kind of love, then that wouldn't work if my feelings for him weren't strong.

If so-so just means that I'm not head over heels, then yes, I could probably do that. If it means, though, that there are things that I think are wrong with them, then no, I couldn't. Right now I'm not so much about being in love as being with someone I genuinely respect, am attracted to, and with whom I have a common worldview. I feel like that would be enough to make something good.

 

[SuchaLady]

If thats the case I'd have a man now erplexed

 

[awhyley]

Just another way of settling.

 

[Mortons]

I don't know how to quantify love. How is love measured?

But anyway, I don't think I would do this. I would be ok with less chemistry though, as its not important to me. We will feel each other out and learn.

 

[sylver2]

been there done that, wasted years of both our lives. never again.
my hat off and kudos to women that can be with men they don't really love like that..forever. :-/

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

nahhh...i can't do it. i will not compromise myself. huh?

i got somebody like that now. if i say go up there in the sky and get me the moon, chile puleez..he'll get the stars, clouds, sun and anything else up there. but if i ask him to run to the store and get me a pack of newports, he can't do that. wtferplexed

it won't work. i don't care what he does. he's often asked me..what i gotta do. and i'm like leave me alone. can you say "bytch?"

he's not even physically attractive. not ugly, but just not my type physically.

 

[rabs77]

Thiends, this thread is so on point and timely for me. I have had this question weighing on my mind for a while, and was actually thinking about it a lot this morning. My conclusion is I just can't do it without the chemistry-I just can't. I will eventually be resentful and make both our lives miserable.**shudders**

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

I tried that several times and it always leaves me with a feeling of unfulfillment, wasting my time, and just overall annoyance.

I want to feel the same passion for him that he feels for me. The most important reason I won't do it again is because I always really hurt the guy when I dump him and I don't want to be cruel/mean it's a horrible feeling, especially when you knew out the gate you werent feelin him like that.

As Oprah would say, I don't want to put that energy out into the universe.

Sent from my iPhone4 using LHCF

 

[knt1229]

The fact that someone loves me, adores me, respects me and treats me well is a reason for me to love them. How a man makes me feel is important to me. So for me it could work.

However, if the persons personality is unappealing to me then I won't stick around long enough to realize/know they love me.

I think having chemistry is very different from liking and respecting someone. I have had chemistry with men who I didn't like and didn't respect so those relationships wouldn't work for me.

 

[HoneyCurlz]

I think it's naturally in people to want to be with those who give them that butterfly in the stomach feeling, especially as a young woman or man.

It's kinda ironic in lots of cases because it's rather common for people to kinda waste a lot of time on people who they may be crazy about but are not good for them....only to get older and they then WISH they just had a companion (butterfly feelings become secondary or a non factor).

 

[HoneyCurlz]

This is a good thread. I've tried. I've dated guys who had a lot going for them... Everything you'd think a girl could want. Educated, very (very) financially stable, very into me... but I just wasn't feeling them. Their personalities weren't appealing to me. WHY OH WHY do we fall for the ones that are emotionally unavailable. The ones that are a challenge. The jerks. I'm not saying women should settle, but maybe It's time I take a step back and decide what's really important in life...

This sounds like an aunt of mine. My aunt is now in her late 40's but when she was younger she had her pick of more than a few great, high quaility men. But many of those guys she just wasn't feeling for one reason or another.

I have several aunts and this one is the only one who is not married but at this point she really wants to be. It's crazy because she even tried to double back to a few of those guys I mentioned earlier but of course they are married themselves now.

So, I am not saying that she should have put up with any guy she just did not love because I personally could not be with a man who I just don't have feelings for...but at this point I really don't think my aunt's standards of how her heart should skip a beat is even an issue anymore.

I've never really had a convo with her about it, but judging from what I've heard her say...she just wants a nice, loving, faithful, financially stable, honest guy who loves and respects her. At this point she NEVER talks about not vibing with someone UNLESS the dude has some obvious issues.

 

[FlowerHair]

I think it's a good start, while you're in the dating stage, but if sparks never fly from my side it's going to be tough in the end.

 

[MizAvalon]

In the beginning, I had my suspicions from the way he acted. As time went on, it was VERY evident. I guess its because I'm older I recognize those signs.


Just my summation; when a woman loves a man more, things don't tend to work out well, especially for her. When a man loves a woman more, both parties are more than content.


-A

The older I get, the more I see the truth in this.

 

[FlowerHair]

The older I get, the more I see the truth in this.

I agree, because nothing good comes out of a woman "chasing" a man and trying to get his attention.

A woman should be adored and cherished in a relationship.

 

[shtow]

Deleted. I agree 100 percent with arcadian.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Just my summation; when a woman loves a man more, things don't tend to work out well, especially for her. When a man loves a woman more, both parties are more than content.


-A