Living Together?

[Shinka]

When is the best time to live together? How long did/ have you live with your DH/SO? Did you eventually marry?


I ask these questions because my boyfriend and I are like a true match made in heaven. He wants me to move in with him when my travels/training for my job is over in 2-3 months. I'm moving to his area. I would actually love to move with him and he constantly brings up marriage topics (i.e. Where would you want to get married, How would you decorate OUR House? Would you like it if i called you Mrs. His last name etc...)


I never initiate such talk, and gracefully shy away from the subject. I'm really not the eager about marriage, not that I don't want it, but I don't want to come off as disperate and play into his questions. Who knows his motives in asking these things.

Anyway...I would love to live with him, but I also have this belief in not playing house. I believe living together is a serious committment and should happen between fiances and married folks for many reasons. I told him that and he understands it and says whenever I feel comfortable basically his door is open.

Although this is my belief, I really would love to wake up next to time everyday. So do I stick to my guns or become his roommate?

BTW, I'm 23 and he's 29. We both have been married before ( he's divorced, and I'm in the process after 1 1/2 separation). He has 3 kids, none who lives with him at this time, although he planning to have 2 of his move in shortly. He's has only ever lived with his x-wife, and one girlfriend ( he moved her in due some financial issues she had and lost her place. so he felt bad and helped her out)

Opinions are welcomed

 

[lexi08]

I would not move in with him. Some men dangle the marriage word to reel you in and then string you along. I would wait for a proposal and ring. You are really young anyway... get your own place.

 

[Jessofpal]

I have lived with my boyfriend for 3 of the 7 months we've been together. I always spent weekends here, but a job opened up at his place of employment and the only feasible way for me to get to it (i needed a job bad) was to stay with him and have him take me to work. If anything living together has made us closer and the tension that we have usually stems from our roommate (his brother) not each other.

It is worth noting that we didn't intend to move in together, neither of us has been married, neither of us has kids and I asked to move in rather than the other way around. So the circumstances are a bit different.

 

[treybaby2005]

I've been living with my so for 3yrs now together for four.We spoke of the marraige thing prior to me moving in but it has still yet to happen.I would do it if you have a set plan for when you will get married and stick to it.Or else you will be playing house IMO.

 

[neenee280]

I would not move in with him. Some men dangle the marriage word to reel you in and then string you along. I would wait for a proposal and ring. You are really young anyway... get your own place.

ITA...

Proposal, ring and set the date. I know too many women shacking up and are still waiting for the proposal.

You have been married before and are in the process of divorce. Try to enjoy the relationship before going down the aisle again.

 

[january noir]

You are really young anyway... get your own place.

I agree with nikki. You have a lot of living to do yet!

Plus, if he is moving in 2 of his children, you might want to be able to get away... (if you know what I mean; there could be some uneasy moments between you and children until they get used to you).

I could go on and on why you should wait for a good while, but I won't! - Whatever you decide, GOOD LUCK!

 

[Shinka]

Thanks ladies for responses...i hope more are to come.

To add: I wouldn't be moving in with the hopes of getting married. So far from my mind which is why I avoid his comments because men play games or they say things sometimes just to feel you out. I actually mentioned it to give people an idea of where his head is possibly. if he proposes one day, that'll be nice, but I'm not expecting it. I have better things to do

 

[Syrah]

Maybe I'm old fashioned in this particular regard, but I don't believe in cohabitation. I don't think its a good idea if you're talking about your PRIMARY residence.

What happens if something goes wrong? (I Know I know, ya'll are a match made in heaven blah blah blah - but in this sense you have to be practical).

Where do you go?

You can spend a lot of time together but I think two individuals need their own space and place.

...plus I can't imagine coming home to my father and telling him that I'm living with a man who is not my husband (or about to be). He's not having it.

 

[Syrah]

I never initiate such talk, and gracefully shy away from the subject. I'm really not the eager about marriage, not that I don't want it, but I don't want to come off as disperate and play into his questions. Who knows his motives in asking these things.[\quote]

Alright, Shinka - I have to respectfully stop you here. Why do you not initiate such talk if it is what you want? Why do you gracefully shy away from the topic if it is what you want? When you go in for an interview and indicate that you want a new job - do you hint at it or do you come right out and say it "I want this job!!"?

If you 2 are truly a match made in heaven, you should be able to voice your desires (WHATEVER THEY MAY BE) without him thinking and more or less of you.

Let me ask you this: Why do YOU want to move in with HIM?

 

[Katt73]

Anyway...I would love to live with him, but I also have this belief in not playing house. I believe living together is a serious committment and should happen between fiances and married folks for many reasons. I told him that and he understands it and says whenever I feel comfortable basically his door is open.

He has 3 kids, none who lives with him at this time, although he planning to have 2 of his move in shortly.

You have answered your own question. If you don't believe in "playing house", then don't do it! (I'm not being judgmental because I've been living with my SO for just over a year).

I may be way off base, but it's on my mind, so I'm going to put it out there: Could he possibly want a live-in caregiver for the two children he's planning on bringing home?

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best!

 

[Arcadian]

Tell him how you feel about it.

I live with my partner, and happily so. However, before we moved in together (we bought a house together) I moved here and lived on my own for a year. I'm glad for that year because I needed to have my own feet and space in order to go that next step.


My SO would marry me the minute I say ok, but I don't want to get legally married. I think some seem to forget that some of us, men and women don't see a need for the institution.

IMO sounds like he's very interested in getting married. And if you're not, tell him so. Just be very open and very honest with him over exactly what you want and your expectations of him...thats all you can really do.

Living together is as much of a commitment as you want to make it and in my case I see it as way beyond a game of playing house. For me, this is for life, and just as real as any other partnership between a man and woman.

Marriage, legal or otherwise dosen't dictate who you love or dont.





-A

 

[Aidenberry03]

^^^^^^Beautiful^^^^^^

 

[winterinatl]

When is the best time to live together? How long did/ have you live with your DH/SO? Did you eventually marry?


I ask these questions because my boyfriend and I are like a true match made in heaven. He wants me to move in with him when my travels/training for my job is over in 2-3 months. I'm moving to his area. I would actually love to move with him and he constantly brings up marriage topics (i.e. Where would you want to get married, How would you decorate OUR House? Would you like it if i called you Mrs. His last name etc...)


I never initiate such talk, and gracefully shy away from the subject. I'm really not the eager about marriage, not that I don't want it, but I don't want to come off as disperate and play into his questions. Who knows his motives in asking these things.

Anyway...I would love to live with him, but I also have this belief in not playing house. I believe living together is a serious committment and should happen between fiances and married folks for many reasons. I told him that and he understands it and says whenever I feel comfortable basically his door is open.

Although this is my belief, I really would love to wake up next to time everyday. So do I stick to my guns or become his roommate?

BTW, I'm 23 and he's 29. We both have been married before ( he's divorced, and I'm in the process after 1 1/2 separation). He has 3 kids, none who lives with him at this time, although he planning to have 2 of his move in shortly. He's has only ever lived with his x-wife, and one girlfriend ( he moved her in due some financial issues she had and lost her place. so he felt bad and helped her out)

Opinions are welcomed

Please do not go against your initial beliefs. If things do not work out (meaning, there is a high probability you all will not get married if you go by statistics) you will be angry with yourself for a long time for adjusting you beliefs for someone else. I am speaking from personal experience!

 

[blue_flower]

I read your post and basically you answered your own question. If he's serious about getting married, get married first and then move in together. From what you said about him it sounds like he has a lot of bagagge. If both of you make each other happy, I think you should take things slow and get to know each other little bit more. I agree with Ms Nadi that individuals need their own time and space.

 

[lexi08]

You have answered your own question. If you don't believe in "playing house", then don't do it! (I'm not being judgmental because I've been living with my SO for just over a year).

I may be way off base, but it's on my mind, so I'm going to put it out there: Could he possibly want a live-in caregiver for the two children he's planning on bringing home?

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best!

I was thinking this too, about the live-in caregiver issue You would be surprised how many men do this.

 

[mzhotniz86]

i had a very bad experience when my bf came and lived with me. but if you want to live together , make sure you set those rules down first so you know that yall are on the same page

 

[spelmanlocks]

I live with my fiance right now, we've lived together for a year and a half, but been together for four years.

Personally I have no problem with people living together before marriage. I don't think living together ruins good relationships, I think it magnifies bad ones though. For us I think it allowed us to see we could make it through the hard times and still love each other because adjusting to living with another person can be difficult married or not.


But are you going to be able to deal with his kids, their mother, and the rest of his family? Are you sure you're ready to stop dating completely?
Those are the questions I would ask myself in your case.

 

[Shinka]

I really just wanted some insight from people who lived/live together with their SO? ( whether it was a boyfriend or developed into a marriage.)

Thank you ladies for sharing the different views and experiences. I'm still undecided, mostly because it would be movng near him ( not for him, but for my job anyways). so economically it would benefit me and I doubt we'll have issues living together since we have vary similar habits. We are monogamous, he ask for that casue he wanted me to be his woman.

BTW, we already talked honestly about it. He knows how I feeel about cohabitation and the marriage topics. I gracefully shy away because i'm not trying to feed into it. Like why would I go on this great IMAGINARY explanation of how I would decorate OUR house. lol. I told him although that's my belief ( or more what I've been taught), I would seriously consider it with him given the circumstances and how I feel about him. We even discussed my concerns of worst case scenarios and how we'll handle that.

What some has refer to as "his bagggage" really doesn't bother me. He taking care of his kids, not me taking care of them. he had those plans set before we started dating. Even if I don't move in, his sons are still going to be there. Dating or living with him I have to still interact with them and their mothers who all know of me and are amicable towards me. They all have relationships of their own too. Plus my work schedule wouldn't even allow me to become a live-in caregiver.lol Although, I love kids so I would help him when needed...that's just me.


So I' still undecided, but I wanted to see what other females experiences were just living together. My church discourages it, but the majority of them are older single females who had tons of bad relationships ( mostly failed marriages and never cohabitated). So somtimes there's no real examples of success, although I know each person relationship is different. Shoot, my marriage failed and he was the first and only man I ever lived with,we did after we got maried. Our living habits weren't issues but everything else.


Sometimes i just wonder if these older belief systems have a basis today. Etherway i would be fine ( on my own or with him). I kind of just want to live alittle too and do something I normally wouldn't do....lol ( I mean that in way that I wouldn't just move in with any man for the thrill of it, but he is someone I would consider marrying...one day..he's actually exactly what I prayed for...minus the children which i didn't set any stipulations about in my prayer that day )

 

[Katt73]

That said, I'm going to answer your original question, Shinka.

I have lived with my SO for just over a year. We dated for about seven months before moving in together, but had been good friends for years before we started dating, seeing and talking to one another just about every day (in fact, other people saw that we were in love with one another before WE saw it ).

Anywho, our experience has been phenomenal. I moved into his house, so I had to adjust to his excessive neatness (which has really made me step up my game) and he had to adjust to my cooking style (lots of curries and stews and rice). He had to deal with the fact that I like lots of quiet time chilling and reading and I had to deal with the fact that he LOVES to entertain. Both of us went into this arrangement as adults who have lived alone most of our adult lives (I'm 34 and he's 46) so we were pretty used to doing things our way. We understood and discussed up front that we were going to make a wholehearted attempt to compromise to the fullest extent possible and that the compromise would be a two-way street...none of that, "It's MY house, so do things MY way" nonsense.

All the compromise has been well worth it. We were talking the other night about how we really look forward to coming home to one another at the end of the day. It may fade (though I hope it doesn't) but we genuinely have fun together in the evenings, cooking, sipping wine, watching TV, and talking. It's nice to have a buddy to do mundane stuff with, like fold laundry (ok...so he just talks to me while I fold laundry) and wash dishes. And don't even get me started on how nice it's been to share expenses rather than run two households!

As for moving toward marriage, we have talked about it and tried on some rings a few weeks ago. His mother and sisters (and mine) will decapitate him if he doesn't propose soon. And he knows that I won't "shack up" forever, because I've already told him...he knows when I'm serious...I'll get a hot little condo downtown in a heartbeat if this relationship doesn't progress in that way.

Whatever you do, just make sure that you understand that it will be a major disruption if you cohabitate, then change your mind and move out. Don't take it lightly...I have heard from couples that it's almost like going through a divorce. It changes the dynamics of the relationship...it will either end it or change it in ways that you can't imagine til you go through it (I have a good friend who went through it and, unfortunately, the relationship didn't survive because her SO felt that she had de-invested (divested?) in the relationship.

(Sorry this post is so long!)

 

[mrsjohnson75]

My DH (boyfriend at the time) and I moved in together and lived together for 3 years before we got married. I know if we had not lived together beforehand then we would've been married way sooner than that. You should at least be engaged with the date set!!!