Living Together Before The Ring...

naturalmanenyc said:
Be careful. A family member meets a lot of his women in church. He's even a deacon. Married a few times now.
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Thank you for the warning :-). We actually know each other because his first cousin is married to one of my best friends. And so whenever my friend and her husband had lil get togethers/cookouts at their house he would be there too.
 
Way too many people end up staying in shitty relationships because they moved in and there are too many complications to moving out.

Studies also show many cohabiting couples actually get divorced at higher rates than non-cohabiting ones. Could be an issue of correlation but not causation but that's a fact.
 
Farida said:
Way too many people end up staying in shitty relationships because they moved in and there are too many complications to moving out.

Studies also show many cohabiting couples actually get divorced at higher rates than non-cohabiting ones. Could be an issue of correlation but not causation but that's a fact.
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Not only that, but even the couples who stay together report lower levels of marital satisfaction compared to couples who don't live together before getting engaged.:look:
 
Transformer said:
Serious question:

How can you tell someone is "on the road to proposing?"
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With my ex husband, there were signs. He started acting weird and being more interested in looking at rings.

With my SO, I personally have no idea. He talks about me being his wife and changing my last name, and his potential groomsman and best man in a semi joking manner during random conversations but when I tried to have a real discussion about it, he told me we are on the same page and he isn't going to discuss anymore with me.
He said that his job is to get the ring and present it to me and he isn't going to talk to me about it any further than that. He has confirmed to me many times that he does want to be married so I guess I am waiting for him to propose since we are "on the same page".

But I have no idea (if he even will) if he is on the road. And for that reason I don't want to live with him. I think living together before engagement will slow him down on making things official. But then again, I am very happy with him. I don't know if when we hit the two year mark (my internal deadline) I would leave if he hasn't proposed. I would be very disappointed but I enjoy what we have. I don't know if I would walk because I do want to be married but I don't just want anyone. I want him.

But to answer your question generally, there is a whole board dedicated to women trying to figure it out http://boards.weddingbee.com/board/waiting/
 
I would do it.

I wouldn't for just a maybe or talking about it situation, though. I would do it because it was best for me....whether or not that included an engagement around the corner. When I was ready to get married and he wasn't on board then, then I'm out. I'm not staying just cause I'm saving X dollars. Lol If he was, then he'd be about it. But my decisions would certainly not be hinged on someone else's maybe.

I get the cons though. I know plenty of folks shacked up in miserable situations. I just told a story about a couple living together for over a decade and she finally broke down, got on one knee and proposed to him. Lol.
 
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I'm surprised by the answers. I've done it no problem. We had a wedding day set and everything but his dumb butt went to jail but that's another story for another day.

I'd do it again. My now boyfriend has been hinting towards it and I'm going to say yes. Why? Because he's the type of guy that WANTS marriage and kids and the whole shabang. I feel like women don't move in as a tactic to get him to marry her. If a man truly wants to marry you it shouldn't matter if he's "getting the milk for free" good milk is good milk and if he wants it forever he'll put his own price on it
 
L.Brown1114 said:
I'm surprised by the answers. I've done it no problem. We had a wedding day set and everything but his dumb butt went to jail but that's another story for another day.

I'd do it again. My now boyfriend has been hinting towards it and I'm going to say yes. Why? Because he's the type of guy that WANTS marriage and kids and the whole shabang. I feel like women don't move in as a tactic to get him to marry her. If a man truly wants to marry you it shouldn't matter if he's "getting the milk for free" good milk is good milk and if he wants it forever he'll put his own price on it
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Nah, it's not just that. The issue is that living together brings on another level of responsibility that you may not be prepared for. When you break it down it sounds really silly to be willing to mingle finances with someone you are not ready to commit to in marriage. This is not like going dutch on a date. Money makes **** real.

Also, there are things that people can't plan for that could put strain in the relationship. For example. Me and my live in bf was on the rocks at one point. I had injured my foot so I was out of work for a while. He would usher me to my appointments and such, we also started struggling because I wasn't bringing in enough money those 2 months. So here we are struggling together and we wasn't feeling each other at the time.It was bad. I didn't even want him to take me to my appointments :lachen:

There was another point where one of us was facing unemployment. **** happens, ya know.

Been there, done that. I recommend it for no one. I will wait until we are married or very close to it
 
keyawarren said:
Nah, it's not just that. The issue is that living together brings on another level of responsibility that you may not be prepared for. When you break it down it sounds really silly to be willing to mingle finances with someone you are not ready to commit to in marriage. This is not like going dutch on a date. Money makes **** real.

Also, there are things that people can't plan for that could put strain in the relationship. For example. Me and my live in bf was on the rocks at one point. I had injured my foot so I was out of work for a while. He would usher me to my appointments and such, we also started struggling because I wasn't bringing in enough money those 2 months. So here we are struggling together and we wasn't feeling each other at the time.It was bad. I didn't even want him to take me to my appointments :lachen:

There was another point where one of us was facing unemployment. **** happens, ya know.

Been there, done that. I recommend it for no one. I will wait until we are married or very close to it
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If you can't handle it as BF and GF how would you magically handle it as husband and wife? Just because the law sees your money as one doesn't mean you will. I rather go through that and see if we can handle that now then have to go through a lengthy and expensive divorce
 
L.Brown1114 said:
I'm surprised by the answers. I've done it no problem. We had a wedding day set and everything but his dumb butt went to jail but that's another story for another day.

I'd do it again. My now boyfriend has been hinting towards it and I'm going to say yes. Why? Because he's the type of guy that WANTS marriage and kids and the whole shabang. I feel like women don't move in as a tactic to get him to marry her. If a man truly wants to marry you it shouldn't matter if he's "getting the milk for free" good milk is good milk and if he wants it forever he'll put his own price on it
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:confused:
None of this makes sense. Sounds like some backwards logic.
 
L.Brown1114 said:
If you can't handle it as BF and GF how would you magically handle it as husband and wife? Just because the law sees your money as one doesn't mean you will. I rather go through that and see if we can handle that now then have to go through a lengthy and expensive divorce
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My point is that you need to be aware of your level of commitment.Not just aware, but actually committed to that person. Folks move in together and it is cute at first, but they really don't know what they're getting into. I know a couple now who aren't happy, but don't want to deal with the logistics of breaking up/moving out. It's more difficult than it seems.
 
I have another friend who broke up with her live in bf (now ex). She found the perfect apartment. It wasn't until they ran her credit that she realized that at the place she shared with her ex, they were in arrears and he said nothing. Her name was on that lease along with his.

This is just one case of ish happening and y'all weren't even that serious.

Ol' bastard ruined her credit and she has nothing to show for it.

RocStar said:
:confused:
None of this makes sense. Sounds like some backwards logic.
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Funny, she posted another example of "**** happens".

Anyway, there are always exceptions to the rule. But on principal, it should really be a hell nawl.
 
L.Brown1114 said:
I'm surprised by the answers. I've done it no problem. We had a wedding day set and everything but his dumb butt went to jail but that's another story for another day.

I'd do it again. My now boyfriend has been hinting towards it and I'm going to say yes. Why? Because he's the type of guy that WANTS marriage and kids and the whole shabang. I feel like women don't move in as a tactic to get him to marry her. If a man truly wants to marry you it shouldn't matter if he's "getting the milk for free" good milk is good milk and if he wants it forever he'll put his own price on it
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That's not even how men operate though so it makes no sense.:confused:
 
L.Brown1114 said:
If you can't handle it as BF and GF how would you magically handle it as husband and wife? Just because the law sees your money as one doesn't mean you will. I rather go through that and see if we can handle that now then have to go through a lengthy and expensive divorce
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Living together as a way of 'testing the waters' for a relationship doesn't work because even though you enter it thinking if it doesn't work, you can just leave, cohabitation couples end up making the same kind of decisions married couples make. Ending a cohabitation can get just as complicated as ending a marriage. I personally don't care to make huge decisions like buying a house with a man unless he is my husband. From what I see, living with SO without the ring is a great way to invest time and money in a relationship that ends up going nowhere.

For example, two of my best friends live with their SOs. One has a wedding set for early next year. For my friend who's engaged, her fiancé has paid a lot of her expenses that under the law, should they split before they get married he could be reimbursed for if they were married. My friend and I met in law school and when we took community property, we actually looked at her situation as a hypothetical. I don't think they will split but if they did, I love my friend but I could see him feeling like she took advantage of him financially.

For my non-engaged friend, it's the same thing but reversed. My friend has financially invested money, time (her prime childbearing years), her job for her SO in addition to taking care of his children from his previous relationship. She keeps saying they're going to get married soon and he keeps delaying it for one reason or another.
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
Living together as a way of 'testing the waters' for a relationship doesn't work because even though you enter it thinking if it doesn't work, you can just leave, cohabitation couples end up making the same kind of decisions married couples make. Ending a cohabitation can get just as complicated as ending a marriage. I personally don't care to make huge decisions like buying a house with a man unless he is my husband. From what I see, living with SO without the ring is a great way to invest time and money in a relationship that ends up going nowhere.

For example, two of my best friends live with their SOs. One has a wedding set for early next year. For my friend who's engaged, her fiancé has paid a lot of her expenses that under the law, should they split before they get married he could be reimbursed for if they were married. My friend and I met in law school and when we took community property, we actually looked at her situation as a hypothetical. I don't think they will split but if they did, I love my friend but I could see him feeling like she took advantage of him financially.

For my non-engaged friend, it's the same thing but reversed. My friend has financially invested money, time (her prime childbearing years), her job for her SO in addition to taking care of his children from his previous relationship. She keeps saying they're going to get married soon and he keeps delaying it for one reason or another.
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Oh no i would have been gone the first time he delayed it. I don't play that. If things aren't working out I dip. I'm already A commitaphobe. I can only date guys who hardcore commit or it won't work so I've personally never been in a situation where a guy is less invested than I am while in a serious relationship
 
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ScorpioBeauty09 said:
That's not even how men operate though so it makes no sense.:confused:
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You can't say ALL men have one mindset. I don't date old fashion men though. I prefer mine more progressive. The ones who can live with you and STILL *gasp* want to get married. These days there are women having babies first and getting married and vise versa and no one way has been seen successful or not. There's still a high rate of divorce. It's about the individuals, what you want from each other, communicate effectively about what your relationship and what you want it to become, etc.

There's so MANY factors into why a man won't marry you or why couples break up. Blaming it on something that I've seen hasn't had an effect on the relatio ships I've seen doesn't make sense. You can do EVERYTHING "perfectly" and by the book but the only thing that keeps a man is a man that wants to be kept
 
RocStar said:
:confused:
None of this makes sense. Sounds like some backwards logic.
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Everything's different for everyone and who they date and what TYPE of men you're attracted to. What's worked for ME won't work for someone else. I'm a free spirit. I don't like commitment and only one guy has ever gotten me to. Because of that I guess I attract men who commit hardcore so I've never had to do anything like what you guys are talking about. If it works for you great!! I'll stick with what works for ME
 
L.Brown1114 said:
I'm surprised by the answers. I've done it no problem. We had a wedding day set and everything but his dumb butt went to jail but that's another story for another day.

I'd do it again. My now boyfriend has been hinting towards it and I'm going to say yes. Why? Because he's the type of guy that WANTS marriage and kids and the whole shabang. I feel like women don't move in as a tactic to get him to marry her. If a man truly wants to marry you it shouldn't matter if he's "getting the milk for free" good milk is good milk and if he wants it forever he'll put his own price on it
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But to me a man who would put himself in the position to go to jail is not a mature or committed person. So I'm not understanding your comments about you attracting stellar guys. Maybe I'm missing something here.
 
hopeful said:
But to me a man who would put himself in the position to go to jail is not a mature or committed person. So I'm not understanding your comments about you attracting stellar guys. Maybe I'm missing something here.
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I never said stellar. I said guys who can commit. You equated the two qualities, not me. I've seen stellar guys not commit and vise versa.

But clearly my opinion is getting people offended even though I keep saying for ME and MY opinion so I'm going to mosey on outta this thread
 
L.Brown1114 said:
But clearly my opinion is getting people offended even though I keep saying for ME and MY opinion so I'm going to mosey on outta this thread
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You didn't just express your opinion though. You said women who don't move in with a man before the ring do it to force him to marry her. Ladies then responded saying no, and explained why.
 
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