LHCF ruined my relationship!

[carolinetwin]

lol, not really. True story though. My SO was teasing me about by obsession with these boards and said why don't I check what's going on, he knows I want to. So I jumped onto the relationship forum and saw the thread about how long do you wait before colouring. We saw the responses and on average I'd say most people said 3-5 dates. He asked me how long I waited and I said between 3-5 dates, which is true.

He was shocked and said how can I possibly know someone in 3-5 dates and he doesn't think sleeping with someone should be taken so lightly. I said it was the norm, and it is for me. I said it was my experience and those of my friends that most guys will want to get in your pants in that time period. He went on to say he was sure he would like my friends but 3-5 dates was too soon and he was disappointed in my answer. He has never slept with anyone before 3 months (except me) had elapsed because it's important to him to share his body with someone who matters to him and that he has checked out. He doesn't want to end up having a baby by someone he never really wanted to be with or end up with some disease.

I said he sounded like he was judging me but he told me he wasn't. We carried on the day but I was :

I didn't bring up the topic again until just before bed and told him how peed I was with him judging me, to which he repeated he wasn't judging but was just surprised and he accepts we just have different views.

Next morning he was cold and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. He rings in the evening to tell me

1 - he wasn't judging me but he was surprised at how soon I slept with men
2- i told him I had cheated 10 years ago but it shows my attitude towards relationships
3 - I told him I was someone's jump off ( I didn't know I was , dude was a very good liar and manipulator ...but I suppose after several months I knew in my heart what the deal was but I loved him so much I told myself it wasn't true). Anyway, so according to my SO, sleeping with me is like sleeping with all the people the other dude has been with. Even though I got tested as soon as the whole thing blew up 2 yrs ago and also BEFORE I started sleeping with my SO
4 - I'm obviously into my ex because I keep raising him and telling him stories about our time together. (I've mentioned my ex 3 times! and I was with him for 7 years. My whole family knew him and still ask about him)

My issue is:

1 - my ex is my ex, I have a past and I had good times with him. I only mention him in passing in the context of a conversation about exes. He chooses never to mention his ex because he is "past it" . Fair enough, he doesn't want me to mention anyone I was ever with. I can accept that. If it upsets him then I wont do it.
2 - my sexual habits before I met him should not be his concern. So long as I'm not carrying an STD then he need not be raising this with me. AND if he was that concerned then he needs to stop sleeping with me and go get tested. And he acting like I'm some sort of whore!
3 - why is he using things I tell him against me?

Anyway, he calls me after this conversation to apologise unreservedly for ever raising any of these issues. He was tired and had a bad day at work and realised how stupid all the issues he said were and he really dont care about any of those things.

Meanwhile I was reconsidering whether i really wanted to be with him. In a relationship you are making yourself vulnerable to a person which means bearing your soul. If I have to sensor myself or hide things from you then that is not relationship I want to be in.

This is the second time he has used something I tell him as the basis upon which to judge me. I can't afford to be vulnerable to someone who does this. Can I really spent an entire marriage censoring myself, not EVER mentioning anything that happened before him?

I don't know what to do, but right now, I just want a break from him and honestly the way I feel, if I never saw him again it would be too soon!

Sorry for the long post, but I'm just mentally tired.

 

[NYAmicas]

Sounds like he needs to grow up a bit to me. If he cant handle candid, honest convo then maybe you two need to do some soul searching apart.

 

[MahoganyJazz]

Never. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Give a man that much control over your thoughts and emotions. It's none of his business how soon you decide as a grown woman to be intimate with another man.... He shouldn't care since it was before his time anyway. He's using this information to control and manipulate you now that he knows. Any grown and mature man wouldn't do that. If he truly cared about you he wouldn't be throwing it up in your face, or try to make you feel ashamed.

Except his apology, and feed him with a long handled spoon. If he can't let it go, then he hasn't arrived yet. Nothing is wrong with talking about past relationships in a general manner. Your past isn't something that can be magically erased just because of a new relationship. And personally, I want to know about those things in the past because we both can learn from those mistakes that led to the break up.

Do what you feel is real though. If you need a break, do it or you might regret it later on.

 

[TamedTresses]

What a jerk! You should tell him exactly how you felt about the whole situation and let him know that it is not acceptable. If he can't respect that then never will be too soon. He has no right to treat you like that, and his BS about him having a bad day at work is just dat...BS.

If you still feel like you need a break after talking it out with him, take one. Do what is best for you. No one can take care of you like you can.

 

[Lenee925]

He's just a little jealous and is probably getting really serious about you for him to get upset. It's understandable because you may have gave TMI. Take the apology and have a nice romantic date out and show him how much you care. Next time he goes all "Scarlet Letter" on you, dump him.

 

[Eritreladiee]

Giiiirl NEVER tell a man about your sexual past. Either that or lie and be a prude.

I remember telling a guy the approximate range of men I've been with and he brought it up randomly during a fight, trying to be hurtful It didn't actually hurt me, because I knew that's what he was trying to do, plus it was really childish given the context. And although he apologized afterward and wanted to "make things right," I was still like

Anyway, I don't know what to tell you. By the way it sounds, he's reclassified you as a ho. The thought of 3-5 dates probably shook him to his core and has him wondering how many men you've really been with. And the fact that you also admitted to cheating in previous relationships?

Not to be a debbie downer, but I'm pretty sure it'll come up again.

Good luck

 

[aribell]

2 - my sexual habits before I met him should not be his concern. So long as I'm not carrying an STD then he need not be raising this with me. AND if he was that concerned then he needs to stop sleeping with me and go get tested. And he acting like I'm some sort of whore!
3 - why is he using things I tell him against me?

Anyway, he calls me after this conversation to apologise unreservedly for ever raising any of these issues. He was tired and had a bad day at work and realised how stupid all the issues he said were and he really dont care about any of those things.

Meanwhile I was reconsidering whether i really wanted to be with him. In a relationship you are making yourself vulnerable to a person which means bearing your soul. If I have to sensor myself or hide things from you then that is not relationship I want to be in.

This is the second time he has used something I tell him as the basis upon which to judge me. I can't afford to be vulnerable to someone who does this. Can I really spent an entire marriage censoring myself, not EVER mentioning anything that happened before him?

I don't know what to do, but right now, I just want a break from him and honestly the way I feel, if I never saw him again it would be too soon!

How long have you all been together? I feel the bolded is exactly the reason for the sentiments shared in the "magic coloring number" thread.

I think it's easier for the person doing the telling to feel like, "So what?" about sexual history or mistakes in the past because you already know who you are and how those things fit into your character. But for someone you're telling, they don't necessarily know if those things reflect something bad about your character or not. That's why I asked how long you all had been together.

Sometimes you have to wait a long time to tell people things about yourself so that you know there's already a really solid foundation of their confidence in and respect for who you are.

 

[chicitygirl]

Yeah, you should have never told him all of that... Men and their egos can't handle that kind of info.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

#1 rule: Never tell your man your true past history with other men. They cant take it.

 

[soulfusion]

You told him too much stuff. It isn't necessary to share everything about your past with your man.

 

[Strangefruittree]

He is just being thoughtless and silly, because if he really felt so strongly, you would have know all of what he is saying now, BEFORE you guys ever slept with each other. I'm just saying, if you are not colouring early on, someone is spending time talking about why not when how and all of that.
I dont feel that you should use what i said above in any conversation with him as it is of no advantage to you or him, it just is for you to think about in relation to his commentary.
I would also agree with other poster in that somethings should not be shared until stronger intamacy has formed... oh boy have i learned that. I have learned that sex after 3-5 dates is not a good thing for me, and that practicing restraint during that time will help in developing better connections with men. Thats just me. I dont think that i need to get into all the details with a guy i just met about why i in particular feel this way but i would share general beliefs held by society that would support my opinion and action. If proved himself to care about me and my attributes, i would divulge more at another time.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

OP I have mixed thoughts on this whole shebang.

I agree that your previous life is that. You shouldn't have to share it if you don't want to, but I don't agree about lying to men about your past. If anything, refuse to disclose it until you feel they can handle it.

As for your SO, I can understand his viewpoint, and I feel many of us would think and say the same things he says. Being honest, sometimes even a condom is not enough, and in other cases at least a year isn't enough to know. Your body is precious and your sexuality, while easily usable and manipulated, is sacred when used in a certain manner. (Depending on your skill you can apply higher levels of sacredness to the act on and off at will.)

People might think he's a jerk, but what I respect is, it shocked and disappointed him, but he said, "I accept that we have different viewpoints." He might have come off wrong but at the end of the day you guys can work through this.

I am not defending him, but perhaps it was the dynamics within your relationship which affected how you perceived this? For example, I don't know how he sounds and acts when he's upset even when he denies being upset, but you can. So if he came off in a condescending tone, you know better than I do.

And kudos to both of you for being able to at least communicate this.

 

[song_of_serenity]

As long as you are STD free, not a cheater and treating your man well and with understanding and respect, he has nothing to worry about. I can see being cautious honestly...how many girls here have told stories about their "mans past" and people are all "red flags!!' Men worry about getting hurt, too. So really, I DON'T fault him for his concern.

But to throw things you told him back in your face isn't cool. I believe a conversation is needed that either he wants to be with you and accept you as you are (and not as you were) and how you treat him speaks for itself or he just needs to move on because you don't deserve to have him be a judge and jury of a past he wasn't even in existence for.

 

[ambergirl]

Yeah, you should have never told him all of that... Men and their egos can't handle that kind of info.

#1 rule: Never tell your man your true past history with other men. They cant take it.

You told him too much stuff. It isn't necessary to share everything about your past with your man.

What they said. I don't care what a man says about being open, honest, and candid about previous dating life, 99% of them can't handle the truth even though they will tell you they can. My folks have been married for decades and my mom STILL has relationship secrets about her dating life before my dad. And honestly, even though they will huff and puff and threaten to blow the house down if you don't tell, deep down they like the fact that there's stuff about you they don't know.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

What they said. I don't care what a man says about being open, honest, and candid about previous dating life, 99% of them can't handle the truth even though they will tell you they can. My folks have been married for decades and my mom STILL has relationship secrets about her dating life before my dad. And honestly, even though they will huff and puff and threaten to blow the house down if you don't tell, deep down they like the fact that there's stuff about you they don't know.

Tell it!

I truly believe that my DH knows Im lying and he appreciates the fact that Im lying to him. He has known me half of my life and knows about some of my coloring but he only asked me about it once. He asked, I lied, and that was it.

 

[jamaraa]

Giiiirl NEVER tell a man about your sexual past. Either that or lie and be a prude.

I remember telling a guy the approximate range of men I've been with and he brought it up randomly during a fight, trying to be hurtful It didn't actually hurt me, because I knew that's what he was trying to do, plus it was really childish given the context. And although he apologized afterward and wanted to "make things right," I was still like

Anyway, I don't know what to tell you. By the way it sounds, he's reclassified you as a ho. The thought of 3-5 dates probably shook him to his core and has him wondering how many men you've really been with. And the fact that you also admitted to cheating in previous relationships?

Not to be a debbie downer, but I'm pretty sure it'll come up again.

Good luck

Truth! EL always brings da good stuff! oke:

carolinetwin...Sadly this really is the truth. Most men are hypocrites on this matter (and so many others )....I say to myself that men have a tendency to "lie up" and women a tendency to "lie down" . What I mean is that many men pretend they've had more sex/partners than they actually have had and women commonly claim far less.

There's some logic in women's algebraic type sex answers for a reason....the vast majority of men simply can't deal. (If someone doubts this, try it and see! ) Most are when they ate told they aren't "da 1st". Many reasonable men expect they aren't the 1st, but few wanna be told w/ deets.

As long as you guys test and test routinely...don't worry much about it. Many men like a little mystery in their women....it keeps them on a pleasant edge and guessing. They tend to work harder to "know" you even if they know they can't. Men like the chase even if they've "caught" ya. Being too open about some things spoils that.

 

[kismettt]

a) too much information.

also, i think a guy shows that he is judgmental about a girl's (used generally) sexual past before you reveal yours. i've learned to recognize that sign right away.


b) my SO thinks this forum is the devil & he gives me a scrunched up face when i tell him about discussions or "things i've read online (that are clearly from this site)". i do not discuss much of anything from this site with him anymore. (just my experience re: sharing LHCF in a relationship)

c) 7 years is a long time, of course you shouldn't always bring up your ex (doesn't seem as if you had), but he must expect it to come up every once in a while, yaknow?

d) i don't like that he judges you. i don't think a relationship should involve "judging". especially from past mistakes that weren't entirely your fault (jumpoff) or were a while ago (cheating). especially if he is going to try to use it against you.

i think a break is a good idea.

how long have you been w/ him?

 

[carolinetwin]

How long have you all been together? I feel the bolded is exactly the reason for the sentiments shared in the "magic coloring number" thread.

I think it's easier for the person doing the telling to feel like, "So what?" about sexual history or mistakes in the past because you already know who you are and how those things fit into your character. But for someone you're telling, they don't necessarily know if those things reflect something bad about your character or not. That's why I asked how long you all had been together.

Sometimes you have to wait a long time to tell people things about yourself so that you know there's already a really solid foundation of their confidence in and respect for who you are.

Been with him 8 months. He always told me to be me and to feel like I could discuss anything with him. I feel betrayed by some of the things he said. I got to a stage where I felt like I was "safe" with him and that this person would be my soul mate, whom I never had to censor myself. Now I feel like I can never trust him with any information.

 

[ambergirl]

Been with him 8 months. He always told me to be me and to feel like I could discuss anything with him. I feel betrayed by some of the things he said. I got to a stage where I felt like I was "safe" with him and that this person would be my soul mate, whom I never had to censor myself. Now I feel like I can never trust him with any information.

Totally feel you on this post. I am a very honest, candid person so it's really hard for me not to just tell the truth, even on sensitive subjects.

But just because you can't share everything doesn't mean you can't have a deep connection with someone. Some things are just better left unsaid. It's like when you ask a man whether something makes you look fat. If he say's "H*ll yeah, you look like a cow!"....does anybody want to here that? Versus him saying "hmmmm, it's not my favorite outfit, but I love you in this!".

That said, this guy does seem to be over reacting (although I am smh at why you told him you cheated in the past...men are stoopid about even the thought of their women cheating on them, even if they themselves are straight up hoes)....hope it works out well for you.