letting go of a GOOD MAN because he's not the BEST MAN for you

[kurlybella]

have you ever been in a relationship with someone who would be an excellent husband, father and lover but something is just not there fully to click it all into place?

you fall in love with a wonderful man, but he's just not the man for you and you are not the right woman for him?

have you ever let go of a GOOD MAN because he's not the BEST MAN for you?

though i'm not a single mom, i was reading this article and thought about this: http://singlemomdating.wordpress.com/2008/07/10/breaking-up-with-a-good-guy-because-he-is-not-the-best-guy-for-you/

 

[AstroQueen77]

I haven't personally had to do it..but just because someone is great on paper..dosen't mean that he is totally right for you. I agree that you should date around and find out what you want. How can you know what you want unless you have had a chance to explore your options?

 

[Honey Bee]

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bushel.

 

[YaniraNaturally]

Hmm a good friend of mine is dealing with a related problem. She's torn between a man that she loves and a man that she's in love with.

I don't know what I'd do in that situation.

 

[Mai Tai]

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bushel.

Huh...Never heard this saying? I am seriously curious as to what it means...so that I may use it later...

 

[LongTimeComing]

Just be becuase he is a good man doesn't mean he is my man.

 

[honeyflaava]

Huh...Never heard this saying? I am seriously curious as to what it means...so that I may use it later...

Actually it's 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.'

Basically it means that you're better off holding on to the sure thing that you have right now rather than choosing something with an uncertain outcome and risk losing everything that you do have. Kind of like how you wouldn't quit your current job just because an interview with another company might lead to a potential new job.

 

[Browndilocks]

I've done this, to a great guy. He just wasn't the man for me. I tried to stick it out because of his great qualities & I knew how much he was into me. Yet the longer I stayed with him trying to overlook the fact that "it" wasnt there, I began to have resentment. Not necessarily against him, but perhaps against the lie I was living. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him or resent him so I did us both a favor and let it go.

 

[ElegantPearl17]

Been there and done that! I was hard as heck, but the best decision for both of us.

 

[Shun34]

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bushel.

It is better to be in a relationship with a good man who adores you than to be alone waiting for the "perfect man" who may not ever come.

I'd say keep that good man and be happy with him.

 

[Connie]

It is better to be in a relationship with a good man who adores you than to be alone waiting for the "perfect man" who may not ever come.

I'd say keep that good man and be happy with him.

This is much easier said than done. Speaking from experience. Worst mistake I made was getting into a relationship with a man I didn't love just because he adored me. I'm not one of those women a man can grow on, unfortunately.

 

[YankeeCandle]

kurly, from your post--which describes the man as "excellent" and us as "in love with him"--it sounds like you mean everything internal (his character, your love for him, his love for you) is well.

That tells me you are talking about external circumstances or environment not aligning, such that the union is not ideal (or at least gives you pause).

Am I understanding correctly? I think the clarification will help people in their answers.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I had to do it. I knew I couldnt give him the love he'll need. So I let him go. It was hard and sometimes I still feel bad but it was for the best. Why stay together when you know you'll eventually make each other miserable?

 

[Transformer]

I think its all about timing. Perceptions and expectations changes through out life. Many times folks have the "romantic" notion of what's perfect or right for them instead of looking at the person's true character traits. Again it's the 80-20 rule that is discussed a lot--I believe this because I don't think at any given moment, the perfect man exists for anyone. It also greatly influenced by prior relationships.

My first boss, when I was 15 1/2 years old....was this 18 year old dorky guy, very smart, raised well, decent looking, but didn't meet the "street wise/wordly thug/manly-man" some women are looking for. I guess he would have been considered a bit of a geek. 8 years later he moved to D.C. met a woman that saw his potential....within the next 10 years moved their start-up business to one that grosses nearly a billion dollars a year.

The same traits are still there, the dorkiness is down to a mininum but he dresses a lot better. He's a bit smoother in his conversations for business purposes but has become one of the best fathers, husbands, and savvy business man I know. Suddenly, a lot of women are attracted to him. He wife states that she's so glad he was too geeky for other women.

I had lunch with him and a bunch of folks from our town yesterday. Now to tell you the truth, given all that, even if we weren't committed to other people....I still wouldn't be attracted to him. But I think that's because we've known each other since I was 7--he hired me at 15 because of our friendship.

 

[Makenzie]

It is better to be in a relationship with a good man who adores you than to be alone waiting for the "perfect man" who may not ever come.

I'd say keep that good man and be happy with him.

It's not about wanting a perfect man. It's about wanting a man that you click with, have chemistry with, look forward to seeing, etc...

He may be a good man, but not for you. I had a couple men interested in me that were wonderful. But I felt absolutely nothing romantic for them. It wasn't fair to them and definitely not to me to keep a relationship going with them.

 

[Rastafarai]

Currently going through this. I had a good man, a great man, but given my superficial standards of what I thought to believe was the BEST man (must be degreed, have collateral/assets, financially independent), I pushed him away.

Societal standards and expectations of others informed and shaped my own standards and as a result, I dumped him. My loss.

 

[Raspberry]

Some women are cool with the "any good man will do" mentality and others aren't *shrugs* It's really about what your life goals are and weighing the pros and cons. I really can't tolerate a man in my space who I don't have the potential to love and admire deeply, I don't see the purpose outside of the status symbol.

 

[Raspberry]

Currently going through this. I had a good man, a great man, but given my superficial standards of what I thought to believe was the BEST man (must be degreed, have collateral/assets, financially independent), I pushed him away.

Societal standards and expectations of others informed and shaped my own standards and as a result, I dumped him. My loss.

I think this is a valid scenario, but still hard to define as a rule. Do you feel your lives could have merged together successfully despite some shortcomings?

YankeeCandle has it right when she speaks of external vs. internal factors. It's absolutely ok to reject a man based on internal factors, but rejecting him because external expectations and appearances should be weighed carefully IMO.

 

[Rastafarai]

I think this is a valid scenario, but still hard to define as a rule. Do you feel your lives could have merged together successfully despite some shortcomings?

YankeeCandle has it right when she speaks of external vs. internal factors. It's absolutely ok to reject a man based on internal factors, but rejecting him because external expectations and appearances should be weighed carefully IMO.

Absolutely. He loved me for all that I was, flaws and all. He was and still is a wonderful human being. Unfortunately I found ways to convince myself that he was not the man for me given external factors. I didn't begin appreciating the man for who he is until after the split. But I was a minute too late because someone else snatched him up in a hurry.

External factors can change. Internal factors and the man that he is cannot. I just did not see this.

 

[awhyley]

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bushel.

Not in this case, if that bird isn't the right bird.

It is better to be in a relationship with a good man who adores you than to be alone waiting for the "perfect man" who may not ever come.

I'd say keep that good man and be happy with him.

How can you be happy with a man that you're not attracted to? This is what I've seen women who don't want to be alone do to reason their involvement in relationships with men that they don't want. Don't get me wrong, men do it too (alot), but its not worth it.

 

[Raspberry]

How can you be happy with a man that you're not attracted to? This is what I've seen women who don't want to be alone do to reason their involvement in relationships with men that they don't want. Don't get me wrong, men do it too (alot), but its not worth it.

Thats what I'm sayin.. it's all good at first when you have the status and apparent stability, but you still gotta wake up day after day next to that person, come home after work, cook, take care of kids.. smell their farts, have sex when you don't feel like it. Status and Christmas family pics don't comfort you at night or give you that good lovin'..just bein real. I would slowly go insane. Men are even worse when they marry for the status quo, they stay cheatin whether emotionally or sexually.


Again, some people still think the pros outweigh the cons in these situations. Just not me.

 

[Transformer]

Would all the women that have found the "PERFECT" man for them...please raise your hand!

 

[YankeeCandle]

Rasta, I'm so sorry you went through that. But thank you for sharing it, because I think your words have wisdom that can help others.

Your situation was exactly the type of one I was thinking of when kurly posted, but we could just as easily be talking about ethnic/cultural differences, being from two different denominations of the same religion that believe similarly but are socially divided, wide age differences...you get the picture.

Ultimately, the latter are externally-driven concerns, no matter how important they may be to us. I utterly acknowledge and respect people's driving urge for aligmment in these matters; they are no less dear to us just because they are "external."

So, yes, OP, there are absolutely situations in which everything on the inside--his heart, his mind, your heart, and your heart and mind with his---can be solid gold, but it's the outside factors that drove you away or apart.

 

[aribell]

Thats what I'm sayin.. it's all good at first when you have the status and apparent stability, but you still gotta wake up day after day next to that person, come home after work, cook, take care of kids.. smell their farts, have sex when you don't feel like it. Status and Christmas family pics don't comfort you at night or give you that good lovin'..just bein real. I would slowly go insane. Men are even worse when they marry for the status quo, they stay cheatin whether emotionally or sexually.

Again, some people still think the pros outweigh the cons in these situations. Just not me.

ITA! I've done this--let go of a good man because he wasn't right for me--and it took me a while to give myself permission to do so. I wasn't really attracted to him, but deeper than that I just had to look at the big picture 5, 10, 15 years down the road and realize that I in no wise wanted to be bound to him for the rest of my life. Going on dates, sure, but I didn't want to wake up next to him, have his children, hang out with his friends, etc. We just didn't connect in a way that would make meshing our lives make sense.

I think it is about having your druthers. For some, just having the security of marriage is
enough to outweigh the other stuff. Personally, I see too much I could do as a single person to bind myself to someone I wasn't positive would enhance my life.

I also remember doing something similar with a guy from high school. And while I really underappreciated him then (which I told him), I didn't feel bad when he got married and started a family. He's a credit to black men everywhere, but we just didn't make sense.

This is my pov at a time at which children are not on my mind. Perhaps women change their tune when having babies becomes paramount.

 

[Xerxes]

ITA! I've done this--let go of a good man because he wasn't right for me--and it took me a while to give myself permission to do so. I
wasn't really attracted to him, but deeper than that I just had to look at the big picture 5, 10, 15 years down the road and realize that I in no wise wanted to be bound to him for the rest of my life. Going on dates, sure, but I didn't want to wake up next to him, have his children, hang out with his friends, etc. We just didn't connect in a way that would make meshing our lives make sense.

I think it is about having your druthers. For some, just having the security of marriage is
enough to outweigh the other stuff. Personally, I see too much I could do as a single person to bind myself to someone I wasn't positige would enhance my life.

I also remember doing something similar with a guy from high school. And while I really underappreciated him then (which I told him), I didn't feel bad when he got married and started a family. He's a credit to black men everywhere, but we just didn't make sense.

This is my pov at a time at which children are not on my mind. Perhaps women change their tune when having babies becomes paramount.

AMEN to your whole post!

I have felt the same way. Good is not good enough for me, I want excellence.

Most of the times the guy has nearly all of my requirements, but the problem is that he physically is completely unappealing to me. Even my dad said don't bring home any ugly grandchildren! LOL

Smart, successful people are usually on the less attractive side. At least women can get weave, push-up bras, lose weight and wear make-up. However, an unattractive guy can rarely be helped.

 

[metro_qt]

I've done this, to a great guy. He just wasn't the man for me. I tried to stick it out because of his great qualities & I knew how much he was into me. Yet the longer I stayed with him trying to overlook the fact that "it" wasnt there, I began to have resentment. Not necessarily against him, but perhaps against the lie I was living. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him or resent him so I did us both a favor and let it go.

I've done this, and the resentment grew until i resented him too.

A bird in the hand is DEFINITELY NOT worth two in the bush...
When I 'broke up' with him... or stopped seeing him, i was actually very relieved.

He, however, was the sweetest man i've dated in a long while... so i definitely know he'll be great for someone. just not me.

 

[metro_qt]

Other thoughts... dating that man, i realized.. why am *I* settling? Do i really want to live my life in that manner?

Also, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you like it if you knew that your man thought that he was SETTLING to be with you, or didn't love you as much as you loved him?

 

[Seraphina]

I'd say keep that good man and be happy with him.

But what if you're not happy with him? What if you have different goals, religious differences that no one will compromise or are so not attracted to him that you can't enjoy intimacy with him, etc? Sometimes it's just bad timing and aren't able to be a good partner athe moment. My point is just that a good man is not guaranteed to make you happy.

I very recently broke it off with a man who is a "good guy" on paper. He went to one of the most prestigious schools on a full scholarship (so no student debt), has a very lucrative job, is in the process of buying a house, spoiled me, etc. But there ended up being serious problems that I won't get into. I'll just say they were dealbreakers. However, those dealbreakers could work with someone else who is on the same page as him. He will surely make a woman happy someday, but I would never have been happy wtb him.

 

[Rastafarai]

AMEN to your whole post!

I have felt the same way. Good is not good enough for me, I want excellence.

Most of the times the guy has nearly all of my requirements, but the problem is that he physically is completely unappealing to me. Even my dad said don't bring home any ugly grandchildren! LOL

Smart, successful people are usually on the less attractive side. At least women can get weave, push-up bras, lose weight and wear make-up. However, an unattractive guy can rarely be helped.

How are you defining excellence?

It appears you are using artificial measurements to define excellence. And FYI, physically unattractive people can and do make gorgeous children.

 

[Transformer]

We use to say, " I'm not just ready for ".... I don't think for most people the dissatisfaction is about looks....I think it's been about feelings. Some really do expect fireworks, explosions, and violins to play.

Life is about the journey...so it's fine to continue traveling.