Just not meant to be?

[drappedup]

So, I've been steadily losing determination. I've had small bouts before, since I've started this "mission" of caring for my own hair, but lately.....kind of toward late September, I have definitely found myself quite genuinely less and less interested in co-washing so often, protective styling, etc. because I have kind of concluded it is a lot of trouble for little to no pay off. Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I kind of realize that there are just some people who are not meant to have longer hair, or certain styles, etc. no matter what kind of effort. So, is it really worth putting yourself through all of the trouble? I can't be the only one who has pondered this.

Next month it will be a year since my last relaxer. The only major improvement I am proud to have made is no more breakage and the slight growth in the back where the breakage occurred. And that break through happened within the first couple months of taking care of my own hair. So it's been a while since I've seen change. Which leads me to believe this is where I'm supposed to be, no matter what. So why am I walking around like a fool in stupid buns, scared to flat iron or relax my hair, when my hair is about the same exact length as it was when I was so-called doing these "damaging" acts to it? It hardly makes any sense. At this point, it makes more sense to use relaxers/flat irons/etc., have the same length anyway, and at least get to have my hair down. I have tried to not be negative, but the more I think, the more weeks go by, the more I just conclude I'm wasting my time with all this cowash, protective styling, etc. nonsense. I am missing my tracks now lately more than ever. Very little is stopping me at this point. Probably just the pride of having gone 11 months on my own, lol. But that line is thinning. I guess I'm just having a major and extended period of questioning WHY AM I DOING THIS? perplexed

Has anyone gone through this? How do you decide what to do? Did you overcome it? Can you?

 

[Chaosbutterfly]

Aw, girl...you sound so discouraged.
I've felt the same thing, but only for a week or two...never for a really prolonged period. I get over it by looking at my hair inspirations and past progress pictures. I'm not kidding, but putting a towel or sheet on my head and swinging it around like hair helps too, although I'm thinking of getting a wig for that. The towel looks crazy. The main point is that I know that I want long hair...I've wanted it since I was a little kid, and it's a real possibility for me. That's what keeps me going. And believe it or not, it's a real possibility for you too. I believe that unless a person has an actual health problem where they can't grow hair, then everyone can have at least APL - BSL hair.
It's all about figuring out what you want, and then putting a plan in place to get it.

So first, decide if you want long hair or not, and decide if you'd rather have it growing from your scalp or not. I mean...you're asking why you're doing this...the obvious answer would be because you want that end result of long, healthy hair. And if you realize that no, you don't want long hair or rather, you don't want to deal with the work of growing it out, well then...that's that. Long hair isn't for everyone, and a hair journey isn't for everyone either, because both are hard work and require time, patience and dedication. The time thing is taken care of...assuming that you stay alive, years are gonna pass regardless of what you do. But the patience and dedication are harder to come up with, and I'm not mad at you for deciding that you don't have them and can't dredge them up.

Now, assuming that you still want to grow your hair out, my first piece of advice would be to go to a doctor and get a full work-up, including blood work. Make sure that they check your thyroid hormone levels, because hypo or hyperthyroidism can have a huge effect on your hair and keep you from seeing progress.

If you get a clean bill of health, the next thing would be to tackle your regimen. I don't know what it's looking like (some insight on that would be helpful, lol) but it seems that you're exhausted by it and feeling like it's too much work. When your reggie feels like that, you may just need to pare it down. You mentioned co-washing often, but if that's something that irritates you, then don't do it. You don't have to co-wash to keep your hair moist. Baggying or just moisturizing and sealing daily can keep your hair moist on a day to day basis, and are simpler than co-washing. By identifying and cutting out things that are wearing you out in your reggie, you can make your hair care journey more enjoyable.

You also mentioned that you haven't relaxed in 11 months. But are you trying to transition to natural, or are you just stretching? Either way, it sounds like you want to relax or at least use heat to straighten your hair. If that's what you want, then you should do it. I think around here, those two get demonized, but they really aren't the debil. You can use heat or relaxer and have healthy long hair, as long as you don't use either to excess. And if you haven't used heat in the past 11 months, I'd encourage you to get some heat protectant and straighten your hair allll the way out. You may be very pleasantly surprised by what you see.

I hope something in there helped...it's 2 am, and I don't know why I'm not sleeping.
Also, I think if you posted your regimen, and some pictures, you would get more like...specialized advice from some of the regimen experts out there.

 

[dany06]

Drappedup dont feel so down. I know all too well how you feel. Just listen to what your hair likes and let that lead you in the direction of hair care. Sometimes following others regimens, product suggestions and techniques just wont work for you. Like Chaosbutterfly mentioned if you dont find co-washing beneficial then stop doing it. And if you want to straighten your hair then go ahead. For darn near 4 years I followed advice on here like it was the gospel. This led me down many paths that were not all beneficial to me. Once I took the time to pay attention to what I like then everything has become smooth sailing. Seriously, this past year has been awesome for my hair. I stopped carring about growing my hair out long. My main concern was about keeping my hair "healthy" and having style. Once I achieved that it just seemed to grow along with it.

I would also like to mention that if your hair is the same length as when it was damaged a year ago , then it sounds like you have breakage. That is if you haven't been trimming along the way. Im guessing that it really is just shrinkage you are having since you havent relaxed in forever.

 

[Nayna]

I also wanted to point out that everyone's hair journey is unique to them. Years of doing your hair one way isn't going to change in 11 months. It takes time and consistency. If that's not what you want to do right now then so be it but I don't think 11 months is enough time to say OK my hair just isn't going to make it. When I started my hair journey at first I saw small results then I saw nothing for over a year. Very little growth. I was SL when I started in 2009. I'm only now hitting BSL. I saw no length that first year. It started thickening up slowly but surely but it wasn't much to write home about. But I stuck with it because at the end of the day this was surely better for my hair as opposed to what I was doing to it before.

Also, going back to flatirons and relaxing doesn't mean that you can't still take care of your hair. You can still have healthy relaxed hair. I don't get why you would suddenly stop caring for it just cus it's relaxed.

 

[LittleLuxe]

I agree with a lot of chaosbutterfly said but I also think you need to re-evaluate your regimen. It sounds like it's annoying or a hassle for you and that's probably the problem. There's no one perfect way to do your hair and what's more important is you're comfortable while doing what is healthy. You don't need to co-wash often nor do you need to do what has worked for others, it's all about finding a path which is convenient. Unless you're trying to transition I think you've stretched your relaxer enough (more than probably, lol) so start doing little adaptions that makes your hair less of a struggle.

As you slowly improve your regimen you'll really be able to see whether it's slow growth or breakage that's holding you back. Good luck!

 

[Americka]

A healthy hair journey is very similar to a healthy life journey. We are presented with troubles and obstacles along the way. Do we give in or do we find a way to overcome them? When our lives become overwhelming, do we quit or do we eliminate what is overwhelming us? Our HHJ should be dealt with in the same manner. Our hair changes which means we must change our approach as well as our regimens. If we are not fluid in that approach, then we are most certainly setting ourselves up for failure.

 

[jerseygurl]

I usually don't reply to threads like this but I feel the discouragement just oozing from your post OP. My suggestion to you would be to start with a simple regimen:

Washing and DCing at least once or twice a week with good quality products. Especially, deep conditioners should be thick and creamy not watery. Invest in a good hood dryer if you don't have one already. Get a very good moisturizer for after washing your hair and if your hair like oils then go for it.

Like Chaos asked are you stretching or transitioning? One word about transitioning, if you cannot deal with new growth then you are not ready to transition. I am transitioning right now (10 months post) and I had to think long and hard about being ready for the journey ahead. My advice would be that if you are thinking a lot about straightening or relaxing then DO IT! Don't think about what other people may think, they are not going through the same journey as you are.

But before you relax or straighten, why not weave it up or braid it so you can forget about it for a while. It gives you some time to think about what if you want to be natural or relaxed and get products that will start a simple regimen.

Please post pics and your regimen so we can help. I hate to read pots like this because I know that our hair can grow. I am a testament to that, my hair grew to MBL before I cut it to APL so I could better manage my transition. The knowledge I've gained here has changed the way I look at my hair. And I think I can speak for Chaos and Nayna cos I've watched their hair grow too.

So in essence what I'm saying is don't give up, come back and talk to us and let's help you.

 

[LushLox]

Remember if you've stretched for that amount of time you are probably seeing a lot of shrinkage. Before you relax perhaps try straightening it. I've had a bit of a shock myself after flat ironing my hair when I'm deep into a stretch just looking at the progress.

I hope it all works out for you!

 

[Chevelure618]

The keys words you use that pop out at me are "all this co-washing, protective styling, buns etc." Has it ever occurred to you that you are doing too much to your hair? Co-washing is NOT for everyone. Protective styling is NOT for everyone. Buns are NOT for everyone. Have you tried an absolute NO MANIPULATION regimen?

Using myself as an example I loved the results Macherieamour got with her roller-setting/blow out roots/saran wrap technique. It just did not work for me. wrapping was a nightmare and it never looked like hers. It looked nice, but there were 2 inch broken pieces in the sink everytime. It just did not work for me.

Please reconsider. Use a simple regimen. Warm Extra-virgin coconut oil. Just that. DeMAT with a seamless, large-tooth comb, DeTANGLE with your fingers and leave it at that. Do bantu knot outs or a simple puff in the back. They look so cute. please don't get discouraged, just change whatyou are doing 180.

 

[ashleymichelle1]

Everyone gets discoraged about their hair at one point or another. This past 3 weeks I have been really annoyed with my hair..and thats because 3 weeks ago I started school..I'm in school all day and when I get home I have to study and do hw...by the time i'm done it's late and the last thing I wanna do is fix my hair. I'm the type of person who changes her hair style all the time. But I decided that right now w/ how busy I am It's best to just keep it very simple. And i'm thinking about maybe getting a weave and hiding my hair for a few months because I know that when I take the weave out I will see alot of progress. Like the ladies above me said you don't have to co-wash, bun or whatever...do what YOU want. If You wanna relax or flat iron go ahead! You havn't done either in 11 months. But my advice is to hide your hair for a while..try a wig or weave for a couple months.

 

[JC-Junkie]

OP, I feel like this sometimes. I definately want to grow my hair longer, but TBH I'm not prepared to be PSing all the time and I want to be able to put my hair in any style I want and enjoy my hair. However every time I look at some of my inspirations, they always mention PSing as one of the key elements of their progress. I wonder whether it's possible to wear my hair how I like and still be able to have healthy, growing hair ? Well we'll see .....

 

[topnotch1010]

I'm also wondering why are you doing those things that make you unhappy?

You don't have to ps, stretch relaxers 47268923 weeks, or even dc 24/7 (like some people suggest) to have long healthy hair. This journey is LIFE LONG so take a few tips and roll with just that. No need to do all that extra stuff that you dread. Find healthy substitutes for your bad habits like rollersetting instead of flat ironing or sew-ins instead of glue in tracks. Personally, my hair did a 180 from just dropping the heat and hair dye.

I hope you can find a happy medium for you and your hair.

 

[jerseygurl]

OP, I feel like this sometimes. I definately want to grow my hair longer, but TBH I'm not prepared to be PSing all the time and I want to be able to put my hair in any style I want and enjoy my hair. However every time I look at some of my inspirations, they always mention PSing as one of the key elements of their progress. I wonder whether it's possible to wear my hair how I like and still be able to have healthy, growing hair ? Well we'll see .....

You don't always have to wear protective styles if you do want to. I grew my hair from SL to MBL with major trims in between and I wasn't really PSing much. I believe in a simple regimen that you can stick to and I try to stick to my once weekly wash and DC sessions cos I found that with transitioning, my hair did not appreciate twice weekly washing.

You need to find a happy medium maybe braids, weaves or wigs so you are Psing but it doesn't feel like it. My issue with PSing is that sometimes I look a HAM in some styles and I'm not that creative.

 

[Vashti]

Like some other ladies said shrinkage can play a big part in why it looks like your hair isn't growing much. For the past two months I haven't seen much progress in length but I have in thickness. I also have a lot of shrinkage. If you make this a lifelong path, like caring for your health your whole life, the progress will come.

 

[drappedup]

I somehow forgot I posed this thread. I have had some time to reflect (actually 100% me thoughts) and have calmed down a bit. I was just really having an off day that day, hair-wise and otherwise. But I do feel kind of tired of it. I just don't feel as cute with my hair up all the time than when I used to have my hair down, etc. I don't know, it's difficult to explain without sounding all annoyingly feminine and sensitive. >.<

Don't get me wrong with daily cowashing.....I LOVE COWASHING. It's honestly probably my favorite hair-related activity, lol. I feel like my hair likes it too. But as months go by, and my hair gets thicker and thicker with my natural chunks of frizzed curls, it's just becoming harder to handle afterward. It was just easier a couple months back when my hair was still more "chemical", I guess. I just hate having to figure out how I'm going to fix up my hair to look good for work! I feel like it's daunting. And of course there's the whole missing my hair down thing. I also pretty much am very limited in the type of styles I can do because I'm enlisted. My job is pretty public too, and because I see a lot of officers and stuff day-to-day I'm supposed to look professional. Buns are generally what is encouraged. I like buns, I liked wet bunning, but as months have gone by, I'm feeling like it's harder for me to wet bun without still struggling to keep a sleek look. My hair is just too thick. And though it's always been thick it was at least altered by chemicals so it was easier.

I think you guys hit the nail on the head with the whole transitioning thing. I vowed after my last relaxer that I would NEVER do it again. Not after the awful experience I ended up with. But now that it's nearly a year later, I'm thinking about it. I have been flat ironing weekly/semi-weekly/whenever I wash/etc. and even that is a pain to me. It takes me forever. I do see a difference in my hair, don't get me wrong, my hair is softer several sections of hair I could never grow (i.e., some old bangs and my nape hair) have GROWN A TON. The hair on the bottom back of my hair especially has grown so much, and I don't pay any particular attention. When flat ironed, it's SL like most of my hair aside from 2 small pieces which are past SL (which is growth.....)

I do have some "progress" pictures", but I'm pretty bad at taking pictures of the back of my head in general lol. I will upload them from my camera and post a few. I feel so silly posting pics when I see everyone else with their awesome styled hair, as if done by a stylist. I suck at styling hair btw, just always have.

I don't know if I ever want to return to a stylist, and returning to relaxers would force me to do just that. My last experience has been kind of.... traumatizing, honestly. I'm so paranoid about my hair regressing that I don't think I'd trust any stylist, lol. And I don't know how to self-relax. Right now as a short-term, until I regroup and form a new plan, I'm going to flat iron......

 

[drappedup]

Also, my reggie for a while has been:

-daily cowash 2-3 times a week, moisturize and seal with oil, wet bun (leave in bun until next co wash, which was 2 days or so usually)
-possibly moisturize sometime throughout the following day because my thick hair feels dry fast, after 10-12 hours of heat (I presume the AZ heat also plays a factor)
-I also sleep with a satin scarf and pillow cases
-shampoo then deep condition once a week with light heat cap for drying and then wet bunning

That's the basic gist. For co-washes I've been using Suave and Skala a lot. And for DC's I've been using NTM, Skala, Mane N' tail for protein, etc. For daily moisturizing I....switch a lot. I still haven't found one I'm true to. For a while it was Pantene Breakage Strength Cream then Mega Silk's moisturizer then S-Curl (all 3 are awesome imo), but I still haven't found a true match.

Honestly, I think my biggest thing to decide is the whole transition vs relaxed thing. Now that it's very close to being a year later, I have a lot to reflect on. I don't know WHAT I'm going to do.

Thank you to every one of you ladies. You don't know how much I appreciate the answers. Really, do.