Job loss for the MAN?

[hopeful]

I would complain. If you and your hubby work hard to ensure that your kid focuses on just being a kid and enjoying her childhood, the teacher has no right to impose upon your kid any matter that concerns adults (e.g., marital problems). I would be hella pissed. I enjoyed my childhood and any "adult" situations regarding layoffs, bills not paid, etc. were never brought to my attention. I was not privy to the realities of life until I became an adult. I hate when adults do that. Childhood is short enough without adults encouraging kids to deal with situations that should not concern them.

Thank you Holla. I just spoke to the assistant principal and he said she had certainly crossed the lines and that he would talk to her on Monday. He said that they had her take the day off today. He seemed concerned, said it was inappropriate and crossed professional boundaries. Like I said there was even more stuff that would be upsetting even to an adult. I'm glad I brought it to his attention. Okay didn't mean to derail...carry on ladies.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Zaynab what are your thoughts?

 

[Farida]

Marriage is a partnership of two imperfect people who vowed for better or for worse. At one point or the other in the relationship, whether now or 50 years down the line one or both of you will hit rock bottom. You made a vow and commitment and when your better half is down, you pick up the slack. He would and should do the same for you. If your first instinct is to cut and run, or to look at if based on, "me, me, me, me," then you need not get married. Marriage is not for the weak.

There's a difference between letting a man just be lazy and irresponsible and helping your DH when he is in a tough spot. Most people become depressed when they lose their jobs; especially men because they tend to find so much value in what they DO and it defines and controls them. Also, society has done a great job of making men feel worthless if they are not working. For example, if the wife was a SAHM and DH gets laid off and she goes back to work and he takes care of the home and the kids he is ridiculed. Yet, that is a valuable service and a reversal of roles.

So, if your DH is depressed as a good wife, notice the signs and then try and offer the support necessary to move on. Others do just get lazy and need a swift kick in the *** from you or from family or male mentors. And sometimes it takes time and in the meantime life sucks. But he will either pull out of it or not. If he doesn't, you go from there and figure out your options. Your first reaction cannot be to jump ship when the going gets tough. Otherwise there is no point to for better or for worse. Especially if you married well. If you married a deadbeat then this is not a circumstantial issue; it's his character and you made a mistake. You cannot change him. But if you picked a good man you need to believe that good man is still in there, he just needs helping getting back to himself.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I'm assuming he is a pretty decent man and that's why I'm with him to begin with. If that is the case then I would hold down the fort till he got back on his feet.

Saw my mother do it twice when my father had two major layoffs in his career. One in Kenya and one in the US. If she didn't do it both times, we would have suffered greatly. It was so seamless that we never even noticed any changes in our lifestyle. That is why it is important as a woman to have your own safety net whether you are a SAHW or not. Life happens and you have to be prepared whether he makes $10K or $1M a yr.

Pops is way more educated but extremely shy and socially awkward. He's also very proud so the job loss almost sent him into a deep depression. Mum has better networking skills and is a super extrovert. She immediately went into survival mode. She paid the bills, networked his behind in to high paying jobs while doing little things like cooking his favorite food to make him feel special. Once he started working she went right back to paying for food and he picked up the tab for the rest of the stuff and life continued.

My father favorite statement to his sons was "Without your mother, I would be nothing, so pick wisely?"

Your father is a smart man . This dynamic reminds me of my parents in some ways. I love and admire them so much, they really, truly are a team. Nothing and no one gets between the two of them .

I also appreciate how open they have been to me about some of their challenges, because I have been able to learn from their mistakes. IMO its also important to know how to navigate sensitive situations like the above, and not just if he loses his job. I've seen it many times where the man starts out as the breadwinner, but the couple finds themselves in a situation where the wife earns significantly more than the husband. It doesn't have to be him losing a job, maybe you start a side business that ends up taking off or your career ascension is more rapid than his.

We talk a lot about "weak" men, I've seen women do a lot that contributed to the situation, where they made it unnecessarily difficult for a man to assert himself as a leader in the household. No one in the home could ever have any peace. It really messes up the boys. I have a few male friends who grew up in this dynamic and it effed them up when it comes to women. Its going to be very hard for them to find a nice, stable marriage.

 

[Priss Pot]

Marriage is a partnership of two imperfect people who vowed for better or for worse. At one point or the other in the relationship, whether now or 50 years down the line one or both of you will hit rock bottom. You made a vow and commitment and when your better half is down, you pick up the slack. He would and should do the same for you. If your first instinct is to cut and run, or to look at if based on, "me, me, me, me," then you need not get married. Marriage is not for the weak.

There's a difference between letting a man just be lazy and irresponsible and helping your DH when he is in a tough spot. Most people become depressed when they lose their jobs; especially men because they tend to find so much value in what they DO and it defines and controls them. Also, society has done a great job of making men feel worthless if they are not working. For example, if the wife was a SAHM and DH gets laid off and she goes back to work and he takes care of the home and the kids he is ridiculed. Yet, that is a valuable service and a reversal of roles.

So, if your DH is depressed as a good wife, notice the signs and then try and offer the support necessary to move on. Others do just get lazy and need a swift kick in the *** from you or from family or male mentors. And sometimes it takes time and in the meantime life sucks. But he will either pull out of it or not. If he doesn't, you go from there and figure out your options. Your first reaction cannot be to jump ship when the going gets tough. Otherwise there is no point to for better or for worse. Especially if you married well. If you married a deadbeat then this is not a circumstantial issue; it's his character and you made a mistake. You cannot change him. But if you picked a good man you need to believe that good man is still in there, he just needs helping getting back to himself.

Girl, you're preaching over here. I can't fathom some of the responses in this thread, but I guess that's why we're all wired differently. Different strokes for different folks, and ain't no way I'm letting go of mine knowing his potential. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid. If he lost this job, I'm pretty confident he would be able to find another based off his current company's name alone. And then considering the area we live in, too. I don't care how much ego stroking I have to do; I'm gonna give 100% emotional stability to keep him going. Even now, I'm quick to put that bug in his ear to go network and make contacts with other people in his field who work at other tech companies. You never know when you will need them. Hell, even I carry a couple of his business cards in my wallet just in case I come across someone, and it's worked to where folks have reached out to him to chat or hang out Marriage is a partnership, and I will help him any way I can.

 

[Zaynab]

Zaynab what are your thoughts?

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and it wasn't pretty.

Marriage IS work. You aren't always winning. Most things can be worked out and supported through. If he always provided before, why bounce now? There is a difference between a man who refuses to work, loses multiple jobs, never provided versus one who suffers a job loss. If so wife loses her job, the expectation is, she is supported and given sympathy. If a husband does, nah girl leave. Men are pretty insecure so they feel the emasculating of a woman taking over the finance, working, etc immediately . And it's easy to then feel resentful and disrespectful towards him. You either support him or temporarily move as not to exacerbate the situation. Because you will feel you are superior , he will feel disrespected as a man, which is not what wives are called to do. Our grandparents didn't give up easily but there is a new age thinking that says if it's not 100 ALL the time you bounce. Give him job leads, give encouragement and be a team player. No need to ask outsiders what you should do or complain about him not working. At the end if the day, a marriage is very personal, you commit to your commitment or you don't.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[chronicity]

If my current BF lost his job, I would stand by him because I'm confident he would have the wherewith all to do what he needed to do. Even if he fell into a depression and bummed around in the house for a while, it is unlikely I'd give up on him quickly. Because I'd trust him to eventually work through those blues and pull his weight the best way he can. If I didn't trust him to do that, then it is unlikely I would be with him.

The idea of having a SAHD doesn't bother me either.

My ex, on the other hand, is my ex in part because I seriously questioned how well he could hustle himself into a decent job if he became unemployed. And it's not as though he'd ever been unemployed when we were together; the risk alone had me concerned because of what his personality and maturity level suggested. And what do you know, the last time I spoke with my ex he was jobless and aimless. He's a nice person and I feel bad for him, but I'm relieved his struggle isn't mine.

So it definitely depends on the man. I wouldn't recommend getting married to someone if you doubt they have the emotional or mental ability to fight unemployment, especially if supportiveness is not a thing that comes easy for you.

 

[vani]

Marriage is a partnership of two imperfect people who vowed for better or for worse. At one point or the other in the relationship, whether now or 50 years down the line one or both of you will hit rock bottom. You made a vow and commitment and when your better half is down, you pick up the slack. He would and should do the same for you. If your first instinct is to cut and run, or to look at if based on, "me, me, me, me," then you need not get married. Marriage is not for the weak.

There's a difference between letting a man just be lazy and irresponsible and helping your DH when he is in a tough spot. Most people become depressed when they lose their jobs; especially men because they tend to find so much value in what they DO and it defines and controls them. Also, society has done a great job of making men feel worthless if they are not working. For example, if the wife was a SAHM and DH gets laid off and she goes back to work and he takes care of the home and the kids he is ridiculed. Yet, that is a valuable service and a reversal of roles.

So, if your DH is depressed as a good wife, notice the signs and then try and offer the support necessary to move on. Others do just get lazy and need a swift kick in the *** from you or from family or male mentors. And sometimes it takes time and in the meantime life sucks. But he will either pull out of it or not. If he doesn't, you go from there and figure out your options. Your first reaction cannot be to jump ship when the going gets tough. Otherwise there is no point to for better or for worse. Especially if you married well. If you married a deadbeat then this is not a circumstantial issue; it's his character and you made a mistake. You cannot change him. But if you picked a good man you need to believe that good man is still in there, he just needs helping getting back to himself.

Farida

What a great post. You really nailed it!

 

[Holla]

A guy friend told me a story about his friend. The guy was unemployed for a couple of months. He went grocery shopping with his wife. He reached for some juice or something that cost a bit more than their now reduced budget would normally allow for. His wife snapped and went off on him about how he wasn't working and why would he get that at a time like this …yada, yada. He put the juice back. He got a job some months/weeks later. After he got the new job, he left his wife. He reminded her about the juice incident and told her about how bad she made him feel over the whole incident and about not being able to provide at that moment.


I'll remember that story.... THAT plus when a preacher said that when a husband is down on his luck or getting on your last nerve, that wives should be even more loving to their husbands. He stated that is when men need it the most. He pointed out that women tend to pull back during those times but they should not.

 

[hopeful]

There are many options: stay and support, encourage, help; stay and trust that he can and will figure things out without your help; stay and be a pain in the butt by complaining, nagging, hassling him etc.; stay and completely take over his job search; stay and work more and make more money; or leave I guess, but I've never known anyone to do this, only contemplate leaving.

Lots of ways to deal with this. I've seen several women go through this and it can be awful. How a woman handles this situation is very personal. I will say also that people partner differently. What one couple sees as perfect partnering might seem odd to another couple. Also partnering changes too as people evolve, mature, and change.

I would never tell my dh I ain't helping you, you figure it out, but there are situations where I will not help unless he pointedly asks me because honestly he can figure most things out himself. And even though sometimes it will look like he is lost for a few days sometimes or even weeks, he almost always figures things out on his own and always seems very proud, extra proud when he does so. We've never dealt specifically with the out of work situation but life presents all types of dilemmas that challenge couples and families.

Some men are proud that their wife worked an extra job, others would feel embarrassed. Some men would love their wife to rework their resume while others simply don't need that kind of help. For some good partnering is in the face of challenges simply loving him the same and trusting him to handle things and figure things out. Some men would be like why are you being all extra, I'm fine and we are going to be fine. Some men more easily fall into depression and need support. Some men are more resourceful, smarter, mentally stronger than others. Some men really need more help than others and that is okay too. Point is every man, woman, and couple is different. Sometimes unhealthy, cruel stuff is going on, but sometimes it's just different from what you know, understand, and experience.

 

[hopeful]

A guy friend told me a story about his friend. The guy was unemployed for a couple of months. He went grocery shopping with his wife. He reached for some juice or something that cost a bit more than their now reduced budget would normally allow for. His wife snapped and went off on him about how he wasn't working and why would he get that at a time like this …yada, yada. He put the juice back. He got a job some months/weeks later. After he got the new job, he left his wife. He reminded her about the juice incident and told her about how bad she made him feel over the whole incident and about not being able to provide at that moment.


I'll remember that story.... THAT plus when a preacher said that when a husband is down on his luck or getting on your last nerve, that wives should be even more loving to their husbands. He stated that is when men need it the most. He pointed out that women tend to pull back during those times but they should not.

It hurt me just reading that. To me that is petty. Fussing at a man over some stupid juice that maybe cost a couple dollars more.

 

[LiftedUp]

After he got the new job, he left his wife. He reminded her about the juice incident and told her about how bad she made him feel over the whole incident and about not being able to provide at that moment.

So he couldn't just talk to her about it and let him know how he felt. She was under stress having to feed his mouth on one income. Not that she was right but to get a divorce? How ungrateful.

I think I have to revisit this and go with carcajada on this one

 

[ladysaraii]

So he couldn't just talk to her about it and let him know how he felt. She was under stress having to feed his mouth on one income. Not that she was right but to get a divorce? How ungrateful.

I think I have to revisit this and go with carcajada on this one

Honestly that's how I felt when I read it. I'm not saying she was right to go off, but we don't know what stresses she was feeling. Maybe it just came to a head at that point. It probably had nothing to do with the juice. And I feel some type of way about him staying until he was on his feet and then dumping her.

 

[NotMyMommasBiscuits]

Trying to make this short but failed lol.

I have a couple of real life examples.

My dad was a deadbeat to the ultimate power. This man had the best jobs and the best paying jobs, yet, our household never saw a penny of it because of his habits. He would have a job 2 weeks, get fired for craziness and then get another one, it was a cycle. THIS is the case where you let a n**a go on about his business. But if your man feels and demonstrates a responsibility to his family, generally speaking, this isn't the time to bail out or cut up, no matter how tempting, even if he displays a few annoying, poor habits.

My DH has been unemployed. We have been unemployed at the same time. Life goes on. If I see something I do not like I bring it to his attention but I married him knowing that he has in his heart to provide for his family. The rest, I was willing to work with. Was I walking him through job hunting? NO. If I saw a job opening, I mentioned it, he applied. But when he lost his jobs he took himself to the temp agency THE NEXT DAY ON HIS OWN, and got gigs in between time. We cut back on spending. A few times we even had to borrow money. We sold possessions. But that is fine with me. Because any time we had to sacrifice...when things got better I GOT MORE BACK...in return.

I just feel like there are sooooo many things in this world that married couples are going to deal with. Seriously. If you know you have a good guy (and I think thats the issue, some people got so many personal issues they don't know that they got one, or they end up with a deadbeat anyway and blame it all on the deadbeat)...just "do what you have to do" Really. It does pass. We have been through WAY worse than a job loss in less the 10 years we have been together.

Nobody is perfect and no two couples are built the same. But in general, it all boils down to respect. It gets hard to keep that respect there sometimes when you being tested, sometimes you might wanna kick him out, call him a jobless ****...but you just have to really think about what you will gain or loose during times of trials. Respect isn't about coddling him...if he needs that he needs to holla at his momma! Respect is about knowing when to step forward and knowing when to step back.

 

[NotMyMommasBiscuits]

Honestly that's how I felt when I read it. I'm not saying she was right to go off, but we don't know what stresses she was feeling. Maybe it just came to a head at that point. It probably had nothing to do with the juice. And I feel some type of way about him staying until he was on his feet and then dumping her.

Men are manipulative, in general. We really do not give them enough credit in our efforts to read through what they do or don't do. But, that situation just sounds like more was going on anyway with their marriage.

 

[hopeful]

Men are manipulative, in general. We really do not give them enough credit in our efforts to read through what they do or don't do. But, that situation just sounds like more was going on anyway with their marriage.

I agree. Men can be VERY manipulative. People say they are simple creatures, that is definitely not always the case. I assume that in the story that the juice incident was the straw that broke the camel's back but who knows.

 

[Jmartjrmd]

This reminds me of how in our recent history we started seeing this trend of men killing off themselves and their entire families. A common theme in those murder/suicides was job loss for the man. When a man is used to providing and he can't, when he was a workaholic all his career and then he experiences a job loss, when he was the Jones and everyone was trying to keep up with him, something changes in them mentally. Some men can handle it some can't.

We often asked, why kill off your whole family rather than just leave? After reading some of these responses and my own situation I understand a little bit better. I'm in no way saying murder/suicide is the answer....of course it's not...., that actually hits close to home .

My DH went through a job loss before we got married. He was up every morning looking for work. He applied to every engineering job he could find, went the temp agency way, and even applied to Target. Some mornings he was right out there with the day labor workers in home depots parking lot doing odd jobs (painting etc) while waiting for something to come through. Some jobs he didn't get simply because he was over qualified.

Financially we were fine. Mentally/emotionally it was torture. We postponed our wedding and *I* thought things were good. I won't get into all the details but it all came spiraling to beyond rock bottom when I came home after working to find him in the middle of our living room having attempted suicide.

Now was other stuff going on at that time....yes. The job loss just put things over the top.

I know some will say he was just weak to begin with but that's not the case at all. I still have nightmares about that morning.

I tried everything to support him. My job is extremely portable and I can find work anywhere fairly easily. I offered a temporary move, tried not to dwell on his job loss, etc.

I didn't do it very well and it's a touchy subject, but i tried to present the other aspects of job loss and how it affects men that are used to providing. The last thing they need on top of a job loss is feeling like they have no choices and no support. It's something that can be overcome and temporary. It's really not worth losing your life over.....and really, you don't have to lose your life as in death, to lose your life. I learned that the hard way.

 

[Holla]

Jmartjrmd …. my heart goes out to you.

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[JudithO]

DH lost his job almost a year ago and doesn't have work authorization to work in the US, only stay legally. He was the main provider so yeah, it is rough but it is no grounds for separation, divorce etc... He watches our 15 month old pretty much full time, I'm a PhD student with a part time job. I don't know what we are going to do, we still have a little bit saved + I can get high paying internships in the summer to fatten the bank account enough to carry us another year. 1 day at a time.... This is a time to stick together as a unit though, cos it can be especially trying for marriages.

 

[Holla]

I agree. Men can be VERY manipulative. People say they are simple creatures, that is definitely not always the case. I assume that in the story that the juice incident was the straw that broke the camel's back but who knows.

I was thinking that too. I don't know the rest of their story as I heard about it from another but that did cross my mind.

A woman I know was pissed that her unemployed husband was using entire rolls of paper towels to clean the kitchen. When I heard her telling the story, I kept thinking ……."this is so minor - at least he cleaned the kitchen and using a $2 roll of paper towel is not going to break the bank even once a week." I did sense her frustration though through the example that she shared. For all that she complained about openly, I'm sure there were plenty of things that she was not talking about that really bothered her.

 

[Lilmama1011]

I'm not married either but within a week or two my SO would have a job. he is use to having his own money since 14 and if i'm the only one to have a job at the moment he would feel less of a man and would feel major pressure to find it immediately as well as if I'm not working as well of course lol. but it all depends on how the guy is raised will reflect on how he handles it. my SO was taught to take care of his family and provide. if we were married i would stand by him because i know he would do anything in his power to provide for us