Job loss for the MAN?

[Holla]

I am wondering how women deal with situations where the MAN experiences a temporary job loss or layoff. I have seen different friends handle it differently and I'm not sure what is a GOOD approach. One friend divorced her husband when he took too long (and got too comfortable) with his job search from home all day. Another suggested moving the family to find something better and yet another wife just worked harder to pull in extra income until he got on his feet.

What experience do you have with dealing with your DH and him losing his job?

 

[LovinLea]

Never married, but if he is looking and trying hard and holding down other things in the meantime, I can deal.

I dealt with it with an SO at one point. Losing his dream job caused him to go through a depression. At first, I was so angry and turned off but when I realized he was so depressed that he had stopped showering and caring about anything, I stayed. It was hard but I stayed (until he was out of it).

 

[hopeful]

I am wondering how women deal with situations where the MAN experiences a temporary job loss or layoff. I have seen different friends handle it differently and I'm not sure what is a GOOD approach. One friend divorced her husband when he took too long (and got too comfortable) with his job search from home all day. Another suggested moving the family to find something better and yet another wife just worked harder to pull in extra income until he got on his feet.

What experience do you have with dealing with your DH and him losing his job?

I like the bolded or something along those lines. Preferably not moving, but definitely focused on helping HIM finding another job.

 

[Holla]

I like the bolded or something along those lines. Preferably not moving, but definitely focused on helping HIM finding another job.

That's true. Another friend got her husband an interview at the company where she worked. Now, not only do they work together, but he makes way more than he did at his prior job.

 

[locabouthair]

That's true. Another friend got her husband an interview at the company where she worked. Now, not only do they work together, but he makes way more than he did at his prior job.

I know a couple who did this as well after the DH got laid off.

 

[Desert Skye]

Job loss for men is especially humiliating for them. Its almost as if their manhood is stripped from them it seems. In this case if hubby lost job, but I see he is really trying hard to get back out there while taking any part time job on the side just to get through, I am ok taking on more hours at work/working weekends etc.

I know of a family where the husband lost his good high position paying job. He had to deliver pizzas at night while job searching during the day. They made it out fine. I know some guys would feel working in a high power position to delivering pizzas is below them but he still felt he had to "provide" some type of income for the household while he got back on his feet.

 

[carcajada]

I wouldn't do ****. He would have to go out and find a job on his own. I'm not moving, I'm not getting him no interview, and I'm not working any more than usual. Losing his job is his problem.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Friends have handled it differently.

Two friends with kids (2 v. 3) have SAHD's after the men lost their jobs.
They are both very high earners so they support the family financially.
One husband is going back to work now after being at home for a few years.

Another friend (1 child) worked a bit more while her husband went back to school and started a different career. He has a job in the new field now.

 

[LiftedUp]

I know of a family where the husband lost his good high position paying job. He had to deliver pizzas at night while job searching during the day. They made it out fine. I know some guys would feel working in a high power position to delivering pizzas is below them but he still felt he had to "provide" some type of income for the household while he got back on his feet.

I respect this man so much!

Our carpenter was out of work so he turned to his skill, carpentry. Now he has regained a full-time job but he hired an employee and doesn't carpentry on the side. The quality of his work is excellent btw!

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

My bf is a gov contractor and about 2 months ago his project lost funding. He was out of work for a month. I did my best to encourage him(which he didn't need much of), I had him come over and update his resume so he could post it online(he owns multiple CPUs but I wanted him to have company-me-while he did it), and although he wanted to go out for date I told him 'no, you're not working. Lets stay in, cook together(which we enjoy doing), and watch a movie at home'. He fought me at first but then agreed.

An actually yesterday he said something like he knew he loved me when he was out of work and I was so understanding and didn't mind staying in.

I'm glad his unemployment only lasted a month....I'm not sure how'd I'd deal if it were long term.

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

I wouldn't do ****. He would have to go out and find a job on his own. I'm not moving, I'm not getting him no interview, and I'm not working any more than usual. Losing his job is his problem.

0_o. Ummmm wow.

 

[SmileyNY]

We (and by "we" I mean mostly he lol) have enough savings to sustain job loss for either or even both of us for a while.

However, even if he lost his day job, he would still have a good amount of income due to his real estate investments.

I wouldn't sweat it too much.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I wouldn't do ****. He would have to go out and find a job on his own. I'm not moving, I'm not getting him no interview, and I'm not working any more than usual. Losing his job is his problem.

Wow. Um. What is the shoe was on the other foot. I guess you wouldn't expect him to provide you with any assistance or support if you lost your job?

carcajada - Would you at least provide any emotional support? Sometimes it's not always about the tangible things...I actually think that might be somewhat emasculating to hook up your man with a job/job interview...but being their to encourage him in the process...I think that that might be worth a lot.

 

[Briabiggles]

I wouldn't do ****. He would have to go out and find a job on his own. I'm not moving, I'm not getting him no interview, and I'm not working any more than usual. Losing his job is his problem.

Either spouse losing their job is the problem of the whole family. You shouldn't even get married of you're going to have that attitude when the going gets tough

Sent from my iPad mini mini.

 

[MizAvalon]

I would do whatever it took. From helping him update his resume, helping him find temporary work, bringing in more income myself, etc.

When you're married, you're a team and you do whatever it takes to make sure your team wins. If you aren't willing to do that, then you are too weak to be married.

 

[okange76]

I'm assuming he is a pretty decent man and that's why I'm with him to begin with. If that is the case then I would hold down the fort till he got back on his feet.

Saw my mother do it twice when my father had two major layoffs in his career. One in Kenya and one in the US. If she didn't do it both times, we would have suffered greatly. It was so seamless that we never even noticed any changes in our lifestyle. That is why it is important as a woman to have your own safety net whether you are a SAHW or not. Life happens and you have to be prepared whether he makes $10K or $1M a yr.

Pops is way more educated but extremely shy and socially awkward. He's also very proud so the job loss almost sent him into a deep depression. Mum has better networking skills and is a super extrovert. She immediately went into survival mode. She paid the bills, networked his behind in to high paying jobs while doing little things like cooking his favorite food to make him feel special. Once he started working she went right back to paying for food and he picked up the tab for the rest of the stuff and life continued.

My father favorite statement to his sons was "Without your mother, I would be nothing, so pick wisely?"

 

[carcajada]

Wow. Um. What is the shoe was on the other foot. I guess you wouldn't expect him to provide you with any assistance or support if you lost your job?

carcajada - Would you at least provide any emotional support? Sometimes it's not always about the tangible things...I actually think that might be somewhat emasculating to hook up your man with a job/job interview...but being their to encourage him in the process...I think that that might be worth a lot.

Nah...I'm not elaborating because this board isn't ready for that. But I will say this, I won't be like some very unfortunate situations i've seen my coworkers go through (cannot retire until they're 68 because they moved around due to their husbands losing their jobs). I come first regardless. Always. Once I realized that a few years ago, my life improved 10 fold. But I respect others who want to do differently in such situations. Everyone is different.

Either spouse losing their job is the problem of the whole family. You shouldn't even get married of you're going to have that attitude when the going gets tough

Sent from my iPad mini mini.

Maybe for you, but that's not a universal truth. Everyone doesn't run their lives the same way. So a job problem for one family may only be a problem for 1 member of another family. That's why those threads about stay at home moms, dads, and finances get so long. It's like people don't want to just see that everyone's situation is not the same.

 

[lux10023]

luv this!!!

I've seen many corp women I've worked with go thru this and they went into high-drive circulating hubby resume and etc


one co-worker of mine pretty much told our ceo during small talk--listen dh needs a job he was laid off do you have any contacts....


anyhow my dh is super duper prideful--umm his coins are very long--what i will say is...our ship will not sink if i have anything to do with it!

I'm assuming he is a pretty decent man and that's why I'm with him to begin with. If that is the case then I would hold down the fort till he got back on his feet.

Saw my mother do it twice when my father had two major layoffs in his career. One in Kenya and one in the US. If she didn't do it both times, we would have suffered greatly. It was so seamless that we never even noticed any changes in our lifestyle. That is why it is important as a woman to have your own safety net whether you are a SAHW or not. Life happens and you have to be prepared whether he makes $10K or $1M a yr.

Pops is way more educated but extremely shy and socially awkward. He's also very proud so the job loss almost sent him into a deep depression. Mum has better networking skills and is a super extrovert. She immediately went into survival mode. She paid the bills, networked his behind in to high paying jobs while doing little things like cooking his favorite food to make him feel special. Once he started working she went right back to paying for food and he picked up the tab for the rest of the stuff and life continued.

My father favorite statement to his sons was "Without your mother, I would be nothing, so pick wisely?"

 

[gn1g]

I have and have seen my friends do both, hang in there with him and then divorcing him.

My 2 cent is you have to make sure he is encouraged and does not get into depression. There are suddle differences between depression, comfortable and just plain ol stuck in a rut. I find that if you have a good man, it is important to let him know that we (the family) need you. All of you, your contributions, your full character and everything you bring to the table. Often time we as women or at least where I come from, a line of strong black women, or able to carry the load and he feels like she can handle it and then he will lay down on his woman.

 

[hopeful]

Nah...I'm not elaborating because this board isn't ready for that. But I will say this, I won't be like some very unfortunate situations i've seen my coworkers go through (cannot retire until they're 68 because they moved around due to their husbands losing their jobs). I come first regardless. Always. Once I realized that a few years ago, my life improved 10 fold. But I respect others who want to do differently in such situations. Everyone is different.

Maybe for you, but that's not a universal truth. Everyone doesn't run their lives the same way. So a job problem for one family may only be a problem for 1 member of another family. That's why those threads about stay at home moms, dads, and finances get so long. It's like people don't want to just see that everyone's situation is not the same.

I agree with carcajada re the bolded. My dh has never been out of work but when situations even "looked" murky I would reset his and our path to ensure my life stayed the same or improved. Those little things I did turned out to be big things in the long run. But mostly I have found that women who feel like carcajada are the happiest. Folks think being like that makes you a B but they don't understand that dynamic. Strong, successful men don't need or want to be coddled. They neither need or want to be directed, helped, or babied because they are really strong and smart men, something we don't see often these days, and are quite capable of problem-solving and making sure things are handled and will let nothing get in the way of them providing.

And totally agree: everyone's situation is different. And also, moving forward, not sure I would do the little things either.

 

[carcajada]

I agree with carcajada re the bolded. My dh has never been out of work but when situations even "looked" murky I would reset his and our path to ensure my life stayed the same or improved. Those little things I did turned out to be big things in the long run. But mostly I have found that women who feel like carcajada are the happiest. Folks think being like that makes you a B but they don't understand that dynamic. Strong, successful men don't need or want to be coddled. They neither need or want to be directed, helped, or babied because they are really strong and smart men, something we don't see often these days, and are quite capable of problem-solving and making sure things are handled and will let nothing get in the way of them providing.

And totally agree: everyone's situation is different. And also, moving forward, not sure I would do the little things either.

It's interesting that you would say that because I just read an article this morning in WebMD magazine about emotionally unhealthy men. It said that emotionally unhealthy men are categorized as ones with immature coping mechanisms. This is one of the things I suspect plays a role in how a husband's jobs loss will affect him.

 

[hopeful]

It's interesting that you would say that because I just read an article this morning in WebMD magazine about emotionally unhealthy men. It said that emotionally unhealthy men are categorized as ones with immature coping mechanisms. This is one of the things I suspect plays a role in how a husband's jobs loss will affect him.

Right. My dd was telling me the other day that her teacher shared with her class that her family is in a crisis situation and she really needed her husband and he said I can't handle this and went to sleep for hours while she and her adult daughter figured things out. I was just like in my head -- WTF -- seriously get your a** up and help me, better yet, lead dammit. Also don't appreciate the teacher unloading that bs on the class but that's another story.

 

[barbiesocialite]

It's interesting that you would say that because I just read an article this morning in WebMD magazine about emotionally unhealthy men. It said that emotionally unhealthy men are categorized as ones with immature coping mechanisms. This is one of the things I suspect plays a role in how a husband's jobs loss will affect him.

I wonder if drinking, smoking, philandering falls into this category as well? Like if those things can be indicative of a man's employment status long-term?

I've been known to do all of the above but would not (and don't) tolerate it from the men in my life. I've never been around an unemployed man. EVER. At the same time, I'm the one that frequently needs to be coddled, babied or guided (not saying it's right). If anyone were to ever rely on me to pay bills for their needs to be met, they'd be sadly mistaken banking on me. My current career is completely the work of someone else's doing. And if something happens or I quit, my SO would be SOL until whenever I decide to make the next move. That said, for women that are in relationships with men that have similar traits to me---I'd say the best thing would be to continue living your life, do very little to nothing and if it takes too long, divorce him.

He'll be depressed during this process but he'll be iight. People only do what they HAVE to do.

 

[carcajada]

Right. My dd was telling me the other day that her teacher shared with her class that her family is in a crisis situation and she really needed her husband and he said I can't handle this and went to sleep for hours while she and her adult daughter figured things out. I was just like in my head -- WTF -- seriously get your a** up and help me, better yet, lead dammit. Also don't appreciate the teacher unloading that bs on the class but that's another story.

Uh yeah...I was caught up on that part. It really sounds like that teacher needs more friends and support so that she doesn't unload that baggage while she should be doing her job.

I share personal things with my students, but because of the population i teach the things I share are to make college sound more appealing and going to college THEN having babies even more appealing. I know. I'm shameless with pushing that ideal on teenagers.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Right. My dd was telling me the other day that her teacher shared with her class that her family is in a crisis situation and she really needed her husband and he said I can't handle this and went to sleep for hours while she and her adult daughter figured things out. I was just like in my head -- WTF -- seriously get your a** up and help me, better yet, lead dammit. Also don't appreciate the teacher unloading that bs on the class but that's another story.

OMG how humiliating. I feel bad for her class having to witness that.

 

[hopeful]

OMG how humiliating. I feel bad for her class having to witness that.

Agreed. I think she was trying to cover her butt because she had been snappy with the kids the past few days. But I think I'm going to call up there and complain. I talked to dh about it last night. She said a lot more that was inappropriate that I didn't share here.

ETA: Just left a message with the assistant principal. I will feel better knowing I let them know what's going on. Even as an adult I have felt put upon by this teacher to the point that I would avoid her so I'm sure it's way too much for the kids. They are 8th graders. I think it's inappropriate even for high schoolers. The crisis she is in is really awful and she should have kept the details to herself.

Thanks to both of you ladies for being alarmed.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Agreed. I think she was trying to cover her butt because she had been snappy with the kids the past few days. But I think I'm going to call up there and complain. I talked to dh about it last night. She said a lot more that was inappropriate that I didn't share here.

See my POV may sound harsh but this is why I'd just leave before a man puts me in that position. I think the book Fascinating Womanhood recommends leaving too. I know things are easier said than done but sometimes a woman knows what she's going to do (just look at Tamera Mowry--the type of wife and mother she said she was going to be is exactly who she is). I would seriously lose my mind if my man wasnt working long-term. He needs to handle that. but as for me, sorry, I'd have to go .....

 

[Holla]

I would complain. If you and your hubby work hard to ensure that your kid focuses on just being a kid and enjoying her childhood, the teacher has no right to impose upon your kid any matter that concerns adults (e.g., marital problems). I would be hella pissed.

I enjoyed my childhood and any "adult" situations regarding layoffs, bills not paid, etc. were never brought to my attention. I was not privy to the realities of life until I became an adult.

I hate when adults do that. Childhood is short enough without adults encouraging kids to deal with situations that should not concern them.

Agreed. I think she was trying to cover her butt because she had been snappy with the kids the past few days. But I think I'm going to call up there and complain. I talked to dh about it last night. She said a lot more that was inappropriate that I didn't share here.

ETA: Just left a message with the assistant principal. I will feel better knowing I let them know what's going on. Even as an adult I have felt put upon by this teacher to the point that I would avoid her so I'm sure it's way too much for the kids. They are 8th graders. I think it's inappropriate even for high schoolers. The crisis she is in is really awful and she should have kept the details to herself.

Thanks to both of you ladies for being alarmed.

 

[NOEChic]

After a yr and him quitting a job to work for a contract for the govt that didn't pan out, I broke up with him. I helped him, edited his resume, got him contact information for contractors, but he wasn't making any headway.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I just remembered a former friend who didn't even know her fiancé was fired from his job. He got up and went to "work" everyday. She eventually started to get the late notices and calls from bill collectors. She left and moved out of state....but they still "dated" for a while and she'd fly back to NYC to see him.

I'm not sure what ever happened with them but they had called off their wedding prior to this situation after the invitations went out.

I can't see DH ever putting me in that position. He cannot fathom how my friends husbands are SAHD's.