Is it true that in order to get a man I need to dumb down?

[BlackHairDiva]

I was told that I should be careful, of how I talk. Because if men see that I'm to articulate/smart or too educated they will flee. I was also told not to tell my real age,32,men will see me as too old and run off.

You see I have a problem with the advice mentioned above. Why do I have to base a relationship on lies? If I do follow the advice above, I will be with a man that is not really attracted to the real me. So again living a lie.

Can a smart woman who is well educated and articulate to get a man and be married long term?

The advice above was mentioned to me by a family member...So hearing this repeatedly...I can't help but wonder. Does this mean the only men capable of accepting me are American white men?

Y'all have no idea how discouraging it is to hear the advice above. When I was little girl I was told to study...get an education no matter what. People will respect you. Then I grew up and got an education only to be told men will flee cause I know too much.

 

[FlowerHair]

No, I don't believe that. But I'm no expert in the area so don't listen to me
I think some men are wowed with a smart woman.

 

[Ladyhenri]

Depends on the type of man you want.

A ghetto man will be intimidated by your intelligence, so you will need to 'dumb down' for him. Or him and his mates will forever try to put you down for being smarter than them.

However, an intelligent man is looking for a similar woman; and will love your refined speech. He will also be happy to introduce you to his refined friends cos you wont embarrass him when you speak.

also, Age is nothing but a number. Most men, young or old wouldn't kick Halle out of their beds. But i think its important to take care of yourself and look good at whatever age.

 

[Determined22]

I say yes and no.

You don't have to dumb down who you are or play down your education, but it shouldn't be your focus when you meet a guy. I had to learn that myself. Men are interested in YOU, not your accomplishments, where you went to school, your degrees, etc. You don't have to lie about what you do, but it shouldn't be the first thing that comes out of your mouth.

 

[JinaRicci]

Aaagh!! Great topic and I have to get to work! LOL. Was just talking about this topic this past wknd. Yes- that is exactly what they said, get an education, blah, blah, blah but they never told you how that could be a barrier.

No- don't dumb down not even for the intelligent men who need their ego stroked. If you do to get them, will you be willing to do it for the rest of your life?

It's not about talking about your accomplishments- I get what you're saying totally- but it's about who you are as a person. And I refuse to believe that the only men who will not be intimidated are White Men.

Hang in there- have to run- hope we can continue this discussion.

 

[Supervixen]

I think the overall point is NO ONE (a man or a woman) wants to date a know-it-all. Be open to other's thoughts and opinions.

 

[antisocial]

No!!!


Why would anybody even want a man who they have to "dumb down" for??


Who gave you that bs advice??? Whoever told you this needs to stop giving relationship advice....whether they are married or not.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

In answer to your topic thread question: NO way jose!

Don't ever "dumb down" for a man!
Maybe when you're just getting to know a new man you may want hold some info about yourself back a little, or not come across as a "know-it-all". AFterall, who would even want to be platonic friends with someone they just meet who seems to know it all? I know I wouldn't. BUT, I would not hide your true self from a guy, or act like you don't know something when you really do.

If he asks you about topics/questions that you know about, you should tell him your honest (educated) opinion if you feel the need. No debates or anything when you're first dating, but just cool easy conversation. Just like you wouldn't spill the beans on every single incident in your life, or put allll your cards on the table, you too don't want to come across like you're better than others just because you're educated.

Can a smart woman who is well educated and articulate to get a man and be married long term?

YES! Look at First Lady Michelle Obama. The RIGHT man won't be intimidated that you have a degree or are smart. He will actually love that about you. The RIGHT man will be able to have an educated and engaging discussion with you as well.

So, if these guys are getting "scared off", then forget them! Maybe you just haven't found the right one for you yet?

As long as you are an open, humble, and friendly woman, I don't see why a guy would feel overly intimidated to date you.

 

[calmsensual1]

Short answer: no

Long answer: Just be yourself and the man will come.

 

[MissNina]

That's complete BS. You don't have to dumb yourself down for anybody. I promise to God if I thought I had to do that to be married, I'd be Miss Anti-Marriage numero uno.

ETA: I'm sorry but this really disturbs me. I need someone I can talk the Iran elections with. I don't wanna talk about College Hill and Drake 24/7 so I may need a man to smart himself UP to be with me. That is non-negotiable. Sheesh.

 

[Zaynab]

I sort of agree about the "dumb-down" but it's the wrong verbage and a completely negative term.

Men want to know if you're intelligent yes, but they don't want to be reminded of it all the time. Alot of women meet men and spew off all of their degree information, achievements, etc, and while they will be impresed, that's obviously not why they want to date you or get to know you. That sort of flows into the whole independent woman thing and men want to see that you want and need a man, not that you're so smart/great, you can do it all on your own. You have more substantive info that "what you know or what you've done"--that's not not what makes up the core of who you are. Men think they are rulers and know everything even though we know they don't I would not downplay my intelligence at all but I wouldn't make that the basis of who I was when dating.

I don't know about the age thing, that sounds crazy to me. *shrugs*

 

[JinaRicci]

That's complete BS. You don't have to dumb yourself down for anybody. I promise to God if I thought I had to do that to be married, I'd be Miss Anti-Marriage numero uno.

ETA: I'm sorry but this really disturbs me. I need someone I can talk about the Iran elections with. I don't wanna talk about College Hill and Drake 24/7 so I need a man to smart himself UP to be with me. That is non-negotiable.

LOL @ the bolded! ITA- a know-it-all is a turn off! The man who is right for you will appreciate you -smarts & all.

 

[JinaRicci]

I sort of agree about the "dumb-down" but it's the wrong verbage and a completely negative term.

Men want to know if you're intelligent yes, but they don't want to be reminded of it all the time. Alot of women meet men and spew off all of their degree information, achievements, etc, and while they will be impresed, that's obviously not why they want to date you or get to know you. That sort of flows into the whole independent woman thing and men want to see that you want and need a man, not that you're so smart/great, you can do it all on your own. You have more substantive info that "what you know or what you've done"--that's not not what makes up the core of who you are. Men think they are rulers and know everything even though we know they don't I would not downplay my intelligence at all but I wouldn't make that the basis of who I was when dating.

I don't know about the age thing, that sounds crazy to me. *shrugs*

Zaynab, are you saying she should strike a balance so that he feels needed? Cause I agree that men need to feel needed- it's who they are. But I didn't think she was saying that she talks constantly about herself or her accomplishments- that would be a turn-off and arrogant men like that are too for me.

What I gathered she was asking is 'how far back do I step so that he feels validated' or 'how dumb do I need to act so that he feels good about himself.' To me that ranges anywhere from being like "Ok, whatever you say baby," instead of having healthy discussions or hiding who you are- especially when it comes to your ambitions.

Michelle to me is a great example of striking a balance- she totally supports him but she has her own thing going on and he likewise supports her- accomplishments and all.

 

[january noir]

No, I don't believe that. But I'm no expert in the area so don't listen to me
I think some men are wowed with a smart woman.

I was just getting ready to post a comment like this, but you said it nicely.

OP don't believe that mess. If you do, you will regret it and so will the dude when he realizes you're not as dumb as you presented yourself to be.

Be who you are and proudly show off your mental and emotional assets.

 

[Zaynab]

Zaynab, are you saying she should strike a balance so that he feels needed? Cause I agree that men need to feel needed- it's who they are. But I didn't think she was saying that she talks constantly about herself or her accomplishments- that would be a turn-off and arrogant men like that are too for me.

What I gathered she was asking is 'how far back do I step so that he feels validated' or 'how dumb do I need to act so that he feels good about himself.' To me that ranges anywhere from being like "Ok, whatever you say baby," instead of having healthy discussions or hiding who you are- especially when it comes to your ambitions.

Michelle to me is a great example of striking a balance- she totally supports him but she has her own thing going on and he likewise supports her- accomplishments and all.

Well I wasn't sure, I may have mis-interpreted her post. I definitely agree that she should strike a balance which why I said yes-men want to know you're intelligent and educated but don't put as much emphasis as we do on it No man wants a woman who is dumb as rocks

 

[Aveena]

Everyone's fun/serious timing is different that is why it's important to just be yourself.

I think what's at the core of this idea is that people need to know that they can relax and have fun with their partner. Some people only know how to study and get thrown for a loop when it's time to have fun....and vice versa....just my opinion.

Another reason to just be yourself. You will attract the best fit for you that way.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

Bulldookie. If you have to change anything about yourself for a guy then they obviously arent the right person for you.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I sort of agree about the "dumb-down" but it's the wrong verbage and a completely negative term.

Men want to know if you're intelligent yes, but they don't want to be reminded of it all the time. Alot of women meet men and spew off all of their degree information, achievements, etc, and while they will be impresed, that's obviously not why they want to date you or get to know you. That sort of flows into the whole independent woman thing and men want to see that you want and need a man, not that you're so smart/great, you can do it all on your own. You have more substantive info that "what you know or what you've done"--that's not not what makes up the core of who you are. Men think they are rulers and know everything even though we know they don't I would not downplay my intelligence at all but I wouldn't make that the basis of who I was when dating.

I don't know about the age thing, that sounds crazy to me. *shrugs*

Excellent post. This was what I was trying to say but couldn't quite execute it as well.

Men have fragile egos, so while we don't want to downplay our intelligence, or "play dumb", we also don't want to come across as "know-it-all" Natalie's, or "don't-need-no-man" Diane's.

 

[varaneka]

DON'T DUMB YOURSELF DOWN UNLESS your audience doesn't understand those "big" words lol

but seriously, don't dumb yourself down for anyone, especially when you're interested in someone as a SO

What you have to do to get someone= what you'll have to KEEP doing to keep that person

would you really want someone who is so insecure that he/she can't accept you for who you are--a wonderfully made person by the ONE TRUE GOD Himself?!

 

[Raspberry]

Bulldookie. If you have to change anything about yourself for a guy then they obviously arent the right person for you.

I dunno.. sometimes we do need to change things about ourselves to have better relationships. I'm not perfect, there's definitely some stuff I've had to work on.

 

[january noir]

I dunno.. sometimes we do need to change things about ourselves to have better relationships. I'm not perfect, there's definitely some stuff I've had to work on.

I agree with you to a certain extent. You can and should change 'bad' or anti-social behaviors, but changing the "core" of who you are is something you shouldn't change unless you are a danger to oneself or others.

What the OP is asking is, should she make herself appear less smart or accomplished just to get a man who may not like that a woman that way and my answer is no.

 

[Keen]

I was told the same thing. I was like you mean to tell me I have to pretend to be less smart than I am for the rest of my life? He said that I can only do that up until I get the guy then I'm like, that's bait and switch. Either way it would not end up well for me. I could be miserable by pretending to be dumb for the rest of my life (or until I'm fed up and leave) or I can switch after which would not be fair to the guy because that's not who he fell in love with. Then He'd be miserable.

 

[DragonPearl]

I say yes and no.

You don't have to dumb down who you are or play down your education, but it shouldn't be your focus when you meet a guy. I had to learn that myself. Men are interested in YOU, not your accomplishments, where you went to school, your degrees, etc. You don't have to lie about what you do, but it shouldn't be the first thing that comes out of your mouth.

Please say it again. Some women when they meet a guy act like they're interviewing for a job at a company. You don't have to dumb down, but don't act like you're Einstein in a dress either.

 

[aribell]

Everyone's fun/serious timing is different that is why it's important to just be yourself.

I think what's at the core of this idea is that people need to know that they can relax and have fun with their partner. Some people only know how to study and get thrown for a loop when it's time to have fun....and vice versa....just my opinion.

Another reason to just be yourself. You will attract the best fit for you that way.

Yeah, I think balance is important in your own personality. Even if you're completely brilliant, you don't talk about intellectual things all the time, right? Some people do, though, so maybe you just have to wait for the man who's equally as intense.

 

[MD_Lady]

No man wants to hear a woman recite her resume whenever she opens her mouth. No woman can be truly happy with a man who's ego is so fragile that he needs to be the best at everything in order to feel like "a man". IMO, men and women drive each other away because so many of them are constantly overcompensating for their insecurities.

ETA: When DH and I met, I was working on my Masters and he was a couple credits into his Bachelors. It was never a problem for us because 1) neither one of us felt as though we had something to prove and 2) neither one of us made snap judgements about the other based on level of education. More important than this, we both felt as though we could be ourselves. Any man that you have to tip-toe around to keep from crushing his eggshell of an ego is not the man for you.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

yes, if you want a dumb man... and dumb children.
I don't know about white american men accepting you. I am an american born and bred. this country does not value education. men here are not too bright or genuinely confident for that matter. nearly all american men resent educated women. the real problem w/ the black american man started when he tried to emulate the white american man.

 

[Mimi22]

I've been told that I intimidate men

One guy I dated said I ask too many questions and bring up too many topics of discussion. But in my defense, whenever I get nervous I ask alot of questions to compensate and show an air of confidence

Since this lil realisation, I've tried to curb the number of questions I ask and tried to talk less allowing him to contribute. However *sigh* it's hard yo!!

To answer the OP, I dont think u need to dumb down, just manage the number of intellectual convos that go on. Take it step by step. *Shrugs* Thats the best I got sorry! lol

 

[JinaRicci]

Please say it again. Some women when they meet a guy act like they're interviewing for a job at a company. You don't have to dumb down, but don't act like you're Einstein in a dress either.

ITA with the bolded. He shouldn't act like Einstein in a suit either.

 

[godsflowerrr]

Just be yourself.

The right man will be attracted to you for you. If someone wants you to dumb down move on cause he ain't the one. Even if you try to 'dumb down' how long can you really pull it off for ..........weeks , months, years...Pleassssseeeeee lol

 

[BlackHairDiva]

Thank you all for the responses!!!!!!!!!! For the record I do not talk about myself nor my degrees at all. When I meet a man I focus on getting to know him on the inside, and our personalities. When someone talks about sports...I will respond I like sports...I will not say my accomplishments at all. The advice mentioned in my post came from my mom.

I love Mom to bits. But her and me are completely different. Mom married dad at 16, while both where in University. Mom grew up in the 50s and 60s. The same advice comes from my granny as well...she married at a much younger age than mom. Granny was married grandpa at the age of 14 and grandpa was 16.They 'were about to celebrate their 65 years of marriage(until grandpa passed of cancer).Mom was married to dad 40 years ( dad passed on the 40th year).

See in mom's eye it's frightening to her that I'm not married yet.At my age she had already all of us kids(4). Dad and her were well off financially as well.

Granny, well my granny is African( so is my entire family..but mom's side is mixed with european lineage). She(granny) claims that I'm modern. She thinks everything will be different with me. She tells me that a lot. She said that it's not gonna be like my parents marriage but better. Strangely she doesn't stress about me not being married. But mom ....yeah she does and so does her older sister( my aunt). My aunt sometimes says :" they not married yet? I can find them someone in here( Africa) and we can arrange something."

My dad said the same thing about me before he passed; he called me modern. I remember quite a few times dad referred me as modern. Before he passed he said the decision I would make will be different and that he has yet to see me take a bad one. He said whoever i marry He will accept. His exact words were:" Where blackhairdiva says yes , I say yes". I'm born and raised in canada it seems that they find me as "other"/different.