Is it ok to ask?

yokoyokogirl

yokoyokogirl

New Member
How many sex partners your SO or DH has had before you??

Is that being too nosey or wondering about something that doesn't matter? Or is ok as general curiosity?

Would/have you ladies done that?
 
That's something that you should NEVER ask unless you REALLY want to know the answer. And think about why you'd even want to know. Would it even benefit you to know about something that you cannot change but can potantially damage your feelings? Some things are just better left unsaid. If it has no bearing on you or your relationship with him, just live your life, move forward and dont concern yourself with things in the past that have nothing to do with you.
 
That is something that I do not desire to know. And in fact, I would not want to be asked either. If me and him are trying to build a future together, why bring up past ghosts?
 
I dont' think i have ever asked a guy how many women he's been with....usually thats a big deal to men and the women they are with....

however im sure its okay to ask if you really want to know...why wouldnt it be
 
Ask if you like, but don't expect the truth. Whatever you do don't tell him how many partners you have had, because no matter how many time he tells you it doesn't matter, IT DOES.

I don't ask and I don't ask the virginity question. Most guys for some reason have given up the losing virginity age and I just say I was too young and they usually leave it at that.

Plus I am 37 and a divorce' and no body is asking that question at this age, it hasn't come up with the men I have dealt with and after my divorce these men have been considerably older and comfortable in their own skin and with theirs and my sexuality and we all know each other are not virgins. It came up before I was 25.
 
I haven't asked or been asked that since high school (maybe junior high). I have no idea how many people my DH had sex with before me and I couldn't care less. What purpose would that information serve? The only thing I cared about when I was dating was whether the person was HIV negative. You can have sex with one person and have an STD. So...
 
When I have asked this question I usually ask in very early on before a relationship has really formed. I was just trying to gauge their level of experience. The only time I would consider asking this is with a younger man. I have dated them but I am not interested in being anyone's teacher so I want to know what he's working with.

I never expect a man to answer this truthfully, so many claim that they don't know which I do believe, so whatever he says I assume it is an underestimation.
 
Well it looks like I am the only one so far. I think it is very important to be open in a relationship. If there is anything you want to know then do not be afraid to ask. I have asked before b/c things like that do matter to me. There is a distinct difference between 2 previous partners and 200. Also, if you are hoping to build a future it is important to know the past so that no skeletons jump out when you least expect it.
 
I see nothing wrong with it and believe you should be able to talk to an SO, DH, or potential about this type of stuff. I asked my DH on our second date I think.
 
Relationships or sexual partners? There's a big difference......

I've always asked how many relationships he's been in, and how they ended. I want to know about ex's - because red flags can show there.

Sex partners? I really don't care. If we run into one in the street, I'd like a heads up, but the number? *shrug* Why? What does it matter? :lol: I can pretty well tell if you were loose before me, or if you weren't, without knowing an exact (or semi-exact) number. :lol:
 
Asking how many is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. They were all before you so if I were you I wouldn't trip. What's more important for you to know is his past sexual practices. Has he ever had unprotected sex, any STDs, same-sex interactions, children, etc. These are things that can make or break your current sex life, health, you get my point.
 
It's "ok" to ask whatever the heck you want! LOL

IMO, NOTHING should be off-limits. If you want to know, ask.

The dumbest question is the unasked question.

I don't believe in the whole curiousity killed the cat bit. If I'm curious, I seek satisfy that curiousity...then again, i've been told I was overly inquisitive and "off the wall" since I was like....three years old and people tend to look at me like "wth!?" when I ask questions. I ask the questions others are too scared to ask. LOL


ETA: I think it's a good question to ask BECAUSE it can give you an idea of how a "seriously" one takes sex or "relationships." I would look at a man in a different way if he had 10 sex partners as opposed to 1000.
 
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I asked my SO this question, because I wanted to be with someone I could lose my virginity with if it came to that. So it was important to me to be dating a virgin. I'm not sure how I'd approach the subject if we ever broke up, though. I've never been in that situation.
 
My only questions are when were your last round of test, can I see the results, and if I'm the only person they are dealing with. That's it. Anything that's going to affect me.
 
yes it is ok to ask, especially if you are going to be intimate. my husband and i told each other everything, even revealed test results and married before intimacy. we knew we weren't going to be with anyone else, yet we needed to be sure of everything. black women are falling victim to hiv too rapidly to not ask. i can say hearing about his ways had me with the screw face:ohwell:, but i needed and wanted to know about what would be in me for the rest of my life. what is it about exchanging spirits? yeah, i had to know.
 
I think it is important to ask. Once you are married, there is really no good reason to ask, IMO.
 
Lboogie said:
It's "ok" to ask whatever the heck you want! LOL

IMO, NOTHING should be off-limits. If you want to know, ask.

The dumbest question is the unasked question.

I don't believe in the whole curiousity killed the cat bit. If I'm curious, I seek satisfy that curiousity...then again, i've been told I was overly inquisitive and "off the wall" since I was like....three years old and people tend to look at me like "wth!?" when I ask questions. I ask the questions others are too scared to ask. LOL


ETA: I think it's a good question to ask BECAUSE it can give you an idea of how a "seriously" one takes sex or "relationships." I would look at a man in a different way if he had 10 sex partners as opposed to 1000.
Click to expand...

Agreed.

I used to think "Oh, it's not that big of a deal..." until I dealt with a man whose indiscretions came out in a totally unnecessary and unfortunate way. Had I known that he had slept with such a ridiculous number of people, I would have been aware of certain tendencies he might have and what his general attitudes towards sex, women, and relationships were.

So, now I ask if I feel compelled to...sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

But regardless, there is NOTHING that cannot be discussed before you pledge your life to a person. Whenever I start feeling "uneasy" about asking something, I think about the 10 year forecast and the potential disasters of not asking what I really want to know...and suddenly I'm Barbara Walters on a dude. :lachen:

NOTHING is off limits. NOTHING.

No need to ask or pry about what you are not genuinely interested in, but if you want to know, ASK.
 
ITA with Divine Inspiration.

I said not to ask after you're married because really all that will do is cause problems.
 
I have an overactive imagination and would assume the worst so I'd ask. But like someone mentioned, don't ask if you don't want to know the answer or can't handle the truthful answer.
 
Divine Inspiration said:
Agreed.

I used to think "Oh, it's not that big of a deal..." until I dealt with a man whose indiscretions came out in a totally unnecessary and unfortunate way. Had I known that he had slept with such a ridiculous number of people, I would have been aware of certain tendencies he might have and what his general attitudes towards sex, women, and relationships were.

So, now I ask if I feel compelled to...sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

But regardless, there is NOTHING that cannot be discussed before you pledge your life to a person. Whenever I start feeling "uneasy" about asking something, I think about the 10 year forecast and the potential disasters of not asking what I really want to know...and suddenly I'm Barbara Walters on a dude. :lachen:

NOTHING is off limits. NOTHING.

No need to ask or pry about what you are not genuinely interested in, but if you want to know, ASK.
Click to expand...

I definitely agree, especially with the bolded. It's not just about STDs.. For example, a lot of women wonder about whether men can be faithful and their past relationships and attitudes about sex are a good indicator of his tendencies (not absolute because people do change, but in the majority case).

I'm currently celibate but in the past I only dated men who didn't have much casual sex and had sometimes gone long periods of time without. It wasn't purposeful but those were the types I attracted and reflecting back on it now I can say that I subconsciously sought out men who thought it important to have discipline when it comes to sex. I'm not feeling men who think having an erection justifies doing it to any and everybody just because he wears a condom. None of us would trust a surgeon who says he's never done surgery before.. and I'm not trusting a man can be committed and faithful though he's had little practice at it. I swear sometimes we put more thought into looking for a job then in committing to a man.

Our pasts lay the foundation for how we act and think today, it doesn't disappear into the ether just because you're in love and don't have an std. I'm not saying people have to be perfect, but it shows maturity and growth to take stock of your sexual/relationship past and show you've learned from it, not just pushed it into a closet somewhere and hoped for the best.
 
I have never asked DH that question, and I won't. I do know of things we have done that he had never done with anyone else but knowing his number is not something I care about.
 
I honestly wouldn't want to know. I just want to know his STD status. But if his number is too low I will think he's weird, if it's too high that will be questionable...as long as he's clean and good at "what he does" I'm good
 
I am a firm believer that it is okay to ask. Some say, well what's the point??, but I feel like this, it's good to know in general. It's good to know what kind of man you are with. Example: You find out your man has had 3 partners in the past.. Hmm, okay cool (I guess)... but what about if your partner tells you they've had 250 partners (now, I got questions). So, I think it does matter, and I think that it is important to be open.
Like the saying goes, you don't know your future, unless you know your past.. or something like that. LOL.
 
I didn't ask my ex, but he voluntarily let me know about his sexual past from the beginning. He said he was trying to be truthful about his past and let me know things before I heard it from someone else. I definitely appreciate him letting me know, and I will probably ask guys in the future if they don't volunteer the info.
 
Nope I dont ask....I can pretty much can tell how many they've slept with based on their attitudes about sex. If you are mature enough to handle the answer and arent funny about it then do whats best for you. Just dont find out the answers and then get jealous and say "oh what did they look like...whats their name?" :look: Ive known girls who've done this.

ETA If you really want to know I say its important to ask in the beggining of the relationship as opposed to 1 or 2 years down just for shyts and giggles....at this point what is the purpose?
 
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Lboogie said:
It's "ok" to ask whatever the heck you want! LOL

IMO, NOTHING should be off-limits. If you want to know, ask.

The dumbest question is the unasked question.

ETA: I think it's a good question to ask BECAUSE it can give you an idea of how a "seriously" one takes sex or "relationships." I would look at a man in a different way if he had 10 sex partners as opposed to 1000.
Click to expand...
:yep: especially the bolded

Divine Inspiration said:
NOTHING is off limits. NOTHING.
Click to expand...
Pretty much.
 
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