Is it important for him to attend this event?

[Fine 4s]

My grandmother who lives in another state is turning 100 soon and I'm throwing her a party in her home town. I was looking for confirmation from SO and others as to whether they would be joining me. In my conversation with 'him', he stated that the event is not something he would enjoy and so he didn't think he was going to attend (or something like that). I'm not sure if my feelings are clues pointing to red flags.

Here are my thoughts: Is his decision to NOT go a reflection of how he views the relationship? Will he approach other family obligations like this; if I don't want to do it I will not do it. Does he like my family? Is he not big on the concept of "family"? Am I asking too much of him knowing that he doesn't have a lot of disposable income to fly as frequently as I am able to?

Should this clue me into something deeper? How do you achieve a balance between social/family obligations (when they are clearly established perhaps we are too new in the relationship?) and freedom to chose?

Thanks ladies and please do not quote

 

[FelaShrine]

That is a response I would say to someone Im not taking seriously but that's me. How long have yall been together? Is this a seriouys or casual relationship?

His comment is weird especially considering how thoughtful you're being regarding Valentine's day (the paint thing)

 

[Oasis]

i feel like i would have a terrible time at a party for a 100 year old. but i would definitely go, especially since my SO was throwing the party. i find his reasoning lame. i dont want to so im not. is he 5?

do you think it's important for him to go?

 

[Mortons]

Lol people have fun at family functions? A good time is no one getting drunk or embarrassing me lmao.

Anyway that reasoning is the issue moreso than him not wanting to go. I was expecting him to say he hadn't met them and would feel awkward or the like.

 

[Foxglove]

It's a birthday party for your 100 year old grandmother and her friends/family. And he has to pay for plane tickets? It would be nice if he went but wouldn't blame him for skipping this one but that's just me

 

[PlainJane]

Honestly, if my SO were to ask me I probably wouldn't go. Even more so since it isn't in the same city...

 

[Naveah2050]

Honestly, if my SO were to ask me I probably wouldn't go. Even more so since it isn't in the same city...

Me neither unless I was close to the grandma and he was paying for tickets.

OP there is a difference between a husband and a boyfriend - if it was my hubby yea I would probably feel some type of way but a Boyf IMO isn't obligated to do all of that depending on how long you been together

 

[Oasis]

i didn't realize it wasn't in the same city. yeah, i most likely wouldn't go.

 

[Mortons]

Yesh, If he has to pay for a ticket and you all haven't been together for a long time I wouldn't go. If it was driving distance, even a bit long distance I would feel different.

 

[CaraWalker]

i thought you were engaged? i only casually read that thread so im not sure but if thats the case familial obligations is kind of part of the deal.

 

[Fine 4s]

That is a response I would say to someone Im not taking seriously but that's me. How long have yall been together? Is this a seriouys or casual relationship?

His comment is weird especially considering how thoughtful you're being regarding Valentine's day (the paint thing)

FelaShrine
We haven't hit 1 year 1. V-day activity was a surprise that mysteriously got cancelled lol
Like a fw? No. He and I are in for the long-term. No discussions about marriage have taken place. I don’t think his comment is weird, I think it was honest.

i feel like i would have a terrible time at a party for a 100 year old. but i would definitely go, especially since my SO was throwing the party. i find his reasoning lame. i dont want to so im not. is he 5?

do you think it's important for him to go?

Oasis
I'm unsure if wanting him to go is unreasonable hence why I wanted other perspectives. In fairness other things were said, but I'm not sure of the order. I zoned in on the negative and right now (and last night when I posted) that's all I could remember lol He misses his own family and paying money to go see MY family would be a lot to ask of him I suppose. He also brought up some misunderstanding about staying in a hotel and the length of stay which is a couple of nights. We clarified that. In the end, he asked me if I wanted him to go and well…I’m sure you know what I said, no. I want him to WANT to go on his own for me . (I know, I’m being a….silly little girl)

Is it important? Maybe not, but would it make my heart beat fast, yes.

Lol people have fun at family functions? A good time is no one getting drunk or embarrassing me lmao.

Anyway that reasoning is the issue moreso than him not wanting to go. I was expecting him to say he hadn't met them and would feel awkward or the like.

Mortons
Exactly. Is this a window in how he’ll approach other 'couple' events or other future obligations. He met them around the xmas holiday break because that's where I was.

It's a birthday party for your 100 year old grandmother and her friends/family. And he has to pay for plane tickets? It would be nice if he went but wouldn't blame him for skipping this one but that's just me

Foxglove
I see your point. After I calmed down, thought about it, I understood.
For other people who could afford it, maybe it wouldn't be asking for much.

Me neither unless I was close to the grandma and he was paying for tickets.

OP there is a difference between a husband and a boyfriend - if it was my hubby yea I would probably feel some type of way but a Boyf IMO isn't obligated to do all of that depending on how long you been together

Naveah
You know, I get caught up like this every time! UGH! Thank you for the reminder.

i thought you were engaged? i only casually read that thread so im not sure but if thats the case familial obligations is kind of part of the deal.

CaraWalker
I posted about some rings that I liked but said I was kidding.
I’m unsure how he feels about those 'obligations.'

General thoughts: I spoke to a couple of married folks (men) who stated that they often attend events that they do not want to go to and argue over it prior to finally going. Since we’re not married, he can chose to not go and, in their opinion, it means nothing about how he feels about me. Simply put, he doesn’t want to go.

 

[Fine 4s]

Another aspect possibly skewing my view on this is that, there are people who don't even know my grandmother who want to come so why wouldn't the special person in my life WANT to come? I'm unfairly comparing folks and I don't even fully know their reasoning for wanting to go.

 

[Prettymetty]

This seems like an event for close family and friends especially since travelling is involved. Has he even met this person yet? If not then I wouldn't sweat him not wanting to go. Now if it was your mom's bday that would be a different story.

 

[Fine 4s]

He's met her.
The more I think about it, the more I think I'm just being irrational. I wish I didn't feel the way I do, but I will keep it in check.

 

[lux10023]

dude sound selfish..iunno maybe I'm just different but if you are in it for the long-term why wouldn't you want to come be by my side...

this would bother me..

 

[faithVA]

dude sound selfish..iunno maybe I'm just different but if you are in it for the long-term why wouldn't you want to come be by my side...

this would bother me..

I wasn't sure. I thought it might be a generational thing. I'm much older and I would have to think twice about an SO who wouldn't go. But because I'm older, I realize that people don't turn 100 every day and this is a big milestone. However, I have to realize that people that are younger may not see it that way.

I guess when I was younger I wouldn't have made it a big deal. But as I've gotten older I know that I want to date people who care about family.

ETA: I thought about it more. And I would have a problem with it. The fact that OP is planning the party says that it's important to her. I would expect my SO to go just based on that. If he said he couldn't afford to go that would be different. But an SO needs to know what's important. I think he is missing it.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I'm with those who say this is an event for a serious relationship.

I would expect a dh, fiancé, or boyfriend-on-the-verge-of-proposing to attend an event like this, especially since it is out of town.

 

[C@ssandr@]

OP, has he formally met your family?

I don't think this is a red flag. It sounds rather inconveniencing.

It would be nice if he could make it though.

 

[hopeful]

But she's turning 100, 100 for goodness sake ... That's huge IMO and YOU are planning the party. For me those two things are game changers. The party is not in Haiti or something. Assuming it's not somewhere terribly difficult or expensive to get to. Tell him it's important to you that he be there and leave it at that.

 

[fitchick]

I would expect him to go just on the strength that it was a party that I was planning for a special person in my life. That's being supportive which I would expect in a serious relationship.

Costs make it tricky, especially if the can't really afford it though.

 

[Fine 4s]

I love these debates. This is why romantic relationships are so personal, no concrete answer. Good points in both camps. He's shown me in so many other ways that he's not selfish and that's never been a concern for me. He's met my grandmother before. I'm not the only one organizing the affair.

 

[hopeful]

He's shown me in so many other ways that he's not selfish. Perhaps this is why I'm stomping my feet. Where's the perfect man at?!

Right! Based on your previous posts he is not selfish. This is one of those things that I think he will regret and you will remember. It's important to you and thus should be important to him too.

 

[faithVA]

He's shown me in so many other ways that he's not selfish. Perhaps this is why I'm stomping my feet. Where's the perfect man at?!

Have you told him you really want him to go? If not you should. Don't put on him the extra weight of having to want to go. If he is willing to go to support you should be all that matters.

 

[Fine 4s]

Have you told him you really want him to go? If not you should. Don't put on him the extra weight of having to want to go. If he is willing to go to support you should be all that matters.

Ugh! Don't make me do it lol
I want him to come to that decision on his own. He asked me if I wanted him to go but AFTER staying why he didn't want to go. Idk, maybe pride is in the way, I'm not sure.....

 

[faithVA]

Ugh! Don't make me do it lol
I want him to come to that decision on his own. He asked me if I wanted him to go but AFTER staying why he didn't want to go. Idk, maybe pride is in the way, I'm not sure.....

Since you say you two are in this for the long haul, I think this is a good time to have a discussion on how he sees family. This isn't about an event. This is about family.

I don't think you are wrong for asking the questions. You two may not see things eye to eye on this and you need to be clear. Also ask yourself why it's important that he want to go. What does it mean that he wants to go versus not wanting to go?

I don't think you should overlook this. It's bothering you for a reason.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

I'm not gonna sit up here and act like you should be mad or break up or do this or that because he's not going, but yeah, I would want him to go and I would be bothered that he thinks it's okay not to go bc he doesn't want to. Who really wants to go to somebody else's grandmother's party (I'm just keeping it real )? People make that sacrifice. Now if he can't afford to or can't arrange the time off work or something, that's where I say "okay, well he's a boyfriend, I get it." But other than that, I think this is what boyfriends do: 1a) I ask you to attend something that's important to me 1b) as my companion 2) you make an effort to do it

 

[ladysaraii]

This is a good question. If he hadn't met granny before, I'd probably say that he should go. Since he has met her, it's not like you're trying to arrange an introduction.

You probably should just tell him you want him to be there. I wouldn't want to go either, but I probably would for a serious relationship. But the finances make it complicated. I don't think this is important enough for someone to go broke over.

Sooo...basically I wasn't very helpful.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

I just saw the post about wanting him to want to go. Now idk about that OP, nah....I wouldn't expect him to just sincerely in his heart want to go--that's not to say I wouldn't expect him to sincerely have a good time once he is there and enjoy the experience of seeing you with your family and seeing the love for your grandmother and appreciating being included. I do think you can have that expectation. But to think he's initially going because of anything than supporting you is a lot IMO, but for me, that's what I would be looking for.

 

[Foxglove]

Ugh! Don't make me do it lol
I want him to come to that decision on his own. He asked me if I wanted him to go but AFTER staying why he didn't want to go. Idk, maybe pride is in the way, I'm not sure.....

I hated when my mom would do this stuff to me. He's not a mind reader and he won't magically wind up coming to the conclusion you want him to and wanting to do things the way you want him to do it. In my mom's case for example she wants a certain closet in a certain room cleaned. She gets mad at me because I didn't do it. She gets madder because I didn't know to do it without her telling me. She gets madder because in her opinion I should want to do it without her asking it. Meanwhile I'm on the receiving end and I don't know what I did to make her upset. It ends up being a set up for a fight and both parties end up frustrated. All of this would be solved if you communicate with him and tell him what you want instead of playing these guessing "he should know what I want and should want to do it without me telling him" games.
And if you truly want him to be honest with you he may not truly want to go to your 100 year old grandmother's birthday party but may only go because you ask him to. You have to be ok with him having a different opinion than yours

 

[ladysaraii]

I just saw the post about wanting him to want to go. Now idk about that OP, nah....I wouldn't expect him to just sincerely in his heart want to go--that's not to say I wouldn't expect him to sincerely have a good time once he is there and enjoy the experience of seeing you with your family and seeing the love for your grandmother and appreciating being included. I do think you can have that expectation. But to think he's initially going because of anything than supporting you is a lot IMO, but for me, that's what I would be looking for.

I hated when my mom would do this stuff to me. He's not a mind reader and he won't magically wind up coming to the conclusion you want him to and wanting to do things the way you want him to do it. In my mom's case for example she wants a certain closet in a certain room cleaned. She gets mad at me because I didn't do it. She gets madder because I didn't know to do it without her telling me. She gets madder because in her opinion I should want to do it without her asking it. Meanwhile I'm on the receiving end and I don't know what I did to make her upset. It ends up being a set up for a fight and both parties end up frustrated. All of this would be solved if you communicate with him and tell him what you want instead of playing these guessing "he should know what I want and should want to do it without me telling him" games.
And if you truly want him to be honest with you he may not truly want to go to your 100 year old grandmother's birthday party but may only go because you ask him to. You have to be ok with him having a different opinion than yours

Agree with both of these.

And my mother is the same way, Foxglove is your mother a middle child? I had to get on her over the holidays b/c she was complaining about things that my dad wasn't doing and she felt she shouldn't have to tell him. Like I said, look, we aren't mind readers. Open your mouth and say something.

And yes, huge difference between someone doing something to support you and wanting to. As long as he doesn't go and end up sulking or being a jerk about it, you'll have to accept that he's there at your request. It's not his family, of course he's not going to care or be interested like you would.