Is is ungodly to date a friend's ex?

LovelyNaps26

LovelyNaps26

Well-Known Member
I've cooled off a bit but I'm still upset. One of my girls from church Lisa* just called to let me know that one of our other friends, Jane, informed her that she likes her ex-boyfriend Rick and wants to pursue a relationship with him. Knowing Jane, she and Rick have been talking and she's more than likely decided to date Rick but just wanted to run it pass Lisa. Jane knew that Lisa and Rick dated and that Rick broke the relationship off. Of all the guys that Jane could have dated....forget that even if there weren't other guys I feel like to date her friend's ex is wrong. I know there is no godly reason per se, why Jane shouldn't be allowed to date Rick. Still, it just makes me feel some kind of a way. :nono: The next time I see Jane all I'll think is that if I had dated someone and broken up with him she'd have no issue dating him. Lisa was clear in explaining to Jane that her decision to date Rick will change their relationship. However, what I don't think Jane realizes is other friends, myself included, will have a different view of her. I know Christians have views on certain relationship issues (i.e. pre-marital sex) but, I feel like the "don't date a friend's ex" is a universal code that a lot of folks subscribe to.


What do you think? Am I over-reacting by feeling upset with my friend Jane? Is it fine to date a friend's ex?

(Lisa and Rick broke up last year and Rick and Jane just met a month ago. Jane was out of the country during Lisa's relationship BUT knew that they dated)


*The names of my friends have been changed.
 
I can't say whether or not it's Godly but I can say that I truly believe it's in bad taste. Of all the men in the world... why date a friend's ex? Especially if the friendship is valued. I'm pretty sure that some folks will disagree and say that he's fair game but IMHO that's beyond tacky. I don't know if it'd be worth getting upset over... but I'd definitely know which side of the fence that "friend" was on.
 
I don't think its ungodly, but I do believe its unethical and disrespectful to your friend.

A real friend wouldn't date your ex. It's nasty IMO, kissing a guy that kissed your friend.....YUCK!
 
Definitely not unGodly but it's bad taste. There are plenty of women who thinks there is nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry but I'd find it unconfortable. I put my friend who does not think there is anything wrong with that on notice. I told her I can't tell her who to date, but if she date one of my ex, she is jeopardizing our friendship. It's her choice...
 
I agree with the other posters...I wouldn't call it ungodly, but personality I don't want a dude any woman can have. A man who would date me and a friend of mine? YUCK!
 
Last edited:
I dated a friends ex. lol.

They had dated a few years before and I met and exchanged numbers with him before I knew he was her ex. Didnt really hang with her that much but I did ask her if she cared...she said she absolutely did not care...she was the one who stopped calling him so I dont know if that had anything to do with it, or more to the fact that they dated but were never actually bf/gf.

Is it ungodly...absolutely not! Is it ok in friendships? I think that depends on the friendship and circumstances (i.e. length of relationship, time passed since, reason etc. ). If they had been in love or it ended badly then I wouldnt have even considered it. I've also had a friend date an ex of mine...and she asked beforehand also (these were two different groups of friends and years apart lol...dont wanna make it sound all incestual like we're playing ring around the rosey with our guys lol).
 
Last edited:
i dont see anything wrong with it, i dont have a claim to anybody thats an ex, hell i dont even have a claim to ANYONE unless there is an established relationship.
I think its immature for women to get caught up in anger because a friend is dating an EX.
its an EX for a reason, ie you guys couldnt connect, let it go already. My cousin is dating my ex, I hooked them up and I love them both and hope they find happiness. I find lots of joy in thinking that I may have introduced him to his wife and her to her husband, but I'm 28 and very secure in myself. HE wasnt for me but that has NOTHING to do with anybody else. I also dont hold on to people emotionally, thats a waste of time n energy. But i realize i'm very different from alot of women.
 
Last edited:
I feel some kinda way about it. Too many men in this world. Why him?
I don't think it's immature to be hurt/offended by it.
Plus, don't we run to our friends during break ups? We hear the 'You can do so much better' speech from our friends but secretely she thinking he's a catch? No ma'am- I'm not down.
 
NaturalDetroit said:
i dont see anything wrong with it, i dont have a claim to anybody thats an ex, hell i dont even have a claim to ANYONE unless there is an established relationship.
I think its immature for women to get caught up in anger because a friend is dating an EX.
its an EX for a reason, ie you guys couldnt connect, let it go already. My cousin is dating my ex, I hooked them up and I love them both and hope they find happiness. I find lots of joy in thinking that I may have introduced him to his wife and her to her husband, but I'm 28 and very secure in myself. HE wasnt for me but that has NOTHING to do with anybody else. I also dont hold on to people emotionally, thats a waste of time energy. But i realize i'm very different from alot of women.
Click to expand...

The way that CoilyFields explain it is different. My issue is when we're all friends, I'm dating him now and you're dating him later. It makes me wonder if you were evaluating him for yourself when I was with him. Anyway maybe my friend is different. She feels like she has to date anyone who looks at her or she may miss out on her soulmate.
 
lesedi said:
I feel some kinda way about it. Too many men in this world. Why him?
I don't think it's immature to be hurt/offended by it.
Plus, don't we run to our friends during break ups? We hear the 'You can do so much better' speech from our friends but secretely she thinking he's a catch? No ma'am- I'm not down.
Click to expand...

not trying to downplay your feelings but in your post u said their are too many men in this world, flip that and say there are too many men in this world to be stuck on your past ones. move forward and move on and meet some new ones. i just dont understand how i can get mad at a friend for liking an ex, he wasnt right for me but he may be great for her...idk, my views are usually unpopular and i march to a drumbeat that is my own....lots of women dont release men emotionally and thats unhealthy. if you are truly over someone then it doesnt matter what they do and if your girlfriend finds happiness in that person then why would u not rejoice with her? my girlfriends and i just view things differently...this is something i wouldnt lose sleep about
 
Ungodly no, STICKY yes. I know so many people who have done this and in most cases it leads to ill will and broken friendships. The man/woman moves on to new prey (oops I mean a new relationship) and the friendship is left in shambles. But as someone said before me we don't have control or dibs on any man/woman. And unfortunately the man I date may be wrong for me but right for a friend-preferably a friend who now lives in another country (and still I cringe at that thought). I hope your friend doesn't let this get her down or you for that matter. Forgive her (albeit trifling) and move on. Ask yourself what would the characters in a Tyler Perry movie do? Oh wait forget that- LOL Sorry just wanted to lighten it up a bit. Good luck
 
NaturalDetroit said:
not trying to downplay your feelings but in your post u said their are too many men in this world, flip that and say there are too many men in this world to be stuck on your past ones. move forward and move on and meet some new ones. i just dont understand how i can get mad at a friend for liking an ex, he wasnt right for me but he may be great for her...idk, my views are usually unpopular and i march to a drumbeat that is my own....lots of women dont release men emotionally and thats unhealthy. if you are truly over someone then it doesnt matter what they do and if your girlfriend finds happiness in that person then why would u not rejoice with her? my girlfriends and i just view things differently...this is something i wouldnt lose sleep about
Click to expand...

What's to say that you are over them just because they are an ex? Even if you were , I would find it uncomfortable talking to my girlfriend about how great my new man is when he was a dogg to her...
I dunno I'd want to be happy for my girlfriend but I don't think I could if I'm honest. I think it's a betrayal on both sides. Any friend of mine that dated an ex, wouldn't be thought of by me in the same way. I think we'd end up as associates rather than girls...
I respect your opinion but it's not for me.
 
lesedi said:
What's to say that you are over them just because they are an ex? Even if you were , I would find it uncomfortable talking to my girlfriend about how great my new man is when he was a dogg to her...
I dunno I'd want to be happy for my girlfriend but I don't think I could if I'm honest. I think it's a betrayal on both sides. Any friend of mine that dated an ex, wouldn't be thought of by me in the same way. I think we'd end up as associates rather than girls...
I respect your opinion but it's not for me.
Click to expand...

o i'm sorry,I wasnt trying to make it sound so personal. I'm not targeting anyone, just adding my 2 cents to the thread.
 
It is ungodly in the sense that as Christians we are to treat each other with compassion and not intentionally do things which cause our fellow man (or woman) pain. Ask yourself WWJD (What would Jesus do?) And can you really be happy, knowing that your choices have caused someone else misery?
 
Some folks may think it's OK; others have a very different opinion. Let's play devil's advocate here. (my scenario) What if you live in a small town? Already there are not many men to choose from. Take away the men who are gay, incarcerated and married... That doesn't leave very many... I'm just sayin... I've learned to let him go when I let him go. If he's my ex, there's a reason for that. I dated an ex-friend's ex. She was appalled! I thought it was kind of funny because she cheated on him every chance she could - even with 2 of my brothers. She asked me how I'd feel if she dated an ex of mine. I told her that it wouldn't bother me at all which pissed her off even more...
 
We all takes sides and have ideas about friend loyalty but I think that Jane hasn't let Rick go. Rick isn't tied to Jane (*this all sounds like an elementary school reader lolol) at all. Has a lot of time passed since their relationship? Now, has Rick expressed interest in Jane at all? That might be why he broke up with Lisa in the first place. That would change things lol. At least Lisa was respectful enough to let someone know but she didn't have to. If a friendship has to end because of a dude, then it wasn't all that tight. Somebody's feelings are still very hurt.
 
I think it really depends on the friendship and how close the two women are. The level of closeness between the two would probably be the main factor in deciding whether Jane betrayed Lisa's trust...especially if Jane knows Lisa isn't over Rick. If they're like sisters, then that's pretty cold. If they just kind of run in the same circles, well...maybe it's not nice, but like it was stated, they're not together anymore and Lisa doesn't have a right to quarantine Rick. Is it about her friendship with this woman that she's bothered, or is it about her desire to control--as much as it's in her ability--who Rick dates (as she's probably hoping he'll return to her)?

I think the thing that verges on the ungodly is having dating relationships in which we begin feeling and acting as if we have a right to be possessive over those we're dating, or those for whom we have strong feelings. Marriage is the place for godly jealousy. Before that, people need to leave open the possibility that this person is not theirs or the one they are going to be with and then be able to let it go if it doesn't work. It's hard, but imo, necessary, as true Christ-like love is about always willing and acting for the good of the other person. But you aren't acting for their true good if you're deciding what's good for them instead of letting them do so, or deciding what's good for them based on what you want to happen with them. Regardless of what Jane does, Lisa has to know that Christ-likeness calls her to genuinely want Rick's best without respect to what she hopes to get from him.

I think it also makes a difference how serious the feelings and intentions are between Rick and Jane. If Jane's just looking for a movie buddy, then yeah, that's bad taste--you can date casually just about anyone. Why unnecessarily stir up hurt feelings? But if they really like one another and feel like it could be something real, well, let them have their chance.Boyfriends do come and go, but so do friendships. Jane has to decide which is more important to her, as she will likely lose one of them.
 
Last edited:
Natchitoches said:
Ok Pooh gurl, you can't just leave us hanging with that statement :lachen: Why?

And @Donna, WWJD? He wouldn't be dating in the first place. LOLOLOL~!
Click to expand...

Good one... Perhaps I should have said "What Would Jesus Say." He gave lots of advice even though he was not personally in the situation:)
 
Last edited:
nicola.kirwan said:
I think it really depends on the friendship and how close the two women are. The level of closeness between the two would probably be the main factor in deciding whether Jane betrayed Lisa's trust...especially if Jane knows Lisa isn't over Rick. If they're like sisters, then that's pretty cold. If they just kind of run in the same circles, well...maybe it's not nice, but like it was stated, they're not together anymore and Lisa doesn't have a right to quarantine Rick. Is it about her friendship with this woman that she's bothered, or is it about her desire to control--as much as it's in her ability--who Rick dates (as she's probably hoping he'll return to her)?

I think the thing that verges on the ungodly is having dating relationships in which we begin feeling and acting as if we have a right to be possessive over those we're dating, or those for whom we have strong feelings. Marriage is the place for godly jealousy. Before that, people need to leave open the possibility that this person is not theirs or the one they are going to be with and then be able to let it go if it doesn't work. It's hard, but imo, necessary, as true Christ-like love is about always willing and acting for the good of the other person. But you aren't acting for their true good if you're deciding what's good for them instead of letting them do so, or deciding what's good for them based on what you want to happen with them. Regardless of what Jane does, Lisa has to know that Christ-likeness calls her to genuinely want Rick's best without respect to what she hopes to get from him.

I think it also makes a difference how serious the feelings and intentions are between Rick and Jane. If Jane's just looking for a movie buddy, then yeah, that's bad taste--you can date casually just about anyone. Why unnecessarily stir up hurt feelings? But if they really like one another and feel like it could be something real, well, let them have their chance.Boyfriends do come and go, but so do friendships. Jane has to decide which is more important to her, as she will likely lose one of them.
Click to expand...

I agree with this 100% :yep:

Even though I still wouldn't do it.
 
I knew there is nothing I could think of in terms of God being against such a relationship for me to think it was ungodly. Still, I felt and feel annoyed and a bit upset over it. This really has nothing with her being a Christian but with character, IMO. There are definitely holy people who ain't too nice.
Among our circle of friends she has had way more experience that the rest of us. Rick was my girl Lisa's first bf and to my knowledge would be Jane's 5th or 6th serious bf ( not included guys she casually dated). The number isn't as important as the fact that I know this woman has a gift many women wish they had. She can attract men. That's why, for the life of me, I don't know why she'd even consider homeboy if she knew the second they met that he was her friend's ex. Shouldn't that frame the interaction?

The sad thing is one of our other girlfriends never cared too much for her and even told Lisa she wouldn't be surprised if Jane dated Rick. We always defended Jane. But now...
 
LovelyNaps26 said:
I knew there is nothing I could think of in terms of God being against such a relationship for me to think it was ungodly. Still, I felt and feel annoyed and a bit upset over it. This really has nothing with her being a Christian but with character, IMO. There are definitely holy people who ain't too nice.
Among our circle of friends she has had way more experience that the rest of us. Rick was my girl Lisa's first bf and to my knowledge would be Jane's 5th or 6th serious bf ( not included guys she casually dated). The number isn't as important as the fact that I know this woman has a gift many women wish they had. She can attract men. That's why, for the life of me, I don't know why she'd even consider homeboy if she knew the second they met that he was her friend's ex. Shouldn't that frame the interaction?

The sad thing is one of our other girlfriends never cared too much for her and even told Lisa she wouldn't be surprised if Jane dated Rick. We always defended Jane. But now...
Click to expand...


um, are YOU the "friend"? :look:
 
Poohbear said:
I'm surprised that most of you are saying this is not ungodly...
Click to expand...

Hmmm... before I cooled down I felt like it was ungodly even though I knew it wasn't a sin per se. Doing something you know will hurt someone else just seems so selfish. Selfishness in my mind was the ungodly thing. Still, I'll not play God. I won't say it's ungodly but I still feel some kind of a way about it. :perplexed

I'm just praying I won't give no one the side eye at Bible study or church. I hate drama in the House, so i need to be graceful about this. Lisa seems calmer about this than me so I need to take a page out of her book.
 
NaturalDetroit said:
um, are YOU the "friend"? :look:
Click to expand...

you'd think I was the way i'm carrying on. :lachen: no my friend is a real person. she's actually pretty calm and graceful about the situation. i'm the one being all "oh, no she didn't". i need to be quiet though 'cause I really don't want to be an instigator. that's part of the reason i'm venting on lhcf and not to my friends IRL.
 
Natchitoches said:
Ok Pooh gurl, you can't just leave us hanging with that statement :lachen: Why?
Click to expand...
:lol: I know... I thought about elaborating, but donna894 pretty much summed up part of my view (that it's ungodly in that your choice is causing misery or pain to someone you are friends with, love, or care about)... even though I can see where others are coming from too (for instance, I agree with NaturalDetroit when she said women shouldn't hold on to their EX's emotionally and that it's a waste of energy).

Edited To Add: Not to offend or point anyone out, but CoilyFields' reply is what really made me make that statement because I know she makes a lot of "Bible-abiding" posts in this forum. It seems like she said this was not ungodly since she dated an ex of one of her friends before. Just because you've done it doesn't make it okay.
 
Last edited:
I think it is ungodly.

10th commandment- 10 “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”

I'm sure someone is going to say it doesn't apply to this situation because it's her ex, but it's likely she was interested while they were together.


I Thessolonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.


That situation sounds like nothing but confusion and God is NOT the author of confusion.
The real question is: Is it Godly to date a friend's ex? I think when you answer that question, you can answer the original question, because we all know something can't be Godly and ungodly at the same time, right?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

victorious
Consequences...
Replies
13
Views
2K
cece22
C
jenny87
Dating a Friend's Ex
2
Replies
38
Views
834
tocktick
tocktick
Transformer
Dating A White Supremacist
Replies
23
Views
522
Crackers Phinn
Crackers Phinn
Enyo
Threesome About to Become a Twosome :(
2
Replies
53
Views
3K
Evolving78
E
shetara20
First date!LOL!
Replies
13
Views
364
shetara20
shetara20
Back
Top