Is infidelity ever acceptable?

[ambergirl]

Here's a friend's dilemma.

Married for over a decade. Compatible in many ways but no sex in years. Elementary school age son. Through a work event, recently reconnected with an old beau and.....well...you know.

Now all of those feelings she was trying to supress are back in force. She doesn't want to end the marriage but despite gentle cajoling and therapy he is still not interested in sex. He's home every night so we're pretty sure he's not stepping.

So what would you do? Other then no sex the marriage is good and he's a great father. But she's having a hard time imagining living the rest of her life without sex.

ETA: By the way, he's a good decade or more older then her so she's thinking the lack of sex drive just may be an aging thing.

 

[lesedi]

She needs to talk to him more seriously about the 'no sex' thing. Maybe go to a sex therapist etc.....

 

[JustKiya]

Marriages end over sex issues. I'd talk to him and see how he feels about her getting hers from others - he might be okay with it, within certain boundaries.

If he's not, and she can't see herself happy in a celibate marriage.... well. I guess she might stay for her son?

 

[ambergirl]

Marriages end over sex issues. I'd talk to him and see how he feels about her getting hers from others - he might be okay with it, within certain boundaries.

If he's not, and she can't see herself happy in a celibate marriage.... well. I guess she might stay for her son?

When she first brought up the sex issue she basically asked him what he would do if she stepped and he said he'd be devastated....I think a few tears were shed....but still nothing...they even tried Viagra, but only once and apparently it wasn't great (although I didn't get the details on why).

 

[MzLady78]

My honest opinion is that if he's not sleeping with his wife, he's probably sleeping with someone else.

Him being home every night doesn't mean a damn thing. He could be banging someone at his job in the broom closet.

Has she asked him straight up why he isn't interested in sex?

 

[8HoursFromHome]

He needs to know that she needs the physical attention. They are MARRIED!! They need to take things seriously and attempt to make it work.

 

[MzLady78]

Ugh, stupid phone!

 

[ambergirl]

My honest opinion is that if he's not sleeping with his wife, he's probably sleeping with someone else.

Him being home every night doesn't mean a damn thing. He could be banging someone at his job in the broom closet.

Has she asked him straight up why he isn't interested in sex?

Never say never but knowing this guy, I think it would be highly unlikely he's stepping.

Yeah she asked him and he kind of hems and haws around it....I'm thinking he's having equipment issues.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I don't think infidelity is acceptable. However I do believe in deal breakers. IF this is hers, so be it, she can divorce him (hopefully after trying to talk to him...and I'm not talking the whole baby please thing...I'm talking the I don't want to leave you but I need to have an intimate relationship with my husband...I did not sign up to be a monk. Let's work this out, or we'll have to move on...). IF she can live without intimacy then I guess they'll have a wonderful loving...celibate...marriage. I personally wouldn't put up with it unless he couldn't get it UP (sick, etc):eyebrows2
I want all the perks that marriage entails. Including working together towards goals, communication, children, and yes SEX.

If he's sick...that's another story. Then maybe we need to go to a few docs and hopefully solve the dilemma (diabetes and other things could cause this from what I've read...I really need to stop storing info lol but alas my brain just remembers what I read) Otherwise I'm thinking there's something going on in the marriage (something's missing) which is causing him to feel the need to shut down. And that needs to be solved, and there needs to be more communication going on.

As for infidelity...no. I'm all or nothing so I think that IF you signed up for a monogamous marriage, you should continue that way or divorce and get your freak on (if that's what you need). Just like I'm sure she signed up for sex, so this HAS to be discussed and not ignored. I'm not a fan of "tricking your partner" into thinking they're getting something out of marriage and then "suprise april fools! Just kidding! Ha! I gotcha now! Deal with it!". Don't get me wrong there's a difference between no sex after an argument and no sex for months or years. This means that there is a lack of communication or something else. This response is under the assumption that he's not cheating as he's always home from what you wrote...

 

[MzLady78]

Double post

 

[Zuleika]

My honest opinion is that if he's not sleeping with his wife, he's probably sleeping with someone else.

Him being home every night doesn't mean a damn thing. He could be banging someone at his job in the broom closet.

Has she asked him straight up why he isn't interested in sex?

That is not always the case. Like OP said, age might be a factor and he may have other issues going on. But it doesn't always come down to cheating.

 

[silenttullip]

It may be an age thing BUT she should make sure he doesn't have ed. It takes away their desire and even their size. Ifso he can talk to his doc about it. NOW If he refuses to talk about then she needs to check the romance area. Does he still initiate hugs and kisses? Does he still play music give her massages whatever he use to do that she enjoyed is all that still happening? I've been in the same situation big age difference and everything so I know it's hard but if he's still romantic it should be easy. Also don't knock out bringing in toys and things. She could make a night of it and still remain faithful Hth

 

[daydreem2876]

I would divorce. Me, personally, can't/will not do a sexless marriage for any reason other than physical illness in my partner. Call it shallow, but sex/intimacy is an important factor to me in a relationship. There is too much emotion within a relationship that evolves around sex, ad I honestly believe that folks who claim otherwise are fooling themselves. I would not purposely want to introduce such a strain into my marriage.

 

[MzLady78]

I'm sorry, but if she said months, I'd be more likely to lean toward something health related. But you gonna let your wife go unsatisfied for YEARS without having an honest discussion about why? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

[ambergirl]

So she's getting some advice to set up a side situation and keep it low. Personally, I could not do that...but she really values their family life and he's a great, loving, guy who is an exceptional father...so she's mullilng it over.

Me hears drama and heartache down the road, but some of our female friends are saying go for it!

Any one either could or would try to pull that off?

 

[Rastafarai]

From sexual to asexual? I'm not buying it at all, unless its health related? Maybe he has a particular fetish that turns him on but its taboo and he's embarassed to tell his wife?

 

[Carrie A]

Maybe side effect of other meds (loss of desire) or even a vascular issue. One of the early signs of heart disease is impotence. But years without discussion or desire to find solutions is odd.

 

[MissMasala5]

Here's a friend's dilemma.

Married for over a decade. Compatible in many ways but no sex in years. Elementary school age son. Through a work event, recently reconnected with an old beau and.....well...you know.

Now all of those feelings she was trying to supress are back in force. She doesn't want to end the marriage but despite gentle cajoling and therapy he is still not interested in sex. He's home every night so we're pretty sure he's not stepping.

So what would you do? Other then no sex the marriage is good and he's a great father. But she's having a hard time imagining living the rest of her life without sex.

ETA: By the way, he's a good decade or more older then her so she's thinking the lack of sex drive just may be an aging thing.

Change a couple of details and you could totally be talking about a couple I know. She gave reasons (read: excuses) why she couldn't and even gave him license to get it elsewhere. Turns out she wasn't into him in that way, was having an affair with someone she was into that way, and used her "license" to end their marriage because of *his* eventual infidelity. Of course, when this was brought up, she lied and played like the "license" was never given, making him look like the bad guy in the end

Another couple I know of where "license" was given involved a man who was paraplegic. He and wifey agreed that she could and should find and maintain a satisfying sexual relationship outside the marriage, but there was one catch: the lover had to be a woman. And they made it happen and lived *happily* ever after.

As for your couple, AG, it seems like some serious conversations need to be had between the two of them. Honesty needs to be a priority. They may need to find him a new therapist, and stick with them long enough to make a breakthrough.

 

[Ladybelle]

this might be a case where infidelity is understandable, I don't think it's ever okay.

I mean if it's that bad, why can't they divorce and just be friends? It sounds like that's what they are anyway.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ My thing is if he knows she wants sex and he can't or won't accomodate then what does he expect her to do? I like the idea of toys so I'm mention that to her, but it sounds like he just doesn't want to be bothered.

 

[Ladybelle]

^^^ My thing is if he knows she wants sex and he can't or won't accomodate then what does he expect her to do? I like the idea of toys so I'm mention that to her, but it sounds like he just doesn't want to be bothered.

to me that's very selfiish & borderline abusive.

 

[TayMac]

This is a tough situation and worse because he isn't motivated to make a change. I know you say he is older..do you mean late 50s or over that?

I would never advise someone to cheat on their spouse. Counseling would be good..even a sex therapist but if he is not interested in working out the issue I don't know what the best option is.

 

[AngieB]

Nope..never acceptable...on EITHER SIDE.

 

[goldielocs]

to me that's very selfiish & borderline abusive.

I think so too...

He won't have sex with his wife.
He won't make an attempt to correct the problem.
He obviously doesn't care that she's not satisfied.
He doesn't want to be BOTHERED with trying any toys or anything.

That's pretty selfish, controlling and manipulative on his part.

Now, she wasn't right for cheating, but I'd leave. I ain't never had to ask for it in my life and I'm be ding-dog-on if I'ma ask for it in a marriage. Ninja please...

 

[ThickHair]

I would divorce. Me, personally, can't/will not do a sexless marriage for any reason other than physical illness in my partner. Call it shallow, but sex/intimacy is an important factor to me in a relationship. There is too much emotion within a relationship that evolves around sex, ad I honestly believe that folks who claim otherwise are fooling themselves. I would not purposely want to introduce such a strain into my marriage.

So you would understand if your husband wanted to divorce you in the same situation? WOW

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ I hear you but I don't think it's really about sex alone. I think it's about missing out on the intimacy that comes with sex and feeling rejected because your husband who sleeps next to you every night doesn't want to touch you. That would be rough. That said, I really don't know what I would do if everything else in the relationship was solid.

 

[ambergirl]

This is a tough situation and worse because he isn't motivated to make a change. I know you say he is older..do you mean late 50s or over that?

I would never advise someone to cheat on their spouse. Counseling would be good..even a sex therapist but if he is not interested in working out the issue I don't know what the best option is.

She's in her forties so I'm thinking he must be early to late 50's.

 

[Ladybelle]

I think so too...

He won't have sex with his wife.
He won't make an attempt to correct the problem.
He obviously doesn't care that she's not satisfied.
He doesn't want to be BOTHERED with trying any toys or anything.

That's pretty selfish, controlling and manipulative on his part.

Now, she wasn't right for cheating, but I'd leave. I ain't never had to ask for it in my life and I'm be ding-dog-on if I'ma ask for it in a marriage. Ninja please...

You summed it up perfectly, ITA. All of these things must effect her emotionally - this could cause a woman to question herself big time so when another man comes along & shows her that YES she is attractive and desirable, I can see it being kinda hard to turn him down. Especially after YEARS of not getting any? That's some straight up bs right there.

At the bolded, I read a book about abusive men & some abusive men use intimacy as a way of controlling their wives. This probably isn't the case for OP's friend, but it happens.

^^^ I hear you but I don't think it's really about sex alone. I think it's about missing out on the intimacy that comes with sex and feeling rejected because your husband who sleeps next to you every night doesn't want to touch you. That would be rough. That said, I really don't know what I would do if everything else in the relationship was solid.

How is everything else in the relationship solid if there's no intimacy? Maybe I'm too young (30 in Oct) but I thought intimacy was very important in a marriage. Even if intimacy isn't on the top of the marital priorities list, if it's an issue to her shouldn't it be an issue to him?

 

[Dee_33]

It's not acceptable to me. I have a friend who's hubby is on dialysis and he can't get his crayon up, but he's selfish because he won't do anything else sexually for her (toys, use his fingers, tongue, etc) and she's getting antsy. I told her to talk to him about it, she did and said that he said no go. Now that would lead to divorce for me.

 

[ambergirl]

How is everything else in the relationship solid if there's no intimacy? Maybe I'm too young (30 in Oct) but I thought intimacy was very important in a marriage. Even if intimacy isn't on the top of the marital priorities list, if it's an issue to her shouldn't it be an issue to him?

Well, what many of my married friends tell me is that over time you can end up living like best friends rather than husband and wife. So there's that intimacy of sharing everything about yourself and your lives together but not the type of intimacy and connection that comes from sex. Some folks can settle into that and be content....but it seems to only work if both partners feel the non-sexual intimacy is enough to keep the connection.