Inspector Chicks...When does it become too much?

[Syrah]

Examples of "investigatory behavior":

- You know he's out with his boys watching the college football games on a Saturday afternoon. You call him a couple of times "just to say hi".
- You know his email password and you're all up in it.
- You're checking the internet history to see which sites he's visiting.
- You've created fake monikers on social networking sites and instant messager to catch him in lie (or have your 'net creeping theories rejected).
- You're up in his cell phone checking his text messages/voice mail/call history.
- He says he's out with his boys (i.e. bbq). You "roll through" just to see if his car is there.
- He says he's out at night with his boys (i.e. club). You get the girls and "happen to show up".
- You're intercepting mail and checking credit card statements.
- You've sent yourself flowers to see how he reacts.
- You use your friends to try and stage a "coup".
- You're checking his laundry (haha...I saw one chick on Maury who was smelling her dudes' dirty boxers).
- You're counting condoms in the box.
- You've showed up at his house unexpected.
- You've showed up at his job unexpected.
- You've showed up at one of his family member's houses unexpected.

At what point in a relationship to the ideas of personal boundaries and privacy change (i.e. Certain amount of together, certified "boyfriend/girlfriend" status, living together, engagement etc)?

And at what point does it cross the boundaries of just "checking up" to being your own private investigator??

 

[lilsparkle825]

Examples of "investigatory behavior":

- You know he's out with his boys watching the college football games on a Saturday afternoon. You call him a couple of times "just to say hi".
- You know his email password and you're all up in it.
- You're checking the internet history to see which sites he's visiting.
- You've created fake monikers on social networking sites and instant messager to catch him in lie (or have your 'net creeping theories rejected).
- You're up in his cell phone checking his text messages/voice mail/call history.
- He says he's out with his boys (i.e. bbq). You "roll through" just to see if his car is there.
- He says he's out at night with his boys (i.e. club). You get the girls and "happen to show up".
- You're intercepting mail and checking credit card statements.
- You've sent yourself flowers to see how he reacts.
- You use your friends to try and stage a "coup".
- You're checking his laundry (haha...I saw one chick on Maury who was smelling her dudes' dirty boxers).
- You're counting condoms in the box.
- You've showed up at his house unexpected.
- You've showed up at his job unexpected.
- You've showed up at one of his family member's houses unexpected.

At what point in a relationship to the ideas of personal boundaries and privacy change (i.e. Certain amount of together, certified "boyfriend/girlfriend" status, living together, engagement etc)?

And at what point does it cross the boundaries of just "checking up" to being your own private investigator??

these in bold are the only ones that i find acceptable and only after an acceptable period of time. i have been with my SO for a little over 3 years and we were past 1 year when we started doing things like that.

the ones in red happened to me and it gets annoying really quick. if you need to do all that, why are you with me? trust issues can tear apart even the best relationships.

 

[Taliah]

these in bold are the only ones that i find acceptable and only after an acceptable period of time. i have been with my SO for a little over 3 years and we were past 1 year when we started doing things like that.

the ones in red happened to me and it gets annoying really quick. if you need to do all that, why are you with me? trust issues can tear apart even the best relationships.

I love your siggy sparkle.


No snooping. It will only make you distrust the person even more. Whatever you need to know will be revealed in time. Just chill and use that energy to give love.

 

[amara11]

So, I'm gonna go out on a strict limb and say that even 1 is too much .

Cuz the number out of the list isnt the issue. The issue is this- is he trustworthy? Be honest with yourself on that b/c if he's not, then whether it's 1 thing or 10 things- 1 is enough if he's not trustworthy.

I must say though: Some women cannot trust men because of their own insecurity issues, whether the man is trustworthy or not.

So I try not to say "do you trust him". Instead, I try to stress- "is he trustworthy". There is a difference. (No point in asking someone who doesn't even trust their own momma whether they trust a dude- it ain't the dude with the problems!)

Maybe that's a bit strict- but I've seen what some of the things on the list you provided can do to a relationship and to those in it. It can drive you freaking crazy. Go with your gut instincts, and if you're impulsive, wait a while and feel it out. But otherwise you will do yourself, the man, and the relationship a huge disservice by treating a trustworthy guy guilty until proven innocent. Yes it takes time to build trust, but give him that time, give him the chance to mess up!

Trust is a foundation for a theoretical "house" of love. Without it- shopping for curtains and snooping for tiles is just silly.

 

[TG2000]

I agree with the amara11.

 

[Lenee925]

LOL I've not done any of these but maybe I should start...

 

[Vinyl]

I'll admit that I have done things like go through his phone history/wallet... but it was when he was sitting right there... so I was moreso looking to see if he started sweating.

But I think if you're at the point where you don't trust him, time to re-evaluate the relationship or get out.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

to be honest that whole list is too much especially if you are doin it all to catch him out or keep tabs on him there has only been one ex i went a lil crazy like that for where i would check his phone i even made a fake identity on msn trying to catch him out i stayed with him waaay too long, im not usually insecure in the slightest. the moment i felt the need to check up on him was the moment i had to leave.

 

[jrae]

I say "any of it", too. I've done it in one relationship so I'm not criticizing. Once you find something or look and don't, you keep investigating and investigating because you know its there, you're really only looking for proof because you know if you just ask, he's gonna lie. If I'm suspecting, something's going on.

BTW: I found out initially by accident and I think if something's going on, you're gonna find out without even trying.

 

[Divine_Order]

Here's my take on this: Seek and ye shall find. Now, if you go through your man's stuff because you suspect him of doing something...and you find something...are you prepared to leave?

My only problem with snooping(ers) is that folks wanna go through your stuff to find something to argue about. What's the point in going through your man's stuff if you are not prepared to deal with what you find.erplexed I mean, are you gonna keep going through his things until you do find something. It's all very bizzare to me.

No, I don't snoop, and I hope that the man that I'm dating would respect my privacy as well.

 

[SouthernTease]

I think it's all dumb and a waste of time.
It's childish... if you going through his stuff...
you want to find something so you can have
a reason to breakup or have a fight or whatever...
get a life... get a side hustle make some money I can almost
promise you won't be worried about what a man is doing...
you'll be too busy doing you.

 

[Mai Tai]

I voted that any of these examples are too much. Doing any of these things are a blatant sigh if distrust if you have a good man. I am a firm believer that any wrongdoings will always come to light, so why waste your time and energy searching for them. This does nothing but confirm, and feed insecirities that you already have about your relationship. If you find yourself doing these things, maybe it's time to truly evaluate yourself and your partner.

I am too grown, and busy to play detective in my relationship. My name is Mai Tai, not Sherlock Holmes. If you dig in the ground long enough, you will find dirt.

 

[Covergirl5906]

all of it is ridiculous...there is no point of being in a relationship with someone that you cannot trust...If I can't trust you, I am out...I'm not going through any of that...no way...

 

[JaiRox]

I voted that any of these examples are too much. Doing any of these things are a blatant sigh if distrust if you have a good man. I am a firm believer that any wrongdoings will always come to light, so why waste your time and energy searching for them. This does nothing but confirm, and feed insecirities that you already have about your relationship. If you find yourself doing these things, maybe it's time to truly evaluate yourself and your partner.

I am too grown, and busy to play detective in my relationship. My name is Mai Tai, not Sherlock Holmes. If you dig in the ground long enough, you will find dirt.

I think it's all dumb and a waste of time.
It's childish... if you going through his stuff...
you want to find something so you can have
a reason to breakup or have a fight or whatever...
get a life... get a side hustle make some money I can almost
promise you won't be worried about what a man is doing...
you'll be too busy doing you.

I completely agree with Mai Tai n SouthernTease...pretty much if I have to go seraching through your things & become Inspector Gadget...we dont need to be together.

 

[glamazon386]

If I feel the need to investigate your a$$ needs to go. I do do a precursory check when I first meet men to see if they have a record or any charges but beyond that, I'm not checking through phones and what not.

 

[daydreem2876]

If I feel the need to investigate your a$$ needs to go. I do do a precursory check when I first meet men to see if they have a record or any charges but beyond that, I'm not checking through phones and what not.

ITA!!! That type of crap is tooooo much work just to be with somebody and I have other things to do. If he is doing something that he has no business it will all be revealed in time. If something comes up, cut your losses and keep it movin'.

 

[Country gal]

I love your siggy sparkle.


No snooping. It will only make you distrust the person even more. Whatever you need to know will be revealed in time. Just chill and use that energy to give love.

I was guilty of this in one of my relationships. I had trust issues with him. Things weren't adding up, I also was very insecure at the time, I was snooping for info. I read his diary, I would check the bathroom for hairs, I would check his cell phone and call back the numbers and I would overanalyze everything he said. It was sad. Even now, I am not in a relationship with anyone but I do have old habits creep up. I try to stop it. I haven't searched a cell phone but I will ask a 1000 questions and over analyze the answers.

 

[Syrah]

I don't get it...there are thread upon threads of chicks "inspecting", finding reason to believe their man is cheating and then posting up on this board to see if she should stay or go. Where are THESE chicks?

'cuz the rest of us seem to be under the assumption that if I feel the need to look, you are already on your way out...

 

[Lucie]

My husband can look in my phone, e-mail or whatever. I don't have anything to hide and vice-versa. However, if we have to do any of this above mentioned list, I would be worried. Why would anyone check a person's voicemail or e-mail other than their own? God has blessed me with the ability to see a person's true colors without having to be Inspectorette Gadget.

I didn't marry a man to play Columbo. If a person wants to be dishonest they won't give you the real passwords to the juicy stuff anyway, LOL. Some people have cheat cell phones and e-mail addresses. You either trust a person or you don't.

 

[MissNina]

Everything on that list is sooo extra to me minus counting the condoms and just showing up at the club.

I don't think it's acceptable to show up at anyone's house unexpectedly unless it's a birthday surprise or something. IDK it's just rude. I don't even show up to my DAD'S house without attempting call first. . .but I think def depends on how you were raised to think. Once an ex of mine lost his cell and that was the only phone in the house, so I kinda had to just "stop by" for a minute. . .but I didn't like it.

I really think it's important to maintain a separate life and a level of personal space (privacy) outside of your partner. Violation of trust is a serious thing.

 

[HoneyA]

I've been with my BF five years. I have never gone through his cell phone, texts, clothes, email, credit card statements, nothing. If I have to do all that, it means I don't trust him. If I don't trust him, no point being with him. I honestly never even thought to do it. In the meantime, he's told me about his friends' girls who go through their stuff and then end up fighting over a text or an email. And even then, no interest in searching or playing PI. I think if you are doing like 5 of those things consistently, you're doing way too much.

 

[sunshinelady]

Some folks up in this thread aren't being honest and they know it.

 

[Crystal]

lol.. I just checked my SO's vm after reading this thread.. It had been a few months so I call it a sanity check... to make sure his "lifestyle" hasn't changed..lol or that he doesn't have any loan sharks or creditors or STD clinics calling...lol

All I can say is Men lie. Period. Don't get caught off guard. Not saying you have to be Inspector Gadget, just stay informed that's all.

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

I used to be the top inspector on the block!!
The only thing I haven't done was follow him...and I only did these things because I always knew he wasn't ****. N when I reflect, I didn't even have to look as hard as I did. Lesson learned.

Any of it is too much...the next time I feel the need 2 behave in such a way...I'm just gonna keep it moving.

BUT...in the mean time if any of you need tips on how to stalk your man...PM me...jk

 

[angenoir]

I agree with most of the ladies.

If you really really feel the need to start being a CSI... then you need to sit back and reassess the trust levels. Either your gut is telling you not to trust the guy OR you have your own trust and insecurity issues.

But I think playing CSI is just sad and it eats at you because you are always worrying about what you found out or what it means or what you could have missed.... or plotting your next investigative venture...

 

[sonce]

- You know his email password and you're all up in it.
- You're checking the internet history to see which sites he's visiting.
- You've created fake monikers on social networking sites and instant messager to catch him in lie (or have your 'net creeping theories rejected).
- You're up in his cell phone checking his text messages/voice mail/call history.
- You've sent yourself flowers to see how he reacts.
- You're checking his laundry (haha...I saw one chick on Maury who was smelling her dudes' dirty boxers).
- You're counting condoms in the box.

I would do all of the actions mentioned above. They are easy ways to monitor someone without them knowing you are monitoring them. I'm a very possessive person in terms of my feelings for those I love, but I'm much too proud and subtle to be openly possessive.

- You know he's out with his boys watching the college football games on a Saturday afternoon. You call him a couple of times "just to say hi".
- He says he's out with his boys (i.e. bbq). You "roll through" just to see if his car is there.
- He says he's out at night with his boys (i.e. club). You get the girls and "happen to show up".
- You're intercepting mail and checking credit card statements.
- You use your friends to try and stage a "coup".
- You've showed up at his house unexpected.
- You've showed up at his job unexpected.
- You've showed up at one of his family member's houses unexpected.

I would not do any of these because they are too obvious and will only create unnecessary strife. Even if a person is not doing anything wrong, when they start to feel watched, they will be unhappy and that alone can jeopardize the relationship.

 

[syze6]

Will I fret over what I never found out? Nope! Some people do things that you will never know about. Why waste precious energy on it. If you week you will definitely find, so I'd rather not seek. If I never know, that;s fine with me.

I was in a previous relationship, and I was cheated on. I found out after that relationship was well over. Was I angry that it happened and I never found out? Absolutely not! I'm glad he was good enough to keep it from me. I probably would have killed him! lol!!

 

[FlowerHair]

I don't have the energy to do anything on that list.
If I feel that suspicious, it's better to call it quits!

 

[ThickHair]

Folks doing all of the list have entirely too much time on their hands and really need to get a life.

 

[Poohbear]

Wow! You came up with a lot of ideas there! LOL! I think doing all on that list is doing way too much. Doing all that stuff is like he can't have his own space and privacy. And if you have to do all that, you should ask yourself "why isn't he spending time with me?" And he just may not be all that interested in you if you have all that time on your hands and he's not spending much time with you. And if that's the case, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship or just simply move on. Life is too short to not have fun and to just spend your time spying on your man when you're not around him. I know men can cheat even if they spend a lot of time with you, but you gotta have some peace of mind in a relationship if you both genuinely like each other and can see a possible future with each other. A man nor a woman wants a partner that snoops up on them at every moment of their life.